better than a soap opera

Healing

2008-12-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

It's an extremely slow process, but I'm making small strides in my life. I'm pleased to be able to report that after 3.5 years of staring at it on the shelf, I was finally able to undertake the task of updating Lucian's baby book.

I feel ridiculous saying that this was a monumental task for me. I mean, writing in a baby book? It's so silly. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Along the way, I had been jotting down notes: first tooth, first word, first step, etc. So all it took was for me to fill it all in.

Every time I tried to write things in, I'd feel such incredible anger about Lucian's first weeks and months where I was alone. When I'd think about what I wanted to say, it felt like everything I wanted to say was either a 'poor me' statement or filled with sarcasm.

Someday, I want Lucian to know the story surrounding his birth and the early stages of his life. But I want the story to be told factually, not with anger or bitterness. He'll be able to figure that out for himself.

So there I sat for 3 hours, writing and filling in the blanks in his book. Writing the facts and having it be about Lucian, and not about how my life didn't go as I planned. It's not done yet, but now it's not empty either.

Small strides.

A couple of updates

2008-07-18T23:18:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile since I've talked about Nemo, and it's been on purpose because I don't want to make my life about him. I feel like enough has been said and what more is there for me to say?

But I'd still like to give an update once in awhile. For those of you bored enough and brave enough to have read my blog from the beginning, I feel you deserve to know how the story continues to play out.

So here goes.

In a strange twist of fate, Nemo has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I knew it was coming late last year when he had blood taken and a doctor had told him that his blood sugar was in the high 200's. I'm not sure what the current diagnosis number is, but I was surprised when nothing became of that blood test. Months later, I was the only one not surprised by his diagnosis.

He's taken the whole thing quite well. He's made diet changes (lost 25 pounds) and he's on pills. His doctor (who also happens to be my doctor) said that if he were to lose more weight, he could probably come off the pills. We've talked a little about it, and I'd like to think that my influence has affected him in a positive way.

In general, things with Nemo have been stable. His parenting time seems to be good for both him and Lucian. Nemo has cancelled a few times, but it's definitely been more reasonable than in the past.

Probably the biggest change is that I've let Nemo start driving Lucian. I was very reluctant. Very, very reluctant. In Lucian's whole life, Nemo had driven him only 3 times: when he picked us up from the hospital, his 5 day old doctor appointment, and once to Nemo's parents' house. All of those times I was in the car. All of those dates were in December, 2004.

I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever completely trust Nemo again. Every time good things happen, there's still a voice in the back of my head that reminds me of some of the things he's done in the past. A lot of times, it still hurts me deep in the gut. If I could have, I'd never have allowed parenting time to happen at all, and for the most part, over time, the situation has been fine.

I still didn't really want Nemo to drive. I was terrified and panicked. Nemo accused me of being overprotective and having control issues. (Hello!! Just where do you think those control issues came from, buddy?) In the end, after much deliberation and reluctance, I decided it was time to let go. It was really hard. Having to put trust in someone that you have doubts about. And trusting him with the most important thing in the world to me.

But it went okay. Nemo now picks up Lucian twice a week for a couple of hours. Mostly they still go to Nemo's parents' house (where I had been dropping Lucian off).

[A side note: One of these parenting time nights I went shopping with my Mom and on the way back, Nemo was in front of us at the traffic light. It was about 15 minutes before Nemo and Lucian were due back and we were about 5 minutes from home. He didn't see us, and turned into another subdivision near our house to stall. I was happy that he's trying hard to be on time, and he's taking it seriously by leaving early. I didn't tell him that we had seen him, but it meant alot to me.]

Anyway, there are some benefits for me. The biggest being that a big portion of what was scaring me is no longer there. (fear of fear itself kind of thing) I know I did the right thing for 3.5 years, and I feel that the timing was only right at this point now. I also spend less time in the car, less on gas (yeah!!) and less on food (since I always needed to eat out.)

My relationship with Nemo is good. I feel like he's an old friend, and we're able to joke around and have a good time when we're together (with Lucian, obviously). For my own sake, it's good. (God, how many times can I use the word good?) But more importantly, for Lucian's sake, he's seeing Nemo and I getting along, having meals together, parenting together, and Lucian's learning all sorts of things about family, love, and forgiveness that he won't be able to articulate for years to come.

For that, I am grateful.

System restore point

2008-07-10T21:41:00.002-04:00

I've been having computer problems lately. I can't seem to figure out what's wrong, and I dread having to put time into researching what the problem is and how to fix it. I also don't want to have to find someone and pay them to fix it. Not to mention time without my computer. How would I survive? Just joking, but I've gotten awfully reliant upon the instant gratification of e-mail and internet.

So basically what I've been doing when the whole thing crashes, is I start it in safe mode and try to repair the problem (which somehow it knows how to do?) Sometimes that works. Other times, I do a system restore, where you can choose (or it chooses) a point where things were working fine and starts you back at that point. For the moment, that seems to work.

Maybe you understand all that, perhaps better than I do. But I was trying to explain to my Mom how it works (not very well, but the key word is trying). When it suddenly dawned on me, what if you could go back and choose a point before your life went astray?

I wonder if I would go back to when I was pregnant, right about to give birth, bearing the weight of my marriage, would I gather up my friends and family and have support that would have made things easier?

I wonder if I would go back to 2001 before I lost my job? Or right afterwards? When I might have made different choices about a career or education?

I wonder if I would go back to early 2001 before Nemo and I found out that we were going to have fertility problems? (this was a particularly good time of our marriage)

I wonder if I would go back to the night of my rehearsal dinner? Would I call the whole thing off?

I wonder if I would go back to before I even met Nemo.

I wonder if I would go back to my pre-diabetes innocent self?

And yet, all these events have made me the person I am. Even more importantly are the recent events that have made Lucian who he is, and I wouldn't change him for the world. It's interesting to think about though.

Where is your system restore point?

Watermelon

2008-06-18T19:18:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been devouring everything written by Marian Keyes. I love Irish writers, and I've been particularly enjoying her work.

So one of the books I stumbled upon is Watermelon. I'm not more than 50 pages in, but I was hooked from the first sentence. I think she's writing about my life. (Although the book was published before I even met Nemo.)

Just when you think that your story is unique, it isn't. I feel a whole lot less singled out knowing I'm not the only one. Even if it is just fiction.

Feelings

2008-06-14T23:07:00.004-04:00

I have to admit, there's another reason that I've stayed away from my blog. I don't like some of the feelings that I have, and I hate to whine about things. Or at least, I hate to whine excessively about the same stuff over and over. I'm of the school that feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. So although I don't like them, I try not to beat myself up too much, I try to work through them. But I hesitate mentioning them here because I'm afraid of other's comments. (so I've turned them off on this post)

Take today for example. Lucian and I went to a birthday party for one of his preschool friends. It was lovely and we had a great time. There was a woman there who just rubbed me the wrong way. But then she got to telling how her husband is out of the country on a work assignment for the summer. And how. her. life. sucks.

Immediately, I think, at least you have a husband (and he sounds rather nice), and he's. coming. back. Of course, I didn't say that. But there's a part of me that wanted to. I'm just jealous of her and sad for myself, and I hate it. Normally I'm not walking around feeling lots of pity. I really even like my life. But I'm easily offended by people who complain about things: he doesn't pick up his dirty socks! he works long hours (to support the family) and I never get to see him! Stuff like that.

I hate these feelings that I have. Maybe it's just that I'm not that kind of person who'd be complaining like that. I'd be more likely to say - my husband's gone for the summer and I miss him and it sucks, but it's only for 3 months and I'll live through it. Maybe I should have said to her - my husband's gone forever, and I miss who I thought he was, but it's only the next 14 years that I have to co-parent with him, and I'll live through it.

Bleeding a turnip

2008-06-09T22:32:00.001-04:00

My divorce has been final for 2.5 years. During the process (about 11 months), my legal fees were in the $25,000 range. You read that right, 25 k, 25 big ones, twenty-five thousand dollars. A brand new car worth of fees.

I'm not a celebrity or a CEO or an owner of a sports team. Just a regular person who went through a painful divorce.

I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't cut off the legal spending earlier in the process. The truth is, I never received an invoice from my attorney, and I had assumed that the initial retainer I gave was covering it. In hindsight, I'm angry with myself for not questioning the costs. But with the state I was in (mostly paralyzing fear) I have to give myself a break. I did what I thought was best at the time.

You can imagine my surprise then, when the attorney's office called me in March and told me that I owed almost $10,000 more. I freaked out. All the pain and fear came rushing back at me. Let's just say it was an unpleasant couple of days to be around me.

I gained some control over myself. Spent some time trying to get the invoices*. Spent more time going through the invoices. And, putting my college degree to work, added up the figures to nearly $35,000 in legal fees. That doesn't include Nemo's lawyer, or the mediator who was paid probably another $5000 between us. I knew that divorces were expensive, but never in my wildest dreams figured they were about the average-American's-annual-salary expensive.

* Up until this March, I had never received an invoice. I never once saw on paper what I was billed for. I insisted that they send this to me, and after getting it wrong twice, I finally received a copy of my entire account. Nothing on it looks suspicious (but how can I remember, it was 3 years ago!) unless you have a problem being billed for 3 hours of internet time at the full attorney hourly rate.

There are so many factors to this situation, I can't possibly type that much. But I will say, this is a highly respected law firm in my area. They've done some pretty high profile cases, because I've seen them in the newspaper.

On the advice of a family member with a law degree, I've sent a letter outlining all the mistakes that were made. I'm still waiting to hear back from them.

Besides the fact that I don't have $10,000, it's not the amount of money that angers me. One way or another I believe it will all work out. Things always do. What I'm mad at is that the person/firm I put my trust in misled me. Maybe unintentionally, but I had been led to believe (for 2.5 years) that with the divorce decree, all the fees were wrapped up.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back by someone I trusted. (sounds familiar) It was even suggested to me that I get a lawyer to fight my original lawyer. Aaaaagggghhhh!!!!

It's left me wondering, just when does all this end?

Absence

2008-06-09T21:25:00.001-04:00

I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts down. Writing my story was a release of all the things that happened over my infertility/pregnancy/divorce. This blog was by far the best thing I did to heal myself. (not to mention the cheapest!)

What I found afterward (after the most painful parts of the story were written that is), is that my blog became someplace where I had stashed all the bad things. Little by little, I backed off because it hurt. It's like all my therapy sessions rolled up into one staring at me each time I log in. And I don't regret for a single second that I've put it out there for the world to see, but at the same time, I want to live my life just as Stella. Not the diabetic infertile jobless divorcee who has a sperm donor baby and lives with her parents.

Sometimes I need a break from that person.

I know I needn't give an explanation, but for my own peace, I feel better knowing I've given a reason to why I've avoided posting.

Thanks for sticking around. Stay tuned - there will be another update soon.

Thoughtfulness

2008-02-21T16:24:00.000-05:00

Nemo sent me a gift for Valentine's Day. It was a monogramed article of clothing (God am I so paranoid that I think he's going to look up specifically what he sent me? Apparently, yes.) It arrived in the mail in a giftbox and with a card.

As far as Valentine's Day gifts go, it was probably my best ever. As far as gifts from Nemo go, it was probably in the top 10. Although I will say that when he was still at the point of buying me gifts, he was always generous. Not always thoughtful, but generous.

Oftentimes I would receive a gift that was fun (a digital camera, cell phone, other electronic item) but wasn't the most meaningful gift. I always wrote it off to the fact that he's just a different type of giver than I am. I like to pay attention to the receiver's wants and needs and pick out something they might not have specifically asked for and they didn't even know they wanted.

In the last year, Nemo has gotten me several gifts that he put some thought into. For Mother's Day he bought me the last book in the Harry Potter series. For my birthday he bought me steaks that I had briefly mentioned in passing.

I still don't trust him. I still haven't forgotten the things that he put me through. But I will say, I'm pleased that he's finally thinking about me in a different way. From a perspective of thoughtfulness.

Is winter over yet?

2008-02-13T23:47:00.001-05:00

Recent happenings, in bullet points to keep it simple.

I am pleased to say, that after my post 10 days ago, for the first time today Lucian did not ask for his pacifier. Hooray! (For the time being) I can stop worrying about his crooked teeth, and without the guilt of breaking his heart.
It's been cold and snowy and icy for much too long now. We've been cooped up in the house and I'm stir crazy. The sun finally came out today and that helped a bit. I've been finding myself eating more and dreaming of napping all day long. Actually, I'd probably be happy if the temperature got above 20 so we could go outside. (I even have snowpants!)
Speaking of eating more, I'm so discouraged about my weight. I have gained about 25 pounds since moving in with my parents over 2 years ago. And we eat more healthy meals here than I ever used to make for myself. So what's the problem? I'm eating at night. Bad things, mostly peanut butter. I know it's horrible and I beat myself up about it daily. But I can't find the power within myself to stop.
My best friend, Arista's mother died recently. She suffered through a long illness so it wasn't a surprise. It's made me think a great deal about my own parents and how precious our time is. I'm so grateful for every day. And at the same time, I'm depressed as hell.
Lucian has hit the point in his language development where he questions everything. I mean, everything. Today he asked me how the sun came out. He wanted to know where all the cars on the road were going, specifically. And what's the name of the person who lives in that house there? A few weeks ago in church, he said loudly - Momma, where's God? I want to see him! I never thought that I'd be having religious discussions with a 3 year old.
Which brings me to Nemo. Things are fine, in case you're wondering. Lucian has asked me where daddy's going when we leave Nemo's parents' house. I'm not ready to tackle it yet, but sooner or later he's going to ask about Nemo's house and how come he's never been there. Or why he's never been in his car, or anywhere unsupervised with him. I'm definitely feeling a little more trusting in Nemo than even a year ago. But not entirely. And as much as I like where things are at, I still see the lying scheming crazy person that was him and may still be there. As I said, I can't think about it.
Before I get too obsessive compulsive, I'm going to go to bed. I've got a new Maeve Binchy book awaiting me, and I'm excited to dive in.

Good-bye, friend

2008-02-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

In the 3 years since Lucian's birth, I've never felt like I've disappointed him like I have in the past 24 hours.

I had to take away his pacifier.

The first night I had Lucian home from the hospital (the night when Nemo left me alone), my Mom came over and and took care of the baby so I could sleep. That night, she introduced him to the pacifier. We have joked that my Mom got him hooked, but the fact is, the pacifier saved my sleep and my sanity a great many times over the past 3 years. (And I place no blame on my mother.)

There was a time when I used to take 3 pacifiers and put them around his stuffed animal's limbs so that he could find them in his crib if he dropped one inadvertantly during the night. I used to carry them in my pockets, purses, even the cup holder in the car.

Last summer, I started weaning him down. Little by little, I told him that we couldn't take it with us in the car, that he had to leave it on the dresser when it wasn't nap time, and started explaining how it was going to give him crooked teeth.

We recently went to both the dentist and the pediatrician. They both said it needed to go ASAP.

I tried explaining it to him, and surprisingly he understood. But as bedtime would approach, he still craved the pacifier.

My Mom came up with the idea of the pacifier fairy who would come to take the pacifier and leave a gift. After lots of prepping, last night was the night. The pacifier fairy brought him a new stuffed animal to make it less scary, and I told him he could play with a train set from Christmas that we hadn't opened.

Today went surprisingly well. He took a nap with little problem and spent a good portion of the day playing with the train. And then it was bedtime.

We cried together over the loss. He's lost the thing he loves most in the world. I know it was the right thing to do, but I never considered how horrible I'd feel. I've done other things that have been in Lucian's best interest that haven't been pleasant (discipline and vaccination shots, for example) and I've always been able to remain unemotional about it. (I do admit though as a diabetic, it's a little hard for me to work up any sympathy for vaccination shots, or for parents that are so pained by having to submit their child to them.)

I feel like I've ripped his heart out, even if it was the right thing to do.

He'll melt your heart too

2007-12-31T22:24:00.000-05:00

Last night, I put Lucian to bed around 8:00. I had the monitor on and all was quiet for 45 minutes. Then out of the blue I heard him announce - I love you Momma!

He called out 3 or 4 times. So I went into his room and he asked me to pick him up, so I did. He hugged me tightly, and quietly whispered - I love you forever and ever.

I love you forever and ever too, my little man.

Breaking tradition

2007-12-24T23:54:00.000-05:00

2001 - Six years ago tonight, I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and cried myself to sleep. (cried about infertility insensitivity's of others)

2003 - Four years ago tonight, I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and cried myself to sleep. (cried about the babies that I did not have)

2004 - Three years ago tonight, Lucian and I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and both cried ourselves to sleep. (I cried about my husband being MIA, although he was at the party, and the fact that I couldn't get him to commit to attending my family Christmas. Lucian cried because he was less than 4 weeks old and colicky.)

Do you see a pattern here?

I was not invited to the Christmas party in 2005, and in 2006 I invited myself, but was sick with bronchitis. I also invited myself this year.

Before Lucian and I left tonight, I was having a small anxiety attack. That's what going into hostile territory tends to do to me. :-)

Everything went fine. Even though the whole time I was counting the minutes until we could leave, it was bearable. Thankfully there was no drama this year, and my inner peace (and one nice anti-anxiety pill) kept me in control.

So in breaking tradition, I'm happy to report that Christmas Eve 2007, I went to the Nemo family Christmas party, came home, put my son to bed, and fell asleep with no tears.

note: just in case you were wondering what happened to Christmas Eve 2002, we were at Nemo's family house in Europe. We flew in that day, and my internal clock was so messed up that I was up until 4 am. I didn't cry that year, but since I had had my first IVF fail 2 weeks before, I was pretty dried up.

Giving peace a chance

2007-12-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

I recently attended the 2nd wedding of a friend. (A year ago, I was surprised to hear that she was seriously dating less than three months after her husband filed for divorce, and long before it was final.) She's happy, so I'm happy for her.

It was a fun wedding and even though I'm not feeling particularly good about my body image lately, I got lots of comments on my new short hair (that my Mom cut!! shhhh!) and my new glasses that were a big step for me in a much edgier direction (and I love the change!) I wore a maternity outfit (see that's how big I've gotten!) and I got compliments on it too. I got hit on by a 26 year old so all in all it was a good night.

But it got me thinking about if I were to ever get married again. And while I don't feel much more datable than I did a year ago, I've come far in many other ways. For one, my relationship with Nemo. My friend's ex-husband was understandably absent, but I realized that if it had been my wedding, I'd have invited Nemo. I haven't forgiven him completely, but nearly. We have dinner together (with Lucian and my family) at least once a week. We're nowhere near being best friends, but I'm content with our interactions. And even though I still have anxiety about the future, it no longer consumes me.

I left the wedding feeling good about the path that I've chosen. I'm so glad that I've been working towards forgiveness. I don't regret a single moment where I've put my son first. I'm still not ready to start dating, but I feel hopeful that life is going to work out the way that it should.

Moment by moment, I'm happy. It's when I think of the past or the future that I get anxious. (I try to stay in the present as much as possible.) Leaving this wedding, the strangest sensation came over me: I saw a glimmer of peace waiting for me down the road. I've tried to remain hopeful throughout the past three years but I haven't succeeded nearly as much with hopefulness as I have with forgiveness.

Until now, and it feels pretty darn good.

Stable

2007-12-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

I'm the worst blogger ever. I have every intention of writing every day, and I have a few half-posts saved that I just didn't like enough to finish, let alone actually publish. Every day I have a moment of - I should blog about _____. So many thoughts, so little time, too little energy.

Because I'd really like to post this rather than have it sit as a draft, here's a quick summary.

1. Lucian just celebrated his 3rd birthday. I could start a complete blog just about him and all the charming and wonderful things he does. He also challenges me constantly, and at the end of the day, I'm worn out.

2. I have a new "niece" courtesy of my friend Arista. I am enjoying this baby as I have no other. Before Lucian, I was depressed about babies. With Lucian, I enjoyed every moment, but I was also going through other emotional issues (to say the least!) And now, I'm at a place where I'm comfortable around babies, and able to love like I wasn't before. I still take pregnancy news hard. Maybe that will always be hard for me. But I've come so far.

3. My on-line e bay business is going well. Not enough yet to continue doing it for years, but enough for the time being. I believe if I had the right product, I could sell it. Right now it's perfect because it allows me to have a flexible schedule, even if it's unpredictable and exhausting.

4. Nemo has had some serious health problems lately. Serious enough that he was in the hospital for Thanksgiving, which resulted in Lucian and I staying home and having pizza for dinner. It was really one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever. I am worried about Nemo. I don't want to sound hard. I know it sounds terrible that I had a great Thanksgiving while Nemo was in the hospital. I feel bad even writing it.

5. I've gained weight in the past 6 months, my blood sugars are bordering on fair to poor and I feel pretty blah about myself. My mental health has been stable at a place that I feel good about.

So that's it in a nutshell. Nothing exciting, but I'm okay with that. I'll be back later with more. Promise!

My sister's wedding

2007-09-07T16:34:00.000-04:00

My sister's wedding was wonderful. The bride was beautiful, the ceremony was lovely, the reception was well-attended and the food and music were awesome.

Parts of it were hard for me though. So those are the parts that I'm going to write about! I hope that no one (including my sister if she were to ever come across this blog) would ever think that there was anything in my heart other than love and joy. I truly am happy and thrilled for her.

So after that disclaimer, back to me!

I had a mini-meltdown at the rehearsal dinner. I arrived early (even had Nemo get off work early), and we waited in the hot church for over an hour before everyone arrived. Nothing makes me madder than having to hold up everything for late-comers. I was tired, anxious, hot, and annoyed. I had told Nemo that I was going to pick Lucian up at a certain time, and the longer we waited, the more anxious I got. In the end, I only had to miss the dessert at the restaurant (which is really a good thing!) I guess I panicked for nothing. Is there ever a real reason to panic?

The wedding day was over 90 degrees, and extremely humid. It wasn't until we had walked down the aisle, were sitting down (with me as matron of honor on the altar), that I started to have flashbacks of my own wedding. The priest started talking about how my sister and new husband now have an everlasting bond, how marriage is greater than any one person, and how they'll be sticking through bad times as well as good. (I'm paraphrasing here, certainly not as eloquent as the priest was).

All of a sudden, it all came back to me. I could see myself and Nemo on the altar promising the same things, the same naivete in our eyes. How he held my hand and smiled at me. I almost lost it. Tears started coming. I couldn't breathe. The air conditioning wasn't working well and I could feel the sweat running down my back and the makeup running off my forehead. I had to take deep breaths because I thought I was going to start sobbing.

Finally, before I had to stand up and face the congregation (because up until then, we had been sitting facing the altar) I found my focus. I had to tune everything out, to pretend that I was somewhere else. It was the only way I could get through it.

Luckily right after the wedding, I had an appointment with my therapist. I wasn't able to see it clearly until after meeting with her, but I realized that not only do I feel like I was betrayed by Nemo, I'm a bit resentful of the church. The day I got married, I committed myself to one person for all of eternity - I meant it. But when your spouse abandons you physically, emotionally and financially, you have to make some decisions. Decisions that I don't think the church would like to hear.

I never wanted to hear what the church would say to me, because I'm sure they'd have advised me to stay in my marriage at any cost (because I wasn't being physically abused) to myself or my child. And it's not like I live my life by the Catholic Church. I believe in fertility treatments, gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, birth control, women priests, and probably a whole host of other issues that the church takes a stand on. Basically, I feel that I have no right to tell you abortion is right or wrong, that you should or should not have pre-marital sex, that you should or should not have fertility treatments. I especially feel that (mostly) old men should not get to decide what each individual should get to decide for him or herself.

So why do I feel so let down by the Catholic Church? I've never even personally addressed my situation with anyone there. I guess I just felt abandoned. I'm sure that there are others who have felt displaced also (just off the top of my head: homosexuals, couples who have used fertility treatments, women who have had abortions, couples who use birth control, etc).

Back to the wedding: I had to give a toast and I couldn't seem to come up with anything beforehand. My sister does not understand my sense of humor very well, and I was worried that I would unintentionally offend her. Amazingly, I was pretty calm about getting up and speaking in front of everyone. I kept it brief and from the heart and I ended up getting many compliments as the night wore on. Even my sister, who was a bit (how do I say it nice?) disenchanted with the best man's speech.

I was able to spend time with friends and family, especially ones that came from far away. It's always great to reconnect with people.

I was very happy with how my hair turned out - check out my pictures. My dress was comfortable, but hot. One of the bust seams ripped right before we walked into the reception - luckily my aunt was able to pin it back together for me just in time.

I'm mostly relieved that it's over, and glad that was a success, and that my sister is happy in her new life.

Now if I can just figure out how to be happy in mine....

Progress

2007-08-18T23:08:00.000-04:00

I've purposely stayed away from updating, because I'm in a major funk these days and I feel like all I do is complain.

My sister's wedding is next week. The fact that I live with my parents has made the event more stressful for me. I'm often in the middle of planning that I don't want to be involved in, but I can't excuse myself from either. I also had to plan the bachelorette party. And while I love to organize a party, it was hard for me to plan this one. I love my sister, and I'm happy for her, so it wasn't about jealousy or anything like that. I feel like the past few years have aged me to the point of uncomfortableness among my peers. Even amongst people who have had similar lives (college, marriage, kids, etc), my path to this moment has had so many twists and turns that I feel unable to connect with others (besides the close friends I already have). I ended the evening in tears. I'm embarrassed to even admit that.

God I hate being an emotional mess!

Lucian had Lyme Disease. We had quite a few days of high fevers and general crankiness, but thankfully after a long round of antibiotics, he is fine. He had a mosquito bite that developed a ring around it (like a bulls-eye). The doctors thought that I should have seen the tick that bit him. It's a mystery to me. I don't live in one of the states where the disease is considered endemic and one doctor told me that he had never seen a pediatric case before. (lucky us to be his first!)

I've started potty training Lucian. He's been doing great, really making a good effort, although we've still had a fair share of accidents. Part of me would like to put it off forever, and the other part of me would like him out of diapers by the time he goes to kindergarten.

I am doing okay with only seeing my therapist once a month. Surprisingly well, actually. If I had the luxury of better insurance, you can bet that I'd be in her office more often, but I'm dealing with trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of the high anxiety and obsessiveness about Lucian's future that I had before, I'm able to see the present more clearly and not panic about the future. I'm still having quite a bit of anxiety, and most of my feelings revolve around sadness and loss (instead of anger, confusion, and helplessness). I guess that's an improvement.

Nemo continues to be on a healthy path. I'm thankful and happy for him. He has alot of issues yet to deal with, and I know that even though I have many hard moments, it's much harder for him. We have become friends of a sort. We've developed a communication that's easy, light, friendly. That's not to say that my life wouldn't be alot easier if I didn't have to plan my schedule around his parenting time. But it's been okay. I can deal with him, and with the situation without having a complete meltodwn. That's progress!

Transitions

2007-07-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

My Dad officially lost his job last week. He worked for the company for 27 years and was planning his retirement after he hit the 30 year mark. We feel incredibly blessed that he hit 25 years, the magic number where he qualified for the pension. When he was diagnosed with diabetes back in 1997, the goal was to make 25 years. I know that I've briefly mentioned it before, but my Dad worked a job where you can not be on insulin without a waiver from the state. It's a lengthy process, and even though it's not impossible, they do make you jump through so many hoops that you have to question yourself along the way.

We went and surprised my Dad on his last day. The company used to buy the retirees a cake on their final day, but due to my Dad's high seniority, the economic downturn and low employee moral, most of the employees were already gone by my Dad's last day. My Mom got a cake, and we went with Lucian, my sister and her fiance and brought him a little party. My Dad was so thrilled, he had tears in his eyes. He had just had a mental picture of how his leaving the company was going to be, and in the end, he got just that.

I think my Mom and I were more upset than my Dad. We were emotionally drained, as for 27 years, we had been loyal shoppers of the company also. My Dad though, came home from work on his final day, and hasn't looked back since. He is enjoying every moment of his "retirement". He's planning to work again, but is putting thought into what he's going to do next.

I'm so proud of the years he worked. He was a loyal, responsible, trustworthy employee. He loved his job. Not the politics, but the actual job. It was his passion. And although I am sad that an era is over for him, I'm taking the lead from him and getting excited about what's coming next.

It's been nice to have him home - I now have extra help with Lucian!

2007-07-05T22:19:00.000-04:00

Now that my insurance has changed, and everything health related costs more, I've been doing all I can to economize. I clipped a few coupons out of the newspaper for free gift cards with a new or transferred prescription. The largest one was for $25.

I'm known for running my prescriptions right down to the last pill. On Tuesday night, I took my last anti-anxiety pill that helps me relax so I can get to sleep. Wednesday, being the 4th of July (holiday here in the US), I decide that I am going to use one of my coupons, the largest one. It was for one of the "mart" stores, and even though I've shopped this particular store in the past (and as recent as 3 weeks ago), I had no idea which location was closest to my house, because I never shop there directly from home, always on my way to or from somewhere else.

The location I chose was in the same shopping center as other stores I frequent (a dollar store, post office, discount clothing stores, and my favorite: the warehouse where you can get the $1.50 hot dog/soda combo) but I had never once set foot into this particular mart store. Honestly, until I looked it up on-line, I didn't even realize they had a location there, since it's on the far end of the shopping center.

So I drag Lucian all the way there (as it's much farther than my usual overpriced drug store) only to find out that the pharmacy is closed. Hello! It's a holiday! What was I thinking? I was so irritated with myself. Mostly because I've dragged Lucian along for a wasted trip. I mean, there's only so many times I can take a 2 year old shopping with good results, you know?

At this point, I've already promised him that we can look at the toys. (and luckily he hasn't realized the concept of begging for an item - mostly he just looks at something and hands it back to me) As I'm walking down the aisle, I notice a woman who looks familiar, but I pass her, unable to identify her. She turns around and calls my name, and instantly I remembered who she was: a friend of Nemo's parents. The woman from the couple that we celebrated our final anniversary with.

It's been almost 3 years, and she had aged considerably. To make a long story short, (because this is already too long!) she told me that her son and his wife were getting a divorce also. Yes, that would be the same couple who seemed so happy at my 5th anniversary dinner. Apparently, the wife took a job at a bar and has stopped coming home at night. Their son is 4 months younger than Lucian.

She asked me how I was doing, and of course I worked "much better now that Nemo's girlfriend**, the exotic dancer, isn't showing up on my doorstep at 3:00 am or pranking me." Of course, I said it in a nicer, more refined way. Miss Manners would have been proud.

**Nemo is no longer with Elvira. However, I have reason to believe that she is still dancing without clothing for strangers for money, and using/promoting illegal hard core drug use. I'm pretty sure she hasn't gotten any ethics in the mail either.

This friend of Nemo's parents said she had wondered why I left such a good life behind. Never having been told anything otherwise by Nemo's parents, she had assumed that I had left the marriage.

You wouldn't think that this simple and short exchange would affect my life in any way. When I told my sister, she was like - you know that you did the right thing, why do you need an acknowledgement from someone else? And the thing is, she's right. But at the same time, I've felt a big cover up from Nemo's family. Even with his relatives, and I still see many of them regularly, if only occasionally.

What I felt as I left the store was that a little bit more of my emotional burden has been released. A lightness, if you will.

It wasn't until later when I was going to take my anti-anxiety pill and realized that I still didn't have my prescription, that I thought about the whole thing. I feel like something was leading me to that store, at that time. Maybe it's just being in the right place at the right time kind of thing and nothing more.

But the fact that I went to a store I had never been to, early on a holiday, with the pharmacy being closed, and just when I was wondering what the heck I was even doing in that store at that time, I don't know... I just feel like I was led to that particular moment. To set the record straight, to tell the truth.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever felt like you were led to a particular time and place?

(By the way, I still don't have my prescription, and miraculously I'm not even feeling very anxious about it.)

2007-06-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

My COBRA insurance ended a couple of months ago. I was thrilled that I found new, personal health insurance through the same insurance company. I was also thrilled with the cost, less than half of what I was previously paying through COBRA. However, I'm not thrilled with the coverage and finding out that many services are not covered.

It struck me particularly hard when I realized that it covers nothing for my mental health. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months or so, but I see my therapist weekly. The psychiatrist charges about $200, and $800/year is not an unfeasible amount to come up with. My therapist charges $160, and it's nearly impossible for me to come up with over $600 a month to cover that cost.

So sadly, I told my therapist this week that I could no longer afford her services, and we've agreed to start weaning me off the therapy. I'll be going once a month for a few months and we'll see.

That was 3 days ago. Since then, the following things have happened to me:

1. Found out that the company my Dad works for will be closing its doors in one week.

2. Been babysitting for kids that I adore but require a great deal of attention and I'm stressed out (ie - 9 yr old asked me today how Nemo's therapy was going...)

3. Had a breakdown after taking Lucian out for dinner with friends; he behaved hideously and in addition I had to listen to how wonderful everyone else's lives are (vacations, babies, weddings, etc) so we left early and both of us cried the whole way home. I was having a moment of pity about how hard it is being a single parent without someone to fall back upon.

4. I'm trying to organize a bachelorette party for my sister - imagine the non-drinker/full time mother who gets her pajamas on at 7 pm trying to throw a party for major partiers/drinkers that doesn't feel incredibly lame. I have nothing against drinking and partying, it just doesn't fit my current lifestyle. And to be honest, I never fit into that lifestyle, I'm much too controlling.

5. For Nemo's birthday we were planning to get together for dinner. Said he was going to call me and never did. Felt like I was transported to 3 years ago when he would never call me back and I'd leave messages saying - just call me if you're alive. I'm disappointed in myself because he's been communicating better lately and I believed that he was going to call me. I'm even more disappointed in myself because I took Lucian shopping for a gift and told him it was Nemo's birthday. So Lucian was singing Happy Birthday and saying Daddy's birthday! all day. Breaking my heart each time.

6. I'm incredibly frustrated with my diabetes. I haven't had good numbers in weeks. I feel like all I do is correct the high numbers, and increase my basals. Maybe it's stress. The highs stress me out more. And I think the insulin makes me hungrier. Which makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail: high, more insulin, weight gain... round and round. And my insulin prescription was $100. Totally stressful.

Only 3 more weeks until I can unload on my therapist.

Good for something

2007-06-08T10:17:00.000-04:00

Last night Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner. I chose the restaurant: it was one of those design your own stir fry type of places and I thought it would be a more nutritious choice for Lucian than the usual hamburger/french fry combo.

When we go out to eat, I always try to get a booth because I can put Lucian closer to the wall and block his exit. He's long done with high chairs and booster seats. He can get up and jump around though, which is usually why I usually choose faster, waitress-free meals when we go out. When we have dinner with Nemo, Lucian always sits next to him. And I sit across and try to control all my feelings and emotions.

It used to be that I'd have to sit on my hands, nervously drink my Diet Coke and keep my mind occupied on something else. The control freak in me always wanted to jump in to meet Lucian's every need. It was difficult to turn that over to someone else, particularly Nemo, even for one meal. Being in public and fearing an embarrassing scene didn't help me either.

I realized last night just how far I've come. Lucian was antsy, and quite full from the salad portion of the meal so he didn't want to eat. Nemo was successful getting him to eat a few bites of his meal, plus some soup and more of the vegetables from the salad. The restaurant was loud, busy, and distracting.

As I finished my meal, I sat back and observed Nemo and Lucian. Lucian was ready to leave, and Nemo was worn out. He was frazzled. We discussed how maybe Lucian just wasn't ready for that type of restaurant, despite our best intentions. I had a wonderful, relaxing meal. I was an observer and occasional commenter, but with Nemo attending to most of Lucian's needs, I was free to enjoy my meal. Maybe it wasn't the most relaxing meal I've ever eaten (is that even possible with a 2 year old??) but considering how most of our dinner's out go, it was very enjoyable.

This is one of the things I've missed being a single parent. Having someone there to help you. My parents do help me a great deal, but it's different having another parent to help you.

As the title of this post suggests, I've found that Nemo is good for something. Surprisingly, thanks to medication and therapy (on both our sides), I'm okay with relaxing a bit of my super tight control over the situation. And that's good for more than something, it's good for everything.

Happy Anniversary to me!

2007-05-31T18:36:00.000-04:00

Here's the e-mail I sent out this year on my diabetes anniversary, which was in early April. I always feel good celebrating my anniversary, as it's one more year to be thankful for. I like to involve my friends and family in acknowledging my day. It helps to spread awareness too. Here's to many more years!

Dear friends and family,

Twenty(+x) years ago today I was diagnosed with diabetes.

Just about this time now, I was sitting in the hospital bed wondering what would become of me. My Mom had left to go home to get things, as we had rushed from the doctor's office to the hospital without a thought as to what I'd need, or how long they'd keep me there (8 days). I watched WKRP in Cincinnati, a show that I disliked, but I was too numb to change the channel. So I sat there in the almost darkness as the sun set, understanding the mechanics of diabetes (twice daily shots and no more cookies) but not the emotions that came along with it.

The calendar was cruel that year, in that Easter came almost immediately after I returned from the hospital. Instead of candy (real candy that is), the Easter Bunny (God bless him) brought me the fake stuff that can cause stomach problems. I also received a music box (that of all things plays Evita - Don't cry for me Argentina). It's now in
Lucian's room and he begs for it every afternoon before his nap. I may be the
only person who has (or even remembers) what they received twenty(+x) years ago
for Easter.

I didn't believe I'd live til my 30th birthday. I wondered just how this disease would eat me alive. I was told tales of blindness, kidney failure, amputations, etcetera, etcetera... It seemed that my life now was one of an old person. My grandparents were now younger than me. Looking back, I realize that the message of doom was given to scare young diabetics into compliance. I was also told that a cure was coming "within five
years" and it's now been four times that, and I still don't see my cure anywhere.

In 2000, I was reborn thanks to my insulin pump. Besides adjustable waist pants, Tivo, and Diet Coke, it's the best invention in my lifetime. My diabetes control has never been so good, easy, or flexible. I've gained about twenty pounds, because I no longer have guilt over things I choose to eat. And the freedom!! Eating what or whenever I want to. It's a dream come true for me every day.

One year pre-diabetes, the Easter Bunny brought my brother, sister, and me solid milk chocolate bunnies. They must have weighed about a pound each. I ate the entire thing on Easter Sunday, and broke out in hives the next day. While I have learned my lesson
(don't eat an entire solid chocolate bunny in one sitting), this Sunday I will
be sharing some of Lucian's candy from the Easter Bunny and marveling at my good
fortune of being able to participate in a holiday that at one time left me out
in the dark.

I'm off to go celebrate with a big Diet Coke. Maybe there's even some chocolate awaiting me... :-)
Stella

It's late, and maybe I'm just tired

2007-05-18T23:31:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had dinner with Nemo. With Lucian of course. For awhile now, we've had swim classes on Friday nights, and this week's class was cancelled. Nemo e-mailed me earlier in the week and asked if I'd like to go out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.

I should mention that not only was it one of our favorite restaurants, it's also somewhere that Nemo worked during high school, his parents are close family friends of the head chef, and friends of the owner. On top of that, it's also a banquet hall, and we had our wedding reception there.

So it's a nice place, with lots of memories. I wanted to say no, but I wasn't sure how to. We've both been working hard at finding solutions instead of creating problems, that I'm trying to honor innocent, easy requests. I mean, a dinner where you don't order at the counter? How could I refuse?

I hadn't been to this restaurant since my baby shower. When Lucian and I arrived, it was like my old life and new life colliding. I remembered all the good things, and those are just as painful for me. Sometimes I'm able to pretend that Nemo doesn't exist, like that part of my life never happened. I'm even able to avoid most of our old haunts, as my parents' house is far enough away that there are many other choices, without it seeming deliberate that I'm avoiding some place in particular.

I haven't updated my blog in forever, and now here I am rambling on and on about going to dinner on one night out of my entire life. It's not like I don't have dinner with Nemo once a week already. I'm bothered that a location bothers me. That a building or an idea of it, can hold so much power over me. I hate that. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to others or not, and I hate that my mind works this way.

(Side note: my grandparents moved out of state to live with an aunt in 1992. My aunt added a complete addition onto her house for them. They both died in 1994. In 2001, I visited for a cousin's wedding. I could not go into my grandparents' "apartment". It had been almost 7 years! It was just to painful for me even then. So this feeling is not new for me.)

Back to the dinner: I had a wonderful meal. Lucian was very well behaved (he doesn't usually even sit still for fast food.) The family friends were very kind to me. I can't think of one complaint, besides I left and just felt very sad.

There's an emptiness in me. Maybe it's a bit of self-pity, I don't know. I feel ridiculous that I've cried tonight over a restaurant. I guess I'm crying for my old life and I'm not sure why, because it wasn't authentic or true. It was a lie, and I'm better for knowing it. My new life is full of love, happiness, truth, and peace. Why am I so sad?

I was going to end there, but I don't want to end this post so depressing. So I'll tell you what happened on the way home. It's about a 30-35 minute drive through suburbia. With Mr. Non-stop-talker in the back seat:

Look Mama! School bus! Look Mama! big truck! Look Mama! Buh-geh King! Mama Buhgeh King! Look Mama! Pia! (pizza) Pia! Eat pia! Look Mama! Mahdonnal's! Hambuhgeh!

Maybe I should be scared that he's such a big fan of fast food, but it's so darn cute. I feel better already.

Moving on... slowly

2007-05-14T22:52:00.000-04:00

I hate bloggers like me. You get you all involved in their stories, and then they fade out of existence.

The truth is, I think about my blog every day. Multiple times. Because not only am I obsessive, I am guilt ridden about mostly everything. (I'm a therapist's dream!)

Lucian is keeping me very busy these days. He's intelligent, intense, demanding, and full of energy. I adore him (of course!) and I enjoy every minute with him, but I'm not able to accomplish things while he's in my presence. Things like laundry, cleaning, etc. have to wait until he's asleep. Add to it my e*bay selling, and there's not much time left. I haven't had good success getting Lucian to play by himself for long. He will watch videos (certain videos at certain times) which months ago I couldn't get him interested in. Actually, he was interested, just more interested in his toys.

We play trains quite a bit. It's still his favorite. The other day, he asked me to play - Mama, play choo choo's? Please! I was cleaning the kitchen and told him to wait a few minutes. So he calls out to my Dad (his favorite train playing companion by far because my Dad indulges him more than anyone) who was trying to get dressed. Then he called out to my Mom, who was doing her hair. When none of us were takers, he asked the dog. In the most serious, pleading voice. He cracks me up every day.

My Dad's job is in jeopardy. We're not sure if his company is selling or closing, but something is happening and he might not have a job one way or the other come next month. We're all trying to be positive about it. He's on insulin now (and doing wonderfully) but that may affect his job choices in the future. It's out of my hands, and I'm just trying to keep the faith that things work themselves out one way or the other.

I'm sure you're wondering - what about Nemo? I wish I had been keeping a better record of events, conversations and feelings, because I can see the point I was at before, and the place I'm at now, but I'm not quite sure how to draw the line between the two.

I'm doing an unbelievable job at forgiveness. Basically what I've done is said - I am forgiving Nemo, and I've been repeating it any time I feel anything negative. There's still a lot of things that I can't think about because they hurt too much. Just this week, after a friend started talking about feeling her baby kicking, I painfully remembered that I could not get Nemo to place his hand on my stomach when I first felt kicking from the outside. While both my parents and my sister fought for a good spot, Nemo was half way across the room, barely able to pay attention. He never once felt the baby kick. I can't think about it because these things hurt me down to my soul. When I get down about these feelings, I put it out of my mind and pick myself up again. Some days it's easier than others. One day the jolt of pain won't be so severe.

Things have been a gazillion times better than they were just a year ago. Nemo has apologized to me. He's admitted that he threw our life together away. He's taken full responsibility for his actions. He's admitted to verbally and mentally abusing me. He's been working with me, instead of against me. He's shared some things with me that I can't say to the public, but let's just say that there were things in his life that he never told me about, that I have sympathy for. He's getting professional help, has made better decisions, and I believe is trying to turn his life around. I am happy for him and wish him the best. I hope that he'll turn the mess of his life into something positive.

With all these good changes, I still know of some recent lies. He's not 100% honest with me. I still worry about Lucian in his care. I was blind to a great many things about Nemo and I'm now seeing some of these things through different eyes. I guess it's a mother's job to worry. With Lucian talking more and more, it will only get easier because I'll be able to communicate with him about his safety. Hopefully that will be enough to help him make good choices when he's around Nemo.

About a month ago, Nemo and I took Lucian to a train event. We spent the day at a local tourist park, riding the train, having lunch together, and walking around seeing the sites. I think I can speak for all of us, it was a good time. I'd still rather not have Nemo in my life, but since he is, I'm going to make the best of it. And I'll admit, it was nice having someone else's help chasing Lucian. I've missed Nemo, my friend, and I think I have that person back. Maybe not in the same way or same form, but it's not uncomfortable between us. Looking at us, you'd never know that we weren't a happy couple with a toddler. I'm trying to look at it like he's a new person. My new friend, Nemo. A friendship with boundaries. And then I get to go home with my son and have my own life.

You've waited over a month for this?

2007-03-26T00:08:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad blogger. I have no excuse, just busy-ness. I've been caught up in the stuff of everyday life, instead of some of the drama I was before. It's been all good stuff.

There's been alot going on, especially in regards to Nemo. But I'm up too late as it is, so I'm going to have to come back another day. (I promise!!)

Since you've waiting such a very long time for this post (that's really nothing but a hey I'm alive! post) I'm publishing a photo of Lucian.

It was taken about a month ago. We had quite a bit of snow this winter, and this is when it was just starting to melt. He had a blast putting his footprints all along the sidewalk. He was fascinated, saying "Lucian, footprint!" all the way to the front door.

It's getting old

2007-02-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

Unbelievably, I am sick again. I hadn't realized it until my Dad pointed it out today, but I've been coughing on and off (more on really) since early December. I went back to the doctor today who wants me to see an ear, nose, throat doctor.

So even though I've been feeling emotionally better, physically all this coughing is wearing me out. Ugh. At least now I've identified the pattern.

I've got lots to write about Nemo and other things. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon so I can write about everything in the detail it deserves.

Little Lord Fauntleroy's Mother

2007-02-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

Late one night a few weeks ago, my Mom caught an old movie on one of those classics channels. It was all she talked about for days afterwards. She told me that I had to see this movie, Little Lord Fauntleroy, that there was a lesson in it for me. So we bought the movie and watched it together yesterday.

I won't go into the play by play, because this isn't a movie review. But the basics of the story go like this: In New York, father dies, son is summoned by grandfather in England to carry on legacy, son and mother move to England, mother gets to live in a fabulous house, but not with son who lives in castle with evil grandfather, son is so amazing because of his mother's love that grandfather adores son, and at the end of the movie the grandfather realizes that the reason he adores the son so much is because of the mother, even though he's pretended that she doesn't exist.

It's strange for me to be affected by a movie. Usually they're just entertainment for me, and I don't take away much. (unlike books that will haunt me for weeks and years afterward)

I haven't sorted through all my feelings, and I can't seem to figure it all out, so this is really rough of how I feel. So please excuse my ramblings. I hope to someday make sense of this and I've been fearful to put it on my blog because I'm afraid of how crazy it will make me seem.

So here it is: Nemo and his parents have treated me like I was the slave girl who gave birth to their heir. They have under minded me from day one, telling me that I'm feeding or bathing or dressing Lucian wrong, not enough or too much. They have in general made me feel unimportant and just the vessel that brought Lucian here - needed for the nine months of pregnancy, but obsolete now.

Admittedly, I gave away a lot of my power. I felt threatened and confused and suffered low self confidence. Nemo's parents would make some demand, and I'd have to follow through, as Nemo had rights and at the time, he was very unstable for me to deal with. It was easier for me to bite my tongue than start more arguments or get Nemo involved.

Even after the divorce was settled, after all my therapy, I've still felt threatened. Like I've needed to spend every waking hour of Lucian's life with him to prove to everyone that... what? He's mine? I'm the mother? I'm in control? I don't know and I can't seem to articulate it, even now. I've pushed myself into almost unreasonable motherhood - even women with ten children get more breaks or feel less burden and guilt than I do.

I feel like I worked so hard and so long to get pregnant ($30,000 + 3 years), stay pregnant (diabetic and stressful pregnancy where I was virtually alone, arguing and fighting with Nemo all the time, not understanding anything my life was becoming and then lying about it to everyone else), and have the baby (again alone, filing for divorce with a 2 month old, taking care of a newborn almost entirely by myself) that I feel like I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor and good luck that has been bestowed upon me. A baby! It's my wildest dream, and I'm living it. I don't want anyone taking this away from me. Especially crazy in-laws who thought it was okay that their son ran off with a stri*pper.

Even as I'm writing this, I realize that a good portion of this sounds unreasonable, or unrealistic. I know what you're thinking: you've had the great fortune of having a baby, one who's healthy and beautiful, and you're threatened by a non-sperm donor father(?) figure and his insane family by the few hours they spend with him a week? And my answer would be yes, crazy as that sounds. Irrational as even I know it sounds, I can't help feeling it anyway.

Okay, back to the movie. It really should have been titled Little Lord Fauntleroy's Mother because she's the reason her son is who he is. In it, the mother never speaks bad of the grandfather, and in fact does the opposite. What happens is not that the son realizes that the grandfather is an evil man, but the grandfather realizes how evil he is and changes. I want to strive to be like that mother. I want to not speak poorly about Nemo and his family (except to the whole internet of course!) I want Lucian to not be stuck in the middle of my drama. I don't want him to know my true feelings about Nemo's family or why. And when he eventually hears our story someday, I want him to know that his mother's love has carried him through.

I've got such a long way to go.

The newest feature on my blog

2007-02-05T20:32:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to link to my favorite blogs for awhile, and I have no good excuse as to why I haven't. So many wonderful people have linked to me for a long time now and I'd like to return the favor. See my new list to the right --->

This is just the beginning, but if you'd like to be added, please e-mail me or add a comment. Now that I know how to do it, there'll be no more excuses!

Narcotics and my anxiety attack at the drug store

2007-01-31T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm not usually a procrastinator, but when it comes to getting prescriptions filled, I wait until the last minute. Part of it is that I hate the process so much, and the other part is that my copay is $50 per prescription. So I put off getting refills until I am desperate.

I recently went to drop off one of my scripts. It was for my morning pill, the one that gets me through the day, one that is normally prescribed for ADD, which my doctor believes is part of my problem in focusing on things. (what was I talking about?? ha ha...)

Anyway, the pharmacist called me back to the pharmacy to tell me that they only had eighteen pills they could give me. My prescription is for thirty. No problem - I said - I'll just pick up the rest when they come in. But no, I was told that since it was a narcotic, whatever they gave me, I'd have to live with because the rule/law? is that they can't give you the balance if they've given you a partial fulfillment. This seems completely ridiculous to me. But whatever. I have diabetes, I've suffered infertility, I've been through a nasty divorce - I get that life isn't fair or logical.

The pharmacist was overly nice (besides her pronunciation and whispering of the word narcotic, that made me feel like a criminal) and called five pharmacies until she found one that had thirty pills. (I think she saw the desperation in my face: I need my narcotic! NOW!) While she made the phone calls, I panicked, wished I had my anti-anxiety medication (how's that for irony? being at the pharmacy without my pills?), prayed to God that someplace in the tri-county area had my pills, and realized that I can't let this happen again.

As I was driving to the other pharmacy, I realized just what a balancing act I have going on right now. I'm so happy with the way I feel, that I'm scared of losing what ground I've gained. I also had no idea I was taking a narcotic (my doctor never mentioned it, web md never mentioned it, and I certainly don't feel like I'm taking a narcotic, all I feel is more normal). Right now my pills are my crutch. I don't want to be on this cocktail forever, but for the moment, I'm scared to have them taken away. I'm not ready not to have the support.

Next time, I'm calling the week before to make sure they have my narcotic available. And I won't forget to bring my anti-anxiety pills either.

Just in case.

Balancing

2007-01-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

I found my wedding album recently. It was in some boxes that I finally decided to sort through. Truth be told, one of the reasons I stayed away from the whole sorting project was because of stuff I might find, like the wedding album.

So I found it, but it took me two weeks to drum up the courage to look at it. I went through each page slowly, letting the memories and feelings and changes absorb. It was painful. I sobbed through a good portion of the process. It's haunted me since.

I showed the album to my therapist. I think that I wanted her validation - yes, this wedding did happen. Someone wanted to marry me at one point in my life. The beauty and love of that day existed pure and unaffected by the events that followed. I think I wanted her to see that I was a normal person, Nemo was a normal person, we were a normal couple even. Even if maybe we weren't.

I had agreed that Nemo would keep the album. For someone who violated every wedding vow, he sure had an interest in the wedding keepsakes. In one of my - go ahead and take all this, I certainly don't care about our wedding album because it obviously meant nothing - moods, I almost pushed the album into his hands and out the door. But at the last minute, I grabbed it. For three reasons. 1. It was my pet project (obsession) for months. I chose every photo, every placement, every page. With all the work I put into it, I couldn't just leave it behind. 2. The cost. I'm cheap, and I paid for it (almost) myself. 3. Sentimental reasons including knowing that I would eventually have a need to look at it, to convince myself that it did in fact happen.

I feel that I've pulled myself (mostly) out of the depths of depression, that I'm now able to control my anxiety and obsessiveness (all thanks to lots of pills and therapy), but what I'm now realizing is that I'm having to deal with feelings and events that I previously pushed aside because they were too painful.

At the same time, I'm emotionally fragile. With my current medications, therapy, routine, support, etc, I'm finally balancing on my big toe on the high wire. But anything, even a small thing, could make me topple over and have to start again. I'm fighting daily just for where I am now, and I'm afraid of losing the more stable ground I've discovered in the past few months.

I still feel paralyzed: too afraid to look back, too confused to go forward. But I try, a little at a time. When I'm ready. When I can set aside the time to cry over things like my wedding album, that at one time made me so happy.

And I dream about a happier, stable future. I have to believe that it's out there.

Tear-down and reconstruct

2007-01-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

I have a sinus infection. After just having bronchitis a month ago too. I'm sick of being sick. Luckily Lucian has only had colds that disappear so I can't complain about my body turning them into full blown infections. The doctor wanted to give me a steroid in addition to the antibiotics, but I wouldn't take it. I'd rather deal with the headache, coughing and drainage than 300+ blood sugars.

We've done some construction to my bedroom in the basement. (okay, not me... we had someone do it) Which meant that I had to box up everything, move it to another area, try to live without certain things for the duration (like the internet) or dig through boxes, wait, and finally try and put it all back. My only complaint is that this has been done the week that I'm not feeling well. I'm really excited that not only is my room better, it's also cleaner and more organized than it previously was. Spring cleaning a couple months early if you will. I slept in my own bed last night. Heaven.

I've had some issues that I've been dealing with lately, things that happened in the past that I'm trying to deal with. Nemo has been a whole lot like his old pre-drug, pre-stripper, pre-Lucian self. I have a really hard time trying to reconcile those two people into one. I know that no one is all bad or all good, we're somewhere on the spectrum between the two ends. It's just hard to figure out where Nemo should go. I look at him and the good and the bad both come rushing at me. I want to remember the good, but it's painful. I want to forget the bad, because it is painful. But I also don't want to forget, because, well, it happened and I don't want it erased.

Another list

2007-01-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't been blogging, because things have been pretty good and I don't want to jinx it. I've also reached a level of acceptance (a low level for sure!) and a lot of the time I feel it's just easier to forge ahead than work through old stuff. Plus I've been busy.

I hate to make a list, but I'm a list person. And any post is better than no post at all, right?

1. Lucian suddenly wants people to play with him every waking moment. While this is quite charming, it's frustrating not to be able to accomplish anything with him in the room. Plus he hasn't mastered the skill of sharing. But he's darling and so excited that I can't say no to his requests - "Mama, play!" He's also been saying things like - "Mama driving. Papa's car. Lucian backseat." It's such a riot. He tells stories like that all day. My favorite is when he's taking a bath - "Lucian pen*is. Mama no. Papa pen*is."

2. My sister got engaged. This might merit a whole blog on its own. (just kidding) I am extremely happy for her. That being said, I'm getting annoyed with everyone (my sister, friends and even Nemo if you can believe it) ask me how I'm taking the news. I'm happy, excited, thrilled. I hope she gets her happy ending. Because there is such stress put on me that I'm not as excited as I should be, I just don't know how to act. I'm so frustrated. This wedding has nothing to do with me [besides being sister of the bride and matron/maid (do I get to be a maid again, or how does that work anyway?) of honor], it's really about my sister and her fiance. I've been telling everyone I'm fine. I had my dream wedding day. Now please leave me alone and tell me where to buy the dress and what time you want me there.

3. My relationship with Nemo is still improving. It's reminding me of how it is with an old college room mate - familiar but reserved. He took Lucian, my mom and me out to dinner tonight. It was a grand gesture for him. I'm still reminded of my old Nemo and it still hurts. But I'm doing okay.

4. Speaking of which, I feel pretty darn good. Most of the time. I have lots of energy, which I have been pouring into listing lots of junk on that auction site I hate to mention. I'm even toying with the idea of opening a store. Have no idea where I'd get that kind of inventory but it's the first thing (besides Lucian) that I've been excited about in a long time.

5. I applied for a job this week that I really really want. It's part time with benefits, close to home, similar to a company I worked for before, doing something I could really handle. I worked really hard on my resume and cover letter - I hope it pays off. It would give me everything I need - to be close to home and Lucian to have control over that part of my life, health insurance, money, etc etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even though I've been disappointed by these kind of things many times before.

6. I'm not sure if it's my new pills or what, but my blood sugars have been all out of whack. I used to take about 35 units of insulin/day, now I'm up closer to 45. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it does. It took me weeks to tweak my basals so I could even come close to normal numbers. I don't know why I fight it so much. I just hate seeing my basals go from 18 units/day to 28.

7. I have a shopping day planned with my mom tomorrow. I'm dropping Lucian off with Nemo's mom and I'm getting out for the day. Nemo told me that Lucian begs Nemo's mom to play trains with him all day. That vision has been keeping a smile on my face because she's not one to get down on the floor and play. So it's gotta be a long day for her with him there.

8. Something else about Lucian. He climbed out of his crib for the first time the other day. I went in to get him one morning and he was sleeping on the floor with three pacifiers lined up next to him, and the picture of him and me moved on the dresser. I cracked up. Until I realized that he's not entirely safe anymore. He can get out of his crib. That petrifies me.

I want to write a big long meaningful post sometime soon. I've got lots of thoughts in my head just not the time to write them.

I have high hopes for 2007 though. It's going to be a better year.

Let it begin with me

2006-12-28T13:37:00.001-05:00

I may never forgive Nemo for what he's done, how he's changed my life and the pain he's put me through. But I realize that forgiveness is not about him, it's about me. It's about moving on and letting go of the past. I'm not ready for that yet, but at some point I want to be able to think about my pregnancy, Lucian's birth, and the time thereafter without a bitter taste coming up in my throat.

I've done a better job at accepting Nemo in Lucian's and my life. I don't like it, but I'm not fighting it so much. That's a conscious effort though on my part - it doesn't come easy.

Our plan for the holidays this year was for Lucian and me to have dinner with Nemo's family on Christmas Eve, and Nemo to have dinner with my family on Christmas day. Due to my bronchitis, I was unable to attend the Christmas Eve dinner - I just dropped Lucian off for a few hours.

I want this post to be about forgiveness and peace, so I'm going to leave out the parts where Nemo was late, I was having great anxiety, and the fact that I received another prank call (from his cell phone this time) at 2:45 am the night before.

On Christmas day, an uncle of mine joined us for dinner. So it was my parents, my sister, Lucian, Nemo, my uncle and me for dinner. It was pleasant. We ate, we laughed, Lucian fussed because he wanted to play with his toys rather than eat.

Shortly after dinner, Lucian had his bath, and Nemo got his coat on to leave. We had not had dessert yet, and I asked Nemo if he wanted to stay. (and even as I said it, I was thinking NO! but yet my good manners couldn't make me not issue the invitation.) Nemo declined. My Mom asked him, and then my Dad asked him. Nemo declined both invitations also, and when I looked at his face, I saw tears in his eyes. He quickly left. We had dessert and I didn't think much of it until the next day.

My uncle that joined us for dinner has been carrying around a lot of anger over his mother's death. He later told my mother that he was inspired by my family and how we dealt with Nemo after the events of the last couple of years. For us to have had a pleasant meal with him showed my uncle that you can deal with your anger in different ways and that peace is possible.

Up until that point, I'd been feeling like I'd repressed so much anger about Nemo that it annoyed me. Like why didn't I ever throw Nemo's clothes out in the front yard? Why didn't I slash his tires or key his car? Why did I continue to do his laundry, or keep the house clean when I knew that he would be keeping it? Why didn't I retaliate in some way?

I wish that I could have used my anger like that, but it's not the way I am. I'm a peacekeeper. And at times that makes me a pushover or a doormat, someone that bullies love to have around. But at the same time, I'm proud of my behavior. I've never sunk to Nemo's level.

Will I ever have complete peace and acceptance with Nemo? Probably not, because he can't be trusted. But I'd like to head in that direction.

There was a song that we used to sing in church when I was a child that my Mom loved. It was called Let There be Peace on Earth. I heard it at the store the other night. I haven't heard it in twenty years, and it was playing at the craft store of all places. I sang along with it - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me...

I am going to find peace.

Merry Christmas...

2006-12-26T13:17:00.001-05:00

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Season's Greetings....

Whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope it's filled with joy and peace.

I've been sick with bronchitis. Seems like I'm always sick for the holidays. But they were still nice. With a hint of anxiety and stress thrown in just for fun. More details to come when I'm feeling better.

Meltdown

2006-12-20T21:46:00.000-05:00

Nemo came over for his parenting time last night. We had dinner, then Nemo and Lucian proceeded to watch the choo choo movie, while I spent a leisurely hour reading. Nemo asked me about Christmas gifts for Lucian. We spoke a little about his grandmother, who is in poor health. He told us about a tv program he had seen that might help my Mom's business. At one point, I had to discipline Lucian by putting him timeout, and Nemo supported my actions.

Since this seems like a rather lovely evening (as far as spending time with Nemo goes), what complaint could I possibly have? Because you know I have one...

Last night, and for a few weeks now, Nemo has been participating in life again. He's communicating more, asking questions, getting involved in people's lives again.

As happy as I am that Nemo is easier to be around, I can't help but feel that all the pain and torment I went through by his doing is being glossed over. Because old Nemo is coming back!

It's easy to fall back into a relationship with an old friend after a fight. Even a sister, brother, or parent. But a wife/husband? It's much more complicated. I had to leave our marriage because it was killing my soul. I made the right decision, and I don't regret it for a minute. But having others see Nemo as being himself again feels like it's diminishing my suffering. And although I'm trying to "lay it down" (as my mother says), or work through it so I'm not carrying the pain around with me forever, I haven't reached that point yet. It still hurts me to think of all the nasty emotional games Nemo played with me. (I also don't want to be a victim forever, but for the moment, I'm still in the midst of feeling like one.)

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a bad feeling? And you can't figure out the reason for it? Then you realize that you had a bad dream. And even if you can or can't remember the details, those negative feelings follow you around for awhile? That's kind of how I felt last night. My rational side was like - it went great tonight, why are you complaining? But I couldn't help feeling... I don't know, not positive.

I had gotten used to the new Nemo. I knew what to expect. Now that I'm seeing glimpses of my old Nemo, it confuses me.

(Let me make it clearn that I don't want to get back together with him. And I really mean that I do not want to get back together with him. Forevermore, in my eyes, Nemo will walk hand and hand with untruths and manipulations. I can never see one without seeing the other. I will never be able to look at Nemo and not see the person who wouldn't come pick me up at the hospital after giving birth to Lucian, or that night, when he left me alone with a newborn when I couldn't even bend over due to the c-section incision. The way I see it, once a murderer, you're always a murderer. Even if you've served your time you can't take it away. Once a diabetic, always a diabetic. It's still there, even if you don't always see it. Maybe you can move on from the past, but you can't rewrite history.)

So there I was last night, after Nemo left, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me. I got over-emotional and worked up, started crying and obsessing. I couldn't figure out why when it seemed like things went really well. Then it hit me what my meltdown was about: my past colliding with my present and future. I've never handled any kind of change well, even positive change. The emotions are too much for me. When a two year old has a tantrum because his environment, emotions and communication skills aren't in sync, I understand, because that's what happened to me last night.

Today I'm feeling better. I've been able to talk my way through it. Thanks to my wonderful medication, (have I mentioned lately how great I feel?) I still feel stable. I'm even glad it happened because I learned a little more about the feelings I encountered.

I'm still hoping that he rides off into the sunset and leaves Lucian and me alone. A girl's gotta have a fantasy, right?

Confused, but not obsessing

2006-12-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

I got an e-mail from Nemo this weekend. He said that he had found the perfect Christmas gift for my Dad, gave me a website, and then said that he would have liked to buy it for him but that it was awkward. But he'd give me money to buy it for him.

I'm softening to Nemo. I don't mean that in a I'd-like-to-get-back-together-with-him way. Never. I mean it in a I-hate-him-a-tiny-bit-less way.

It was such a strange e-mail because he has made obvious his lack of funds, and yet he offers me money to buy a gift for my Dad? Mostly it was strange because he took the time. Two years ago I could barely get him to show up for the birth of Lucian, yet now he's sending me e-mails about gifts I should buy.

I'd like to think the best but what I really feel is that it's staged. I think Nemo has very little going on his life at the current moment. With his brother out of state, one of his party buddies, just became a father, another (#3 on that list in the link) is getting remarried soon, and even though I can't seem to find what Elvira is up to these days without asking directly, I think she's out of the picture, so I think he's bored.

Luckily, thanks to my new medications, I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about it. But I don't think I'll ever be convinced that there's not an ulterior motive in anything he does again.

Lots of miscellaneous stuff

2006-12-12T21:38:00.000-05:00

In no particular order, random happenings...

I think I've had more internet traffic find my blog by searching "cut my hair short" or "chopped hair" than anything else I've ever written. Maybe I need to change my tagline?

Nemo came over tonight, and dare I say, all things considered, it went well. We laughed about some things that happened in the past, and he also fixed one of Lucian's toys. I can not forget all the hideous things he's done, but I will say that I'm tolerating him better. That's as generous as I can be.

I took Lucian to see Santa this week. Last year, he had a meltdown sitting on Santa's lap (all three times!) This year, he sat patiently, and although he was acting more shy than usual, he smiled for the camera. He pronounces Santa as aah-kah and it cracks me up each time he says it.

I also took Lucian for his two year photos. He did wonderfully. I had many great photos to choose from. I also had a coupon (a really great coupon) so I was able to order more pictures and not feel guilty about the cost. When I took Lucian for his nine month photos, the photographer made me feel guilty, even when I explained that I was on a strict budget. Feeling horrible, I cried the whole way home in the car that day. Anxiety drugs + awesome coupon + preparation for the guilt + in charge of my own money instead of having a negative bank balance = a much better experience.

Lucian had his two year doctor appointment too. His height is 90th percentile, weight 50th and head size 25th. He's tall and skinny with a small head. What can I say? I'm short, not thin, and have a larger head. I'm so glad that his size seems to be similar to my father's, or perhaps his donor father. The doctor was also impressed with the number of words he's saying, and his understanding of shapes and colors. He's a sharp kid, but I work hard with him too. Having someone else (especially someone with an MD after her name) say great things about your child is the best that it gets.

I have a good deal of my Christmas shopping completed. I'm that person who always starts early (like September), but can't find the perfect gift until the last minute (my poor decision making skills at work). My brother and sister and I agreed to a $10 budget, and it was much easier than I thought it would be. I've bought mostly trains for Lucian, and a tricycle that he already found and tried to ride. I also bought a matching one for my God daughter. I feel less pathetic this Christmas - I'm sure alot of that is due to my wonderful anti-depressants.

Does anyone besides me think Tivo is a burden? I get so backed up with shows that I have to start deleting things that are least important so I can keep the more important ones. I really want to watch everything I tape - I have such good intentions, but not so many hours to be camped out in front of the tv.

I've been having a horrible time with my blood sugars. I can't seem to figure out why I'm having quite so many highs with no reason. I've increased my basals and boluses and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have a history of increasing my insulin and gaining weight from being hungry, so I'm more conservative than I should be because I'm scared of that viscious circle. I'm already heavier than I should be.

Speaking of which, my parents bought an ice cream machine and my Mom is now making homemade ice cream just because it's fun. I have too much of a sweet tooth to not take part in our family ritual of dessert.

I saw a friend and her husband argue this weekend, and it made me realize that there are some definite benefits to being single. Besides having the bed to myself or not having to share Tivo that is (that Tivo burden is mine alone!) I realized that right now I'm so glad that I only have to worry about myself and Lucian. And that one day Lucian will grow up. I often was a parent to my husband, and although I miss being part of a couple, I'm so glad that right now it's all about me and how I want to run things. I don't miss making lunches, insisting he take his medicine, picking up after him, reminding him that it's trash day, trying to make important decisions with no input from him, or watching what he wants on tv. I don't even have to consider his feelings at all.

Well I gotta go. Tivo is awaiting.

Me and my rubber suit against the world

2006-12-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

My new anti-depressants are wonderful. I've already mentioned that I'm doing better, but I can't help but say it again.

I used to feel that my problems were being soaked into my soul. I couldn't think about anything else. I'd get focused on something, and not be able to let it go. My mind and my heart were so heavy, carrying everything around constantly. I was being eaten alive by my thoughts. I felt powerless to change anything.

I now feel like I'm wearing a rubber suit. I have an extra layer of protection against the world. The ugliness comes at me and instead of absorbing it, I'm able to see it clearly, then wipe it off. The problems aren't trapped inside me forever and ever. I'm able to put them on a shelf in another room, and take them out once in awhile. And then put them back again.

My load has been lightened considerably. I'm still confused by alot of things. There's still problems in my life that need solutions. But I feel like I've been given a big chunk of myself back.

Maybe I could have clicked my heels at any time and been transported to this place. I'm sure that the power was within me all along. But I couldn't access it before now. I was chasing my tail and I didn't know how to stop.

I'm freer than I've been in a very long time.

It's a start.

My heart

2006-12-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

My dearest Lucian,

Happy Birthday - today you turned 2.

Two years ago you came into my life, but now I can't remember clearly a day that you weren't in it. Everything that happened to me before you came along seems rather empty. I wonder where I found joy? And hope and inspiration?

It hasn't been an easy couple of years for me. So much in my life has changed from the way it was, the way I thought it would be. You're being raised in a completely different (and way better) environment. I have often felt that you are the only thing that kept my head above water during the heartache in my life.

I love you more than I ever could have imagined. Did I ever even know what love was before you? While I was pregnant, I feared the unknown. Not knowing your other biological parent left 50% of you up to chance. That scared me. But from the moment I set my eyes upon you, I knew who you were: the light of my life. Even now, there's little I know about the other half of your genetics.

A few weeks ago, we went to a party, and you were the only one dancing. Twirling and marching, laughing and dancing your heart out while a crowd gathered to watch. I had a vision of what your grandmother was like as a child.

Every night, you have a bath, get your pajamas on, have a bottle while we read books, then you "march" to your room, grab your blanket and your pacifier that you lined up just-so on your dresser and put your arms out to be picked up so you can go to bed. You're so deliberate in your actions, following our routine with such precision, that we call you a mini-me version of your grandfather.

And when you smile! You smile with your eyes, just like me. I see my own reflection in your face. You have the charm of your uncle. When you flash one of your smiles, people melt and are under your spell forever. You have the sweetness of your aunt. A charitable, kind, loving disposition that I wish I had myself.

I'm just as fascinated by your genetics that I can't attribute to anyone. Where did your nose come from? Your defined jawline? Your huge feet? Every day it's like I'm unwrapping a present and I can't wait to see what's coming next.

I'm thrilled to be a part of your life. I consider myself blessed and too fortunate for my own good to be your mother. I am honored and humbled that in all the world of parents and children, eggs and sperm, that we found each other.

Today and everyday before and after, you are my heart.

Love, Mom

Feeling better

2006-11-28T14:54:00.000-05:00

I love my new (prescription) drugs. While I'm still struggling in many ways, I feel that I'm rejoining my life, a little at a time.

I've been able to focus lately. It's feels amazing to really be content with a task at hand and not freaking out about what comes next.

I'm accomplishing much more than I ever used to.

Plus I feel like I'm not always coasting through the day, waiting for the end when I can go to bed. There are moments along the way that I'm enjoying.

The chatter in my head is slowing down. My obsessive thoughts are taking up less space.

I'm finding that things that would cause me great anxiety before don't affect me so greatly. I'm able to see these things as a temporary road block instead of a permanent one and I'm able to think more logically.

I'm starting to think that Lucian and I really will be fine in the end. I've been saying it, trying to believe it, but up until now, I haven't been able to convince my heart.

I actually feel lighter.

One of my pills keeps me in a constant state of dry mouth. Sometimes the thirstiness makes me question my blood sugar. It's a small price to pay.

Even my prescription copay, which I think is outrageous, is a small price to pay.

I'm nowhere near thinking all my problems are solved, or even that I hold the key to solving them soon. But I feel optimistic, hopeful, and more content in my own skin that I have in a long time.

Anything is possible. It feels good just to say it, and really mean it.

Readiness

2006-11-20T21:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight I found out that my friend who filed for a divorce about three months ago, is dating someone.

I'm conflicted for two reasons:

First, for her kids. (but since I didn't hear this from her directly, I don't know much about it, and I'm going to assume that she is not introducing this new person to her children yet. I like to think that she has their best interests in mind.) So I'm not going to address this issue.

Second, because I feel left behind. In my own life. My reasoning for not dating is because for the time being, my son is the most important thing. I'm trying to give him the most solid foundation that I can, and right now (for me, anyway) I feel that I'm doing the right thing. I want to get our lives on track before I introduce someone new into it. (maybe even more importantly, I want to get my life on track before I introduce someone new into it.)

I can't help but wonder, how is my friend able to get on with her life so quickly? Before the papers are finalized and signed? How? Why am I not ready? Why is she?

The conflict that I'm having is that I really do want to have someone in my life. I want that fairy tale happy ending too. (heck I just want a little less of a bumpy ride along the way) But I don't feel very datable right now - I wouldn't want to date me. (You know that whole, you've gotta love yourself before others can thing.)

It's hard sitting on the sidelines. Even if you know you're not ready to get into the game.

I'm still alive

2006-11-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

I've been terribly busy lately. I've been thinking a lot about posting, but haven't had the time or energy to do it. Especially to do it without sounding pathetic, depressed, or God forbid, like I'm throwing myself a pity party.

So in no particular order, here's what I've been up to:

1. Selling things on the famous auction site that I won't mention by name. I've sold a bunch of Lucian's clothes. Not that I'm really making any money with all the fees they charge, but even a few dollars means something when you're jobless, right? Plus I'm getting rid of some clutter.

2. I chopped my hair off. I've had long hair since 8th grade, when I had a horrible "boy" cut that I detested. After that, I never had the guts to cut it short. I've been feeling for awhile now that I need some kind of change, any change, just to prove I can do it. So I did it. Seven whole inches. Now my hair is just a hair (ha ha) below my chin. I love it. I feel like I've lost ten pounds. (Nemo used to like my hair long, which was another reason for doing it.)

3. Lucian has been talking nonstop. Something just snapped in him one day. He's now repeating everything. And naming everything. He likes to take a roll call. At dinner, he'll go - Papa, Gigi, Mama, Oy (which is what he calls himself. I'll say - where's Lucian? And he'll say - Oy! and point to himself. And then I'll say - where's Oy? And again he points to himself.) If I ask him who's here, he names us all plus the pets. It's a riot.

4. My new medications are working well. One of the new ones I'm on is helping with my obsessiveness. I'm finding that things that would upset me before aren't bothering me quite so much. I'm not reacting quite the same way. I'm spending a fortune on doctor's bills and medications, but I don't care, because I think there might actually be an end to the fog in my head.

5. Nemo asked me about the holidays and I didn't freak out (much). We came up with a plan. One that I can live with. Have I mentioned that Nemo has been MIA for Lucian's first two Christmases? This year he's suddenly turned into Father Christmas.

6. Lucian's birthday is coming up. I wasn't able to do anything for his first birthday due to circumstances and finances. I'm having a party to which I haven't invited Nemo or his family. I feel wonderful about it. I still can't afford to do much, but that's okay. It will be a party nonetheless.

7. I think I've mentioned before that my Mom is an artist. The holidays are where she makes the majority of her income. I've always helped where I could, which is to say, not very much. This year, she's doing something that my left brain can participate in. Every night that we're not too exhausted, I've been helping her. Hopefully she'll make lots of money. I think helping her has helped me mentally focus too. Helping other people is always more helpful for yourself. Words to live by.

An example of how obsessing and worrying gets me nowhere

2006-11-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

Lucian's birthday is this month. He'll be two. I've been aware since his first birthday that this year his birthday will fall on Nemo's night of parenting. Basically, I've been planning how to handle this situation for almost a year now, so that I can have the birthday for my son that I want, with me included, and where I feel in control.

(I've mentioned that I'm totally obsessive compulsive and controlling, right? This is why I'm seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Who the heck thinks this much about their kid's birthday a whole year before?)

I found some coupons for a kid-type restaurant in the newspaper. I approached Nemo tonight:

Me: (holding coupons) I was thinking about Lucian's birthday and thought maybe we could have dinner at this (totally obnoxious, expensive, bad food) restaurant.

Nemo: (surprised and excited) Yeah! Sounds good.

Me: I thought we could invite our parents, my sister, etc etc, buy 47 tokens, and order these five things off the menu, get there at 6:30, leave at 8:00, blah blah blah....

Nemo: Sounds good. What day of the week is his birthday on?

Me: Umm... (playing dumb because I have his next ten birthdays planned out) Let's see, last year it was on a (n)day, so it must be a (n+1)day.

Nemo: Okay. Sounds good to me.

Me: Let me know and we can plan how many people and whether we need to make a reservation. And I can plan for the weather, acts of God, and other miscellaneous things.

Nemo: Okay. Cool.

Do I need to blather on about everything? I get nervous talking to people (this even happens with people I'm close to) where suddenly I've told them so much they're either bored to tears or know way too much information about boring things in my life.

Obviously, Nemo is just along for the ride, just happy to be invited along. And I've been thinking and obsessing about it for a year. Don't get me started on the holidays. I feel so messed up. Yet I can't stop.

My doctor put me on some new medication. Hopefully it will straighten me out. This is getting so tiring.

The night before

2006-11-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

The night before my wedding, I cried my eyes out at the rehearsal dinner.

There had been a lot of stress the week before the wedding. Nemo and I didn't even talk for a bunch of days about three weeks before. I had had a freak out of sorts the summer before too, but we (meaning I) had resolved that.

It should have been smooth sailing at the last minute, but it wasn't. Even though I thought it was, I realize now that it was filled with bumps.

I was a pretty relaxed bride-to-be. I let others make decisions: my Mom the flowers, Nemo's mom the cake, that sort of thing. I was planning a marriage, not a wedding. I just wanted the day to be fun and stress-free. I got almost none of that.

After the rehearsal at the church was finished, and after we had had dinner, we start saying good-bye to everyone. That's when Nemo tells me that he is going out with his friends. It's like 11:00 at night, and tomorrow is the biggest day of our lives. And he wants to go out. He had a bachelor party the week before, why did he have to go out once more? Why this night of all nights? I wanted him to be in bed early preparing for our day. But that's not why I started crying.

I asked, then begged Nemo not to go. I pleaded with him to do this one thing that would make me happy. What did he say to me? That he couldn't disappoint his (dirt bag) friends. They were forcing him to go.

I approached two of his friends, two that I had more respect for than the others. I asked them that if they were going to take Nemo out, and wouldn't do me this one favor, would they at least guarantee that they wouldn't keep him out late or get him drunk. The friend that I had the highest amount of respect for looked me straight in the eye and said - I can't promise you anything. That's when I burst into tears.

Knowing all I do now about what happened to my marriage and the person I was really marrying, this story is not of great significance besides the fact that it shows me that even early on, Nemo wasn't willing to compromise with me. He put his friends and his need for instant gratification before me. Always.

I knew even then, that it wasn't his friends' responsibility for making sure Nemo got sleep the night before his wedding. It was Nemo who wanted to go, he was the problem in this. I think it was just easier for me to blame his friends.

[side note: 10.5 months later, at another friend's wedding, it was slipped out in conversation that Nemo and his friends had gone to a str!p club that night. I was so mad then that I didn't speak to Nemo for a few days. He claimed that he just didn't remember. His friends still remembered after 10.5 months, why didn't he?]

I never thought about calling off the wedding. Never had a doubt at all once I recovered from my cold feet panic from the summer previous. I loved Nemo and I accepted him with all his faults included. I convinced myself that love was enough. I even thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea just how naive I was. I probably still don't understand the complexities of the disaster that was my marriage.

Tomorrow would have been my seventh anniversary. Tonight there will be no tears, and tomorrow I will celebrate the joy of living the truth.

Insulin: day one (maybe)

2006-10-31T08:58:00.000-05:00

My Dad is at the doctor right now getting all of the information so that he can start taking insulin as soon as possible. (My parents seemed to think that he'd get the prescription today, and start his first shot tonight. I, however, think that he does not yet have all the red tape sorted through with his job. My Dad's job typically does not allow insulin takers in the position he is in, but a waiver is possible, which he does not currently have.)

Still, whatever the outcome of this morning's visit, he soon will start the never ending infinity of shots. It saddens me. I know how inconvenient, sometimes painful, dreadful, and frustrating it is. It also gives me promise, because my Dad's diabetes has been headed in this direction for awhile, so I'm relieved that he's finally taking a step that will benefit his health.

Mixed emotions. The story of my life.

I admit that it's also hard for me to watch. I know enough to know that even though at times it's easy, it's not at first, and there's always moments where diabetes throws you a curve ball. I know it's coming and I'm powerless to stop it from hitting him. Still though, I know that this is the best thing for his health, so I support it one hundred percent.

It's fitting that it's Halloween - a day of candy gluttony - that my Dad is taking this step away from his restrictive diet. I hope one day soon he is able to enjoy a bit of that candy. A little no-guilt chocolate can go a long way.

A better place

2006-10-30T14:43:00.000-05:00

I just had the one year anniversary of moving in with my parents. In the next week, I will celebrate one year that my divorce has been final. (Coincidentally, the divorce was final just the day before what would have been our sixth anniversary.)

I had ten months to prepare for the move to my parents' house. I physically started packing things over six months before the final box was carried out the door. I had time to look at every item in the house: Will I need this in my new life? Is it fair or unfair for me to take or leave it? Is this worth fighting over? Will Nemo even know it's gone? Definitely my obsessive behavior coming out there!

Nemo never said more than a few words about me moving. Every once in awhile, he'd say - what happened to the wine rack? (moved to a different room so my crawling son wouldn't get into it, duh) or - have you seen my winter coat/gloves/favorite shirt/sandals/etc? (banished all that stuff from my sight, but not the house, try looking in your own closet, you idiot) But for the most part, he was pretty clueless about anything I had packed or relocated.

Moving day came on a Sunday. Most of our furniture had either been his or mine from before our marriage so it wasn't hard to divide. Surprisingly, we had come to an agreement early on regarding the other furniture that we had bought together. And even though friends and family thought that I should take everything I could get my hands on, because he deserved nothing for what he did, I didn't want to start any arguments with him, so I left him half.

We never really decided who was going to take what other than those few couches and tables. There was a great deal of other things that we both wanted: the $1800 camera that Nemo had bought right at the same time he bought Elvira a $500 watch which I thought should belong to me, and Tivo, specifically.

On moving day, most of my furniture and boxes were loaded up to take to my parents' house. I realized then that there was alot more that I had missed that I didn't have time for that day. So I postponed actually leaving. I knew that I'd never be able to retrieve something later if I left it, so I wanted to go through everything with a fine toothed comb.

I need to back the train up a bit and tell you that as a shower gift, my Mom painted the baby's room. She painted a mural that covered every inch of the walls and took her over 125 hours. (depicted in the photo above, although the mural was not completely finished when the photo was taken. And, that was only part of one wall.) Nemo's parents bought us the baby furniture. On moving day, I had cleared out Lucian's room, besides the crib.

One night later that week, Nemo came home from work. My parents were there, and we were going to go out to dinner so Nemo could have some parenting time. Upon returning, Nemo started screaming at me. He had noticed that I took the baby furniture that his parents had bought. I tried reasoning with him. I couldn't exactly take a mural with me, so he could keep that. Where was the baby to sleep if not in the crib that was specifically purchased for him? I wasn't about to go out and buy new furniture. It's a ridiculous argument to have.

Nemo kept yelling, and started calling me names. I was frightened. After seeing his behavior from the previous year, I thought that he might get violent. My Mom stepped up and started trying to reason with him also. Have you ever argued with crazy? It's completely impossible. My Dad sat quietly, not wanting to get involved.

[side note: I had a long talk with my Dad after this incident. I told him that he needed to step up and defend me and not sit idly by. Not long after this particular day came Lucian's birthday, where my Dad stepped up to the plate with grace.]

Nemo eventually got so mad that he left. Maybe he felt that he might be violent, I don't know. I was truly terrified of him that night. When I have moments where Nemo is putting on his I'm-a-nice-guy-how-could-you-think-otherwise? act, I remember that night and I can't forget my feelings of terror.

What if my parents hadn't been there? That is what scares me the most.

My parents helped me get everything else out of the house in the next two days. I felt like a criminal because alot of the stuff was moved out after dark. Because I didn't know when Nemo would return (alot of times he would arrive at crazy hours), I felt the pressure of getting out of there quickly and quietly. It's not my proudest moment sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night. Even though I was only taking what was mine, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, and the law had not made me feel otherwise.

In my mind, I still walk through the house. I visit all the rooms, opening drawers, looking out windows, remembering how my fingers touched the door knobs and how my feet felt cold on the tile. I remember my pregnancy and feeling trapped in my dream house, the crying and sobbing and anguish that took hold of me when I lay on the kitchen floor in a ball. I remember cleaning ceiling fans, hanging Christmas lights, and mourning the losses of my IVFs. I can hear the doorbell ringing when Elvira came to the door and feel the panic and fear in my chest. It's all saved in my head, never to be forgotten. I can't always pull out those memories, they're a big knot that I can't seem to figure out where to start. It pains me too much to try and even think about unraveling it, let alone actually getting it loose.

Emotionally I've been weak for the past few weeks; I've been having a difficult time. I've been in a hard place. But it's not as hard as it was. I'm in a brighter place now. There's hope. My doorbell doesn't ring in the middle of the night. I haven't had to clean a ceiling fan and I've never lay crying on the floor in the fetal position, or screamed at the top of my lungs til I could no longer use my voice. There's order here, a predictability that gets me through the day, even the hard ones. I'm surrounded by love and respect, faith, peace and happiness. I'm so thankful for what I have.

There are still many demons lurking around. I mean, Nemo is still in the picture. But my son and I are safe and loved, and that's the biggest blessing there is.

Oh, and I did take the crib and the camera. And my amazingly wonderful parents bought me a new Tivo of my very own.

This moment

2006-10-27T13:02:00.000-04:00

I had a conversation with my brother this morning. I'm not able to talk to him as much as I'd like, because he works all the time. Like twelve hour days.

Anyway, during this somewhat rare conversation we had, he said something to me that I've been thinking a lot about. He said - I want to try and live in the present, make peace with my past, and stop worrying about the future. That's true happiness. (this is not a direct quote, by the way)

I wish I could learn that this is the moment I need to be happy in.

I have plenty of happy moments. Most of them involve Lucian. But the rest of the time, I'm not. Even though I realize that I'm in a better place than I was last year, the year before, or even where I was during the facade that was my marriage. Even though I'm thankful for everything I do have: the baby I dreamed of, a supportive family, a roof over my head, I'm not happy now.

I've always been a glass is half full kind of person. I don't feel like that same person anymore. I realize that I'm in a transition, which is necessary to become the person I'm going to be. Like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. I need to experience all this. Even though it's so hard. I wish I could wrap up in my cocoon until the butterfly in me comes out.

What a week

2006-10-24T13:47:00.000-04:00

I've been sick this week, and my parents have been out of town so I've been on my own taking care of Lucian. I thought many times about taking a moment to update my blog, but just didn't have the energy. (and I actually did try once, but Blogger wouldn't let me.)

I believe I just have a cold, but it's been in my head and sinuses, and making my world seem fuzzy. Emotionally too it's been a hard few weeks for me. I've been feeling so defeated and unmotivated. I'm going to be returning to my doctor soon because I think I need some medication changes.

Lucian has started stringing words together. I'm amazed by everything he says - "birthday party" "mama coat" "bye-bye doggie" stuff like that. He's also learned the power of the word "no!" which has caused some power struggles between us. Since he hasn't figured out the concept of choices, he basically says no to everything, even if he really wants it.

Nemo has informed me that he's starting group therapy for "something that happened before he met me". I have no idea if this is a lie, the truth, or somewhere in between. I'd love if he were getting therapy for something, but I've learned enough from the past that he tells convenient lies. I'm sure he knew that I'd buy into an idea about him getting some kind of help.

I've started receiving hang up calls again. I believe that it's Elvira. I don't know of any telemarketers that call and hang up at 9:30 on a Saturday night. And really, the point of a telemarketer is to talk to you, not hang up.

Most days Lucian and I go on a walk with my Dad and the dog. My parents have an exercise bike which I've recently started using. I haven't lost any weight, nor am I feeling any better, but I feel like I could feel better. At least I'm trying.

I used to crochet quite a bit, and my Mom has been at me to start again. I finally took her suggestion and started a blanket. I don't feel the passion I once did, but as with everything else, I'm hoping to change my thinking by changing my actions. Even if it's not working yet.

Last week I saw my endocrinologist. My A1C is at 7.0. Considering my stress, it's a number I can live with, but not one that I'm happy with. Luckily, my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect, so I didn't leave the office feeling bad about everything. He gave me two bottles of insulin samples too, which is a huge help considering my $50/prescription price tag that I can hardly afford.

I'm off to try and take a rest before Lucian is up from his nap.

Breakdown

2006-10-16T14:25:00.000-04:00

Prior to two and a half years ago, I used to handle stress pretty well. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason why I've turned into a total basket case. Maybe it's all the reasons put together: pregnancy, baby, divorce, moving, trust issues, joblessness, etc. Any little thing can be the straw that broke my camel's back. The snap that makes my life seem unbearable.

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.

I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.

I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.

The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)

So here's what I found out:

1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.

2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.

3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.

4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)

5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.

After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.

I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.

I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?

A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.

And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)

What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)

I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.

I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.

I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.

I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?

I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.

This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.

The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.

Don't you forget about me

2006-10-15T08:58:00.000-04:00

To all my adoring fans: (ha ha ha!)

Been having quite the emotional, busy and sleep deprived weekend and I'm not ready to write about it just yet. I'm still here, and surviving. (Surprisingly, blood sugars have been surprisingly good through it all.)

Be back soon when I can update more. Come back again.
-Stella

Inappropriateness

2006-10-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing sends me into an emotional frenzy like dealing with Nemo.

(And before I tell you what happened this time, I'd just like to say that I'm really trying not to let him agitate me. But he does. Just by existing and having contact with me and my son.)

Last night I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house for his parenting time. A good number of the extended family were there, which I assumed was due to Nemo's brother moving out of state this weekend, and they were having his farewell dinner on a night when Lucian was there.

(Let me also interject that I am more nervous on nights when there are others there. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm definitely more anxious when there's a group of Nemo's relatives there.)

My Mom came with me to pick Lucian up. Some of the younger relatives were gathered around the kitchen table playing cards and eating cake. Nemo had Lucian on his lap. He gets up to give Lucian to me.

I get distracted by Nemo's aunt, who is trying to offer me a piece of cake, so I'm not able to take Lucian from Nemo. Nemo waits. And with Lucian in his arms, says to him - if you lift up your shirt, and let me see your belly button, I'll give you a bite of cake.

I then said, quickly and loud enough for the whole kitchen to hear me - this is not a str*ip club, my child isn't going to take off his clothes for any kind of bribery.

We left without further incident. But it weighed on me last night, and this morning too.

Before I was able to address the subject, I received an e-mail from Nemo, saying how my comment was out of line. He goes on to say how I should have pulled him aside privately and how he never knows what kinds of comments are going to set me off. Not only was he the one with the offensive behavior, he's trying to pin it on me. So typical.

I ended up e-mailing him back:

What prompted me to make the str*ip club comment, was your comment to Lucian
about lifting his shirt to see his belly button and he could have a bite of cake. This comment was so out of line - no child should ever be made to feel that they have to do something like reveal a body part for food. I want Lucian to know this is wrong, so that he is never touched in the wrong way. I'm not saying that that was your intention, but in this day and age, every child is potentially at risk, and he needs to know that that was an inappropriate request.
That being said, my response was said to shock you, not embarrass you. I needed you to know on the spot that your comment was inappropriate. In the last year of our marriage, I sat by quietly while everything was falling down around me. I didn't stand up for things that I knew were wrong. I've since learned in therapy that when something happens that shocks you, you respond to it. If there's a fire in your
house, you yell FIRE!!, not sit around and watch your house burn to the ground.

His response was that I misunderstood what he had said, that he only meant that Lucian had some cake on his stomach. My Mom was standing right there, and neither of us misunderstood what he said.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I can't trust this man for a minute. Even if he really doesn't mean any harm, his comments are inappropriate at best.

It's no wonder that I'm up at night worrying. There're so many horrifying possibilities of nightmares to come.

No news

2006-10-11T13:09:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I feel like I have nothing (interesting) to say. I can't seem to wrap my mind around one thing that I'd like to write about. At least about things happening in the present.

There are past events that I'd like to write about, but I'm not in the right mental frame of mind to do it just now.

So here's a brief update what's been happening this week:

Lucian is doing well. He can now repeat the alphabet letter for letter, and is really working hard at trying new words.

Nemo is being his usual (insert expletive here) self. He's so inappropriate at times, it drives me crazy. He e-mailed a picture of Lucian to me, writing - doesn't it look like he's about to do something bad? Maybe I just take offense at everything he says and does, but really, are any two year olds bad? The picture was of Lucian smiling in his car seat.

I've been having a difficult time with my blood sugars again. I'm going to the endocrinologist next week. Maybe he can snap me back into where I need to be.

The weather is becoming increasingly dreary. Today has a nap written all over it. I think the weather may be a factor in my somewhat sour mood.

Here's to tomorrow being a more focused day!

Birthday party

2006-10-08T14:37:00.000-04:00

Imagine feeling so anxious about a child's birthday that you have to take a double dose of your anti-anxiety medication.

That's what I did yesterday.

Lucian and I were invited to Nemo's cousin's daughter's birthday party. More specifically, the birthday girl was the daughter of Lucian's godfather.

All of Nemo's family was going to be there. The only reason I agreed to go was because the cousin and the godfather have both made an effort to befriend me. Oh, and the second smaller reason that I didn't want Nemo fighting me for this time - I thought it would just be easier to attend.

As is the case with most of my anxieties, there wasn't much reason for it. The party went smoothly. And besides my annoyance with my ex-mother-in-law because she wouldn't let Lucian come to me when he hit his head, I didn't have an awful time.

Nemo's dad never looked at me or said a word to me, just sat on the couch like a lump. None of the uncles greeted me either. It's amazing how childish sixty year old men can be. I was pleasantly surprised that two of the male cousins who have mostly ignored me in the past two years came up to me and hugged me hello.

What counts the most is that Lucian had a wonderful time. They have every toy known to man at their house and he was in his glory. He was sent home with balloons too - it just doesn't get any better than that for him.

Rejection with a glimmer of hope

2006-10-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

I finally heard about the job that I interviewed for back in August.

I didn't get it.

No surprise there, really. I had already pretty much decided that it wasn't the ideal job for me. To be honest, I was a little relieved that I didn't have to turn down a job offer. (I'm not in the position to be turning any down job offer at this point, so really, it's a relief.)

The letter I received was the nicest rejection letter ever. The good news about the whole thing is that they really liked me (the word impressed was even used!), and if I weren't so overqualified (what?) they would have offered me the job. They'd like to keep me in mind for other positions that they're hiring for in the next few months. Because this is a small company and I have a very close friend working there, I'm believing this as fact.

The timing is good too. I'm feeling more ready to go back to work by the day. (Not that I want to, but I'm dealing with it) At some point, I may even be READY! I feel like one day I might even be excited about it.

I've been trying to have faith that my life will work out the way it's supposed to. That faith that I should have had while I was waiting for Lucian to enter my life.

Even with all the other things I'm dealing with (and I'll be the first to admit that a lot of it is my own mental state), I'm way more hopeful than I ever was.

And just in case you're wondering about Nemo's flesh eating disease, I'll have an update this weekend. I'm trying not to let him spoil my good mood today.

Missing

2006-10-05T13:49:00.000-04:00

I hunger for my old life. Not a day goes by that I don't think of something that makes me reminisce and miss something that was a part of that life.

I can see myself walking through the rooms of our house. I'm often alone in my memories, in the way I can see the morning sun coming through the windows in just such a way that signals the hope of a new day. I see myself in my favorite chair, curled up with a book, one that I won't remember the title or the details of six months later. I see my cats perched on top of the refrigerator - I'd attempted climbing up on kitchen chairs to swat them down, but they'd be up there again before I knew it. I finally left them to their bird's eye view in peace. I see myself dancing in the family room, decorating the Christmas tree, and weeding the garden.

I see moments with Nemo too. He and I sleeping in on a lazy Sunday morning, the way my sheets felt against my skin, and warmness that comes only from sleeping beside another person. I see us having dinner together, watching a movie, getting ready for a wedding, painting the basement, planning a trip, all mundane things that mean nothing individually, but together add up to a life shared.

This old life of mine was a sham. The things that I thought I had weren't really there at all. Sure, the material things were there, our physical bodies were there. But the key piece was my husband, his heart, and he was an illusion. I bought into it. I'm not mad at myself for not seeing it earlier, Nemo put on a good show for me. It would be like getting mad at yourself for believing in Santa Claus for so long - when you're a child, all the evidence points to the fact that he is real - but once you know the truth, you're able to see through the facade. And wouldn't you like to go back to the time when you believed? Just for a moment? To breath it in take that fullness with you? There's something to be said for blissful ignorance.

However, there's more to be said about living the truth.

I want to live in the world of integrity, sincerity and honesty. Sometimes these two worlds of mine collide. And I wish for things that I know in my head just can't be, because they never really were.

In my heart, those things were real. If only to me and no one else.

I still don't know which part was the lie

2006-10-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

This morning I e-mailed Nemo to find out how contagious his disease is today.

Surprisingly (and I mean this in an ironic way), he is still sick today. Sicker, in fact, than yesterday. Today he has the sores and is ill. And he cancelled his parenting time. Thankfully.

He said that he'd be iffy for the remainder of the week. Especially for Lucian's swim class, because he doesn't want to get in the water if he still has the sores. Hello, wasn't that what I was saying to him yesterday? When he told me how much better he was doing?

I don't want this blog to become the look-what-Nemo-has-done-now show, so I'm going to try and keep these ridiculous exchanges to a minimum. I've realized by the new tags that I'm using, that way too many of my posts are about Nemo and that's not what I want this blog to be about. I really want it to be about how I'm putting my life back together, with explanations of what happened in the past.

I'm going to try to do it anyway.

Lies, lies and more lies... or maybe not?

2006-10-01T20:36:00.000-04:00

If someone is constantly lying to you, and you are forced to deal with them, how do you make it work?

As I mentioned on Friday, Nemo called and told me he was sick. Not only called me, but sent me an e-mail with links about this disease he has and how horrible it is. He told me that he went to the doctor on Friday morning and the doctor told him to come back on Monday to be re-evaluated. That he even might have to be admitted to the hospital for seven days.

I told Nemo in no uncertain terms that I did not want Lucian around him if he was contagious. Nemo agreed with me.

Fast forward to today, Sunday. Nemo called me this afternoon to see Lucian tomorrow. I asked him how his disease was progressing. He said that his boils or scabs or whatever were mostly healed. I don't see how this is possible since it has only been two days. And from my research on the internet, most likely these boils would have needed to be surgically drained. Nemo did not mention that he had had that done on Friday. (although he told me about a coworker that had her boils surgically drained, so I assume he would have told me that he, too, had had that done.)

He said that he is still going back to the doctor tomorrow. I said that I wanted him to ask the doctor specifically about his contagiousness. But is he really going to the doctor?

Then I asked him if he was okay, because he sounded distant. (I slip this concern of mine in every once in awhile. But honestly, sometimes he sounds sick and contagious, or so unlike himself, that I wonder if he is drunk or high or something) Anyway, he tells me that he is out of the state, out shopping for condos with his brother, who is moving.

Isn't it interesting that the same weekend that Nemo is claiming to be deathly ill, is the same weekend he takes a trip that is over five hours away. My guess is that he wanted to leave Friday night, so he suddenly had this illness.

Here I've been so worried that Lucian is going to catch this disease, when Nemo probably hasn't been sick at all.

Or has he?

I'm exhausted by all these things I can not control. How do I not worry about Lucian? I think any mother would worry. And yet, I feel like Nemo's always in control, because he can make things up as he goes along.

Every time it gets a little easier for me, something happens and I get more frustrated. I want this vicious cycle to end.

I wish there was an end in sight.

The universe is trying to tell me something

2006-09-29T13:45:00.000-04:00

Lucian's sick again. It's a nasty cold this time. He spent the first day of the funeral with my god-daughter, who also has a cold. The awake time wouldn't be so bad if he'd sleep well at nap and bedtime.

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but tonight was supposed to be our first swimming class. I wanted to sign Lucian up but I'm a little afraid of the water myself, so I thought it would be perfect if Nemo could get in the water with him. Up until today, Nemo has sounded excited about it.

This morning, I decided that the swimming class was out for tonight. I was disappointed since it's the first class and all. But I wouldn't want someone bringing their sick kid to class. So I e-mailed Nemo and told him that we weren't going.

An hour later, he called me. He is sick too. He's got some infection that is resistant to antibiotics that shows itself with boils and pus. Nice. Just what I want my almost two year old exposed to. Even if Lucian weren't sick, he'd have backed out. (I got my bathing suit out a few days ago in anticipation that Nemo wouldn't be joining us - I just had this feeling.)

(Sidetrack: wondering what to do about Nemo's illness and how to keep Lucian away from him. Nemo's going back to the doctor, so maybe I shouldn't worry too much. But I probably will anyway. And Nemo said that his sores started yesterday, around the same time he was getting directions to the pool from me. Why didn't he mention anything then?)

Back to the first story. So then, an hour after Nemo's call, I received another phone call. The parks and rec dept was calling to say that the instructor is sick and we'll start next week.

Three separate reasons for not going to the swim class. That's enough of a sign for me.

Milestones

2006-09-28T22:08:00.000-04:00

Lucian has reached two verbal milestones in the past week.

First, he said his first sentence: Gigi, play. (Gigi is grandma, my mother) My Mom was so thrilled that she obeyed his command and ran into the next room to play with his trains.

Second, he said his first two syllable word without a repeat (like Gigi or Mama): birthday. It sounds more like bood-day because he hasn't mastered r's or th's yet.

This has been a hard week out of a long year for me. I'm dragged down by other things, most that I'm too sad and depressed about to write about. (because it might bring me down further) So I'm glad that I have something cheerful about which to write.

My son is a joy. Soon he'll be discovering his world in brand new ways, and he'll be able to speak about it.

That's definitely worth writing about.

Funeral

2006-09-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

I've been emotionally fragile this past week, and haven't had the energy to sit down at the computer for long. I apologize if this post seems choppy.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. My grandma is in a better place now, and her death was a celebration because she is now at peace. It's still hard, don't get me wrong, but it does make it easier knowing that she's no longer suffering.

My other three grandparents all died 12-15 years ago, so it's been awhile since I'd experienced a death in the family. I'm also older and at a different place in my life. Even though I wasn't as close to this particular grandparent, her death affected me in a way that the others hadn't.

Her death was like a birth, everyone gathered around her bed, transitioning her from one world to the next. I am so grateful that I was able to say good-bye and witness some of her last moments here on earth. It really was beautiful.

The funeral was two days - one for viewing, the other for the actual service. Arista and her husband took Lucian the first day, and Nemo's mother watched Lucian the second. I was a little worried about how the second day was going to turn out, but in the end, Lucian was fine, Nemo's mother enjoyed having him, I had a free babysitter, and I feel a little stronger about leaving Lucian with Nemo's family.

During the two days, I was able to spend time with cousins that I hadn't seen in a long time. Friends and family came from great distances to be there for my family, and that's a wonderful feeling.

My family is Catholic, but my grandma didn't want a Catholic mass. We had a service at the funeral home, with a family friend officiating. It was intimate and touching. The most meaningful part for me was this book. (the verse is here) I'm going to purchase a copy for the future.

There was a bagpipe player at the grave site. They released a dove as a symbol of hope.

I learned something this past week: my grandmother wasn't a daily player in any of our lives. I said it a few weeks ago that she was missing out. As she laid on her deathbed, it was her biggest regret.

The message I took from it is that I want to make a difference in someone's life. Even my own.

Grandma

2006-09-23T08:50:00.000-04:00

My grandma died yesterday afternoon.

I'll be gone for a few days - be back next week once the funeral is over.

Thanks to everyone for thoughts, prayers and kind comments.

Maybe today... maybe not

2006-09-22T13:39:00.000-04:00

My grandmother is still fighting for her life. She is heavily dosed with morphine, has not eaten in days, has no kidney output, is struggling for breath, but she is still alive. To everyone's surprise.

There's been a lot of family drama in addition to the stress of her dying. I can't go into it, because it doesn't directly involve me. Suffice it to say, it's not helping matters that her death is dragging out. It's been emotional and painful for everyone involved. Six children camped out at the hospital for four nights 24/7 does not equal peace and harmony.

Two days ago, I said that I'd be surprised if she lasted another twenty-four hours. I guess I'll keep saying it until her time comes. The nurses have been saying for three days - it shouldn't be long now. So no one wants to leave her side thinking the moment could come at any time, and everyone wants to be there.

She's slipped so much that she's not aware of our presence anyway.

It's been hard to get on with other tasks of daily living. You just can't put the rest of your life on hold. Especially with a toddler running around.

Nemo has been gracious and understanding. Did I just say that??? He has surprised me a few times in the past week and I have to say that it's been a good thing. I still don't trust him, but I'm glad that he's making a small effort.

Lucian has decided that his afternoon nap is not always necessary. It's the one time of day where I can accomplish a few things, so I hope this is only temporary. He's utterly exhausted and desperately needs that nap. I desperately need his nap! Especially this week.

I've also been riding the blood sugar rollercoaster the past few days. I mistakenly skipped a dinner bolus (that of course was pizza, which is the worst) and I was high, then low, high, low, etc. I need to calm down because I know my problem is over-correction. Last night I woke up low and ate chocolate til I felt better. I hate when I do that, but my good sense is gone until my blood sugar rises again. I even bolused a bit when I regained my senses and realized how much I had eaten, but afraid of another low, I was conservative. So I woke up high again. I really need to get off this ride.

I'm going to try and relax now. Today might be the day for my grandmother. I'll need to be strong for my mother and all I'm feeling is tired and wiped out.

Saying good-bye

2006-09-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

This morning I went to the hospital to say good-bye to my grandmother. It's the kind of thing that you know you need to do, are happy that you did it, but it's hard to go.

My Mom and her brothers and sisters were all there. They've been taking turns staying the night. They've been crying, laughing and reminiscing. It's heartwarming to see them. (and I recognized how sad I am that Lucian quite possibly won't have a brother or sister, but that's a topic for another day.)

Lucian, my Dad, and I went in to see my grandma. I don't have a babysitter, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to bring Lucian in, but there wasn't a problem.

GM looked like a ghost of her former self. She recognized us, but couldn't maintain alertness. I kissed her on the cheek and prayed that she finds her way home.

There is a certain surrealness when death is imminent. I can't explain the transition, except to say that she is neither dead nor alive. There's been talk of the funeral, with GM still breathing in the next room. But how can you not plan for something that is mere hours ahead of you?

It was almost how I felt during the final days of my pregnancy. My baby wasn't here, nor not here. Floating in between both universes. Except of course, that bringing someone into the world is a happy time, and when they leave, it's not.

Circle of life

2006-09-19T19:44:00.000-04:00

At the hospital where both Lucian and I were born, my grandmother will draw her final breath in the next few days. The same hospital where I received my diabetes diagnosis, our infertility diagnosis, and where Lucian was conceived. Life and death, and everything in between all in one building.

My grandmother's kidneys are failing. In addition to the breast cancer that metathesized in her liver, it has now spread to her bones. Her body is shutting down. There is nothing that medical science can do for her now, besides make her more comfortable in her final days.

For her sake, I pray that my grandmother's suffering comes to an end soon.

Peace offering

2006-09-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

Lucian and I went to Nemo's workplace today and went out to lunch with him. It was undramatic, and dare I say bland? I drove home feeling that it had been a positive experience.

Months ago, I had made the decision that I wasn't going to supply Nemo or his family with any more photos of Lucian. They were always begging me for photos. I felt like - they own a camera, have access to stores that do photo processing, and a lot more funds that I have, why can't they take their own photos? Or offer to split the cost of a photo session? I know that I was being angry, petty, and cheap by cutting off the photos. But it also drove my point home to them.

Somewhere along the way, I've realized that I'm never going to get the apologies I want and deserve. They're never going to say what I want to hear. I'm working towards forgiveness (but certainly not forgetfulness). So today in a gesture of forgiveness, I brought Nemo and his dad each a photo: Nemo one for his desk, his dad one for their house.

The picture I selected was a really good one. I'm no professional, but I love to take pictures, look at pictures, get them developed. I love the whole process. I'm nostalgic enough that I realize that you have to take the photographs to have something to look back upon later.

I've probably taken over 10,000 photos of Lucian since his birth. A lot of them he's not even looking at the camera. But I've also gotten a few good ones along the way. One of which was the one I selected for Nemo and his parents.

Nemo's dad pulled the photo out of the envelope like I had given him an explosive and by pulling it out slowly he'd be able to react before the bomb went off. Then, to my amazement, he was amazed. He must have stared at the photo for a full five minutes. It was almost awkward how he was staring at the photo. He was full of questions, he wanted to know where I took it (my parents' front porch) and the camera I used (mine, that I finagled out of the divorce).

He never actually thanked me, because I'm sure that would blow his big scary guy cover. I knew that he liked it though and was impressed by it.

Other than that, nothing actually happened. And that's just fine with me.

Know me, know my blog

2006-09-16T21:47:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had dinner with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a few months.

She asked me how things were going with Nemo, and I filled her in, giving her just the quick edited version (because I'm really working at lowering the drama in my life, and not devoting whole evenings to talking about the craziness that surrounds me).

Anyway, at one point she turned to me and said - Stella, your life is better than a soap opera!

I looked at her quizzically, trying to read her comment to see if she was somehow aware of my blog. She wasn't.

I just laughed and replied with a twinkle in my eye - ain't that the truth!

Odds and ends

2006-09-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now, so I'm going to try and give updates on a few topics.

1. Nemo
Nemo continues to surprise me. I can never seem to figure out what comes next with him. Last week, he missed a parenting time night, and then I didn't hear from him all weekend. Then on Monday, he ended up meeting my Mom, Lucian and I for dinner with the #1 engine. He didn't give me notice that he was coming, but I had previously invited him. We had a nice evening, and later e-mailed me to tell me that he had fun, and he had missed my Mom. (!!!???) He sees my Mom every time we drop Lucian off, and never even greets her.

Then, just this morning, I get an e-mail from Nemo giving me his 24 hour parenting time notice, and he tells me - by the way, you looked nice in that shirt you were wearing last night. Um, was that a compliment? He repulses me so much that it creeps me out. He's probably just trying to set me on edge.

I also found out that he gave his ex-gf (not Elvira) the ability to see some photos on-line that I had taken of Lucian at our train dinner. I removed them, because I don't like knowing that the shady people he hangs out with are looking at photos of my kid. I'm sure it's an over-reaction on my part. If he had asked me, I probably would have just said yes. If anyone knows of a good photo sharing web based program that you can limit people's rights, I'd love to know about it.

2. My grandma
I went with my Mom to visit GM this morning. She doesn't look good, and it's difficult to have a conversation with her, but my Mom said that she looked better than yesterday. They are running all sorts of tests on her to try and figure out what else is wrong with her in addition to the cancer. In my opinion, I think they should spend the time, money and effort just trying to make her comfortable because there's not really much they can do for her anyway.

3. The job hunt
I've started taking the job search a little more seriously. No luck yet, but I have sent a few resumes out. And right now, that's a big deal for me. I applied for a job that's so close to home that I could walk. It's literally at the end of my street. I think it would be a good opportunity, something I could feasibly do, good benefits, good hours, and did I mention that it's close to home? I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime I've been selling some stuff on eb*ay, which is helping me have some extra spending money.

4. Nemo's brother
A few weeks ago, I was disappointed that Nemo wasn't leaving the state. Well as luck would have it, his brother has been offered a job, and he will be leaving the state. This means lots of trips for Nemo's family to take! And even though I've lost respect for his brother, I'm happy for him too. It's a win-win for everyone!

5. Lucian goes to school
My sister is a teacher and I took Lucian to her classroom for a visit. The kids were so excited, and so was he. I was so proud of my sister - she was authoritative and kind, fun and stern. I enjoyed seeing her in action and seeing how the students reacted to her.

6. My insulin pump
I chose the Deltec Cozmo for a few reasons, one of them being I liked the clip and how it could be rotated like a cell phone. Then, my clip broke. They sent me a new one. That one broke too, and when I got the replacement, I got a leather case. It's nicer than the clip, but I don't like it. I liked the old plastic clip where I didn't have to open the case all the time. I've been dealing with the leather case for awhile now, but when I called to reorder more supplies, I asked them if I could get one of the old clips. They no longer have the old clips, so I ordered this one, which if you ask me, seems really similar to the old clip except this one costs $19.99.

I'm off for now to do some more job searching!

A letter to all my readers

2006-09-13T15:07:00.000-04:00

To my anonymous commenter that said:

self pity is not your friend.

I guess your mother didn't teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all. Or not to judge people.

You might have missed it, but this blog is all about me. Me, me, me and me! I've looked through my stats and I've seen that you've come back here quite a few times, you've even subscribed to my blog through bloglines. There must be a reason you're coming back, I wonder why though if you think I'm pitying myself. If you don't like what I have to say, no one's forcing you to return.

I won't feel bad about expressing my feelings honestly. In fact, I even think most of us deserve a little self pitying from time to time. Although my post wasn't about self pity. It was about how things in my life personally had changed in the last five years. I was naive to what my husband was capable of and now I'm not.

I'm not going to delete your comment. Even though you've successfully annoyed me, it's a good remember that not all people out there on the internet are thoughtful. You are why bloggers turn off anonymous comments.

AND

To all my other readers, anonymous and known, lurkers and commenters:

Thanks for reading. Thanks for all the kind words and support, even if it's silent.

I appreciate a good discussion and dialogue, and it's okay if you don't agree with me. I like hearing dissenting opinions and like learning from others. I like diversity and coming into contact with people who not only are similar but are different than I am. The personal attacks are what I don't like.

-Stella

Five years

2006-09-11T23:32:00.000-04:00

I can't say anything about September 11, 2001 that hasn't already been said by many others. At least, not anything eloquent, meaningful or profound. And it was such a defining moment for so many that I can't even begin to go there because I don't want to diminish what happened.

So what I'm going to write about is how September 11 changed me, personally.

I was at work that morning (at the job I would later lose partially because of the events of September 11). Someone called me into a conference room where we watched the breaking news. At first, I didn't even understand.

We saw the World Trade Center towers collapse. We all shrieked in horror. Twice.

The company sent us home at noon to be with our families. I drove home taking a particular notice to my surroundings. I felt like a child who had just found out that there was no Santa Claus. I realized how naive our old world was. I knew things would be changing, but I didn't understand what the particulars would be.

Today, as I've thought back about that day five years ago, amidst the terror, the tragedy, the sadness, and the loss, all I've been able to think about is this: On that fateful day, I still had something - my husband loved me.

Now, he does not.

Talk about being naive.

Lessons from my grandmother

2006-09-10T12:29:00.000-04:00

My grandmother is not doing well. She has cancer. It started in her breast, but has metastasized in her liver. About six months ago, she was given between six months and three years to live.

She's made six months, but I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to fight it.

I haven't been very close with my grandmother. That's not to say that I haven't wanted to be close. GM is not someone who has close relationships. It makes me sad because my other grandparents, who have been dead quite some time, were involved in my life. And this grandmother has had so many opportunities, and she's dying alone. I have tried to reach out to her, visited her, brought her meals, but it's very one sided.

GM has six children, fourteen grandchildren, and eleven great-grandchildren. I don't believe that she's even met all the great-grandchildren. It disappoints me tremendously, even more so after suffering from infertility. To have a big wonderful family and not be involved, well it saddens me. So many others would give anything to have a family like hers, and she's almost completely removed from it.

For so long, I removed myself from children and people with children. Infertility was incredibly painful that that's all I could do to save myself. I was bitter, and unpleasant to be around. It's scarred me, and still affects me, but I'm much more pleasant to be around after having Lucian in my life.

Now that I finally have a child of my own, I couldn't imagine not embracing him and his children. I don't want to miss a second of his life. My parents either. They also know what a blessing we've received in this child, that every moment counts.

GM is a nice lady. She causes no harm to others. She's not demanding or inconsiderate, she doesn't want to get in others' way. But at the same time, I've never seen her passionate about anyone or anything. She misses birthdays and skips weddings. She never asks questions about what's going on in your life.

But boy oh boy, is she missing out. And I think it's such a tragedy.

The godfather drama

2006-09-08T14:12:00.000-04:00

I consider myself spiritual, but not overly religious. I was raised Catholic, and while I'm not attending church every Sunday or necessarily agree with all the Catholic teachings (women priests, abortion, family planning, homosexuality, etc), Catholicism is so ingrained in me that it's still my organized religion of choice.

That being said, I wanted to have Lucian baptized. Nemo agreed, although I couldn't get him to commit to anything for months.

Nemo's parents, being of the all-talk-and-no-action sector of Catholicism, started pressuring Nemo to have Lucian baptized.

As an aside note, after Lucian was born and I was in my drugged up with magnesium bliss due to the pre-eclampsia, my Mom was so worried about the state of my marriage and what would become of Lucian (she saw him as being in the crossfire), that my Mom baptized Lucian herself. Technically a baptism can be done by anyone. Usually though, the only reason you wouldn't have it done a bit later is if the child is in physical danger. Later, the priest asked me if Lucian had been previously baptized (guess the Catholics don't want to accept you if you're already spoken for) and I said, yes, by my Mom at the hospital. I couldn't believe it, because the priest nearly turned me away. I explained the whole Nemo situation, and he relented.

So back to my original story. Nemo's parents pressure Nemo. Nemo pressures me. We couldn't agree to who should be Lucian's godfather. Nemo and I had an unspoken agreement that my sister would be the godmother. Nemo in return wanted his brother to be the godfather.

I had a huge issue with this, as Nemo's brother not only knew about Nemo's relationship with Elvira, but had supported it. Very openly. While I was home gestating, Nemo was cheating on me with the str*pper, and his brother was part of the party. (Because really, who is more fun? A huge pregnant woman or a str*ipper who supplies you with drugs?)

Nemo and I got into many screaming matches. He just couldn't understand why his brother wasn't good enough. I explained to him that I wanted Lucian's godfather to be someone Lucian could look up to, someone who could possibly help him through a spiritual crisis.

I don't particularly care for Nemo's brother - he's immature and sneaky. He hasn't spoken a word to me or looked me in the eye in over a year and a half now, since I confronted him about knowing Elvira. Why would I choose someone for my son to look up to who doesn't repect me?

I gave Nemo a few suggestions on men I would agree to. Nemo was set on the fact that it had to be someone from his family. So I gave him three choices, two of them his family members and one was Arista's husband. He agreed to his cousin's husband. Then I planned the baptism.

I thought the drama was over with until one day I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house. Nemo and his dad were at work. Nemo's mother, Cruella, was there alone. Apparently she had just learned about our godfather choice and she was mad that we hadn't chosen Nemo's brother. I explained that we thought that CH (cousin's husband) was the best choice.

She blew up at me. Got in my face and started screaming at me - how could I do this to her family? (uh, CH is part of your family) what is wrong with her son? he deserves to be the godfather, he's Lucian's uncle! he's Lucian's blood! (little did she know that none of them were blood) and on and on and on... This was in my pre-therapy days. I've since learned to stand up for myself and not let my mothering be undermined. That day, though, we had a fifteen minute screaming session that ended with me leaving in tears. Still, I couldn't back down.

It was so absurd. I've since taken note when I attend baptisms and find out who the godparents are. I've never seen any other grandparent have an issue with who the parents chose. It's still unbelievable to me that Cruella thought she was within her jurisdiction to dictate who we should choose.

As it turned out, CH has been a good choice. He wrote Lucian a beautiful note on his baptism day. He also gave generously and thoughtfully. He has taken an interest in Lucian's life, and makes an effort to give him little gifts. (not that I ever get them. Nemo keeps them all at his parents' house) But still, it's the thought that counts.

My sister couldn't make the baptism. She had had a vacation planned for months, and since I waited until Lucian was almost six months old to have him baptized, he was already the oldest baby and I didn't want to prolong it another month. Plus, I wanted to solidify the godfather choice.

My friend Arista stepped in as the proxy godmother. It was awesome because now Lucian has two godmothers, two very special women who care about him completely.

And one godfather, who wasn't my first choice, but fits the bill nicely.

Hopeful

2006-09-06T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling better today. I started taking the new medication this morning, and although the doctor told me it would start working immediately (not like the anti-depressants I take that take weeks and months), I was doubtful. But surprisingly, something in me feels different. In a good way.

And while I still realize that nothing has changed since yesterday, I feel hopeful. Not hopeful in that I'm expecting great things to happen. Just a switch from feeling hopeless and indifferent to maybe things could be better.

Optimistic.

Nemo came over to see Lucian again this morning. I hate myself for saying this, but I always was and still am a reactor to his moods. So when his mood is good, I'm good. When he stirs up trouble, I feel awful. I HATE that. And I'm trying to work on changing it.

We had a nice visit. Went for a walk and played with Lucian's toys. It's been good for me to watch their interaction. No drama, just a play date. I'm filled with relief.

There's a church sign I recently saw that said something like - blessings can't be received with a closed fist. It was one of those things that haunted me every time I'd drive by when I was clenching the steering wheel. Today I realized that through the miracle of prescription drugs, my hand was open. Ready to receive blessings.

Hopeful.

Battling obsessions

2006-09-05T14:45:00.000-04:00

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half. In January, I added a psychiatrist to the mix when I just couldn't handle things on my own anymore. Since then, I've been on medication for both depression and anxiety, which has helped me immensely.

In the past couple of months however, I've noticed some other things. I'm not sure if it's having a mental health team working with me that has brought these things to light, if I've just started developing symptoms, or maybe I'm just going crazy in my old age. One way or another, I seem to be alot more obsessive compulsive than I was previously.

My therapist (who I adore, by the way) thinks that my obsessive qualities stem from diabetes. Always having to be prepared, that kind of thing. My psychiatrist believes that obsessive compulsive traits are genetic. My feeling is that my life situation has triggered my obsessions, which maybe I was able to deal with easier before, when my life was a little less problem-free.

You wouldn't know by looking at me that anything was wrong. (and I'm probably generalizing or stereo-typing here) You wouldn't know I was a diabetic either, so there you go. I'm not at the end of the obsession spectrum, definitely more towards the middle. I do have routines and rituals but they're not obvious. For example, I'm not washing my hands hundreds of times a day. Now that's a big stereotype.

What I do is get something stuck in my head and can't let it go. And it's not usually of the good variety, like something positive. I get stuck on things like Nemo winning custody of Lucian, blowing it all out of proportion until I'm sick with anxiety. Mostly this happens to me at night.

I'm a very logical person. I live in the world of rationality. One of the hardest things for me is that I know alot of my feelings are irrational. I'm completely aware of it, yet I can't help being taken over by them at times.

Last week my therapist wanted to me to recognize that I'm being obsessive. To think about how different things would have been if I hadn't obsessed, just let life happen. Dare I even go there?

This week my psychiatrist agreed. She suggested I read some books, but forgot to give me suggestions. Anyone have any? We changed and added some medication. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it helps.

Because right now, I feel like I can't help myself.

Another post where I'm whining about my life

2006-09-04T19:39:00.000-04:00

My parents are gone many weekends. My Mom is an artist who sells her wares at local art fairs. My Dad helps her out. Although they return in the evening, they can be gone anywhere from twelve to sixteen hours a day during these particular weekends.

I need a break from my parents, so these weekends are refreshing in the fact that I have the whole house to myself and Lucian and I are just able to hang out by ourselves. (Let me just say here that my parents are both wonderful, tolerant people who rarely get on my nerves. And I believe that the reverse is also true - for the most part, they enjoy having me around.)

It's been a long, long weekend for me - I haven't left the house in many days due to Lucian's illness. He's feeling better, but he's (probably) still contagious, so I won't be taking him out for a few more days yet. So here I was today, home alone with Lucian. We played with what seemed like every toy in the house. We're both stir crazy after so many days cooped up in the house. We watched all his train videos for the 4,849,305th time.

The only break in my day was when Nemo stopped over. Because of the holiday, we negotiated a different time, so that I could get Lucian to bed early. And because of Lucian's illness, Nemo agreed to come over to see us. Basically the only difference was that he watched the train videos with us and we (Lucian and I both) showed him that we know the names of all the different trains. (Even the ones like Mavis and Diesel, who look alot alike. Go ahead, quiz me.) All in all, it was a pleasant visit.

Nemo left, and I put Lucian down for his nap. I've been carrying around loneliness since. I'm not sure what spurred it on. Maybe it's just a general feeling I've had lately. That I'm utterly alone in the universe. And I know that's not true - I have lots of friends and family around.

I'm not ready for the dating scene. I'm not ready to go through all the trouble of finding someone I'm compatible with. It sounds like a completely overwhelming task to me. And yet, I'm not sure what the alternative is. Be alone forever?

I'm just in a sad, lonely mood right now. I'm anxious and restless.

My parents will be home soon, so I'll have some adults to talk to.

I feel like I'm whining alot lately. I'm hoping to snap out of it soon. I'm visiting my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe she can help.

Acceptance

2006-09-02T14:23:00.000-04:00

My life consists of so many things that keep me occupied that I rarely sit down and think about being diabetic. I breeze through the day with blood tests, boluses of insulin, watching the clock, changing my site, getting a comfortable sleep position, trying not to let either of my cats catch a glimpse of my tubing, etc etc that most days I'm on auto-pilot. My diabetes runs itself.

Sometimes, I'll test my blood to find only a few minutes later to not have a clue what it was. A high I would have recognized and taken action. (or a low for that matter, but I'm pretty good about feeling those) If I'm in target, I see the number and forget it.

There are still days where things go haywire. I'm having a pretty good run right now of good days. When I have a high, it's usually because I didn't carb count correctly. I correct it, and move on. My basal rates seem to be working well, and I'm not having any severe lows or outrageous highs.

I remember a time when I thought of nothing else besides diabetes. I wasn't thinking of diabetes itself, or what kind of long term complications I could develop. Rather, I was so aware of being different. I was pretty open about telling friends and teachers, because I felt it was necessary should something happen to me. But at the same time, I realized that once I told people, it separated me. It made me into someone who was carrying a lot more baggage. People were always amazed that I was able to deal with the pressures of diabetes (all those shots!), school (I was an honor roll student), and life in general. I just figured what choice was there? Not take the shots? But I always felt different than everyone else. High school and college were hard - I was a self imposed nerd due to the inflexibility I felt I had. (those were the days before the DCCT and MDI even.)

When I started using the pump, I got my life back. It sounds crazy for me to even say it, because how much changed? Mostly it was just my attitude. I got to a place in my life where I was able to accept my diabetes wholeheartedly. I've been able to shrink it down to a manageable level, and I'm better because of it.

I'm not without scars though. Diabetes has altered my life's course. I like to think that it's mostly for the good, but I know better.

I've climbed up the mountain rather than going around it. And it only took me two decades! Either way, I got through it.

Some things never change

2006-09-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

Since Lucian's been sick, Nemo has called me several times over the past couple of days to inquire on how he's doing. He has seemed very concerned. Yesterday Nemo said that if Lucian wasn't better (and this illness has a pretty long tail for contagiousness) that he would like to come over and see Lucian at my parents' house.

Nemo has been showing more interest in Lucian lately. I've complained about it before. I still don't understand why now. I'm trying not to over analyze it, because it's driving me crazy. I mostly think that Nemo has had to have some accountability to his parents, and that's his motivator.

Anyway, back to the current events. Today Lucian was feeling slightly better. He's at the stage of the illness where you're not completely better but you don't want to lay around either. So he was extremely fussy, not eating well, and just generally not the most charming of children today. (We watched train videos all. day. long.)

I e-mailed Nemo and to confirm with him to come over because Lucian wasn't up to going over to see him. I didn't hear back from him until almost dinner time, when he called and said he was still at work. He said that he had to stay until 6:30 (he usually leaves at 4:30) and what time was Lucian going to bed? He knows that we have a routine, that I get Lucian to bed at 7:00 nearly every night. And still he asks.

I'm trying hard to make Nemo insignificant in my life because I give him too much of my power. I generally plan my day around the fact if we have a visit or not. It's stupid, I know. It makes me feel like if I'm prepared for the situation that I'm in more control over it. I feel so out of control. I'm not sure that my preparedness really helps. (hello my old friend - the link between diabetes and preparedness) I know that my obsessing doesn't help, and I haven't been able to stop that either.

What I believe happened was that Nemo saw an easy way out. A way for him to have a night off from babysitting Lucian and having dinner with his parents.

I'm so confused and unfocused on the situation that I can't seem to understand it. It baffles me.

I guess the bottom line is that I didn't have to see Nemo today. Lucian got to bed early (6:30! because he was a mess tonight) and I got a few extra hours to myself. Whatever am I complaining about?

I'm going to go to bed and try and forget about this. I can't seem to get a good grasp on it awake. Maybe my subconscious can work it out.

Sick again

2006-08-31T13:05:00.000-04:00

Lucian is sick again. Or should I say sick still, since he had a cold last week?

Last night I dropped him off at Nemo's parents' house. On the way over, he was quietly reading his Thomas the tank engine brochure that he likes to study in the car. He was so quiet, I thought maybe he had fallen asleep. Usually he reads and points at things - car! bus! trees! When we dropped him off, he was fine.

My Mom and I went shopping. An hour into it (and before we got to eat dinner I might add), I received a call from Nemo saying that Lucian was screaming his head off. They couldn't get him to eat or stop crying. I said I'd be right there, and we went and picked him up.

We were able to get him to stop crying, but he wasn't himself. We ended up taking him to the after hours clinic at the hospital. We had an amazing doctor who was incredibly patient with Lucian. He told us that Lucian has hand, foot and mouth disease. (I thought it sounded like something that horses get so I looked it up and that's called hoof and mouth disease)

Although it sounds worse, it's just a virus and he should be back to normal in a few days.

I was very happy with the way that Nemo and his parents handled the problem. I'm glad they called and deferred everything to me. It was a good lesson for them too - normally they see only the best side of Lucian, when he's happy, clean, well, and rested.

It gives me a bit of hope for the future. What a strange package it came in.

My response

2006-08-29T13:11:00.000-04:00

After the e-mail from Nemo yesterday, and hours of deliberation including debating it from all angles with my Mom and sleeping on it (which always seems to give me a better perspective), I decided to e-mail Nemo back.

What I really wanted to do was yell and scream - #%*@ you!! I'm usually such a calm, rational, in control at all costs type of person. I've had way more than I can handle of him.

Nemo does whatever he wants, whatever suits him in the moment. He thinks about no one besides himself. Ever. So after treating me the way he did, he has no problem coming to me and continuously asking for more. Like he deserves more. Because he's so very sorry. And can't I just get over it?

I decided that the best way to handle Nemo is to yes yes him and blow him off like I don't really care about any of it. Like I'm too busy and didn't just spend the last 24 hours trying to decide what I should say, so my words aren't engraved in an e-mail for years to come and haunt me. I decided that one sentence would be best.

This is what I said:

Lucian can call you whatever you'd like him to call you.

To which he responded:

Thank you!!

Oh what a happy day it is when Nemo is happy. Ha. I won't be calling Nemo daddy for a long time to come, if ever. But he doesn't need to know that. I won't be referring to him as Lucian's father. In all the years I was married to Nemo, I never addressed either of his parents by any name. I asked Nemo to ask them what they wanted to be called, and he never would. So I figure I'll just continue doing with Nemo what I've already been doing with his parents.

For the moment, the drama has passed yet again. Tomorrow, who knows? I'm just trying to take one day at a time.

E-mail from Nemo

2006-08-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

I know I'm going to take some heat from saying this, because if I was not in my current situation, I'd probably feel the same way. I really want Nemo out of mine and Lucian's life. This is not news to anyone that has followed my blog.

Nemo has turned into a bad influence that I don't want my son to be around. He's treated me awful, and Lucian too. Lucian just doesn't remember. And I really don't think that Nemo has turned his life around in a positive way. He is showing more interest in Lucian lately. Which I guess would be a good thing for most dads to show, however, I believe that he's setting Lucian up for a fall.

Today I received the following e-mail from Nemo:

I have a question. Do you plan on not letting Lucian call me dad? I feel I am his father and it would be nice not to have you or your family undermine that. I know you will tell him i am not biologically his dad but in all other aspects i will be! I love him and only wan the best for him. i know i hurt you and you feel betrayed! i can not go back and change things. i can only make a difference in the future. if i could i would go back and make things different! I am sorry!!

On Friday when my Mom and I picked Lucian up, my Mom told Lucian to say good-bye to Nemo. She didn't say - say good-bye to your dad. Obviously, Nemo noticed.

I wish that Nemo actually meant those things that he said in the e-mail. But he lies all the time. What this e-mail boils down to is that he wants to look the part for his family. I'm sure what happened was that Nemo's dad noticed that my mom didn't call Nemo dad, and said something to Nemo. (could you follow that?)

I feel torn. I still can't call Nemo Lucian's father. For so many reasons. None of them have to do with the fact that Nemo isn't Lucian's biological father. They are not even because Nemo treated me badly. It's because he's treated Lucian badly. I mean, what kind of father chooses to leave his newborn son the first night he's home from the hospital for a str*ipper? What kind of father disappears for ten days when his son is only a month old? (at that point that was a third of his life that he missed) What kind of father doesn't greet the child when he arrives home? What kind of father won't stop smoking in the car for his child? What kind of father has to be pressured by his parents just to spend time with his son? Really.

I've wrestled with this before, and never came to any conclusion. I knew that sooner or later Nemo would notice that I've never called him anything in reference to being a dad. I still don't feel that those words can leave my mouth.

I don't know how I'm going to respond to this e-mail. If you have any thoughts, please comment. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of - I'm going to let Lucian choose what to call you, you big jerk! Maybe I'll leave out the big jerk part.

In the long run, I realize that I'm holding onto this and the only person that's it's bothering is me. Nemo is Lucian's legal father and there's nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes I really hate the circumstances I'm in.

My future: (insert something here)

2006-08-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote about Nemo's job prospect. Today I'm writing about mine.

I don't want to work and I'm putting off finding a job. I'm not normally a lazy person (and I'm certainly not lounging around all day - I'm chasing a 21 month old) but I can't seem to find it in me to take the job search seriously.

I know that I need a job. Not only do I need more of an income than my child support provides, I need the health insurance. And I need good health insurance. Damn this diabetes of mine.

When I was in college, I knew all this. Even so, I was flighty when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. I was a good student in high school, but by the time I got to college, I was burned out. I started off being pre-med but after a semester I decided I didn't have it in me to pursue being a doctor. (Strangely enough, over the years, I have educated more doctors than they have educated me.)

I changed my major to business and pretty much floated my way through the rest of my college experience. I envisioned myself working a 9-5 type job that paid well, that would give me good health insurance, and nights and weekends off. What I didn't realize is that having a business degree does not equal obtaining a business job. (like generally how a teaching degree = teacher, a law degree = lawyer, a biophysicist degree = biophysicist, etc) After college, I had no idea what to do with myself. Even less of an idea than I did four years before.

I've had jobs in the meantime. Some more interesting, more demanding, more or less money (mostly less). But none of them have been a life calling. None of them opened me to other opportunities. None of them inspired me. In fact, they did the opposite. When I was laid off from my last job, I pretty much buried my head in the sand. I was on the baby quest too, but that was only part of it. I was afraid. Just as I am now.

Here I am over ten years out of college, with no goals. And call me depressed (because clinically, I am) but for the life of me, I don't even care. I have no idea what to do with my life. All I really want to do is be a 1950's housewife and stay home with my son. That's what inspires me. Nice goal, huh?

I haven't yet heard about that job I interviewed for. They're not making any decisions until next month. To be honest, I'm not all that excited about it, for the main reason that I fear I'd miss out on too much of Lucian's life because of the hours. And for the slightly smaller but still substantial reason that I really don't want to be a receptionist, even if it wasn't a permanent thing.

I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm pretty frustrated. And indifferent. And scared, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and filled with dread. Pretty much the same feelings I've had for a long time now. Only now, I need to do something. Anything.

The new job that wasn't

2006-08-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, Nemo let me know that he couldn't take advantage of his parenting time because he was going to an interview that was out of town. I get so excited that I don't really care what his excuse is, if we get a day to ourselves. But I always follow up on whatever the excuse du jour is. This has provided me with great entertainment because I know that his excuses are usually lies. And as time goes on and he's used up all the easy excuses (traffic, weather, etc) his lies have gotten more substantial.

When I followed up on his interview, he told me that the job was an hour away from my brother in the big city. He seemed to have quite a few details, so either it was the truth (always a possibility I guess) or he had given the lie some thought.

For awhile I got down on my knees and begged God for Nemo to get the job. I wished, I hoped, I bargained. I thought it would be a wonderful solution to the headache that is my parenting time problem.

As it turned out, Nemo got the job. But he decided not to take it. Apparently they were willing to pay good money (which obviously he needs) and moving costs. He told me that he didn't take it because he didn't want to leave Lucian. I may have bought that as an excuse if he was acting like a real father to Lucian. Lucian has never, ever been a priority for Nemo. Not once. So why now?

Maybe parts of story were true (the interview part? the location of the company?) but I still think it was a lie. What purpose it served, I'm not quite sure. He's big on talk and little on action, so maybe it was all to con me. Maybe he had the interview but didn't get the job. Maybe he got the job but decided not to take it because his dad offered him more money to support his drug habit. Maybe he couldn't leave his legion of ex-girlfriends and str*ippers.

All I know is that I am disappointed that he isn't leaving the state.

Dinner

2006-08-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

Last night, Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner. It's part of my let's see how Nemo and Lucian interact with each other plan. At this point, I still don't feel that Nemo has earned any trust from me. But the only way for that to happen is to see them together. And although he doesn't have my trust, I did witness Nemo being tender with Lucian, and even that was a positive step.

Lucian (aka Mr No Nap) made the whole affair a bit more difficult, but all in all, we had an okay time. Because, really, how great of a time can you have with your ex-husband who you despise, who lies every chance he gets, sleeps with any willing female, and looks and smells awful?

Back to the story: We met at a local fast food restaurant. You know, the one with the kid's meals and choking hazard toys because they never have the toddler toys? Anyway, we placed our order and when the girl told us the amount, Nemo said - I've got it. He gets his wallet out, reaches into the bill section and realizes that he doesn't have enough money. So he pulls out his debit card and hands it to the girl.

Seconds go by, I'm holding Lucian who wants to be put down but I can't let him run, so he's starting to freak out. The girl then says - your card was denied.

Why I was shocked, I'll never know. (Last summer, when it was our account, I was denied an $11 purchase at the grocery store. We used to receive overdraft notices in the mail daily. I'm not sure how Nemo ever paid all those fees back, we had so many.) I think I was surprised because I thought that even though Nemo is paying me child support, I thought that Elvira and his dad (and possibly others) were helping him out financially. Maybe it's always a shock to find out someone is dead broke. Later I would feel sad at how pathetic he is, and self-doubt as to if I should have bought this jerk dinner. But at the moment all I felt is surprise.

I paid for dinner. I opened my wallet, glanced at my credit cards that I've been able to keep. I thought of my good fortune of not having my credit ruined by this man. I reached into the bill section and slickly pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the girl.

Nemo was embarrassed and said things like - my paycheck must not have cleared, and - I'll pay you back on Friday.

I told him not to worry. I might not have a house of my own or a car of my own, but I can afford a hamburger for my son.

We ate our meal while I basked in the joy that is having (a small bit of) your life in control.

Swimming

2006-08-22T14:08:00.001-04:00

I've picked up a nasty cold. Lucian has too. So we're both crabby today. We had plans to go swimming at a friend's pool, but I had to cancel because I didn't want her baby to get sick because of us. I was really looking forward to it too.

I recently purchased my first bathing suit in probably five years. I'm extremely modest, and a bit on the heavy side (especially around my middle) which is why I've been avoiding pools, beaches, and summer activities in general for a long time. (I'm also afraid of the water so that doesn't help either.)

Two years ago I got my current pump, the Cozmo. The main reason I chose it was because it was waterproof. How much sense does that make?

Anyway, I found this great bathing suit at lands end. I was hesitant about ordering it because I'm not one to buy clothing without trying it on. I'm so un-proportionate now that I can't take anything for granted.

Amazingly, this bathing suit was designed for my body. The best thing about it, is that it has a little pocket inside and my pump fits in perfectly! I can now go swimming and wear my pump the whole time and there's no way it will come out of the pocket. Plus, it covers up all the body parts I want covered.

Swimming doesn't get any better than that.

Home

2006-08-21T13:31:00.000-04:00

I'm back from my brother's wedding. All in all, the wedding was a success. My brother is happily married and is now on his way to Hawaii with his new wife.

The wedding was emotionally very difficult for me. For many reasons. The first was that Lucian being unwelcome offended me. Not to the wedding itself, because I understand that many people want adults-only parties. (although it would have been nice since we were travelling 500 miles to attend, and Lucian is his only nephew.) What bothered me was that Lucian was not invited to the photos beforehand. If you feel I'm over-reacting, please don't tell me, I can't hear it now. I would have really liked a family photo with my son included. (they did, however, include my sister's boyfriend. I'm not knocking him in any way because I like him a lot and think he's awesome for her. I just think that they could have included their nephew in the photos too.)

Second, I often felt like the third wheel. Like the person who's in the way. I was the oldest bridesmaid, the only non-sorority girl, and also the heaviest. The only previously married, old lady of the bunch. I was a fish out of water.

Third, my brother lives downtown. He's a big city guy now. I love my brother, but he makes me feel like I'm one of his relatives from some po-dunk town. (The rest of my family lives here too, but I won't speak for them, only myself) The fact is, I live in a thriving suburban area. There is nothing his city has that I don't have here. I don't do well in big cities. I feel claustrophobic. I hate taxis - they make me nervous. I would rather walk than take a taxi. I like being in control of my destination. I like being able to drive across town and not have to pay someone $20 to get there. I was given wrong addresses twice, that didn't help me feel calmer either.

Lastly, this weekend made me realize just how far apart my brother and I are. And not just in our locations. They had two maids of honor and two best men, and all four of them gave toasts. Each one explained what great people my brother and his new wife are, and what a perfect couple they are, yada yada yada... typical wedding toast stuff really. But I realized that I knew nothing about them as a couple. That I basically have very little relationship with them at all. It makes me sad because that's not how I want it. But as I learned with Nemo, there's only so much you can want someone in your life before you just have to let it go.

I take Ativan for anxiety. I took more pills this weekend than I have in the last three months at home. I had a difficult time sleeping. I felt uptight and out of place the entire time. Several times I had to leave the room and regroup myself.

Before I make it sound like it was all horrible, there were good moments too. We took Lucian to a train store and loaded him up with lots of new trains. It was Lucian's first road trip and he did wonderfully. I took Lucian in the hotel pool and he loved it. He cried when we left. It was nice to get away for the weekend, even in spite of all the stress. My aunt and uncle from out of state came and it was wonderful to see them too.

I'm just so relieved to be home.

I can't believe a word he says

2006-08-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted. I really have no time to blog, but I couldn't stay away. So I'm going to try and make this short and sweet, as I have to get up early tomorrow morning for our big trip.

Tonight was the night that Lucian and I met Nemo at the zoo for the concert. All in all, it was a very positive experience. There ended up being a group of about fifteen of us. I think Lucian was scared of the crowd. But once it thinned out a bit towards the end, he danced his heart out.

Nemo spent some time talking to me. He expressed sadness about my friend going through the divorce. He even told Arista's husband that he would do it a lot differently if given another chance (however, he had about 100 chances and blew them all).

Arista pulled me aside before we left. She said - it seems like Nemo is acting human and making an effort. We discussed whether or not it was all for show, but still were happy of the outcome either way.

Then something happened that soured my whole evening.

I decided to use the bathroom before we left. At the same time, Nemo took Lucian in search of something for Nemo to drink. Afterward, I met him where he had already rejoined the others. He was drinking a bottled water, and I asked him - oh so you did find a vending machine? Which he then says to me - no, I ran into ex-girlfriend who gave it to me.

What a coincidence! He must think that I am dumber than I look. However, I found out about his sleazing around with her in a sneaky way, so I can't come out and admit I know anything.

Nemo claimed that he didn't know she was coming. And oddly enough, he left his phone in the car, so if they had planned to meet, they must not have been specific, since I was the one who chose our concert viewing location.

Arista, who already knew about ex-girlfriend, said to me - just when I was thinking things were going well. She has now experienced the same feeling I used to get when things Nemo did just didn't add up right.

The thing is, I don't really care who he is with these days. I mean, I care for Lucian's sake, but what really irks me is the lying. And it scares me just how much I used to believe.

I can't let my guard down for a minute with him.

See you next week...

Busy week

2006-08-14T14:56:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a very busy week for me. So if I don't post at all, it's because I just don't have the time.

My brother is getting married this weekend, out of town. I'm freaking out right now how to incorporate all of Lucian's stuff and schedule into their busy (child-free) itinerary. I haven't taken Lucian farther than a short day trip, so it will be interesting.

My Mom's birthday is this week and we're trying to fit in some time to celebrate that also.

My Dad is on vacation, which means that things are getting done around here. He keeps himself so busy that I feel guilty for relaxing. That will have to wait until next week when he goes back to work.

I'm also trying something new with Nemo this week. On one of his nights, we are going to meet at the zoo because they stay open late and have concerts. It was something I had wanted to do, and he seemed pretty excited about it too. Arista and her family are going to go, so that should cut the tension a little.

I'm hoping to be able to blog this week. I enjoy getting my feelings out there so much that I'm going to try hard to fit it in. But just in case I can't find time - see you next week!

A better place

2006-08-12T13:06:00.000-04:00

I complain about Nemo a lot (because there's a lot to complain about) but really things have gotten better. A little better anyway.

It was incredibly awkward during the transition time after I had filed for the divorce, but before I had moved out. Nemo was unpredictable and frightening. I felt like he was a loose cannon waiting to go off. A couple of times, he did.

The first time was in the spring. I was reading four month old Lucian a story, when Nemo came home. During this time, Nemo would come home from work on random nights, and never even greet or pay attention to Lucian. Ever.

Anyway, this particular night, he came home and was mad at me. (usually he was just indifferent towards me, like he didn't know who I was at all.) He was upset because I had told my attorney everything, and given her a list of our assets, including his profit sharing account that I had said I wouldn't go after. (and as an aside, I didn't want to go after it. But after he had spent all the equity out of our home, he left me no choice.)

I explained this to him. But he was still mad. He got even more upset. I asked him to please keep his voice down, that he was going to scare Lucian. Nemo walked out of the room and started screaming obscenities at me from another room. Mean and cruel things that I can't even repeat. Even though Lucian was too young to understand, I pledged then that I would never have him in that kind of environment again. No child should have to hear horrible things about their mother.

After that, I avoided Nemo as much as possible. Then, he stole my journal. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. I voiced this to my attorney, but she thought it was in my best interest to stay in the house, as it gave me more leverage.

So even though I'm constantly complaining about him, it's gotten better. I live somewhere where he doesn't show up randomly. He doesn't call and harass me anymore. We have very little to talk about. We're not really fighting about anything anymore.

Just knowing that Lucian and I are safe from the screaming, obscenities and drama makes it all the better. I'll tell you about the second time he went off on me another time.

What a surprise! Nemo's cheating on the str*ipper

2006-08-11T13:34:00.000-04:00

Just when I've started to make some peace with my situation, I find out things that I don't want to know.

I found out last night, that in addition to Elvira, Nemo is in deep contact with an ex-girlfriend. I knew of her existence all through my marriage, because from time to time, Nemo would tell me an update about her. I always felt he was honest, and I'd guess that he spoke with her about 3-4 times a year.

This ex-girlfriend was a high school girlfriend. She's married, and has a child. I believe that she is living with her husband at her mother's house. The mother has never liked Nemo.

Anyway, last night I found out that he has been "sneaking into her house" because her husband works nights. Apparently, he's going to be working the day shift for two weeks, and she's not happy about it. Ex-gf told Nemo that she hadn't called him the day before because she knew that he was with "the ball and chain" (not me! hooray!) Nemo told ex-gf that he loved her, repeatedly.

The whole thing makes me ill. I know that I was looking for this information, it didn't come find me, so what do I expect? Still, I guess in my naivete, I thought that he was happily settled with the str*ipper. It still upsets me to think he's out prowling around. Not for me, but for Lucian.

I've thought of all the things I could do: contact Elvira, contact ex-gf's husband, etc etc. I'm not that person who does that stuff though. Which leaves me with dealing with it on my own. I wish I was someone who could pull off some mean revenge type stuff.

My Mom thinks that this is all great. Because now I have additional information on him. He has a new ball and chain. That it just reinforces that it was never about me, it's about him. Also, chances are, with his current lifestyle, he wouldn't want to have an overnight with Lucian.

Still, the feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away.

Divorce sucks

2006-08-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

Today I heard from a friend that she's going to be getting a divorce. Her husband told her that he wants out of the marriage, that he no longer loves her. She doesn't think that there's another woman in the picture. But I don't believe that.

Truth be told, myself and some others thought their marriage was heading towards divorce for awhile now. They've had some problems that have been obvious to others, although not so obvious to them, I guess.

My heart goes out to her. I recognize many of the feelings that she's experiencing. Her life as she knows it is ending.

Eighteen months ago, when I told her that I had filed for divorce, I also told her about Nemo having very little contact with Lucian. That he had no interest, and had told me that Lucian would be living with me. What she told me then was - but he's his father! Of course, you'll both be splitting time with Lucian. I remember being incredibly upset, thinking about my helpless two month old spending time with my helpless, drug using, str*ipper loving, evil, idiot husband. I couldn't bare it.

So today I asked her what she thought was going to happen to her three kids. She said - they'll be staying with me, and I doubt that he'll really want to spend any time with them, since he hardly sees them now. I didn't say anything, because I remember still how hurt her comment made me. But the fact is, once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain, he'll be interested in them too. And legally, he has every right.

I fought for Lucian, because I love him. Because I want what's best for him, for his safety, his emotional and physical well being. Nemo only fights when he thinks it will get him something in return, or to hurt me. And sadly, this is his legal right too.

Divorce really sucks. No one wins. Then again, infertility sucks, diabetes sucks, but somehow I've come out on the other side alive from all this stuff. I've made my peace with diabetes. I'm nearly successful with infertility, and I'm trying hard to find peace with the divorce.

I'm a symbol of hope for her. Hope that things do get better with time. Hope that the painfulness will subside. I still have a long way to go, and I'm thankful to be where I am now, rather than where I was even a year ago.

Even having hope, it still sucks.

But will I be able to blog at work?

2006-08-08T22:02:00.000-04:00

Today was my interview. It went surprisingly well. I was a bit nervous beforehand, but once I got there, I was fine.

The job is in the legal profession. They are actually looking for a receptionist, which I'm way overqualified to do. However, right now, I'm looking for some no-brainer type of work. (not to say that being a receptionist is the easiest thing to do, just not the most challenging for me in the long run.) The cool thing is that at some point in the future, they are looking for someone who could do more on the legal side, so the job could grow with me as my brain begins to function again. Then, they would look for a new receptionist.

I really liked both of the men I interviewed with. One went to the same college I did, and earned the same degree, although he was a year ahead of me. They seemed to respect family time a lot too, and that makes a big difference to me.

Here are the positives:
1. good health insurance (which I desperately need)
2. close proximity to home, and even closer to Nemo's parents' house
3. flexibility (they are actually looking for someone to work until 6:00. I told them that due to my current parenting time schedule, I would need to leave by 5:00 MWF, and they said that they could work around that.)
4. my friend already works there and likes it
5. I wouldn't have to go out and look for something else
6. they know that I'm a divorced, single mother with diabetes and they were cool with that

Here are the negatives:
1. I'd have to answer the phone, and do lots of secretarial work, which is not really my dream job
2. I'd have to work until 6:00 on TTh, which would mean that theoretically Nemo would be spending more awake hours with Lucian during the workweek than me.

Obviously, the positives outweigh the negatives. Except that the one negative involves Lucian, and that makes me sad. I always thought that I'd be able to stay home with him until he went to school, so it's hard for me to accept that I won't be doing that.

I probably won't know for a couple of weeks yet. But I'll keep you posted.

What I did about my dilemma

2006-08-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everyone that responded with comments about my dilemma.

I ended up doing what everyone suggested. I e-mailed him and said that because I hadn't heard from him, I had already made plans. (My plans were to get Lucian to bed on time, but he didn't need to know that.)

I wrestled with it for awhile, because even though Nemo doesn't deserve it, I'm really trying to work with him rather than against him.

Our parenting time agreement is MWF 5:30 - 8:00. So, Nemo needs to let me know by 5:30 the night before. It's been in effect over a year now. He has all day until 5:30 to call - you'd think that would be a relatively easy task.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he normally e-mails me in the morning from work. So he's better about the 24 notice then. But on Sundays, it's hit or miss. He never e-mails me on a Sunday, which I don't understand because it seems to me that it would be easier than having to talk to me (or my parents). My theory is that he's out late on Saturdays, and spends Sundays recuperating. I still think he's into drugs.

The strangest part might be his response. I was nervous, as I always am when I have to set boundaries with him. But he e-mailed me this morning and said that he was sorry that he called late, and "wished that it didn't have to be like this". I'm not sure what he meant. I mean, the reason we implemented the 24 hour notice was because of him! He just wasn't showing up for parenting time, and I'd have to sit around and wait for him. This was when I was still living in my old house.

I guess I'll never figure him out.

I felt really good about what I did. Especially hearing from you - it reinforced my decision. Thank you. Stay tuned for more dilemmas of mine... I've got many more!

What would you do if you were me?

2006-08-06T22:44:00.000-04:00

I have a difficult time making decisions. I can't seem to make choices - I always worry that I'll make the wrong one.

So, dear readers, I want to ask you what you would have done if you were in my situation.

Nemo has to give me 24 hours notice to take advantage of his parenting time. If he doesn't call, I don't have to honor his request.

Tonight, he called fifteen minutes late. I was not home, so he left a message.

This is not the first time this has happened. In the past, I have both said yes and no, depending on the circumstances. On the one hand, I'm trying to work with him. But on the other, I feel that if I don't set and keep some boundaries, he'll take advantage of me forever.

And really, 15 minutes! He had ALL day long to call or e-mail me. You'd think that if it were that important to him to see Lucian that he'd make it a priority.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. You can leave it anonymous if you'd like.

I'll let you know what I did afterward.

Successful day

2006-08-05T22:32:00.000-04:00

Today was the day of the party, the one I had the panic attack about. All my worrying was for nothing. It was a successful day.

I first took Lucian over to Arista's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys, then Arista, Lucian and I drove to the party.

Nemo met us in the driveway, as was my request. He had to borrow my sippy cup, because even though I had reminded him, he had brought nothing for Lucian.

Arista and I went shopping. I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing, for less than $4. I also bought myself a cute top for $7. We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids.

Then we picked up Lucian. Nemo again met us in the driveway. Lucian's godfather (a cousin... I'll have to tell that particular story soon) and Nemo's aunt (not the one whose house it was) met us too. Nemo's aunt was so kind, she said that she wanted me to come over and see her, that she didn't care about everything that had happened, she just wanted to see me. She was one of the ones I really miss. I told her that Nemo's family had made everything so awkward. Lucian's godfather was equally wonderful. We talked for a few minutes, and then left.

Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap. He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath. But he arrived home in one piece, and seemingly unscarred.

So I have nothing to complain about today.

The fight

2006-08-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

Lots of things were inflicted on me and my marriage by Nemo while I was pregnant two years ago. I think that I've touched on most of them at this point. I've really tried to get some of this stuff out of my head and out onto the internet, but it has occurred to me that I've forgotten one significant incident.

It was an early morning in November, 2004. I was approximately thirty-six weeks pregnant. It was a few days after the voting incident and our anniversary, but before my meltdown.

I was up early. I had an appointment for an ultrasound and an NST at the hospital to check on the baby. At this point, Nemo had not been sleeping at home, and was only coming home after work for a couple of hours before he left again for the night.

So I was getting my coat on, waddling to the door, when the door opened and Nemo came in. I nearly jumped out of my skin. He looked like he had been run over by a truck. There were bruises on his face under his right eye and he couldn't move his arm.

I asked him what had happened, and here's what he said. (keep in mind that although I knew about his "former" relationship with Elvira, he had sworn to me that it was over, and that he had been spending the nights with his brother or cousin because he was so unhappy.) He said - I was at B's house (a friend who had been arrested a few years back for dealing drugs) playing cards. A guy came to the door, and wanted to see B's sister. Nemo, because he was such a chivalrous, gallant man, intervened, and the guy ended up beating Nemo up.

The story had holes from the beginning, but I had no idea what to make of it. I got mad at him, and asked why on earth he was defending B's sister when his wife was home alone, scared, and very pregnant? Then, I left. Because the most important thing in my life was my baby and I didn't want to be late for my appointment.

Nemo headed to the ER (different, closer hospital than the one where I was heading), where they told him that he'd need physical therapy for his dislocated shoulder.

On the way to my appointment, Nemo's mother called me three times. I didn't answer any of her calls - I didn't know what to say to her. I spent the rest of the day in denial hiding out at my parents' house letting them give me the attention my very pregnant body and mind needed.

The worst part about it was that Nemo wanted me to lie for him. And although I never did, for a long time I didn't tell the truth either. He wanted me to say that he fell down our stairs in the middle of the night. I laughed out loud typing that just now, but at the time, it upset me greatly. I mean, he wasn't even sleeping at my house anymore, let alone walking down my stairway in the dark in the middle of the night.

After Lucian was born (and his face was still bruised), he started joking around to people that I had pushed him down the stairs. The first few times, I let it go, but I finally told him that if he didn't stop with that hideous lie, I was going to tell his family the truth about his fight.

In December when I was trying to convince Nemo's parents that Nemo had left me (because they didn't believe that their son was capable of doing anything so horribly cruel) I told them about the fight. Nemo's dad, Jabba, said - I knew that he didn't fall down the stairs. I never believed that story.

The kicker of the story is that there was a police report filed. Nemo later denied its existence too, but it was laying around our home office for awhile, and I committed some of it to memory. Later, when I found out Elvira's name and address, I was able to find some information on the internet that she had requested a personal protection order against the same man who was in the fight with Nemo. Coincidentally, it was on the same date. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I can put two and two together.

During all this time, I believed with my heart and soul that Nemo was mentally ill. He was my family and I was prepared to stand by him. I still think that Nemo is mentally ill in some way. I just think that in addition, he's evil.

I'm so glad that the evil is out of my life. I wish he was out of Lucian's.

Interview

2006-08-03T13:32:00.000-04:00

Good news! I have an interview next week.

Now, if I can only convince someone to hire a diabetic, divorced, single mother with a crazy parenting time arrangement. And, oh yeah, I haven't worked in nearly five years.

I'll have my work cut out for me.

Obsessive Compulsive

2006-08-02T23:10:00.000-04:00

There's some obsessive compulsive tendencies in my family. I don't believe that any of us are extreme about it where it's affecting our daily lives. But if you look close enough, you'll realize that it's there just the same.

For the most part, it shows itself in routines and repeated phrases.

I crave routine myself, and I'm the first person to admit it. I have a daily routine, and I get frustrated when things don't happen the way I like them to. I'm able to get over it pretty quickly and move on when the routine gets broken, and I think that's probably the biggest difference between me, and others where the problem is more severe.

I'm not a phrase repeater myself, but there are members of my family who repeat things over and over. I won't mention who, because if they ever read this, they'll know who they are. They will even fully admit that they do it. I found that the best way to deal with the repetition is not to respond. When they don't have an audience, they tend not to do it so much.

And then there's Lucian. I've realized that he has inherited the phrase repeater gene. Right now, he's obsessed with trains. Whenever he sees a train, he yells - koo koo! (for choo choo) If I don't respond, he repeats it again and again until I acknowledge that yes, in fact, he has seen a train. And since there are now many, many trains around the house, it seems like he is saying it all day long.

He also does it in reference to my parents. One day, we dropped my Mom off somewhere and he and I got back in the car. The entire way home, he questioned - Gigi? (for Grandma) I'd then say, we just dropped her off. A minute later, he'd ask again - Gigi? I was going crazy. Another time, my sister was in the car driving him and I was following in a separate car. She said he called my name the whole time. Not just calling, but questioning - Baba? Baba? Baba? (his name for me).

Almost everything Lucian says is in the form of a question anyway. Car? Phone? Doggie? Tractor? Plane? Cracker? Wheel? Shoe? Chair? I feel obligated each time to say, yes, Lucian, that is a ______.

And then there's please. My Mom and I thought that it would be good to teach him to say please when he wants something. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, he must say please about four hundred times a day. He'll sit in his high chair and see that I'm getting him something and say - please! please! please! over and over and over again.

I hope that he grows out of this. It's exhausting trying to answer him all day long.

Acne

2006-08-01T13:54:00.000-04:00

I've had acne almost my entire life.

The first time I saw a dermatologist was when I was in the first grade. My Dad used to take me once a month or so. They'd have me lay down with steam burning my face to loosen everything up. I hated it. Then it got worse when the doctor would come in and use this tool to remove my blackheads. I remember being the only kid in the office. The only good things were that my Dad always took me out for ice cream afterwards, and I got to miss school. This went on all during elementary school.

By the time I got to middle school, my acne problem had escalated. My parents found me a different doctor. I liked him a lot. The first time I saw him I was probably eleven. I remember him telling me that I could have problems til I was eighteen. Eighteen! That seemed like forever to me. This doctor was thorough and patient, and through the years prescribed me everything under the sun.

In college, my acne problem got worse. By this point in time, I had rotated through every drug a few times, and nothing had worked. My face was always red, blotchy, achy, and rough.

Until my doctor said enough was enough and put me on Accutane. It cleared me up beautifully. I had the skin of a model. I look at pictures of myself from that time, and you can see that my skin is shiny and bright. Accutane has a lot of side effects, including birth defects so it's not without risk. But to me, after a lifetime of break-outs, it was worth it. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life.

Accutane is meant to be taken for a few months and stopped. It works by drying up your oil glands. In most people, the results last. Or at least clear up your skin to the point where an over the counter drug will work. Of course, that didn't happen for me.

Within a year, I was back at the dermatologist. We did another round of the Accutane. Another year later, same result. I was out of options.

My acne was a little less severe in my post-college days. I think that my hormones were probably more stable than when I was a teenager. However, I still had many flare-ups. I saw the dermatologist regularly until a few years ago when I finally gave up completely. I had been seeing the same doctor for almost twenty years. He did as much for me as he possibly could.

Last year, my Mom saw a commercial for Proactiv. At the time, she thought that I needed some confidence boosters because I was in the midst of the divorce. So she signed me up. I had my doubts about Proactiv, but it worked fairly well. I wasn't in the majority that had astonishing results, but the break-outs were less severe.

In May, I was shopping at my favorite store, Costco, and discovered that they sell a Proactiv knockoff called AcneFree. I had a coupon so I figured I had nothing to lose.

I tried it, and after a month, my face cleared up considerably. It's amazing. I wish I had had this product years ago. My skin still isn't perfect, but it's made a huge difference.

The biggest difference for me, though, has been with my self esteem.

The world is kinder if you're beautiful. I always felt like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. That there was a gorgeous person beneath my outside layer of ugliness. As I grew up, it mattered a bit less. It was easier after high school, even easier after college.

When the doctor told me my acne would clear up by the time I was eighteen, I'm sure he never realized that it would be almost twice that before I was happy with my skin.

Insulin

2006-07-31T13:35:00.000-04:00

My Dad has type 2 diabetes. He was diagnosed about ten years ago. Currently, he's controlling his blood sugars using pills, diet and exercise. But the doctor wants him to go on insulin soon as his HA1C isn't as low as she'd like it to be, and they've tried everything else.

This is the day my Dad has feared for ten years.

Sometimes I think having type 1 is easier. It's very black and white. I make no insulin, therefore I need it. The health care community is more likely to take me seriously, because, gasp! I could die!

Type 2, on the other hand, is one big gray area. Your body makes some insulin, so you get caught somewhere in the middle of none and enough. It's much harder to understand and follow through, in my opinion. I think that in general, with type 2, you have to fight for good quality health care.

I've had a talk with my Dad about the insulin shots. Several times in the past decade, and once this weekend. I know they scare him. I'm scared for him too. I got over my fear and he'll have to too. I have the burden of already having had this particular life experience, and I know it's not going to be fun.

My Dad has the kind of job where he can't be on insulin and still perform. I don't want to go into more details, but he might still be able to do the same work if he had a waiver or something. We're still looking into it.

I try to potray an image to my Dad that I can handle anything diabetes throws at me. I'll get all bent out of shape about something Nemo's done, or whining when the weather is unbearable (as it's been for the past week). But when I couldn't move my hand for a month when I had trigger finger, I just suffered through it, knowing that it comes with the territory.

The truth is, I don't worry much about myself. I do worry about my Dad.

I hope he's able to get through this transition with ease.

Patterns

2006-07-29T20:58:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed a pattern in your life? My Mom has found a pattern in mine, which I can't seem to figure out.

I had a best friend in high school. Let's call her BF#1. We were inseparable for most of our freshman and sophomore year. During one of the spirit weeks, we even dressed as twins. I've always been a person with many different friendships, but most of my energy at the time was focused on her, BF#1. Sometime during junior year, something happened. The friend who could finish my sentences was gone. She went almost completely goth on me and cut her hair so short you would have thought she was a boy. I never understood what happened. To this day, I don't know, but I do have some theories. (most of them involve some sort of abuse.)

In college and in my early post-college years, I had BF#2. When I first met her, she overwhelmed me. She was a dancer and came from a "perfect" family. (my family has some perfectness too, but hers was sticky sweet.) She ended up being someone I could really count on. We were just as comfortable hanging out just the two of us, being with either of our families (I even went on a cruise with her family), or going out with friends. I stood up in her wedding, and then she stood up in mine. She had her first baby right after I got married, and before my infertility (which means: I wasn't at that time projecting any of my sadness or anger onto her). She drifted away from me to the point that we're now almost strangers. I do still get a Christmas card from her though.

And then there's Nemo. Which you know all about.

I'm certainly not saying that these two friends were like my husband. It's not the same sort of relationship at all. But, it does seem that all three of these people shut me out of their lives, with no explanation. To my knowledge, I've done nothing to offend any of them. I've even gone so far as to ask other family and friends their opinion. They don't get it either.

In the meantime, I've had other friends. Arista, because I've spoken of her. I had nine bridesmaids in my wedding, because I didn't feel I could cut anyone out. I even had two additional people who turned me down. So it's not like I don't have friends, or know how to be a friend.

Maybe relationships just come and go. Maybe you're not meant to hold onto friends or husbands forever.

Maybe no one has wanted to tell me that.

Panic attack

2006-07-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

Last week, I mentioned the party that Nemo would like Lucian to attend.

After I told Nemo that I would bring Lucian, I asked him if there was a specific time frame that he had in mind. He e-mailed me and said that he'd be there anytime after 2:00.

I then went to considerable effort to change my plans for that day. My amazing friend Arista said that she would go shopping with me that day. Since this party is not close to either my house nor hers, we made a plan. A plan, which by the way, could not include a nap for Lucian.

I e-mailed Nemo to tell him that I would have Lucian there from 2:00-5:00. I thought that he would be happy, or at least satisfied that Lucian would in fact be able to attend on a day that wasn't his, and a location that is normally out of the question. That would have been too easy. He responds to me and asks if Lucian can stay until 7:00.

Keep in mind that Lucian's normal bedtime is 7:00, and that's when he has a 2-3 hour nap. Keep in mind also, that Nemo has never spent five consecutive hours with Lucian either. Oh yeah, and part of my plan change, was to go out with Arista and her family that evening.

This happened yesterday. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I started to panic. I had to take some of my anti-anxiety medication. I didn't want to say no to Nemo because I'm afraid of future consequences. Nemo has shown no interest in returning to court, but he's such a smooth talker that the thought of going to court scares me. It motivates a lot of my actions. The courts are very pro-father right now.

In the end, I e-mailed Nemo back and explained how I had rearranged our schedules to accommodate his original request. I told him that I was really trying to work with him (in spite of him being a horrible person, husband, and father).

Today he responded that he was trying to work with me too. All that worrying, and I don't think he even gave my response a second thought.

Remind me of that the next time I'm panicking.

Anything to save a buck

2006-07-26T21:26:00.000-04:00

There is no end to my talents.

I've always been frugal. I won't call myself cheap, because I think that the word implies a certain lack of manners. And I'm never cheap with my friends and family. I've been told that I always buy the best gifts.

However, I hate to pay full price for an item when I can get it on sale. I shop around and learn prices. I love to buy in bulk to save money. I'll try a store brand of just about anything, and if it's equal or better to the name brand, I buy that.

My current financial situation doesn't allow me to buy many extras. I will treat myself to books on occasion, and I have bought myself a few summer things, but for the most part, I really only buy the necessities.

The one thing that I never thought I'd ever do is skimp on haircuts. I've found though, that Lucian won't sit still for a haircut. I've taken him to the barber with my Dad, only to shell out $15 for a cut that I've had to even out at home.

So I invested in a haircutting kit. I've now used it twice on Lucian. I watched the DVD but I was still nervous the first time. Needless to say, the two haircuts were back to back because I didn't cut it short enough the first time.

He still squirms around and cries, but at least I can get the job done while he's a hostage in his highchair. If I do say so myself, I think I did a pretty good job.

And the best part is that I only paid $24.99 for the kit - it's already paid for itself.

Haircut, anyone?