Maybe today... maybe not

My grandmother is still fighting for her life. She is heavily dosed with morphine, has not eaten in days, has no kidney output, is struggling for breath, but she is still alive. To everyone's surprise.

There's been a lot of family drama in addition to the stress of her dying. I can't go into it, because it doesn't directly involve me. Suffice it to say, it's not helping matters that her death is dragging out. It's been emotional and painful for everyone involved. Six children camped out at the hospital for four nights 24/7 does not equal peace and harmony.

Two days ago, I said that I'd be surprised if she lasted another twenty-four hours. I guess I'll keep saying it until her time comes. The nurses have been saying for three days - it shouldn't be long now. So no one wants to leave her side thinking the moment could come at any time, and everyone wants to be there.

She's slipped so much that she's not aware of our presence anyway.

It's been hard to get on with other tasks of daily living. You just can't put the rest of your life on hold. Especially with a toddler running around.

Nemo has been gracious and understanding. Did I just say that??? He has surprised me a few times in the past week and I have to say that it's been a good thing. I still don't trust him, but I'm glad that he's making a small effort.

Lucian has decided that his afternoon nap is not always necessary. It's the one time of day where I can accomplish a few things, so I hope this is only temporary. He's utterly exhausted and desperately needs that nap. I desperately need his nap! Especially this week.

I've also been riding the blood sugar rollercoaster the past few days. I mistakenly skipped a dinner bolus (that of course was pizza, which is the worst) and I was high, then low, high, low, etc. I need to calm down because I know my problem is over-correction. Last night I woke up low and ate chocolate til I felt better. I hate when I do that, but my good sense is gone until my blood sugar rises again. I even bolused a bit when I regained my senses and realized how much I had eaten, but afraid of another low, I was conservative. So I woke up high again. I really need to get off this ride.

I'm going to try and relax now. Today might be the day for my grandmother. I'll need to be strong for my mother and all I'm feeling is tired and wiped out.