Inappropriateness

Nothing sends me into an emotional frenzy like dealing with Nemo.

(And before I tell you what happened this time, I'd just like to say that I'm really trying not to let him agitate me. But he does. Just by existing and having contact with me and my son.)

Last night I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house for his parenting time. A good number of the extended family were there, which I assumed was due to Nemo's brother moving out of state this weekend, and they were having his farewell dinner on a night when Lucian was there.

(Let me also interject that I am more nervous on nights when there are others there. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm definitely more anxious when there's a group of Nemo's relatives there.)

My Mom came with me to pick Lucian up. Some of the younger relatives were gathered around the kitchen table playing cards and eating cake. Nemo had Lucian on his lap. He gets up to give Lucian to me.

I get distracted by Nemo's aunt, who is trying to offer me a piece of cake, so I'm not able to take Lucian from Nemo. Nemo waits. And with Lucian in his arms, says to him - if you lift up your shirt, and let me see your belly button, I'll give you a bite of cake.

I then said, quickly and loud enough for the whole kitchen to hear me - this is not a str*ip club, my child isn't going to take off his clothes for any kind of bribery.

We left without further incident. But it weighed on me last night, and this morning too.

Before I was able to address the subject, I received an e-mail from Nemo, saying how my comment was out of line. He goes on to say how I should have pulled him aside privately and how he never knows what kinds of comments are going to set me off. Not only was he the one with the offensive behavior, he's trying to pin it on me. So typical.

I ended up e-mailing him back:

What prompted me to make the str*ip club comment, was your comment to Lucian
about lifting his shirt to see his belly button and he could have a bite of cake. This comment was so out of line - no child should ever be made to feel that they have to do something like reveal a body part for food. I want Lucian to know this is wrong, so that he is never touched in the wrong way. I'm not saying that that was your intention, but in this day and age, every child is potentially at risk, and he needs to know that that was an inappropriate request.

That being said, my response was said to shock you, not embarrass you. I needed you to know on the spot that your comment was inappropriate. In the last year of our marriage, I sat by quietly while everything was falling down around me. I didn't stand up for things that I knew were wrong. I've since learned in therapy that when something happens that shocks you, you respond to it. If there's a fire in your
house, you yell FIRE!!, not sit around and watch your house burn to the ground.

His response was that I misunderstood what he had said, that he only meant that Lucian had some cake on his stomach. My Mom was standing right there, and neither of us misunderstood what he said.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I can't trust this man for a minute. Even if he really doesn't mean any harm, his comments are inappropriate at best.

It's no wonder that I'm up at night worrying. There're so many horrifying possibilities of nightmares to come.