A better place

I just had the one year anniversary of moving in with my parents. In the next week, I will celebrate one year that my divorce has been final. (Coincidentally, the divorce was final just the day before what would have been our sixth anniversary.)

I had ten months to prepare for the move to my parents' house. I physically started packing things over six months before the final box was carried out the door. I had time to look at every item in the house: Will I need this in my new life? Is it fair or unfair for me to take or leave it? Is this worth fighting over? Will Nemo even know it's gone? Definitely my obsessive behavior coming out there!

Nemo never said more than a few words about me moving. Every once in awhile, he'd say - what happened to the wine rack? (moved to a different room so my crawling son wouldn't get into it, duh) or - have you seen my winter coat/gloves/favorite shirt/sandals/etc? (banished all that stuff from my sight, but not the house, try looking in your own closet, you idiot) But for the most part, he was pretty clueless about anything I had packed or relocated.

Moving day came on a Sunday. Most of our furniture had either been his or mine from before our marriage so it wasn't hard to divide. Surprisingly, we had come to an agreement early on regarding the other furniture that we had bought together. And even though friends and family thought that I should take everything I could get my hands on, because he deserved nothing for what he did, I didn't want to start any arguments with him, so I left him half.

We never really decided who was going to take what other than those few couches and tables. There was a great deal of other things that we both wanted: the $1800 camera that Nemo had bought right at the same time he bought Elvira a $500 watch which I thought should belong to me, and Tivo, specifically.

On moving day, most of my furniture and boxes were loaded up to take to my parents' house. I realized then that there was alot more that I had missed that I didn't have time for that day. So I postponed actually leaving. I knew that I'd never be able to retrieve something later if I left it, so I wanted to go through everything with a fine toothed comb.

I need to back the train up a bit and tell you that as a shower gift, my Mom painted the baby's room. She painted a mural that covered every inch of the walls and took her over 125 hours. (depicted in the photo above, although the mural was not completely finished when the photo was taken. And, that was only part of one wall.) Nemo's parents bought us the baby furniture. On moving day, I had cleared out Lucian's room, besides the crib.

One night later that week, Nemo came home from work. My parents were there, and we were going to go out to dinner so Nemo could have some parenting time. Upon returning, Nemo started screaming at me. He had noticed that I took the baby furniture that his parents had bought. I tried reasoning with him. I couldn't exactly take a mural with me, so he could keep that. Where was the baby to sleep if not in the crib that was specifically purchased for him? I wasn't about to go out and buy new furniture. It's a ridiculous argument to have.

Nemo kept yelling, and started calling me names. I was frightened. After seeing his behavior from the previous year, I thought that he might get violent. My Mom stepped up and started trying to reason with him also. Have you ever argued with crazy? It's completely impossible. My Dad sat quietly, not wanting to get involved.

[side note: I had a long talk with my Dad after this incident. I told him that he needed to step up and defend me and not sit idly by. Not long after this particular day came Lucian's birthday, where my Dad stepped up to the plate with grace.]

Nemo eventually got so mad that he left. Maybe he felt that he might be violent, I don't know. I was truly terrified of him that night. When I have moments where Nemo is putting on his I'm-a-nice-guy-how-could-you-think-otherwise? act, I remember that night and I can't forget my feelings of terror.

What if my parents hadn't been there? That is what scares me the most.

My parents helped me get everything else out of the house in the next two days. I felt like a criminal because alot of the stuff was moved out after dark. Because I didn't know when Nemo would return (alot of times he would arrive at crazy hours), I felt the pressure of getting out of there quickly and quietly. It's not my proudest moment sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night. Even though I was only taking what was mine, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, and the law had not made me feel otherwise.

In my mind, I still walk through the house. I visit all the rooms, opening drawers, looking out windows, remembering how my fingers touched the door knobs and how my feet felt cold on the tile. I remember my pregnancy and feeling trapped in my dream house, the crying and sobbing and anguish that took hold of me when I lay on the kitchen floor in a ball. I remember cleaning ceiling fans, hanging Christmas lights, and mourning the losses of my IVFs. I can hear the doorbell ringing when Elvira came to the door and feel the panic and fear in my chest. It's all saved in my head, never to be forgotten. I can't always pull out those memories, they're a big knot that I can't seem to figure out where to start. It pains me too much to try and even think about unraveling it, let alone actually getting it loose.

Emotionally I've been weak for the past few weeks; I've been having a difficult time. I've been in a hard place. But it's not as hard as it was. I'm in a brighter place now. There's hope. My doorbell doesn't ring in the middle of the night. I haven't had to clean a ceiling fan and I've never lay crying on the floor in the fetal position, or screamed at the top of my lungs til I could no longer use my voice. There's order here, a predictability that gets me through the day, even the hard ones. I'm surrounded by love and respect, faith, peace and happiness. I'm so thankful for what I have.

There are still many demons lurking around. I mean, Nemo is still in the picture. But my son and I are safe and loved, and that's the biggest blessing there is.

Oh, and I did take the crib and the camera. And my amazingly wonderful parents bought me a new Tivo of my very own.

Breakdown

Prior to two and a half years ago, I used to handle stress pretty well. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason why I've turned into a total basket case. Maybe it's all the reasons put together: pregnancy, baby, divorce, moving, trust issues, joblessness, etc. Any little thing can be the straw that broke my camel's back. The snap that makes my life seem unbearable.

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.

I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.

I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.

The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)

So here's what I found out:

1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.

2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.

3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.

4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)

5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.

After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.

I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.

I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?

A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.

And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)

What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)

I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.

I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.

I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.

I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?

I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.

This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.

The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.

Pregnancy and babies

You'd think that I'd be over this by now, but I wonder for how long infertility will take its toll on me. I wonder if I'll still be bitter when I'm an old woman with fifty cats. Because I've already decided that I'm most likely becoming a spinster. A bitter spinster with cats... How cliche is that?

I've been pregnant, I've had a baby. I have a child, who is a ton of work. So much work that it wipes me out at the end of the day. (alright, I admit it. I'm wiped out by lunchtime.) I'm not really ready to take care of another baby, even if I could.

So why is it so hard for me to be comfortable with other's pregnancies and babies? Once the baby becomes a child, I have no problem at all. It's just the maternity and newborn stage I have a hard time with.

I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy the way I wanted to. And even though, in theory, I can get pregnant easily, have a wonderful sperm donor, can stay pregnant, and have a healthy baby, I can't take advantage of all of those things.

I wonder how many kids I would have chosen to have, if anything were possible? Two, three, four, or more? I can almost taste the freedom of choosing for myself. Almost.

Ironically, even though our diagnosis was male factor, I'm the one carrying the scars of infertility.

Please let me know if you know of any cats that need a good home.

3:00 am

Something happens in your body at 3:00 am. Diabetics know that it's the start of the dawn phenomenon. Something changes with your hormones. For me, I often wake up.

Last night, 3:01, I was awake. I had to turn the tv on to lull me back to sleep, to stop the thoughts running around in my head. I wish there was an off switch for my anxiety.

So I was laying there thinking about another night, two years ago, when I was awake. I was pregnant, it was summer (July or August). It cool for that time of year. The windows were open and a soft breeze blew in. My tv was on. My husband was not home.

At that point in our marriage, and to my disappointment, Nemo went out most nights. I was mad, sad, irritated, and frustrated about it. But I couldn't keep him home. (can you really make anyone do anything?) As spring turned to summer and then to fall, he stayed out later and later to finally not returning at all.

This particular night, I woke up scared, in a panic. I went to the kitchen, got something to eat, and tried to call Nemo. He didn't answer his phone. I waited, and tried again. I left five messages in a half hour. He would hate when I'd do that, but I couldn't help myself. I was becoming more and more irritated as the months went on, and I felt the control over my life slipping away as my husband slipped away. It wasn't right that I should be home by myself, not knowing where my husband was in the middle of the night.

I remember looking out the window. Feeling the breeze. Staring at the nearly full moon and how it brought light to the yard. Watching the leaves on the trees rustle. Feeling like but for one small thing, Nemo being there, I could be serene in that moment. I wondered where Nemo was during that one moment. Where he could be that he couldn't be bothered to answer the phone.

He called me forty-five minutes later with some excuse. In the end, they were all the same: he fell asleep at n's house with his phone in the car, he was at x bar where he couldn't hear his phone even on vibrate, he was driving home with the radio on loud (but still an hour away), etc etc. I felt so depleted. I didn't believe his excuses, but I sure wanted to, so I convinced myself he wasn't lying to me. (n = any random friend or relative that would lie for Nemo)

Those nights were long, painful. I hated going to bed at night because I knew it would repeat again. The best thing Nemo did was in November (before Lucian's birth) when he told me he wasn't coming home, that he'd be sleeping at n's house trying to figure out what was making him so unhappy.

I hope never again to have such painful nights. Even now, up at 3:00 am, I'm calm. Even with tossing and turning insomnia, I know my loved ones are in bed safe. I'm not waiting for someone to come home, who had so obviously not wanted to be there in the first place.

Names

I wanted the perfect name for my child. If the baby had been a girl, I wanted to name her after my grandmother. That would have been too easy though.

When we found out the baby was going to be a boy, I started thinking long and hard. I wanted something a little different, not too common, but not so crazy that he'd be embarrassed in years to come.

Nemo and I talked about it a lot. That is, I talked, and he listened. He was mostly uninterested. Every time I tried to have a serious conversation with him, he would come up with names like "Lightning" and "Thunder". I would ask him to be serious, and he would say that he wasn't joking. I would get mad at him and drop the subject for another day. But the same thing would happen the next time too. I was so frustrated.

I brought up the idea of having a Junior. It wasn't really what I wanted, but at that point I wanted to involve Nemo and make him feel like he was part of this baby's life. Personally, I think it's too confusing to have two people with the same name in one household. So I was relieved that Nemo didn't want the baby to be a junior either. But his words hurt me to the core. He actually said to me - I might have a baby of my own and I'd like to save it for him. Didn't he understand that this was his baby? I was devastated.

Since I didn't have Nemo's input, (and I wasn't even sure he was going to show up for the birth) I had a name picked out as my back-up. But at the time, I thought I loved Nemo and I wanted the name to be chosen by both of us.

At 38 weeks, I was sent to the birthing center because I was starting to develop pre-eclampsia. On the way there, I called Nemo at work and said - we need to choose a name today. I was panicking. I could have had the baby that day and he wouldn't have had a name. The hospital ended up releasing me.

I went home and consulted the social security website. I put together a list of five names and we narrowed it down to one we could both agree on. I had one week to toss it around in my head before I delivered, and I ended up being pretty happy with it.

That leaves Lightning and Thunder still available for Nemo's next child.

Faith

I was scared the whole time I was pregnant. For many reasons (including being at home most nights alone) but I was scared what the baby was going to be like.

I had nothing concrete on the father of my baby. We chose the donor based upon blood type and ancestry. I've never seen a photo of him. I don't know his value system. I know that he's tall, good looking, and healthy. I now know that he gave me a beautiful child. But then, I didn't.

I knew that I would never reject any child, but I was still uncertain exactly what I was in for. Who would he look like? What genetic factors would be out of my control? Would he look like a troll, or have two heads? My mind escalated with possibilities.

Lucian was extremely active in utero. He kicked and moved around the clock. Even the doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, etc would comment how active he was. I'd entertain myself for hours just watching my stomach roll and lurch. But I couldn't help but think, who is this child living inside of me?

It didn't help that Nemo was mostly out of the picture, and when he was around, didn't want to speak about it. I think it pained him. So I kept my feelings to myself, because I had no one else to confide in. I was petrified.

After he was born, it took me all of ten seconds to fall in love with Lucian. In one breath, all my fears subsided. He was perfect in every way. He still is.

I wish I had had more faith. Next time I will.

Ultrasound

When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I learned that I would be having an 18 week ultrasound. I was told that if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby, that that was the ultrasound that they could tell us.

I asked Nemo when would be convenient for him to go. I thought we could get the first appointment in the morning so that he wouldn't have to miss alot of time at work.

He informed me that he couldn't go. He was too busy at work. What?

This was the day that we would find out if we were having a son or a daughter, and he couldn't go? He had gone in late plenty of other times, and missed entire days without problem. The kicker is that Nemo works for his dad. My ex-father-in-law, Jabba, has been very unkind to me since the divorce, but at that time was very supportive of the baby and me. (At the time he thought the baby was his biological heir too so that could be part of the difference. Oh and the shame of divorce that I've brought upon their family, let's not forget that. Because there's no shame in your married son dating a str*ipper and leaving his wife. Just ending the marriage is the shameful part. But I digress...)

I spent a week in turmoil. Should I go to the ultrasound alone? I was embarrassed that my husband didn't want to go with me. When I told friends and family about the appointment, everyone was so excited, and all I felt was dread and humiliation.

So I went to his mom, Cruella. I told her that Nemo wasn't going to go. She laughed at me, and said that of course he was going. Nemo and I had had serious conversations about it, repetitively. I used all my persuasive powers and had been unable to convince him. I begged and pleaded and he still told me he couldn't go. Cruella called me the next day and said that Jabba said Nemo was going.

I made the appointment. Nemo said to me later that it was all a joke and that of course he was planning on going. I didn't think it was funny. Nothing in my life was funny. Not the fact that he was gone all the time, lying to me all the time, or manipulating me all the time. It was exhausting.

By the way, the ultrasound went great. We found out that the baby was a boy (obviously). Nemo wore his shocked face the whole way home. Deer in the headlights. I think that day it really hit home that a baby was coming. One that he felt wasn't his, and didn't really want.

And, he was only an hour late to work that day.

The line between biological and adopted children

For me, there was never a difference between the way I saw biological children versus the way I saw adopted children. Both ways make a family. I never really gave it a second thought until recently.

I have a very close friend who has two children. They just happen to be adopted. Those kids are the children she was meant to have. I never refer to them as adopted, just as "my friend's kids". It's a non-issue for me.

Then we chose to use donor sperm. Still no issue for me. The baby we would have would be both of ours. Loved equally by us and our families. It would just so happen that he/she would be half adopted. I was okay with that, and I still am.

Then my husband left me. Abandoned me during my pregnancy, never was there after Lucian was born either, etc etc... He never bonded with Lucian. Nemo has shown a bit more interest lately (about three weeks), but since Elvira, the str*ipper girlfriend is suddenly out of the picture, he has a bit more time on his hands.

I believe that if Lucian had been the biological child of Nemo, things would have been different. Maybe not. But I really think that Nemo might have been more involved, cared a bit more, and been a bit kinder. In his head, he would have thought "my child", not "her child".

It took me many months after Lucian's birth, but I now see Lucian as my child only. I feel bad that I feel this way, like I am not doing right by all adopted kids. But I can't help it. I feel that Nemo is not his father. And really, before I beat myself up too bad, it's not just the biology, it's the fact that Nemo never treated Lucian like he was his.

So I have a hard time. How do I trust my ex-husband, who is not my baby's biological father, with who I see as my child? A real father, biological or not, does not treat the mother or the baby the way that we've been treated.

How do I trust someone, who has not had an interest, who has admitted to drug use, who suggested suicide, with my baby that I fought long and hard for? This man is a stranger to both of us.

Lucian's conception

As I've said in a couple of other posts, my son is a miracle. Every baby/person is a miracle, but Lucian's existence is a miracle of timing.

Since Nemo and I had skipped steps that most couples take (because with male factor infertility we had to go right to IVF) we had to backtrack a bit. I started charting my temperature and bought an ovulation predictor kit. It was an odd feeling for me, after three years of infertility, that I might be able to get pregnant pretty much on my own.

Nemo had a trip scheduled to Las Vegas with his friends in mid-March. I was unhappy about the trip. There were probably ten people going, and some of them were bringing their wives. Nemo had not invited me, and made it clear that he wanted to spend some time with his friends without me. I was a different person then; I accepted a lot of his behavior because I didn't know that I had a choice. I allowed him to go, because it seemed easier to just let him go than to argue.

Before the trip, I had been doing the ovulation prediction. Days went by and I wasn't getting a positive. So I gave up, thinking that maybe I had ovulated really early. (I have a luteal phase defect which I thought had thrown things off.) Three days later, Nemo was set to leave. I had one stick left and decided to use it on a whim. I was shocked when the color turned.

I called the clinic, and they had me come in for an ultrasound. My IUI would be the next day. Since it would be a Saturday, I was to go pick up the frozen specimen myself before the procedure.

I dropped Nemo off at the airport that night. Saturday morning, I woke up early and went to the cryobank. They gave me the vial of the donor we had chosen, telling me to keep it in my pocket until I arrived at the clinic.

Everything went according to the textbook at the clinic. The nurse told me that the sperm count was 80 million and performed the IUI. Half an hour later, I was on my way home. Two weeks later, I would find out I was pregnant.

Nemo had started acting funny the week he left for Las Vegas and I had the IUI. In fact, I questioned him about his behavior before he left. He claimed that he was fine, just needed some time with his friends. I think if it had been a month later, I wouldn't have gone through with the insemination at all. Because by April, Nemo was spending hardly any evenings at home. (although it would take me months to discover Elvira.)

I'm angry at Nemo for so many things. Mostly though, I'm angry that he okayed the use of donor sperm and then abandoned me during the pregnancy (unless it involved looking good for the sake of his family) and after Lucian was born, abandoning both of us. I'm angry that Nemo wasn't there for the insemination, that he chose his friends over me, and the procedure that would give us Lucian.

It pains me to think about Lucian's conception, my pregnancy and the birth. I'm trying to get past the anger. I haven't been very successful yet at letting it go. Someday, I'll look back and all I'll see is the joy of Lucian. Someday.

Infertility, part 2

Read part 1.

After the last IVF in early 2003 that was negative, Nemo and I decided not to push farther on at that point. Thinking back now, it was probably more my decision (as most things in the marriage were) because each IVF took a small piece of me. Each negative was extremely difficult and I needed some time away from infertility.

In the summer of 2003, I went to Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. Nemo's parents own a home there. I felt pushed into it, but at the same time, it was an adventure to take my mind off of the infertility. And I desperately needed that, so I went. I did alot of soul searching there as I had alot of time on my hands. Imagine yourself in a foreign country where you can't communicate with anyone besides your mother-in-law... who I later figured out was playing passive agressive mind games with me. I'm digressing here. So anyway, we spent alot of time at the beach, where I kept my mind open to all the possiblities. A little boy playing in the sand made up my mind: I would love any child that came into my life.

At this point in our infertility journey, we had been given the donor sperm option several times. Nemo didn't like the idea, as he felt that it wouldn't be his child. I didn't share his opinion, but I respected it.

When I came home from Europe, I was calmer than I had been in years. I had faith that a child would come to me.

Six months or so went by - I figured we had been happy before infertility, couldn't we be happy again without kids? I was okay in the short term, but still unsettled about the future. One day in the car, I brought it up. Surprisingly, Nemo responded to the donor sperm idea in a positive way. We had known all along that the few immature sperm that he could produce were of very low quality. It took us time (and alot of money) to accept that.

So in February I went back to the fertility clinic telling them our decision to try the donor sperm route. They required us to meet with a psychologist. I fell in love with Nemo all over again that day. He said things like - I want to have a baby, no matter the genetics, and - sperm doesn't make a father. We passed the psychological exam with flying colors.

We then went in to choose a donor. There were pages and pages of men just waiting to be the father of my baby. It was a daunting task. I broke down. I wasn't sure how I could choose someone that wasn't my husband to have a baby with. I remember telling Nemo that I just wished that he could be the father. And that using a donor was just so complicated. Nemo held up extremely well. He was very rational the whole time. We finally chose one, and never looked back.

I had my first and only insemination in March. I didn't think that it had worked. Nothing had worked in the past, so my hopes weren't high. The night before I went for the pregnancy test, I cried myself to sleep. Infertility cuts you off from the world in a way that most diseases/conditions don't. (my diabetes is nowhere near as isolating.) I could get through the days, but the nights were particularly hard.

The next morning, I went for the blood test and the nurse called me in the afternoon. My heart raced as I picked up the phone. I heard the words that I never thought I would hear - Stella, you are pregnant. I was stunned.

The first thing I did was to call Nemo at work. When I told him, he was shocked. He was speechless. I thought he had hung up on me speechless. He then said - I never thought it would work. I've remembered those words since because I truly think that he really did think that it wouldn't work. I believe that he went along with everything just to keep me happy and quiet. I will probably never know his true motivation for allowing the pregnancy to happen when I don't think it's what he wanted.

The issue of Lucian's biological father has colored my view on just about everything. From the fact that Nemo was never protective of Lucian, that he left me at home with a newborn alone after having a c-section, that he didn't really want to spend time with Lucian until the court got involved, and the fact that even now, I don't think that Nemo has bonded with Lucian.

Many people (including my fertility clinic) will say that the genetics don't make a difference. I'm one of those people who the genetics wouldn't have made a difference to. But the fact is, the genetics made a difference to Nemo. He might not say it out loud, but his actions speak for his heart.

For the record, I would do it all again. My son is amazing. He is beautiful, smart and charming. I know that all mothers feel that way about their kids so maybe my view is clouded with love. I love everything about him, and I'm so thankful to the donor who made my dream a reality and helped give Lucian life.

Voting day, cocaine, and anti-depressants

I was eight months pregnant when I finally convinced Nemo to see a psychiatrist. The appointment was on election day.

I went with him to the appointment and waited in the waiting room. The doctor asked me to join them halfway through. He wanted my opinion on what was happening with Nemo.

I told him Nemo had been abandoning me for months. That I had just found out about Elvira. That I couldn't get him involved in my life. That I needed my husband now more than ever. He asked if I thought Nemo was depressed or bi-polar. I thought either one of them could be a strong possibility. He wanted to know whether Nemo wanted to try talk therapy or start medication. I practically jumped out of my seat exclaiming - I need my husband to be here for the birth of my child! Put him on some medication!

He gave Nemo an anti-depressant, and told him to return in a couple of weeks. (Side note: I counted his pills in the days and weeks to come and he wasn't taking them faithfully. Seems he couldn't be faithful to anything or anyone.)

Nemo and I went to our voting location. The line was long. I feel it is always important to exercise your right to vote, but this year the polls were saying it would be very close race. So even though it was painful for me to stand with the swelling of my feet and the extra thirty pounds I was carrying, and even though I figured Nemo was voting for the rival candidate, we stayed because I thought it was important.

Nemo was on the phone almost the entire time. I spent more time talking to one of our neighbors in line than I did to Nemo. We were in line an hour and a half. They kept announcing over the loud speakers to turn off all cell phones. Nemo would do things like that, not obey authority-type things. I was getting even more angry that he was on the phone.

As we got close to the booths, he put his phone away. He said in a quiet, serious voice - I have something to tell you. I was really annoyed, tired and physically aching by this point. He goes on to say that he had used drugs with his brother. I asked him what kind of drugs and he said cocaine. It was a surreal moment for me. I can see all around me all the people waiting in line, voting in just another election. I can see the children scampering around on the play equipment. The loud noise in the gymnasium stopped. It was dead silence. I felt a little dizzy. Could the people around me see that I was having a life changing moment? My husband had just admitted to using drugs. So many things had been thrown at me in the past year, that I just walked away from him and cast my ballot in a daze.

I felt like I was leading someone else's life. Like a bystander in my own life. Choices and decisions were being made around me, and like it or not, I was giving birth in less than a month. I felt that my husband was not my own, that he didn't care about my thoughts or feelings and I was powerless. In the end, my husband was someone else's, he didn't care about my thoughts or feelings, but I was powerful. I just needed to find it within myself.

We had Taco Bell for dinner that night. I caught Nemo smoking out on our porch. Something else he had been denying. Non smokers may smell like smoke from the bar, but their mouths don't smell like ashtrays. I wondered what else had he been up to that I didn't know? What other lies? What other illegal activities?

I couldn't imagine what my life was going to be like in less than four weeks when I delivered. I was so huge I couldn't see my feet. Yet here was this baby, arriving into a life that was unfathomable to me even a year before. For the next few days, all I could think was, how am I going to survive this?

I tried to get Nemo help. Oh how I tried. I wanted him to get better. I didn't want my baby around a drug user. I also wanted a husband who would be a father. Someone who was around for more than just dinner and a shower in the evening.

After that day, he never would admit to drug use again. He later even lied under oath about his admission to me. But we both know it was the truth, and that's enough for me.

He left me again that night. Said he was going to be spending the night with his cousin. We both knew that wasn't true. That's when he stopped coming home but briefly. I was on a runaway train and couldn't get off.

Cheating

So of course I was mad about the cheating. But really, it wasn't the cheating that angered me the most. It was that Nemo had no remorse. It was that he was selfish and treated me like I didn't exist.

I found out on a Sunday morning in October that Nemo had cheated. Elvira showed up on my doorstep at 7:00 in the morning.

Nemo and I were both sleeping when I heard the doorbell. It kept ringing. As I was seven months pregnant at this point, it took me a minute to get up and start down the stairs. Nemo stopped me. Blocked me from descending farther. Pleaded with me not to answer the door. He said - I'll tell you everything.

While the doorbell was incessantly ringing, he told me that he had met someone. It was just sex, nothing else. He said that he loved me, didn't love her, and had tried to dump her but that she wouldn't leave him alone. It was a sunny, autumn morning. A morning that for someone else may have been filled with hope.

I was devastated by his admission, but in a relieved sort of way. I knew that my husband was not home with me, I knew that he was not happy, that something was wrong with him. I cried, but I was rational. I was more focused than I had been in a long time. Things made more sense.

Up until that point, I had been feeling crazy, confused. I've learned in therapy, that he had been manipulating me. It's called gaslighting. Anyway, for that moment, my anger took a back seat. I was almost relieved that he was admitting it.

This wasn't the end of Elvira. In fact, he's still with her to this day.

What I'm really angry about is not the cheating, it's that he was never sorry about ruining our life together. He hasn't ruined my life, as it turns out I am better off without him. But he threw our marriage away for what? Why? Why could I never get the truth? If he didn't love me, that's all he had to say. I would have walked away quietly a long time ago and respected him. Now I am left to wondering why someone who claims to love you turns against you and turns into someone evil.

It's the why that keeps me wondering.

Birth, part 2

My parents arrived at the hospital around noon the day after Lucian's birth. Nemo was MIA. I was still on the magnesium drip so things were pretty foggy.

The doctor came in and talked to me about Lucian's circumcision in the morning. My parents came around noon. My Mom couldn't believe that I still had not seen or held the baby. She found out that because of the magnesium drip, they wouldn't let me have the baby on my own. So she went to go request him.

Nemo's family showed up. They went to the nursery to look at Lucian through the glass. Surprisingly, they didn't ask where Nemo was. You'd think they'd have wondered why he wasn't at the hospital with his wife right after having a baby.

My Mom by this time had Lucian in the room. She passed him to me, but I couldn't hold him long. I couldn't focus and I could feel that I just wasn't right with the drugs. So mostly my Mom held him.

Nemo showed up around dinner time, just as his parents were arriving. He played father of the year (the first of very many times) and then left right after they did.

On day 3, I was finally able to get out of bed. It was a real struggle. I had slept with my bed in the seated position because it jostled my stomach less. Every time I moved, it brought tears to my eyes.

The nursery brought Lucian to me. A friend of mine came to visit, and held him. When she had to leave, she handed him to me. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck in bed, holding a newborn. Luckily, my parents showed up and held him. When they left around lunchtime, I was afraid to get back into bed because I knew how painful it was, so I sat in a chair all afternoon, holding Lucian and watching him sleep.

Surprise surprise... Nemo showed up around dinnertime again. My family arrived and so did his. Nemo was acting smug, and even lay in my bed for a good portion of the evening. I was so offended at that small gesture. After a few hours, everyone left and we walked Nemo back to the nursery.

When we got back to my room, I had been given a roommate. Nemo sat on my bed and told me that he thought he wanted a divorce. I was not completely shocked, as his behavior for the previous nine months had been erratic and troubled. I still thought at that point though that he was going to turn things around once the baby was born. He left me crying in bed where I ached with every breath I took. I sobbed quietly while my new neighbor joyfully celebrated with her family the birth of her new baby. It was a moment that troubles me still. I should have been celebrating mine too.

The next morning, the doctor came in at 6:00 on his rounds. I convinced him that I was well enough to go home. I'm not sure how I pulled that off. I called Nemo at 6:15. He didn't answer the home phone. I called his cell phone, which he reluctantly answered. He asked if I could call him back in an hour. Excuse me? What kind of person isn't excited his wife and new baby are coming home from the hospital?

I tried to call him several more times that morning, and he never answered up again. The nurses came in with my discharge papers and instructions. I dressed Lucian in his going home clothes. And I waited. And waited. And waited. I watched Regis and Kelly and Martha Stewart. Nemo's mother and grandmother showed up. They had no idea where he was. He didn't answer their calls either. My parents said they would pick me up, but they didn't have the car seat, Nemo did.

Finally, around 11:30, Nemo showed up. He said he got there as quickly as he could. Five hours later? He wasn't even showered when he arrived.

He drove like a maniac on the way home. Every bump in the road cut me like a knife. I was still in a great amount of pain from the c-section. I asked him to slow down and he said, "I can't control the state of the roads." He was driving 50 in a 35, not even trying to make it more comfortable for me.

We arrived home and my sister was there. Nemo's mother and grandmother also came with us. We walked into the house, and it was a disaster. I had left everything pristine, as I knew that I wasn't going to be in any shape to clean when I got home. Nemo had had a party while I was in the hospital. The floors and counters were sticky. The blender was out, wine glasses and beer bottles were scattered. I freaked out. Nemo's mother, Cruella, started cleaning. Like it was normal to come home from having a baby to a disaster. Like it was acceptable to have a party while your wife is alone in the hospital.

I went to take a shower while Cruella cleaned and everyone played with the baby. When I entered the room, I saw that my bed was unmade. I knew at this point that Nemo had not slept there, even though he had claimed he was. I pulled the covers back a bit to find semen stains. I was shocked. At this point in my life, however, I didn't know what to do with the information that I had. I was confused. I also didn't want to believe the worst.

I called Nemo to the room. First, he tried to tell me that it wasn't semen stains in my bed. Then, when he realized that that wasn't working, he told me that he didn't know who it was that had had sex in my bed. When I asked who had been at the party, his answer was "a bunch of people". He swore that it had not been him but wouldn't give me any more information. We argued, but it was pointless. I sent him out of the room, so I could go take my shower. In the bathroom, I also found used feminine products in the trash.

I was so overwhelmed by everything in my life: a new baby, a diabetic pregnancy, a husband who was confusing me with every word out of his mouth. I'm not a drama queen; I took my shower and filed the information away in my mind to deal with another time.

It was about 9:00 by the time everyone left that night. Nemo showered and got his bar clothes on. Throughout my pregnancy, he had been promising that he would be there when the baby was born, and now he was leaving again.

We argued for over an hour. He said that he just couldn't stay with Lucian and me. I was hysterical. I was in a great deal of pain, and I couldn't believe that he was going to leave us on Lucian's first night at home.

Callously, he left. I called my Mom because I didn't know what to do. She doesn't like to drive, but drove over at 11:30 pm to be with us. She knew that I needed the help.

I then went upstairs, put Lucian in his crib, and went to change the sheets on my bed. I was embarassed that my Mom might see. I still thought that Nemo might clean up his act and be the husband and father he should have been.

But that wasn't going to happen.

Birth

I thought it fitting to start my new blog with the story of my son, Lucian's, birth. It's not the beginning of my story, nor the end, just a piece in the middle. It's not even the beginning of his story, as his began years earlier too. But it's a good place to start.

The scene: I was 39 weeks pregnant, checking into the hospital for an induction. My husband, Nemo, had been slowly abandoning me over the course of the pregnancy and had not spent a night in our home with me in over a month.

I checked into the hospital after dinner. They did an ultrasound to make sure the baby wasn't breech and then sent me to my room. Nemo quickly left me for the night, after promising that he was going to be spending the night at home with the cats (which I later found out that he didn't). Before he left, the nurse took a picture of the two of us. Little did I know that it would be our last photo together.

I remember having "Desperate Housewives" on tv, but I couldn't pay attention. I couldn't stay focused. I couldn't imagine how my life was going to be, even 24 hours in the future. The fear of the unknown to come can be incredibly scary.

I slept briefly and fitfully. At 2:00 am, the nurse woke me up for a urine test. She came back at 4:00 and said I was spilling protein in my urine. So she hooked me up to an IV with a magnesium drip. She also inserted a catheter, which was extremely painful. I think it was inserted wrong, as I had a panic attack and had to be given oxygen. I never did calm down.

At 6:00 am, my doctor came in. He broke my water (I had no idea there'd be so much, or that it would be so warm) and took out the catheter since I was in tears. I got up and used the bathroom. The nurse wasn't pleased with me. She was mad at the doctor too since I wasn't supposed to be up out of bed with the magnesium. They also started the Pitocin around this time. It took about an hour before the contractions really got going. (In addition, I was on an insulin, glucose and penicillin drip. Even the nurses were confused by all of my tubing.)

By 8:00, I realized that if they continued progressing, I was going to need the drugs. Around 8:30, Mom and Dad and Nemo showed up. I requested the epidural.

By 10:00, I was a mess. The contractions kept coming, one on top of the other without a break between them. (No one bothered to tell me that that is what to expect with an induction.) I was crying, screaming, and pleading. I used all the kleenex in the room. My Mom kept saying, get the doctor in here, there's got to be something they can do for her. Finally, the anesthesiologist came in. I started to get excited. They had me turn my body so I was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had me lean over and untie my gown. Wait! A nurse came in the room and said that they hadn't run all the bloodwork on me that they should have run the night before. I waited. And waited. And W.A.I.T.E.D.... While in excruciating pain. I don't know how long it was, but it took awhile before they even drew my blood. They got the results back quickly, but it still took a couple of hours. Around noon, I finally got my epidural.

I spent most of the afternoon in a drugged state of bliss. I was able to get some sleep. I saw people come in and out of the room, but I couldn't tell you much about it. Every so often they'd check to see how dilated I was. I was slowly inching my way there. I tried to take my mind off of thinking about what a long night it was going to be. I hadn't even gotten anywhere near the pushing part of it. Something happened around 5:00 pm. The contractions started coming again. They were even more painful. I cried, I screamed, I squeezed my Mom's hand. I saw the faces of the people I loved; I could tell that it was difficult for them to watch. I thought my soul would leave my body. I tried to retreat to that place in your mind where everything is okay. Where it's physically, mentally and emotionally pain-free. I couldn't calm myself enough to focus on that place.

Around 7:00, the doctor came back and said that I wasn't progressing and that he felt the best option for me would be a c-section. I remember being so joyful that it might soon be over. A different anesthesiologist was sent in. She took a look at the epidural, only to find that it had fallen out. No wonder the pain had returned! She promised me that she'd be there the rest of the way, and that she'd make sure I was comfortable. After that, I was reasonably comfortable.

They wheeled me into surgery, explained everything, and then started. As I lay there awake, just watching all the doctors and nurses prepare for a new life to begin, I felt an incredible calm. One that I had not felt in a very long time. At nearly 8:00, they held my son up. I briefly saw him and the heaven-sent anethesiologist knocked me out.

That night, while Lucian slept in the nursery, they woke me every hour to test my blood sugar. I remember feeling my stomach, thinking how suddenly thin I was. And a little sad that the kicking I had been feeling for months wasn't going on in there anymore. It would be eighteen hours before I'd get to see or hold my son for the first time.

Two months later, I would be filing for divorce. I'd be planning our way out from a life I tolerated while pregnant because I didn't know what else to do. At that point, I didn't know alot of the story. It would be months before I discovered that my husband had been on the phone with his girlfriend, Elvira, twelve times that day. Twelve times. That's once an hour for every hour he was at the hospital. I'm not sure he spoke to me that many times that day. I didn't realize how much he was absent from the room. At one point when the doctor came in, Nemo was sleeping on the pullout couch. The doctor asked my Mom, "how can he sleep through that?" The that being me screaming. Nemo showed almost no involvement besides physically being there that day. His body was occupying space in the room, and that was it.

Looking back sixteen months later, I have mixed feelings about Lucian's birth. On the one hand, it was the most joyful, wonderful (and physically painful!) day of my life. On the other hand, it was emotionally painful. I had dry heaves when I found out that my husband had been on the phone with his girlfriend so many times. It pains me to think about it. The birth of a child should be surrounded by nothing but joy, and Nemo robbed me of that.

That wouldn't be the only thing he would rob me of.