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I'm back from my brother's wedding. All in all, the wedding was a success. My brother is happily married and is now on his way to Hawaii with his new wife.

The wedding was emotionally very difficult for me. For many reasons. The first was that Lucian being unwelcome offended me. Not to the wedding itself, because I understand that many people want adults-only parties. (although it would have been nice since we were travelling 500 miles to attend, and Lucian is his only nephew.) What bothered me was that Lucian was not invited to the photos beforehand. If you feel I'm over-reacting, please don't tell me, I can't hear it now. I would have really liked a family photo with my son included. (they did, however, include my sister's boyfriend. I'm not knocking him in any way because I like him a lot and think he's awesome for her. I just think that they could have included their nephew in the photos too.)

Second, I often felt like the third wheel. Like the person who's in the way. I was the oldest bridesmaid, the only non-sorority girl, and also the heaviest. The only previously married, old lady of the bunch. I was a fish out of water.

Third, my brother lives downtown. He's a big city guy now. I love my brother, but he makes me feel like I'm one of his relatives from some po-dunk town. (The rest of my family lives here too, but I won't speak for them, only myself) The fact is, I live in a thriving suburban area. There is nothing his city has that I don't have here. I don't do well in big cities. I feel claustrophobic. I hate taxis - they make me nervous. I would rather walk than take a taxi. I like being in control of my destination. I like being able to drive across town and not have to pay someone $20 to get there. I was given wrong addresses twice, that didn't help me feel calmer either.

Lastly, this weekend made me realize just how far apart my brother and I are. And not just in our locations. They had two maids of honor and two best men, and all four of them gave toasts. Each one explained what great people my brother and his new wife are, and what a perfect couple they are, yada yada yada... typical wedding toast stuff really. But I realized that I knew nothing about them as a couple. That I basically have very little relationship with them at all. It makes me sad because that's not how I want it. But as I learned with Nemo, there's only so much you can want someone in your life before you just have to let it go.

I take Ativan for anxiety. I took more pills this weekend than I have in the last three months at home. I had a difficult time sleeping. I felt uptight and out of place the entire time. Several times I had to leave the room and regroup myself.

Before I make it sound like it was all horrible, there were good moments too. We took Lucian to a train store and loaded him up with lots of new trains. It was Lucian's first road trip and he did wonderfully. I took Lucian in the hotel pool and he loved it. He cried when we left. It was nice to get away for the weekend, even in spite of all the stress. My aunt and uncle from out of state came and it was wonderful to see them too.

I'm just so relieved to be home.