The night before

The night before my wedding, I cried my eyes out at the rehearsal dinner.

There had been a lot of stress the week before the wedding. Nemo and I didn't even talk for a bunch of days about three weeks before. I had had a freak out of sorts the summer before too, but we (meaning I) had resolved that.

It should have been smooth sailing at the last minute, but it wasn't. Even though I thought it was, I realize now that it was filled with bumps.

I was a pretty relaxed bride-to-be. I let others make decisions: my Mom the flowers, Nemo's mom the cake, that sort of thing. I was planning a marriage, not a wedding. I just wanted the day to be fun and stress-free. I got almost none of that.

After the rehearsal at the church was finished, and after we had had dinner, we start saying good-bye to everyone. That's when Nemo tells me that he is going out with his friends. It's like 11:00 at night, and tomorrow is the biggest day of our lives. And he wants to go out. He had a bachelor party the week before, why did he have to go out once more? Why this night of all nights? I wanted him to be in bed early preparing for our day. But that's not why I started crying.

I asked, then begged Nemo not to go. I pleaded with him to do this one thing that would make me happy. What did he say to me? That he couldn't disappoint his (dirt bag) friends. They were forcing him to go.

I approached two of his friends, two that I had more respect for than the others. I asked them that if they were going to take Nemo out, and wouldn't do me this one favor, would they at least guarantee that they wouldn't keep him out late or get him drunk. The friend that I had the highest amount of respect for looked me straight in the eye and said - I can't promise you anything. That's when I burst into tears.

Knowing all I do now about what happened to my marriage and the person I was really marrying, this story is not of great significance besides the fact that it shows me that even early on, Nemo wasn't willing to compromise with me. He put his friends and his need for instant gratification before me. Always.

I knew even then, that it wasn't his friends' responsibility for making sure Nemo got sleep the night before his wedding. It was Nemo who wanted to go, he was the problem in this. I think it was just easier for me to blame his friends.

[side note: 10.5 months later, at another friend's wedding, it was slipped out in conversation that Nemo and his friends had gone to a str!p club that night. I was so mad then that I didn't speak to Nemo for a few days. He claimed that he just didn't remember. His friends still remembered after 10.5 months, why didn't he?]

I never thought about calling off the wedding. Never had a doubt at all once I recovered from my cold feet panic from the summer previous. I loved Nemo and I accepted him with all his faults included. I convinced myself that love was enough. I even thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea just how naive I was. I probably still don't understand the complexities of the disaster that was my marriage.

Tomorrow would have been my seventh anniversary. Tonight there will be no tears, and tomorrow I will celebrate the joy of living the truth.