Giving peace a chance

I recently attended the 2nd wedding of a friend. (A year ago, I was surprised to hear that she was seriously dating less than three months after her husband filed for divorce, and long before it was final.) She's happy, so I'm happy for her.

It was a fun wedding and even though I'm not feeling particularly good about my body image lately, I got lots of comments on my new short hair (that my Mom cut!! shhhh!) and my new glasses that were a big step for me in a much edgier direction (and I love the change!) I wore a maternity outfit (see that's how big I've gotten!) and I got compliments on it too. I got hit on by a 26 year old so all in all it was a good night.

But it got me thinking about if I were to ever get married again. And while I don't feel much more datable than I did a year ago, I've come far in many other ways. For one, my relationship with Nemo. My friend's ex-husband was understandably absent, but I realized that if it had been my wedding, I'd have invited Nemo. I haven't forgiven him completely, but nearly. We have dinner together (with Lucian and my family) at least once a week. We're nowhere near being best friends, but I'm content with our interactions. And even though I still have anxiety about the future, it no longer consumes me.

I left the wedding feeling good about the path that I've chosen. I'm so glad that I've been working towards forgiveness. I don't regret a single moment where I've put my son first. I'm still not ready to start dating, but I feel hopeful that life is going to work out the way that it should.

Moment by moment, I'm happy. It's when I think of the past or the future that I get anxious. (I try to stay in the present as much as possible.) Leaving this wedding, the strangest sensation came over me: I saw a glimmer of peace waiting for me down the road. I've tried to remain hopeful throughout the past three years but I haven't succeeded nearly as much with hopefulness as I have with forgiveness.

Until now, and it feels pretty darn good.

Readiness

Tonight I found out that my friend who filed for a divorce about three months ago, is dating someone.

I'm conflicted for two reasons:

First, for her kids. (but since I didn't hear this from her directly, I don't know much about it, and I'm going to assume that she is not introducing this new person to her children yet. I like to think that she has their best interests in mind.) So I'm not going to address this issue.

Second, because I feel left behind. In my own life. My reasoning for not dating is because for the time being, my son is the most important thing. I'm trying to give him the most solid foundation that I can, and right now (for me, anyway) I feel that I'm doing the right thing. I want to get our lives on track before I introduce someone new into it. (maybe even more importantly, I want to get my life on track before I introduce someone new into it.)

I can't help but wonder, how is my friend able to get on with her life so quickly? Before the papers are finalized and signed? How? Why am I not ready? Why is she?

The conflict that I'm having is that I really do want to have someone in my life. I want that fairy tale happy ending too. (heck I just want a little less of a bumpy ride along the way) But I don't feel very datable right now - I wouldn't want to date me. (You know that whole, you've gotta love yourself before others can thing.)

It's hard sitting on the sidelines. Even if you know you're not ready to get into the game.

Breakdown

Prior to two and a half years ago, I used to handle stress pretty well. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason why I've turned into a total basket case. Maybe it's all the reasons put together: pregnancy, baby, divorce, moving, trust issues, joblessness, etc. Any little thing can be the straw that broke my camel's back. The snap that makes my life seem unbearable.

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.

I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.

I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.

The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)

So here's what I found out:

1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.

2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.

3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.

4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)

5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.

After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.

I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.

I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?

A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.

And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)

What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)

I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.

I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.

I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.

I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?

I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.

This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.

The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.

Divorce sucks

Today I heard from a friend that she's going to be getting a divorce. Her husband told her that he wants out of the marriage, that he no longer loves her. She doesn't think that there's another woman in the picture. But I don't believe that.

Truth be told, myself and some others thought their marriage was heading towards divorce for awhile now. They've had some problems that have been obvious to others, although not so obvious to them, I guess.

My heart goes out to her. I recognize many of the feelings that she's experiencing. Her life as she knows it is ending.

Eighteen months ago, when I told her that I had filed for divorce, I also told her about Nemo having very little contact with Lucian. That he had no interest, and had told me that Lucian would be living with me. What she told me then was - but he's his father! Of course, you'll both be splitting time with Lucian. I remember being incredibly upset, thinking about my helpless two month old spending time with my helpless, drug using, str*ipper loving, evil, idiot husband. I couldn't bare it.

So today I asked her what she thought was going to happen to her three kids. She said - they'll be staying with me, and I doubt that he'll really want to spend any time with them, since he hardly sees them now. I didn't say anything, because I remember still how hurt her comment made me. But the fact is, once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain, he'll be interested in them too. And legally, he has every right.

I fought for Lucian, because I love him. Because I want what's best for him, for his safety, his emotional and physical well being. Nemo only fights when he thinks it will get him something in return, or to hurt me. And sadly, this is his legal right too.

Divorce really sucks. No one wins. Then again, infertility sucks, diabetes sucks, but somehow I've come out on the other side alive from all this stuff. I've made my peace with diabetes. I'm nearly successful with infertility, and I'm trying hard to find peace with the divorce.

I'm a symbol of hope for her. Hope that things do get better with time. Hope that the painfulness will subside. I still have a long way to go, and I'm thankful to be where I am now, rather than where I was even a year ago.

Even having hope, it still sucks.

Successful day

Today was the day of the party, the one I had the panic attack about. All my worrying was for nothing. It was a successful day.

I first took Lucian over to Arista's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys, then Arista, Lucian and I drove to the party.

Nemo met us in the driveway, as was my request. He had to borrow my sippy cup, because even though I had reminded him, he had brought nothing for Lucian.

Arista and I went shopping. I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing, for less than $4. I also bought myself a cute top for $7. We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids.

Then we picked up Lucian. Nemo again met us in the driveway. Lucian's godfather (a cousin... I'll have to tell that particular story soon) and Nemo's aunt (not the one whose house it was) met us too. Nemo's aunt was so kind, she said that she wanted me to come over and see her, that she didn't care about everything that had happened, she just wanted to see me. She was one of the ones I really miss. I told her that Nemo's family had made everything so awkward. Lucian's godfather was equally wonderful. We talked for a few minutes, and then left.

Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap. He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath. But he arrived home in one piece, and seemingly unscarred.

So I have nothing to complain about today.

Patterns

Have you ever noticed a pattern in your life? My Mom has found a pattern in mine, which I can't seem to figure out.

I had a best friend in high school. Let's call her BF#1. We were inseparable for most of our freshman and sophomore year. During one of the spirit weeks, we even dressed as twins. I've always been a person with many different friendships, but most of my energy at the time was focused on her, BF#1. Sometime during junior year, something happened. The friend who could finish my sentences was gone. She went almost completely goth on me and cut her hair so short you would have thought she was a boy. I never understood what happened. To this day, I don't know, but I do have some theories. (most of them involve some sort of abuse.)

In college and in my early post-college years, I had BF#2. When I first met her, she overwhelmed me. She was a dancer and came from a "perfect" family. (my family has some perfectness too, but hers was sticky sweet.) She ended up being someone I could really count on. We were just as comfortable hanging out just the two of us, being with either of our families (I even went on a cruise with her family), or going out with friends. I stood up in her wedding, and then she stood up in mine. She had her first baby right after I got married, and before my infertility (which means: I wasn't at that time projecting any of my sadness or anger onto her). She drifted away from me to the point that we're now almost strangers. I do still get a Christmas card from her though.

And then there's Nemo. Which you know all about.

I'm certainly not saying that these two friends were like my husband. It's not the same sort of relationship at all. But, it does seem that all three of these people shut me out of their lives, with no explanation. To my knowledge, I've done nothing to offend any of them. I've even gone so far as to ask other family and friends their opinion. They don't get it either.

In the meantime, I've had other friends. Arista, because I've spoken of her. I had nine bridesmaids in my wedding, because I didn't feel I could cut anyone out. I even had two additional people who turned me down. So it's not like I don't have friends, or know how to be a friend.

Maybe relationships just come and go. Maybe you're not meant to hold onto friends or husbands forever.

Maybe no one has wanted to tell me that.

The best

They say that if you have one good friend in your life, you're truly blessed. I am extremely blessed as I have many friends, and quite a few good ones at that. But I have one best friend. I hate to use that label, because I think it excludes others. There's no other term to describe her, though, other than best. And even though I don't normally go around saying - Arista, my best friend, blah blah blah, most people in my life already know that she's the best.

(to my knowledge, she doesn't know my blog exists, as I haven't told anyone that I'm keeping this blog. But I hope if she ever finds this, she'll like the pseudonym I've chosen for her. Arista means best in Greek. And I think it's pretty.)

I've known Arista since we worked together at the mall over fifteen years ago. We worked at an uncool store, and whenever anyone would ask her where she worked, Arista always said the mall, like it was most supercool place to be.

I didn't immediately like her. I was a year older, and finished with high school. She was a high school senior and the first time I laid eyes on her, she came into the store wearing her cheerleader uniform with some of her teeny bopper friends. I think I even rolled my eyes after meeting her. After all, I was a college student!

Somehow though, we became friendly. There have been other friends of ours over the years that we've kept and lost, but somehow, we've always remained close.

How can I put into words a friend that sticks by you through diabetes, infertility (which is particularly isolating), infidelity, divorce, parenting, etc? There aren't enough words in the English language to describe our friendship.

Arista is the kind of person who would do anything for you. I strive to be the kind of friend she is to me. She's easy going, giving, accepting and forgiving.

Last fall, she called me and said that she wanted to throw me a birthday party. I was nearing the end of the divorce proceedings and it was such a horrible time. She and her husband (who I adore also) invited all my friends and family and threw an amazing party. It makes me cry just to think about it. In the midst of all my pain, there was a big bright spot thanks to her.

Arista has a daughter who is five months younger than Lucian. We've had great fun being mothers together. I am her daughter's godmother, and it's the single greatest honor of my life. It's like I have a daughter too.

There's something so special about friends. Your family, well they're your family. You get stuck with whatever family you're given. Friends, though, you get to choose and that's what makes the relationship so beautiful: knowing that neither of you are forced to be together, that you're together just because you want to.