Healing

It's an extremely slow process, but I'm making small strides in my life. I'm pleased to be able to report that after 3.5 years of staring at it on the shelf, I was finally able to undertake the task of updating Lucian's baby book.

I feel ridiculous saying that this was a monumental task for me. I mean, writing in a baby book? It's so silly. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Along the way, I had been jotting down notes: first tooth, first word, first step, etc. So all it took was for me to fill it all in.

Every time I tried to write things in, I'd feel such incredible anger about Lucian's first weeks and months where I was alone. When I'd think about what I wanted to say, it felt like everything I wanted to say was either a 'poor me' statement or filled with sarcasm.

Someday, I want Lucian to know the story surrounding his birth and the early stages of his life. But I want the story to be told factually, not with anger or bitterness. He'll be able to figure that out for himself.

So there I sat for 3 hours, writing and filling in the blanks in his book. Writing the facts and having it be about Lucian, and not about how my life didn't go as I planned. It's not done yet, but now it's not empty either.

Small strides.

Is winter over yet?

Recent happenings, in bullet points to keep it simple.

• I am pleased to say, that after my post 10 days ago, for the first time today Lucian did not ask for his pacifier. Hooray! (For the time being) I can stop worrying about his crooked teeth, and without the guilt of breaking his heart.
• It's been cold and snowy and icy for much too long now. We've been cooped up in the house and I'm stir crazy. The sun finally came out today and that helped a bit. I've been finding myself eating more and dreaming of napping all day long. Actually, I'd probably be happy if the temperature got above 20 so we could go outside. (I even have snowpants!)
• Speaking of eating more, I'm so discouraged about my weight. I have gained about 25 pounds since moving in with my parents over 2 years ago. And we eat more healthy meals here than I ever used to make for myself. So what's the problem? I'm eating at night. Bad things, mostly peanut butter. I know it's horrible and I beat myself up about it daily. But I can't find the power within myself to stop.
• My best friend, Arista's mother died recently. She suffered through a long illness so it wasn't a surprise. It's made me think a great deal about my own parents and how precious our time is. I'm so grateful for every day. And at the same time, I'm depressed as hell.
• Lucian has hit the point in his language development where he questions everything. I mean, everything. Today he asked me how the sun came out. He wanted to know where all the cars on the road were going, specifically. And what's the name of the person who lives in that house there? A few weeks ago in church, he said loudly - Momma, where's God? I want to see him! I never thought that I'd be having religious discussions with a 3 year old.
• Which brings me to Nemo. Things are fine, in case you're wondering. Lucian has asked me where daddy's going when we leave Nemo's parents' house. I'm not ready to tackle it yet, but sooner or later he's going to ask about Nemo's house and how come he's never been there. Or why he's never been in his car, or anywhere unsupervised with him. I'm definitely feeling a little more trusting in Nemo than even a year ago. But not entirely. And as much as I like where things are at, I still see the lying scheming crazy person that was him and may still be there. As I said, I can't think about it.
• Before I get too obsessive compulsive, I'm going to go to bed. I've got a new Maeve Binchy book awaiting me, and I'm excited to dive in.

Good-bye, friend

In the 3 years since Lucian's birth, I've never felt like I've disappointed him like I have in the past 24 hours.

I had to take away his pacifier.

The first night I had Lucian home from the hospital (the night when Nemo left me alone), my Mom came over and and took care of the baby so I could sleep. That night, she introduced him to the pacifier. We have joked that my Mom got him hooked, but the fact is, the pacifier saved my sleep and my sanity a great many times over the past 3 years. (And I place no blame on my mother.)

There was a time when I used to take 3 pacifiers and put them around his stuffed animal's limbs so that he could find them in his crib if he dropped one inadvertantly during the night. I used to carry them in my pockets, purses, even the cup holder in the car.

Last summer, I started weaning him down. Little by little, I told him that we couldn't take it with us in the car, that he had to leave it on the dresser when it wasn't nap time, and started explaining how it was going to give him crooked teeth.

We recently went to both the dentist and the pediatrician. They both said it needed to go ASAP.

I tried explaining it to him, and surprisingly he understood. But as bedtime would approach, he still craved the pacifier.

My Mom came up with the idea of the pacifier fairy who would come to take the pacifier and leave a gift. After lots of prepping, last night was the night. The pacifier fairy brought him a new stuffed animal to make it less scary, and I told him he could play with a train set from Christmas that we hadn't opened.

Today went surprisingly well. He took a nap with little problem and spent a good portion of the day playing with the train. And then it was bedtime.

We cried together over the loss. He's lost the thing he loves most in the world. I know it was the right thing to do, but I never considered how horrible I'd feel. I've done other things that have been in Lucian's best interest that haven't been pleasant (discipline and vaccination shots, for example) and I've always been able to remain unemotional about it. (I do admit though as a diabetic, it's a little hard for me to work up any sympathy for vaccination shots, or for parents that are so pained by having to submit their child to them.)

I feel like I've ripped his heart out, even if it was the right thing to do.

He'll melt your heart too

Last night, I put Lucian to bed around 8:00. I had the monitor on and all was quiet for 45 minutes. Then out of the blue I heard him announce - I love you Momma!

He called out 3 or 4 times. So I went into his room and he asked me to pick him up, so I did. He hugged me tightly, and quietly whispered - I love you forever and ever.

I love you forever and ever too, my little man.

It's late, and maybe I'm just tired

Tonight I had dinner with Nemo. With Lucian of course. For awhile now, we've had swim classes on Friday nights, and this week's class was cancelled. Nemo e-mailed me earlier in the week and asked if I'd like to go out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.

I should mention that not only was it one of our favorite restaurants, it's also somewhere that Nemo worked during high school, his parents are close family friends of the head chef, and friends of the owner. On top of that, it's also a banquet hall, and we had our wedding reception there.

So it's a nice place, with lots of memories. I wanted to say no, but I wasn't sure how to. We've both been working hard at finding solutions instead of creating problems, that I'm trying to honor innocent, easy requests. I mean, a dinner where you don't order at the counter? How could I refuse?

I hadn't been to this restaurant since my baby shower. When Lucian and I arrived, it was like my old life and new life colliding. I remembered all the good things, and those are just as painful for me. Sometimes I'm able to pretend that Nemo doesn't exist, like that part of my life never happened. I'm even able to avoid most of our old haunts, as my parents' house is far enough away that there are many other choices, without it seeming deliberate that I'm avoiding some place in particular.

I haven't updated my blog in forever, and now here I am rambling on and on about going to dinner on one night out of my entire life. It's not like I don't have dinner with Nemo once a week already. I'm bothered that a location bothers me. That a building or an idea of it, can hold so much power over me. I hate that. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to others or not, and I hate that my mind works this way.

(Side note: my grandparents moved out of state to live with an aunt in 1992. My aunt added a complete addition onto her house for them. They both died in 1994. In 2001, I visited for a cousin's wedding. I could not go into my grandparents' "apartment". It had been almost 7 years! It was just to painful for me even then. So this feeling is not new for me.)

Back to the dinner: I had a wonderful meal. Lucian was very well behaved (he doesn't usually even sit still for fast food.) The family friends were very kind to me. I can't think of one complaint, besides I left and just felt very sad.

There's an emptiness in me. Maybe it's a bit of self-pity, I don't know. I feel ridiculous that I've cried tonight over a restaurant. I guess I'm crying for my old life and I'm not sure why, because it wasn't authentic or true. It was a lie, and I'm better for knowing it. My new life is full of love, happiness, truth, and peace. Why am I so sad?

I was going to end there, but I don't want to end this post so depressing. So I'll tell you what happened on the way home. It's about a 30-35 minute drive through suburbia. With Mr. Non-stop-talker in the back seat:

Look Mama! School bus! Look Mama! big truck! Look Mama! Buh-geh King! Mama Buhgeh King! Look Mama! Pia! (pizza) Pia! Eat pia! Look Mama! Mahdonnal's! Hambuhgeh!

Maybe I should be scared that he's such a big fan of fast food, but it's so darn cute. I feel better already.

Moving on... slowly

I hate bloggers like me. You get you all involved in their stories, and then they fade out of existence.

The truth is, I think about my blog every day. Multiple times. Because not only am I obsessive, I am guilt ridden about mostly everything. (I'm a therapist's dream!)

Lucian is keeping me very busy these days. He's intelligent, intense, demanding, and full of energy. I adore him (of course!) and I enjoy every minute with him, but I'm not able to accomplish things while he's in my presence. Things like laundry, cleaning, etc. have to wait until he's asleep. Add to it my e*bay selling, and there's not much time left. I haven't had good success getting Lucian to play by himself for long. He will watch videos (certain videos at certain times) which months ago I couldn't get him interested in. Actually, he was interested, just more interested in his toys.

We play trains quite a bit. It's still his favorite. The other day, he asked me to play - Mama, play choo choo's? Please! I was cleaning the kitchen and told him to wait a few minutes. So he calls out to my Dad (his favorite train playing companion by far because my Dad indulges him more than anyone) who was trying to get dressed. Then he called out to my Mom, who was doing her hair. When none of us were takers, he asked the dog. In the most serious, pleading voice. He cracks me up every day.

My Dad's job is in jeopardy. We're not sure if his company is selling or closing, but something is happening and he might not have a job one way or the other come next month. We're all trying to be positive about it. He's on insulin now (and doing wonderfully) but that may affect his job choices in the future. It's out of my hands, and I'm just trying to keep the faith that things work themselves out one way or the other.

I'm sure you're wondering - what about Nemo? I wish I had been keeping a better record of events, conversations and feelings, because I can see the point I was at before, and the place I'm at now, but I'm not quite sure how to draw the line between the two.

I'm doing an unbelievable job at forgiveness. Basically what I've done is said - I am forgiving Nemo, and I've been repeating it any time I feel anything negative. There's still a lot of things that I can't think about because they hurt too much. Just this week, after a friend started talking about feeling her baby kicking, I painfully remembered that I could not get Nemo to place his hand on my stomach when I first felt kicking from the outside. While both my parents and my sister fought for a good spot, Nemo was half way across the room, barely able to pay attention. He never once felt the baby kick. I can't think about it because these things hurt me down to my soul. When I get down about these feelings, I put it out of my mind and pick myself up again. Some days it's easier than others. One day the jolt of pain won't be so severe.

Things have been a gazillion times better than they were just a year ago. Nemo has apologized to me. He's admitted that he threw our life together away. He's taken full responsibility for his actions. He's admitted to verbally and mentally abusing me. He's been working with me, instead of against me. He's shared some things with me that I can't say to the public, but let's just say that there were things in his life that he never told me about, that I have sympathy for. He's getting professional help, has made better decisions, and I believe is trying to turn his life around. I am happy for him and wish him the best. I hope that he'll turn the mess of his life into something positive.

With all these good changes, I still know of some recent lies. He's not 100% honest with me. I still worry about Lucian in his care. I was blind to a great many things about Nemo and I'm now seeing some of these things through different eyes. I guess it's a mother's job to worry. With Lucian talking more and more, it will only get easier because I'll be able to communicate with him about his safety. Hopefully that will be enough to help him make good choices when he's around Nemo.

About a month ago, Nemo and I took Lucian to a train event. We spent the day at a local tourist park, riding the train, having lunch together, and walking around seeing the sites. I think I can speak for all of us, it was a good time. I'd still rather not have Nemo in my life, but since he is, I'm going to make the best of it. And I'll admit, it was nice having someone else's help chasing Lucian. I've missed Nemo, my friend, and I think I have that person back. Maybe not in the same way or same form, but it's not uncomfortable between us. Looking at us, you'd never know that we weren't a happy couple with a toddler. I'm trying to look at it like he's a new person. My new friend, Nemo. A friendship with boundaries. And then I get to go home with my son and have my own life.

You've waited over a month for this?

I've been a bad blogger. I have no excuse, just busy-ness. I've been caught up in the stuff of everyday life, instead of some of the drama I was before. It's been all good stuff.

There's been alot going on, especially in regards to Nemo. But I'm up too late as it is, so I'm going to have to come back another day. (I promise!!)

Since you've waiting such a very long time for this post (that's really nothing but a hey I'm alive! post) I'm publishing a photo of Lucian.

It was taken about a month ago. We had quite a bit of snow this winter, and this is when it was just starting to melt. He had a blast putting his footprints all along the sidewalk. He was fascinated, saying "Lucian, footprint!" all the way to the front door.

Little Lord Fauntleroy's Mother

Late one night a few weeks ago, my Mom caught an old movie on one of those classics channels. It was all she talked about for days afterwards. She told me that I had to see this movie, Little Lord Fauntleroy, that there was a lesson in it for me. So we bought the movie and watched it together yesterday.

I won't go into the play by play, because this isn't a movie review. But the basics of the story go like this: In New York, father dies, son is summoned by grandfather in England to carry on legacy, son and mother move to England, mother gets to live in a fabulous house, but not with son who lives in castle with evil grandfather, son is so amazing because of his mother's love that grandfather adores son, and at the end of the movie the grandfather realizes that the reason he adores the son so much is because of the mother, even though he's pretended that she doesn't exist.

It's strange for me to be affected by a movie. Usually they're just entertainment for me, and I don't take away much. (unlike books that will haunt me for weeks and years afterward)

I haven't sorted through all my feelings, and I can't seem to figure it all out, so this is really rough of how I feel. So please excuse my ramblings. I hope to someday make sense of this and I've been fearful to put it on my blog because I'm afraid of how crazy it will make me seem.

So here it is: Nemo and his parents have treated me like I was the slave girl who gave birth to their heir. They have under minded me from day one, telling me that I'm feeding or bathing or dressing Lucian wrong, not enough or too much. They have in general made me feel unimportant and just the vessel that brought Lucian here - needed for the nine months of pregnancy, but obsolete now.

Admittedly, I gave away a lot of my power. I felt threatened and confused and suffered low self confidence. Nemo's parents would make some demand, and I'd have to follow through, as Nemo had rights and at the time, he was very unstable for me to deal with. It was easier for me to bite my tongue than start more arguments or get Nemo involved.

Even after the divorce was settled, after all my therapy, I've still felt threatened. Like I've needed to spend every waking hour of Lucian's life with him to prove to everyone that... what? He's mine? I'm the mother? I'm in control? I don't know and I can't seem to articulate it, even now. I've pushed myself into almost unreasonable motherhood - even women with ten children get more breaks or feel less burden and guilt than I do.

I feel like I worked so hard and so long to get pregnant ($30,000 + 3 years), stay pregnant (diabetic and stressful pregnancy where I was virtually alone, arguing and fighting with Nemo all the time, not understanding anything my life was becoming and then lying about it to everyone else), and have the baby (again alone, filing for divorce with a 2 month old, taking care of a newborn almost entirely by myself) that I feel like I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor and good luck that has been bestowed upon me. A baby! It's my wildest dream, and I'm living it. I don't want anyone taking this away from me. Especially crazy in-laws who thought it was okay that their son ran off with a stri*pper.

Even as I'm writing this, I realize that a good portion of this sounds unreasonable, or unrealistic. I know what you're thinking: you've had the great fortune of having a baby, one who's healthy and beautiful, and you're threatened by a non-sperm donor father(?) figure and his insane family by the few hours they spend with him a week? And my answer would be yes, crazy as that sounds. Irrational as even I know it sounds, I can't help feeling it anyway.

Okay, back to the movie. It really should have been titled Little Lord Fauntleroy's Mother because she's the reason her son is who he is. In it, the mother never speaks bad of the grandfather, and in fact does the opposite. What happens is not that the son realizes that the grandfather is an evil man, but the grandfather realizes how evil he is and changes. I want to strive to be like that mother. I want to not speak poorly about Nemo and his family (except to the whole internet of course!) I want Lucian to not be stuck in the middle of my drama. I don't want him to know my true feelings about Nemo's family or why. And when he eventually hears our story someday, I want him to know that his mother's love has carried him through.

I've got such a long way to go.

Another list

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't been blogging, because things have been pretty good and I don't want to jinx it. I've also reached a level of acceptance (a low level for sure!) and a lot of the time I feel it's just easier to forge ahead than work through old stuff. Plus I've been busy.

I hate to make a list, but I'm a list person. And any post is better than no post at all, right?

1. Lucian suddenly wants people to play with him every waking moment. While this is quite charming, it's frustrating not to be able to accomplish anything with him in the room. Plus he hasn't mastered the skill of sharing. But he's darling and so excited that I can't say no to his requests - "Mama, play!" He's also been saying things like - "Mama driving. Papa's car. Lucian backseat." It's such a riot. He tells stories like that all day. My favorite is when he's taking a bath - "Lucian pen*is. Mama no. Papa pen*is."

2. My sister got engaged. This might merit a whole blog on its own. (just kidding) I am extremely happy for her. That being said, I'm getting annoyed with everyone (my sister, friends and even Nemo if you can believe it) ask me how I'm taking the news. I'm happy, excited, thrilled. I hope she gets her happy ending. Because there is such stress put on me that I'm not as excited as I should be, I just don't know how to act. I'm so frustrated. This wedding has nothing to do with me [besides being sister of the bride and matron/maid (do I get to be a maid again, or how does that work anyway?) of honor], it's really about my sister and her fiance. I've been telling everyone I'm fine. I had my dream wedding day. Now please leave me alone and tell me where to buy the dress and what time you want me there.

3. My relationship with Nemo is still improving. It's reminding me of how it is with an old college room mate - familiar but reserved. He took Lucian, my mom and me out to dinner tonight. It was a grand gesture for him. I'm still reminded of my old Nemo and it still hurts. But I'm doing okay.

4. Speaking of which, I feel pretty darn good. Most of the time. I have lots of energy, which I have been pouring into listing lots of junk on that auction site I hate to mention. I'm even toying with the idea of opening a store. Have no idea where I'd get that kind of inventory but it's the first thing (besides Lucian) that I've been excited about in a long time.

5. I applied for a job this week that I really really want. It's part time with benefits, close to home, similar to a company I worked for before, doing something I could really handle. I worked really hard on my resume and cover letter - I hope it pays off. It would give me everything I need - to be close to home and Lucian to have control over that part of my life, health insurance, money, etc etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even though I've been disappointed by these kind of things many times before.

6. I'm not sure if it's my new pills or what, but my blood sugars have been all out of whack. I used to take about 35 units of insulin/day, now I'm up closer to 45. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it does. It took me weeks to tweak my basals so I could even come close to normal numbers. I don't know why I fight it so much. I just hate seeing my basals go from 18 units/day to 28.

7. I have a shopping day planned with my mom tomorrow. I'm dropping Lucian off with Nemo's mom and I'm getting out for the day. Nemo told me that Lucian begs Nemo's mom to play trains with him all day. That vision has been keeping a smile on my face because she's not one to get down on the floor and play. So it's gotta be a long day for her with him there.

8. Something else about Lucian. He climbed out of his crib for the first time the other day. I went in to get him one morning and he was sleeping on the floor with three pacifiers lined up next to him, and the picture of him and me moved on the dresser. I cracked up. Until I realized that he's not entirely safe anymore. He can get out of his crib. That petrifies me.

I want to write a big long meaningful post sometime soon. I've got lots of thoughts in my head just not the time to write them.

I have high hopes for 2007 though. It's going to be a better year.

Lots of miscellaneous stuff

In no particular order, random happenings...

I think I've had more internet traffic find my blog by searching "cut my hair short" or "chopped hair" than anything else I've ever written. Maybe I need to change my tagline?

Nemo came over tonight, and dare I say, all things considered, it went well. We laughed about some things that happened in the past, and he also fixed one of Lucian's toys. I can not forget all the hideous things he's done, but I will say that I'm tolerating him better. That's as generous as I can be.

I took Lucian to see Santa this week. Last year, he had a meltdown sitting on Santa's lap (all three times!) This year, he sat patiently, and although he was acting more shy than usual, he smiled for the camera. He pronounces Santa as aah-kah and it cracks me up each time he says it.

I also took Lucian for his two year photos. He did wonderfully. I had many great photos to choose from. I also had a coupon (a really great coupon) so I was able to order more pictures and not feel guilty about the cost. When I took Lucian for his nine month photos, the photographer made me feel guilty, even when I explained that I was on a strict budget. Feeling horrible, I cried the whole way home in the car that day. Anxiety drugs + awesome coupon + preparation for the guilt + in charge of my own money instead of having a negative bank balance = a much better experience.

Lucian had his two year doctor appointment too. His height is 90th percentile, weight 50th and head size 25th. He's tall and skinny with a small head. What can I say? I'm short, not thin, and have a larger head. I'm so glad that his size seems to be similar to my father's, or perhaps his donor father. The doctor was also impressed with the number of words he's saying, and his understanding of shapes and colors. He's a sharp kid, but I work hard with him too. Having someone else (especially someone with an MD after her name) say great things about your child is the best that it gets.

I have a good deal of my Christmas shopping completed. I'm that person who always starts early (like September), but can't find the perfect gift until the last minute (my poor decision making skills at work). My brother and sister and I agreed to a $10 budget, and it was much easier than I thought it would be. I've bought mostly trains for Lucian, and a tricycle that he already found and tried to ride. I also bought a matching one for my God daughter. I feel less pathetic this Christmas - I'm sure alot of that is due to my wonderful anti-depressants.

Does anyone besides me think Tivo is a burden? I get so backed up with shows that I have to start deleting things that are least important so I can keep the more important ones. I really want to watch everything I tape - I have such good intentions, but not so many hours to be camped out in front of the tv.

I've been having a horrible time with my blood sugars. I can't seem to figure out why I'm having quite so many highs with no reason. I've increased my basals and boluses and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have a history of increasing my insulin and gaining weight from being hungry, so I'm more conservative than I should be because I'm scared of that viscious circle. I'm already heavier than I should be.

Speaking of which, my parents bought an ice cream machine and my Mom is now making homemade ice cream just because it's fun. I have too much of a sweet tooth to not take part in our family ritual of dessert.

I saw a friend and her husband argue this weekend, and it made me realize that there are some definite benefits to being single. Besides having the bed to myself or not having to share Tivo that is (that Tivo burden is mine alone!) I realized that right now I'm so glad that I only have to worry about myself and Lucian. And that one day Lucian will grow up. I often was a parent to my husband, and although I miss being part of a couple, I'm so glad that right now it's all about me and how I want to run things. I don't miss making lunches, insisting he take his medicine, picking up after him, reminding him that it's trash day, trying to make important decisions with no input from him, or watching what he wants on tv. I don't even have to consider his feelings at all.

Well I gotta go. Tivo is awaiting.

My heart

My dearest Lucian,

Happy Birthday - today you turned 2.

Two years ago you came into my life, but now I can't remember clearly a day that you weren't in it. Everything that happened to me before you came along seems rather empty. I wonder where I found joy? And hope and inspiration?

It hasn't been an easy couple of years for me. So much in my life has changed from the way it was, the way I thought it would be. You're being raised in a completely different (and way better) environment. I have often felt that you are the only thing that kept my head above water during the heartache in my life.

I love you more than I ever could have imagined. Did I ever even know what love was before you? While I was pregnant, I feared the unknown. Not knowing your other biological parent left 50% of you up to chance. That scared me. But from the moment I set my eyes upon you, I knew who you were: the light of my life. Even now, there's little I know about the other half of your genetics.

A few weeks ago, we went to a party, and you were the only one dancing. Twirling and marching, laughing and dancing your heart out while a crowd gathered to watch. I had a vision of what your grandmother was like as a child.

Every night, you have a bath, get your pajamas on, have a bottle while we read books, then you "march" to your room, grab your blanket and your pacifier that you lined up just-so on your dresser and put your arms out to be picked up so you can go to bed. You're so deliberate in your actions, following our routine with such precision, that we call you a mini-me version of your grandfather.

And when you smile! You smile with your eyes, just like me. I see my own reflection in your face. You have the charm of your uncle. When you flash one of your smiles, people melt and are under your spell forever. You have the sweetness of your aunt. A charitable, kind, loving disposition that I wish I had myself.

I'm just as fascinated by your genetics that I can't attribute to anyone. Where did your nose come from? Your defined jawline? Your huge feet? Every day it's like I'm unwrapping a present and I can't wait to see what's coming next.

I'm thrilled to be a part of your life. I consider myself blessed and too fortunate for my own good to be your mother. I am honored and humbled that in all the world of parents and children, eggs and sperm, that we found each other.

Today and everyday before and after, you are my heart.

Love, Mom

I'm still alive

I've been terribly busy lately. I've been thinking a lot about posting, but haven't had the time or energy to do it. Especially to do it without sounding pathetic, depressed, or God forbid, like I'm throwing myself a pity party.

So in no particular order, here's what I've been up to:

1. Selling things on the famous auction site that I won't mention by name. I've sold a bunch of Lucian's clothes. Not that I'm really making any money with all the fees they charge, but even a few dollars means something when you're jobless, right? Plus I'm getting rid of some clutter.

2. I chopped my hair off. I've had long hair since 8th grade, when I had a horrible "boy" cut that I detested. After that, I never had the guts to cut it short. I've been feeling for awhile now that I need some kind of change, any change, just to prove I can do it. So I did it. Seven whole inches. Now my hair is just a hair (ha ha) below my chin. I love it. I feel like I've lost ten pounds. (Nemo used to like my hair long, which was another reason for doing it.)

3. Lucian has been talking nonstop. Something just snapped in him one day. He's now repeating everything. And naming everything. He likes to take a roll call. At dinner, he'll go - Papa, Gigi, Mama, Oy (which is what he calls himself. I'll say - where's Lucian? And he'll say - Oy! and point to himself. And then I'll say - where's Oy? And again he points to himself.) If I ask him who's here, he names us all plus the pets. It's a riot.

4. My new medications are working well. One of the new ones I'm on is helping with my obsessiveness. I'm finding that things that would upset me before aren't bothering me quite so much. I'm not reacting quite the same way. I'm spending a fortune on doctor's bills and medications, but I don't care, because I think there might actually be an end to the fog in my head.

5. Nemo asked me about the holidays and I didn't freak out (much). We came up with a plan. One that I can live with. Have I mentioned that Nemo has been MIA for Lucian's first two Christmases? This year he's suddenly turned into Father Christmas.

6. Lucian's birthday is coming up. I wasn't able to do anything for his first birthday due to circumstances and finances. I'm having a party to which I haven't invited Nemo or his family. I feel wonderful about it. I still can't afford to do much, but that's okay. It will be a party nonetheless.

7. I think I've mentioned before that my Mom is an artist. The holidays are where she makes the majority of her income. I've always helped where I could, which is to say, not very much. This year, she's doing something that my left brain can participate in. Every night that we're not too exhausted, I've been helping her. Hopefully she'll make lots of money. I think helping her has helped me mentally focus too. Helping other people is always more helpful for yourself. Words to live by.

What a week

I've been sick this week, and my parents have been out of town so I've been on my own taking care of Lucian. I thought many times about taking a moment to update my blog, but just didn't have the energy. (and I actually did try once, but Blogger wouldn't let me.)

I believe I just have a cold, but it's been in my head and sinuses, and making my world seem fuzzy. Emotionally too it's been a hard few weeks for me. I've been feeling so defeated and unmotivated. I'm going to be returning to my doctor soon because I think I need some medication changes.

Lucian has started stringing words together. I'm amazed by everything he says - "birthday party" "mama coat" "bye-bye doggie" stuff like that. He's also learned the power of the word "no!" which has caused some power struggles between us. Since he hasn't figured out the concept of choices, he basically says no to everything, even if he really wants it.

Nemo has informed me that he's starting group therapy for "something that happened before he met me". I have no idea if this is a lie, the truth, or somewhere in between. I'd love if he were getting therapy for something, but I've learned enough from the past that he tells convenient lies. I'm sure he knew that I'd buy into an idea about him getting some kind of help.

I've started receiving hang up calls again. I believe that it's Elvira. I don't know of any telemarketers that call and hang up at 9:30 on a Saturday night. And really, the point of a telemarketer is to talk to you, not hang up.

Most days Lucian and I go on a walk with my Dad and the dog. My parents have an exercise bike which I've recently started using. I haven't lost any weight, nor am I feeling any better, but I feel like I could feel better. At least I'm trying.

I used to crochet quite a bit, and my Mom has been at me to start again. I finally took her suggestion and started a blanket. I don't feel the passion I once did, but as with everything else, I'm hoping to change my thinking by changing my actions. Even if it's not working yet.

Last week I saw my endocrinologist. My A1C is at 7.0. Considering my stress, it's a number I can live with, but not one that I'm happy with. Luckily, my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect, so I didn't leave the office feeling bad about everything. He gave me two bottles of insulin samples too, which is a huge help considering my $50/prescription price tag that I can hardly afford.

I'm off to try and take a rest before Lucian is up from his nap.

Breakdown

Prior to two and a half years ago, I used to handle stress pretty well. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason why I've turned into a total basket case. Maybe it's all the reasons put together: pregnancy, baby, divorce, moving, trust issues, joblessness, etc. Any little thing can be the straw that broke my camel's back. The snap that makes my life seem unbearable.

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.

I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.

I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.

The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)

So here's what I found out:

1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.

2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.

3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.

4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)

5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.

After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.

I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.

I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?

A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.

And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)

What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)

I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.

I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.

I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.

I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?

I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.

This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.

The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.

No news

I haven't posted in a few days because I feel like I have nothing (interesting) to say. I can't seem to wrap my mind around one thing that I'd like to write about. At least about things happening in the present.

There are past events that I'd like to write about, but I'm not in the right mental frame of mind to do it just now.

So here's a brief update what's been happening this week:

Lucian is doing well. He can now repeat the alphabet letter for letter, and is really working hard at trying new words.

Nemo is being his usual (insert expletive here) self. He's so inappropriate at times, it drives me crazy. He e-mailed a picture of Lucian to me, writing - doesn't it look like he's about to do something bad? Maybe I just take offense at everything he says and does, but really, are any two year olds bad? The picture was of Lucian smiling in his car seat.

I've been having a difficult time with my blood sugars again. I'm going to the endocrinologist next week. Maybe he can snap me back into where I need to be.

The weather is becoming increasingly dreary. Today has a nap written all over it. I think the weather may be a factor in my somewhat sour mood.

Here's to tomorrow being a more focused day!

Birthday party

Imagine feeling so anxious about a child's birthday that you have to take a double dose of your anti-anxiety medication.

That's what I did yesterday.

Lucian and I were invited to Nemo's cousin's daughter's birthday party. More specifically, the birthday girl was the daughter of Lucian's godfather.

All of Nemo's family was going to be there. The only reason I agreed to go was because the cousin and the godfather have both made an effort to befriend me. Oh, and the second smaller reason that I didn't want Nemo fighting me for this time - I thought it would just be easier to attend.

As is the case with most of my anxieties, there wasn't much reason for it. The party went smoothly. And besides my annoyance with my ex-mother-in-law because she wouldn't let Lucian come to me when he hit his head, I didn't have an awful time.

Nemo's dad never looked at me or said a word to me, just sat on the couch like a lump. None of the uncles greeted me either. It's amazing how childish sixty year old men can be. I was pleasantly surprised that two of the male cousins who have mostly ignored me in the past two years came up to me and hugged me hello.

What counts the most is that Lucian had a wonderful time. They have every toy known to man at their house and he was in his glory. He was sent home with balloons too - it just doesn't get any better than that for him.

The universe is trying to tell me something

Lucian's sick again. It's a nasty cold this time. He spent the first day of the funeral with my god-daughter, who also has a cold. The awake time wouldn't be so bad if he'd sleep well at nap and bedtime.

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but tonight was supposed to be our first swimming class. I wanted to sign Lucian up but I'm a little afraid of the water myself, so I thought it would be perfect if Nemo could get in the water with him. Up until today, Nemo has sounded excited about it.

This morning, I decided that the swimming class was out for tonight. I was disappointed since it's the first class and all. But I wouldn't want someone bringing their sick kid to class. So I e-mailed Nemo and told him that we weren't going.

An hour later, he called me. He is sick too. He's got some infection that is resistant to antibiotics that shows itself with boils and pus. Nice. Just what I want my almost two year old exposed to. Even if Lucian weren't sick, he'd have backed out. (I got my bathing suit out a few days ago in anticipation that Nemo wouldn't be joining us - I just had this feeling.)

(Sidetrack: wondering what to do about Nemo's illness and how to keep Lucian away from him. Nemo's going back to the doctor, so maybe I shouldn't worry too much. But I probably will anyway. And Nemo said that his sores started yesterday, around the same time he was getting directions to the pool from me. Why didn't he mention anything then?)

Back to the first story. So then, an hour after Nemo's call, I received another phone call. The parks and rec dept was calling to say that the instructor is sick and we'll start next week.

Three separate reasons for not going to the swim class. That's enough of a sign for me.

Milestones

Lucian has reached two verbal milestones in the past week.

First, he said his first sentence: Gigi, play. (Gigi is grandma, my mother) My Mom was so thrilled that she obeyed his command and ran into the next room to play with his trains.

Second, he said his first two syllable word without a repeat (like Gigi or Mama): birthday. It sounds more like bood-day because he hasn't mastered r's or th's yet.

This has been a hard week out of a long year for me. I'm dragged down by other things, most that I'm too sad and depressed about to write about. (because it might bring me down further) So I'm glad that I have something cheerful about which to write.

My son is a joy. Soon he'll be discovering his world in brand new ways, and he'll be able to speak about it.

That's definitely worth writing about.

Odds and ends

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now, so I'm going to try and give updates on a few topics.

1. Nemo
Nemo continues to surprise me. I can never seem to figure out what comes next with him. Last week, he missed a parenting time night, and then I didn't hear from him all weekend. Then on Monday, he ended up meeting my Mom, Lucian and I for dinner with the #1 engine. He didn't give me notice that he was coming, but I had previously invited him. We had a nice evening, and later e-mailed me to tell me that he had fun, and he had missed my Mom. (!!!???) He sees my Mom every time we drop Lucian off, and never even greets her.

Then, just this morning, I get an e-mail from Nemo giving me his 24 hour parenting time notice, and he tells me - by the way, you looked nice in that shirt you were wearing last night. Um, was that a compliment? He repulses me so much that it creeps me out. He's probably just trying to set me on edge.

I also found out that he gave his ex-gf (not Elvira) the ability to see some photos on-line that I had taken of Lucian at our train dinner. I removed them, because I don't like knowing that the shady people he hangs out with are looking at photos of my kid. I'm sure it's an over-reaction on my part. If he had asked me, I probably would have just said yes. If anyone knows of a good photo sharing web based program that you can limit people's rights, I'd love to know about it.

2. My grandma
I went with my Mom to visit GM this morning. She doesn't look good, and it's difficult to have a conversation with her, but my Mom said that she looked better than yesterday. They are running all sorts of tests on her to try and figure out what else is wrong with her in addition to the cancer. In my opinion, I think they should spend the time, money and effort just trying to make her comfortable because there's not really much they can do for her anyway.

3. The job hunt
I've started taking the job search a little more seriously. No luck yet, but I have sent a few resumes out. And right now, that's a big deal for me. I applied for a job that's so close to home that I could walk. It's literally at the end of my street. I think it would be a good opportunity, something I could feasibly do, good benefits, good hours, and did I mention that it's close to home? I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime I've been selling some stuff on eb*ay, which is helping me have some extra spending money.

4. Nemo's brother
A few weeks ago, I was disappointed that Nemo wasn't leaving the state. Well as luck would have it, his brother has been offered a job, and he will be leaving the state. This means lots of trips for Nemo's family to take! And even though I've lost respect for his brother, I'm happy for him too. It's a win-win for everyone!

5. Lucian goes to school
My sister is a teacher and I took Lucian to her classroom for a visit. The kids were so excited, and so was he. I was so proud of my sister - she was authoritative and kind, fun and stern. I enjoyed seeing her in action and seeing how the students reacted to her.

6. My insulin pump
I chose the Deltec Cozmo for a few reasons, one of them being I liked the clip and how it could be rotated like a cell phone. Then, my clip broke. They sent me a new one. That one broke too, and when I got the replacement, I got a leather case. It's nicer than the clip, but I don't like it. I liked the old plastic clip where I didn't have to open the case all the time. I've been dealing with the leather case for awhile now, but when I called to reorder more supplies, I asked them if I could get one of the old clips. They no longer have the old clips, so I ordered this one, which if you ask me, seems really similar to the old clip except this one costs $19.99.

I'm off for now to do some more job searching!

Hopeful

I'm feeling better today. I started taking the new medication this morning, and although the doctor told me it would start working immediately (not like the anti-depressants I take that take weeks and months), I was doubtful. But surprisingly, something in me feels different. In a good way.

And while I still realize that nothing has changed since yesterday, I feel hopeful. Not hopeful in that I'm expecting great things to happen. Just a switch from feeling hopeless and indifferent to maybe things could be better.

Optimistic.

Nemo came over to see Lucian again this morning. I hate myself for saying this, but I always was and still am a reactor to his moods. So when his mood is good, I'm good. When he stirs up trouble, I feel awful. I HATE that. And I'm trying to work on changing it.

We had a nice visit. Went for a walk and played with Lucian's toys. It's been good for me to watch their interaction. No drama, just a play date. I'm filled with relief.

There's a church sign I recently saw that said something like - blessings can't be received with a closed fist. It was one of those things that haunted me every time I'd drive by when I was clenching the steering wheel. Today I realized that through the miracle of prescription drugs, my hand was open. Ready to receive blessings.

Hopeful.