Let it begin with me

I may never forgive Nemo for what he's done, how he's changed my life and the pain he's put me through. But I realize that forgiveness is not about him, it's about me. It's about moving on and letting go of the past. I'm not ready for that yet, but at some point I want to be able to think about my pregnancy, Lucian's birth, and the time thereafter without a bitter taste coming up in my throat.

I've done a better job at accepting Nemo in Lucian's and my life. I don't like it, but I'm not fighting it so much. That's a conscious effort though on my part - it doesn't come easy.

Our plan for the holidays this year was for Lucian and me to have dinner with Nemo's family on Christmas Eve, and Nemo to have dinner with my family on Christmas day. Due to my bronchitis, I was unable to attend the Christmas Eve dinner - I just dropped Lucian off for a few hours.

I want this post to be about forgiveness and peace, so I'm going to leave out the parts where Nemo was late, I was having great anxiety, and the fact that I received another prank call (from his cell phone this time) at 2:45 am the night before.

On Christmas day, an uncle of mine joined us for dinner. So it was my parents, my sister, Lucian, Nemo, my uncle and me for dinner. It was pleasant. We ate, we laughed, Lucian fussed because he wanted to play with his toys rather than eat.

Shortly after dinner, Lucian had his bath, and Nemo got his coat on to leave. We had not had dessert yet, and I asked Nemo if he wanted to stay. (and even as I said it, I was thinking NO! but yet my good manners couldn't make me not issue the invitation.) Nemo declined. My Mom asked him, and then my Dad asked him. Nemo declined both invitations also, and when I looked at his face, I saw tears in his eyes. He quickly left. We had dessert and I didn't think much of it until the next day.

My uncle that joined us for dinner has been carrying around a lot of anger over his mother's death. He later told my mother that he was inspired by my family and how we dealt with Nemo after the events of the last couple of years. For us to have had a pleasant meal with him showed my uncle that you can deal with your anger in different ways and that peace is possible.

Up until that point, I'd been feeling like I'd repressed so much anger about Nemo that it annoyed me. Like why didn't I ever throw Nemo's clothes out in the front yard? Why didn't I slash his tires or key his car? Why did I continue to do his laundry, or keep the house clean when I knew that he would be keeping it? Why didn't I retaliate in some way?

I wish that I could have used my anger like that, but it's not the way I am. I'm a peacekeeper. And at times that makes me a pushover or a doormat, someone that bullies love to have around. But at the same time, I'm proud of my behavior. I've never sunk to Nemo's level.

Will I ever have complete peace and acceptance with Nemo? Probably not, because he can't be trusted. But I'd like to head in that direction.

There was a song that we used to sing in church when I was a child that my Mom loved. It was called Let There be Peace on Earth. I heard it at the store the other night. I haven't heard it in twenty years, and it was playing at the craft store of all places. I sang along with it - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me...

I am going to find peace.