Lucian's been sick. I took him to the doctor who said it was just a cold. I'm relieved that it's not something worse because his cough sounds pretty bad.
I've been very lucky in that Lucian has been healthy. He's had colds, but hasn't needed anything stronger than an over the counter medicine.
My Mom told me that my brother, sister and I were always sick as kids. She was at the doctor constantly with one of us.
So I realize that with all the other problems and hassles I'm having to deal with, a sick kid isn't one of them. Even with his cold, Lucian slept through the night. Everything seems better with a decent night's sleep.
But I'm off to take a nap. I'm still worn out.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Lies
A while back, Nemo told me that he was no longer seeing Elvira. Of course, I didn't believe him. I believe nothing that he tells me because he lies about everything. But I was hopeful that she was out of the picture. I don't want Lucian in her presence.
Today I spoke with an old neighbor friend of mine. She told me that Elvira and her daughter are still living in the house. (her daughter has been enrolled there in school since I moved out) She said that she rarely sees Nemo, but that there's alot of activity at the house. People coming and going.
Luckily, Lucian is not spending any time there. And won't anytime soon. That's what matters the most.
How am I supposed to build trust on lies?
Today I spoke with an old neighbor friend of mine. She told me that Elvira and her daughter are still living in the house. (her daughter has been enrolled there in school since I moved out) She said that she rarely sees Nemo, but that there's alot of activity at the house. People coming and going.
Luckily, Lucian is not spending any time there. And won't anytime soon. That's what matters the most.
How am I supposed to build trust on lies?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The last anniversary
Our anniversary occurred right after the voting day incident.
Nemo's parents invited us out to dinner. Nemo and I had a big argument before we left the house. It was the same old argument about him going out and me being home alone and pregnant. I cried on the way to the restaurant. I was in the middle of the gut wrenching agony of acceptance that my marriage was ending and I could barely keep my emotions in check.
I had thought that it would just be the four of us for dinner. But when we got to the restaurant, Jabba and Cruella had invited another couple (who I liked a lot) and their newly married son and newly pregnant wife (who I was meeting for the first time).
After five minutes of small talk, I couldn't keep myself together, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Where I cried for ten minutes. Or I should say, I hyperventilated quietly in the corner stall for ten minutes. I was absent from the table for a long time. It took me some time to regain my composure. I thought about running from the restaurant. I could see myself sneaking out into the cold fall night air, but good manners forced me to stay.
Good manners forced me to tolerate a whole lot of things that I shouldn't have.
I finally returned to the table. No one said a word to me about why or how long I was gone. No one commented on how red my nose was or how bloodshot my eyes were.
The topics of marriage and babies were the only things covered that night. Nemo squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. He took a dozen phone calls. Played with his phone even more than that text messaging. Now I know that it was Elvira, but at the time he'd rattle off some friend's name - oh it's George wanting to know something about the ballet, or some other nonsense.
I tried to hold up my part of the conversation. Let me tell you how difficult it is to be talking about marriage and babies when your marriage is falling apart and no one knows, and your baby is almost due, but was conceived with a lot of effort and he's not really your husband's, and your husband's not acting happy at all about the baby. It was torture. And I'm a diabetic, I know torture.
There was a part of me that was relieved when we finally left. The other part of me knew that when we'd leave, I'd lose track of Nemo for however long he'd be gone. It was close to midnight when we got home. I begged him again to stay, it was our anniversary for God's sake. He left me home alone. And he had the gall to say that it was officially the next day, our anniversary was over.
I slept alone in our marital bed.
Nemo's parents invited us out to dinner. Nemo and I had a big argument before we left the house. It was the same old argument about him going out and me being home alone and pregnant. I cried on the way to the restaurant. I was in the middle of the gut wrenching agony of acceptance that my marriage was ending and I could barely keep my emotions in check.
I had thought that it would just be the four of us for dinner. But when we got to the restaurant, Jabba and Cruella had invited another couple (who I liked a lot) and their newly married son and newly pregnant wife (who I was meeting for the first time).
After five minutes of small talk, I couldn't keep myself together, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Where I cried for ten minutes. Or I should say, I hyperventilated quietly in the corner stall for ten minutes. I was absent from the table for a long time. It took me some time to regain my composure. I thought about running from the restaurant. I could see myself sneaking out into the cold fall night air, but good manners forced me to stay.
Good manners forced me to tolerate a whole lot of things that I shouldn't have.
I finally returned to the table. No one said a word to me about why or how long I was gone. No one commented on how red my nose was or how bloodshot my eyes were.
The topics of marriage and babies were the only things covered that night. Nemo squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. He took a dozen phone calls. Played with his phone even more than that text messaging. Now I know that it was Elvira, but at the time he'd rattle off some friend's name - oh it's George wanting to know something about the ballet, or some other nonsense.
I tried to hold up my part of the conversation. Let me tell you how difficult it is to be talking about marriage and babies when your marriage is falling apart and no one knows, and your baby is almost due, but was conceived with a lot of effort and he's not really your husband's, and your husband's not acting happy at all about the baby. It was torture. And I'm a diabetic, I know torture.
There was a part of me that was relieved when we finally left. The other part of me knew that when we'd leave, I'd lose track of Nemo for however long he'd be gone. It was close to midnight when we got home. I begged him again to stay, it was our anniversary for God's sake. He left me home alone. And he had the gall to say that it was officially the next day, our anniversary was over.
I slept alone in our marital bed.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Assembly not included
When I was nine months pregnant, my feet were so swollen I had to wear sandals (in blustery cold November), I couldn't feel my left arm, and I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I had to put that damn baby swing together. It took me two days. I was determined that with all the chaos, my child should have a place to swing. Of course, he didn't really care for the swing, but at least he had it available.
I spent other days putting together the exersaucer, play gym, pack-n-play and bouncer. I'm not normally an angry person, but I swore up a storm trying to get that stuff together.
Nemo wouldn't help me put any of that stuff together. He kept saying tomorrow or next weekend. So I finally just did it all myself.
He wouldn't help me register for the baby shower either. I tried pushing him and it didn't work. So I had my Mom go with me, and I disguised it as getting her help because I thought she would know more about baby stuff. (when in reality, both of us were utterly confused - it had been thirty years since she'd used any of that stuff, and a lot had changed)
Nemo's parents bought us the crib and furniture. I couldn't get him to go with me to pick it out. I went with Cruella and I remember being on the phone with Nemo trying to get some input from him. He just kept saying - choose whatever you like. It was incredibly frustrating. We had always made purchases together.
Then when the store called to tell me the furniture was in, it took me another week to get Nemo to pick it up. My friends kept asking me when I was going to be getting the furniture because the baby was coming soon, and I couldn't come up with enough excuses as to why Nemo wasn't involved or excited. It was finally set up a week before I had Lucian. I was so stressed that my baby wouldn't have somewhere to sleep.
The one thing Nemo helped me with was the stroller. Probably because all we really needed to do was remove it from the box and unfold it. I was naive enough at the time that I thought - maybe he's coming around and really trying to help. Ha ha!
This blog has really helped me look back at things and see how messed up everything was. When you're going through things, you can't see it from the outside. I was a single parent from the moment of the insemination, but everyone thought I was married because I was trying to make it look that way.
I've learned too that there is no baby item that I can not assemble and things are not always as they seem.
I spent other days putting together the exersaucer, play gym, pack-n-play and bouncer. I'm not normally an angry person, but I swore up a storm trying to get that stuff together.
Nemo wouldn't help me put any of that stuff together. He kept saying tomorrow or next weekend. So I finally just did it all myself.
He wouldn't help me register for the baby shower either. I tried pushing him and it didn't work. So I had my Mom go with me, and I disguised it as getting her help because I thought she would know more about baby stuff. (when in reality, both of us were utterly confused - it had been thirty years since she'd used any of that stuff, and a lot had changed)
Nemo's parents bought us the crib and furniture. I couldn't get him to go with me to pick it out. I went with Cruella and I remember being on the phone with Nemo trying to get some input from him. He just kept saying - choose whatever you like. It was incredibly frustrating. We had always made purchases together.
Then when the store called to tell me the furniture was in, it took me another week to get Nemo to pick it up. My friends kept asking me when I was going to be getting the furniture because the baby was coming soon, and I couldn't come up with enough excuses as to why Nemo wasn't involved or excited. It was finally set up a week before I had Lucian. I was so stressed that my baby wouldn't have somewhere to sleep.
The one thing Nemo helped me with was the stroller. Probably because all we really needed to do was remove it from the box and unfold it. I was naive enough at the time that I thought - maybe he's coming around and really trying to help. Ha ha!
This blog has really helped me look back at things and see how messed up everything was. When you're going through things, you can't see it from the outside. I was a single parent from the moment of the insemination, but everyone thought I was married because I was trying to make it look that way.
I've learned too that there is no baby item that I can not assemble and things are not always as they seem.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
And even more...
Less than two hours after I posted about the prank calls last night, my cell phone rang. I was wondering who it could be, because only a few people know the number, and I had spoken with all of them earlier in the day.
I look at the number, and it says private call. So I answer it, and get the same thing: silence, and hang up. I immediately went to tell my Dad in the next room. But before I took three steps, the house phone rang.
The same thing happened. This time in particular, I could hear someone there. And they stayed on the line just a fraction of a second longer before hanging up.
Now I know that whoever is calling, is someone that is targeting me. It is someone that has access to both my home and cell phone numbers. I'm even more convinced that it's related to Nemo in some way.
I wish this person would just tell me what they want and leave me alone.
I look at the number, and it says private call. So I answer it, and get the same thing: silence, and hang up. I immediately went to tell my Dad in the next room. But before I took three steps, the house phone rang.
The same thing happened. This time in particular, I could hear someone there. And they stayed on the line just a fraction of a second longer before hanging up.
Now I know that whoever is calling, is someone that is targeting me. It is someone that has access to both my home and cell phone numbers. I'm even more convinced that it's related to Nemo in some way.
I wish this person would just tell me what they want and leave me alone.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
More prank phone calls
Two weeks ago I mentioned that I'd had two late night phone calls from a private number.
Last week, there was another, but it was in the morning. My Dad immediately called the police. A policeman was at our door within fifteen minutes. (I was extremely impressed with his expeditiousness.)
Anyway, he was really nice and great about it and did a report. However, unless the calls had been a lot greater in number, they can't do much about it. Still, I felt better knowing that it's been documented.
This week, it was the same day of the week, the same exact time in the morning, and the phone rang again. Private number, and they hung up.
The policeman suggested that maybe it was a telemarketer. Besides the fact that in my experience those calls come up unavailable, not private number, I don't know of any telemarketers that call in the middle of the night. I do, however, know of a str*ipper that likes to make late night phone calls.
My bet is on Nemo. I don't necessarily think that it's him, because I just can't see the sense in that (although, he's done a lot of things that don't make sense). But directly or indirectly, I think the calls are related to him.
Last week, there was another, but it was in the morning. My Dad immediately called the police. A policeman was at our door within fifteen minutes. (I was extremely impressed with his expeditiousness.)
Anyway, he was really nice and great about it and did a report. However, unless the calls had been a lot greater in number, they can't do much about it. Still, I felt better knowing that it's been documented.
This week, it was the same day of the week, the same exact time in the morning, and the phone rang again. Private number, and they hung up.
The policeman suggested that maybe it was a telemarketer. Besides the fact that in my experience those calls come up unavailable, not private number, I don't know of any telemarketers that call in the middle of the night. I do, however, know of a str*ipper that likes to make late night phone calls.
My bet is on Nemo. I don't necessarily think that it's him, because I just can't see the sense in that (although, he's done a lot of things that don't make sense). But directly or indirectly, I think the calls are related to him.
Friday, June 02, 2006
New glucose meter
I got a new glucose meter tonight. I'm super excited. It's the One Touch Ultra 2.
I've been currently using the UltraSmart, and before that, I used the Ultra, before that the FastTake. I had one of the early glucose meters back in the eighties that required a lot of blood, and a skilled technique. So I've used alot of meters in my day.
What I'd like to know is - does anyone bother to consult a diabetic when they design these products?
I switched from the FastTake to the Ultra because of the shorter timing (15 secs to 5 secs) and ultimately, because LifeScan was phasing out the FastTake.
I used the Ultra for quite awhile. I was pretty happy with it. But the case didn't have a place for the poker. It was hard to test on the run, with that stupid poker always falling out. There wasn't a backlight either.
I switched to the UltraSmart because I thought all the bells and whistles on it would be fun. I'd be able to do cool graphs and notice trends. However, a few months later, I realized that I'm one of those diabetics (please don't call me brittle) where there's no pattern, no rhyme or reason half the time. So I gave up using all the extra features.
The UltraSmart was bulkier than the plain Ultra but I kept using it because it had a backlight. Which I never was able to use because every time you're in the dark trying to test, the place you really want to see is the hole where the test strip goes, and if you've gotten the blood on it correctly. If you use the backlight in the dark, it blinds you and you can't see the strip at all. Which is so helpful when you're getting the error message of "not enough blood". Hello! If I could have seen where to put it, I would have had enough blood!
I'd heard about the new Ultra 2 and was interested in it for the main reason of it being smaller (with a smaller case too) and yet still having a backlight. This backlight will also light up the strip, but it's not bright enough to actually see if you've gotten enough blood on the strip.
Here's my list of ideas I would like my glucose meter to have:
1. small
2. small case that will allow me to buy a small purse instead of a huge bag
3. place for the poker
4. place for both new strip bottle, and an old one to hold used strips
5. backlight that allows me test anywhere
6. cheaper strips - $1/strip * 6-10 tests/day = lots of money
The best part about my new meter is that once I send in the rebate, it will have cost me nothing. And because it uses the same strips, if I'm not happy with it, I can always go back to using one of my other meters.
I've been currently using the UltraSmart, and before that, I used the Ultra, before that the FastTake. I had one of the early glucose meters back in the eighties that required a lot of blood, and a skilled technique. So I've used alot of meters in my day.
What I'd like to know is - does anyone bother to consult a diabetic when they design these products?
I switched from the FastTake to the Ultra because of the shorter timing (15 secs to 5 secs) and ultimately, because LifeScan was phasing out the FastTake.
I used the Ultra for quite awhile. I was pretty happy with it. But the case didn't have a place for the poker. It was hard to test on the run, with that stupid poker always falling out. There wasn't a backlight either.
I switched to the UltraSmart because I thought all the bells and whistles on it would be fun. I'd be able to do cool graphs and notice trends. However, a few months later, I realized that I'm one of those diabetics (please don't call me brittle) where there's no pattern, no rhyme or reason half the time. So I gave up using all the extra features.
The UltraSmart was bulkier than the plain Ultra but I kept using it because it had a backlight. Which I never was able to use because every time you're in the dark trying to test, the place you really want to see is the hole where the test strip goes, and if you've gotten the blood on it correctly. If you use the backlight in the dark, it blinds you and you can't see the strip at all. Which is so helpful when you're getting the error message of "not enough blood". Hello! If I could have seen where to put it, I would have had enough blood!
I'd heard about the new Ultra 2 and was interested in it for the main reason of it being smaller (with a smaller case too) and yet still having a backlight. This backlight will also light up the strip, but it's not bright enough to actually see if you've gotten enough blood on the strip.
Here's my list of ideas I would like my glucose meter to have:
1. small
2. small case that will allow me to buy a small purse instead of a huge bag
3. place for the poker
4. place for both new strip bottle, and an old one to hold used strips
5. backlight that allows me test anywhere
6. cheaper strips - $1/strip * 6-10 tests/day = lots of money
The best part about my new meter is that once I send in the rebate, it will have cost me nothing. And because it uses the same strips, if I'm not happy with it, I can always go back to using one of my other meters.
Phone bill
On the advice of my lawyer, I had lots of documents subpoenaed for the divorce settlement. Even though I live in a no-fault state, I wanted to have the evidence on my side. Also, it enabled me to find out key pieces of information that Nemo had been keeping from me.
So first, I requested his phone bill. His company paid for his cell phone, so the bills all went there and I never got to see them. What initially started as a good thing (us not having to pay the phone bill), helped Nemo in his affair. You know it was bad that the paperwork didn't just come in a mere envelope. Nope, it was a box. Approximately fifteen months worth of phone bills.
At the start of 2004, I recognized all the numbers. By March, there were a few unknowns (which I later found to be Elvira and friends). And then to the most recent month, April 2005, where I didn't recognize anything but my own number sporadically. The call number increased tenfold also.
I mentioned it here, that I had dry heaves when I saw the phone bill seeing how many times during Lucian's birth that he had been on the phone with Elvira. I spent hours combing through the phone bill, trying to make sense of it. I highlighted, underlined, and searched phone numbers on-line. Finally, I realized that with the sheer number of calls, there was no way that I'd be able to make any sense of it at all, so I mostly concentrated on memorable dates.
It ended up being a very expensive endeavor, all this subpoena-ing. It did help me to have things in writing though. Helped drill reality into my head by seeing it in black and white.
It's a bitter pill to swallow when you find out that not only does your husband have someone else, but that he carried it out in such a cruel way.
Ironically, right before the divorce was final, I had a conversation with Elvira who told me that she would love to have a look at the phone bills. She didn't trust him either. Gee I wonder why?
So first, I requested his phone bill. His company paid for his cell phone, so the bills all went there and I never got to see them. What initially started as a good thing (us not having to pay the phone bill), helped Nemo in his affair. You know it was bad that the paperwork didn't just come in a mere envelope. Nope, it was a box. Approximately fifteen months worth of phone bills.
At the start of 2004, I recognized all the numbers. By March, there were a few unknowns (which I later found to be Elvira and friends). And then to the most recent month, April 2005, where I didn't recognize anything but my own number sporadically. The call number increased tenfold also.
I mentioned it here, that I had dry heaves when I saw the phone bill seeing how many times during Lucian's birth that he had been on the phone with Elvira. I spent hours combing through the phone bill, trying to make sense of it. I highlighted, underlined, and searched phone numbers on-line. Finally, I realized that with the sheer number of calls, there was no way that I'd be able to make any sense of it at all, so I mostly concentrated on memorable dates.
It ended up being a very expensive endeavor, all this subpoena-ing. It did help me to have things in writing though. Helped drill reality into my head by seeing it in black and white.
It's a bitter pill to swallow when you find out that not only does your husband have someone else, but that he carried it out in such a cruel way.
Ironically, right before the divorce was final, I had a conversation with Elvira who told me that she would love to have a look at the phone bills. She didn't trust him either. Gee I wonder why?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Reprieve, but...
Last night, we had a reprieve. Nemo called and said that he was stuck at work and wouldn't be able to make his parenting time.
I got Lucian to bed early, and I had a night to myself, so I'm not complaining, but I am wondering. Was Nemo really working late? And, what would I do if I was relying upon him to babysit during that time? What if I had a job?
I believe that Nemo is currently taking advantage of his parenting time because of his family. I don't have it all figured out, but I think it goes something like this: Nemo's parents want to be a part of Lucian's life. (as grandparents, their time is derivative of Nemo's) Nemo can not afford his lifestyle, let alone the child support he has to pay. His parents give him money. They threaten to take the money away if they don't get to see Lucian. So Nemo calls me, and I bring Lucian over and Nemo gets his money.
I feel like it's a big farce. The whole situation is so fake, I can hardly stand it. I'm a sincere and genuine person. I have a hard time lying or pretending. (I'm more likely to not notice your haircut, then to compliment it - you know, the if-you-can't-say-anything-nice rule) And this situation to me is a charade. At some point, it's going to come crashing down.
Some believe (the legal system for one) that any father is better than no father at all. I'm not outwardly arguing this point. But being that Nemo is not the sperm donor and that I have never seen him actually be a father to Lucian, it just feels so fake. I'm repeating myself here. Sorry. How long will I have to tolerate this joke?
And Nemo's already called for tomorrow night. Ugh.
I got Lucian to bed early, and I had a night to myself, so I'm not complaining, but I am wondering. Was Nemo really working late? And, what would I do if I was relying upon him to babysit during that time? What if I had a job?
I believe that Nemo is currently taking advantage of his parenting time because of his family. I don't have it all figured out, but I think it goes something like this: Nemo's parents want to be a part of Lucian's life. (as grandparents, their time is derivative of Nemo's) Nemo can not afford his lifestyle, let alone the child support he has to pay. His parents give him money. They threaten to take the money away if they don't get to see Lucian. So Nemo calls me, and I bring Lucian over and Nemo gets his money.
I feel like it's a big farce. The whole situation is so fake, I can hardly stand it. I'm a sincere and genuine person. I have a hard time lying or pretending. (I'm more likely to not notice your haircut, then to compliment it - you know, the if-you-can't-say-anything-nice rule) And this situation to me is a charade. At some point, it's going to come crashing down.
Some believe (the legal system for one) that any father is better than no father at all. I'm not outwardly arguing this point. But being that Nemo is not the sperm donor and that I have never seen him actually be a father to Lucian, it just feels so fake. I'm repeating myself here. Sorry. How long will I have to tolerate this joke?
And Nemo's already called for tomorrow night. Ugh.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Meeting at the mall
After many e-mails, Nemo and I agreed that we would meet at the mall for his Saturday visit. I would put Lucian down for his afternoon nap early, and we'd meet at 2:00. Sounds simple, right?
At 1:35, Nemo called and said that he was still at work and would be for another hour, and what did I want to do? Normally, I would have cancelled the whole thing but I needed to get some things at the mall. So I agreed we would meet at 3:00 instead.
I let Lucian sleep until 2:15, and I was happy about that. (more sleep = easier child) At 2:50, we were just outside the mall when Nemo called again. He wouldn't be there until 3:30. Already there, I said that we would be there then.
Lucian and I did a bit of shopping, and then scoped out the play area. I then figured that I better go to the bathroom because I might not get a chance if Nemo was even later and Lucian was playing. I decide to use a bathroom in a store that I never go in. As I'm walking, who do I see? Nemo's dad and grandmother. What are the chances that they would be in the same store that I was in? They saw me, and I didn't have a chance to escape.
Jabba and Sophia talked to me briefly. They didn't mention Nemo and I thought that maybe they didn't even know that Lucian and I were supposed to be meeting him. They left, and then I took Lucian with me to the bathroom. It was a very tight squeeze with his stroller, and a huge inconvenience. I later thought - this is how much these people drive me crazy: I'd rather take Lucian with me than leave him with them for two minutes. (by the way, I haven't gone into tons of detail about the craziness of my ex-in-laws, but believe me when I say they're crazy.)
Lucian and I then went to the play area. As I'm watching him run around, I feel a presence behind me: Jabba and Sophia behind me. Are they stalking me? This time they tell me that Nemo is on his way.
Nemo finally arrives at 3:45. He claimed that he didn't know that his father and grandmother were going to be there. (lie?) It felt like a set-up to me, and it made me very uncomfortable.
I was annoyed for so many reasons that afternoon. I've learned for next time, if he's going to be late, we cancel the whole thing.
At 1:35, Nemo called and said that he was still at work and would be for another hour, and what did I want to do? Normally, I would have cancelled the whole thing but I needed to get some things at the mall. So I agreed we would meet at 3:00 instead.
I let Lucian sleep until 2:15, and I was happy about that. (more sleep = easier child) At 2:50, we were just outside the mall when Nemo called again. He wouldn't be there until 3:30. Already there, I said that we would be there then.
Lucian and I did a bit of shopping, and then scoped out the play area. I then figured that I better go to the bathroom because I might not get a chance if Nemo was even later and Lucian was playing. I decide to use a bathroom in a store that I never go in. As I'm walking, who do I see? Nemo's dad and grandmother. What are the chances that they would be in the same store that I was in? They saw me, and I didn't have a chance to escape.
Jabba and Sophia talked to me briefly. They didn't mention Nemo and I thought that maybe they didn't even know that Lucian and I were supposed to be meeting him. They left, and then I took Lucian with me to the bathroom. It was a very tight squeeze with his stroller, and a huge inconvenience. I later thought - this is how much these people drive me crazy: I'd rather take Lucian with me than leave him with them for two minutes. (by the way, I haven't gone into tons of detail about the craziness of my ex-in-laws, but believe me when I say they're crazy.)
Lucian and I then went to the play area. As I'm watching him run around, I feel a presence behind me: Jabba and Sophia behind me. Are they stalking me? This time they tell me that Nemo is on his way.
Nemo finally arrives at 3:45. He claimed that he didn't know that his father and grandmother were going to be there. (lie?) It felt like a set-up to me, and it made me very uncomfortable.
I was annoyed for so many reasons that afternoon. I've learned for next time, if he's going to be late, we cancel the whole thing.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Alone before the baby
The week that Nemo went to the psychiatrist and admitted to me that he had used drugs, he stopped coming home at night altogether. The next week, I had a meltdown.
Nemo was home for a bit on Saturday (to take a shower, check his mail, etc) and I told him that my car needed to be looked at. One of the warning lights was on. He said that he would look at it on Sunday, and left.
On Sunday, I waited for him. I called him a few times, but he didn't answer. I finally went out with a friend shopping, hoping that he'd be home when I returned. He wasn't.
At 7:00 pm, I started calling his friends and family. No one knew where he was, or had heard from him. They all sounded like they were telling the truth. At the time, I remember thinking - he can't still be with Elvira, because they would know about it.
One of Nemo's friends had a long conversation with me. He was divorced, his wife had cheated on him. He couldn't reach Nemo either. I was sobbing and hyperventilating on the phone with him. I was out of control. He suggested we meet for lunch the next day. I was so desperate, I agreed.
I cried for nearly an hour that night. Hard, sobbing, like someone had died. I think it hit me that our marriage was dead. You can't hold a marriage up by yourself, and by God, I tried. For a very long time. And I couldn't do it any longer.
Nemo called me the next morning from work as I was on my way for an ultrasound. (I was having weekly ultrasounds by this point in the pregnancy.) He said that he needed to get away so he went to his parents' cottage. He said that he went by himself and that he didn't answer the phone because he wanted to be left alone. Of course, in my heart I knew that he didn't go alone. I knew that he was lying. I even called him out on it. But I was also desperately trying to hang on to him. I thought he was mentally ill and needed my help. I truly loved him.
I met his friend for lunch. Really, he didn't provide me with any information that I didn't know already. His advice was to "stand by my man" and that Nemo would come back to me, and to tell my family because I was going to need their help once the baby came. I took the second part seriously and that's when I told my Mom and Dad, who were a huge help to me.
Nemo didn't spend a night in our house from Halloween until one random night in December where he passed out and I didn't wake him. The entire time I thought - I could go into labor now. Or now. Or now. And I'd have had no idea where my husband was, or how to get ahold of him (since he never answered his cell phone when I called.)
I'm really trying not to feel sorry for that person that was me. But I can't help it. I feel so sad for her.
Nemo was home for a bit on Saturday (to take a shower, check his mail, etc) and I told him that my car needed to be looked at. One of the warning lights was on. He said that he would look at it on Sunday, and left.
On Sunday, I waited for him. I called him a few times, but he didn't answer. I finally went out with a friend shopping, hoping that he'd be home when I returned. He wasn't.
At 7:00 pm, I started calling his friends and family. No one knew where he was, or had heard from him. They all sounded like they were telling the truth. At the time, I remember thinking - he can't still be with Elvira, because they would know about it.
One of Nemo's friends had a long conversation with me. He was divorced, his wife had cheated on him. He couldn't reach Nemo either. I was sobbing and hyperventilating on the phone with him. I was out of control. He suggested we meet for lunch the next day. I was so desperate, I agreed.
I cried for nearly an hour that night. Hard, sobbing, like someone had died. I think it hit me that our marriage was dead. You can't hold a marriage up by yourself, and by God, I tried. For a very long time. And I couldn't do it any longer.
Nemo called me the next morning from work as I was on my way for an ultrasound. (I was having weekly ultrasounds by this point in the pregnancy.) He said that he needed to get away so he went to his parents' cottage. He said that he went by himself and that he didn't answer the phone because he wanted to be left alone. Of course, in my heart I knew that he didn't go alone. I knew that he was lying. I even called him out on it. But I was also desperately trying to hang on to him. I thought he was mentally ill and needed my help. I truly loved him.
I met his friend for lunch. Really, he didn't provide me with any information that I didn't know already. His advice was to "stand by my man" and that Nemo would come back to me, and to tell my family because I was going to need their help once the baby came. I took the second part seriously and that's when I told my Mom and Dad, who were a huge help to me.
Nemo didn't spend a night in our house from Halloween until one random night in December where he passed out and I didn't wake him. The entire time I thought - I could go into labor now. Or now. Or now. And I'd have had no idea where my husband was, or how to get ahold of him (since he never answered his cell phone when I called.)
I'm really trying not to feel sorry for that person that was me. But I can't help it. I feel so sad for her.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Seeing the light
Read the first part here. And the second part here.
Elvira was at my house for probably a half an hour. Her friend that had called me earlier, came in the house too. They wanted to go upstairs to see Lucian. Nothing else shocked me more than that. I told them that no way was I letting strangers up to see my son at 3:00 am. (still to this day I can't believe the gall that those two had.)
I asked Elvira what had brought her to my house, and this is what she told me: Nemo had broken up with her that morning, right after they had been intimate. I couldn't believe it, as he had been planning to come home for days, all the while still seeing the girlfriend. Among other things, I felt used.
She then showed me a text message on her phone that was from Nemo. It had been from the previous day when he had been having dinner with me at his parents' house. It said that he loved and missed her and would be with her shortly. Seeing it in writing made me ill.
Finally, Elvira and her friend left. (by the way, I thought that both of them were probably high on something.) Nemo and I sat down and had a talk. I was sick. I was repulsed by him. Disappointed and sad. I couldn't believe that my life had come to this. Sitting with my estranged husband in the middle of the night discussing his high, str*ipper girlfriend. He was still lying to me. Still wouldn't admit that he had done anything wrong.
When I asked him why he had slept with her when he was trying to make an effort to return to our marriage, he said - it's like when you quit smoking and you want to savor your last cigarette. I was so offended by that statement, I didn't even know what to say.
He left for work early that day. When I later saw his phone bills (that I had subpoened), he made a phone call to Elvira the moment he left the house. So much for wanting to get back together with me.
I was incredibly angry. I'm not a drama queen. I don't throw tantrums. I'm not evil or vindictive by nature. I briefly thought about throwing his clothes out on the lawn or changing the locks. But really, what would that have accomplished? I'm still angry. I'm trying to work through it, but it's hard. Mostly I don't know what to do with my anger. Nemo has said to me many times since - can't you just get over it? He doesn't get it. His brain is probably fried from the drugs. But he also wasn't the one lied to, manipulated, cheated on, or humiliated.
Sometimes the things that seem to be the worst thing can turn out to be the best. After I got over the shock of it all, (and that took me a good week) I started telling people and it was cathartic. Elvira did me a service. I found out alot of information that night that I didn't know previously. I had known my marriage was ending but I didn't understand the basics. After that night, I couldn't deny it any more. It hit me over the head. I saw the light. I opened my eyes. I could start fighting for my new life and my child's.
The truth can set you free.
Elvira was at my house for probably a half an hour. Her friend that had called me earlier, came in the house too. They wanted to go upstairs to see Lucian. Nothing else shocked me more than that. I told them that no way was I letting strangers up to see my son at 3:00 am. (still to this day I can't believe the gall that those two had.)
I asked Elvira what had brought her to my house, and this is what she told me: Nemo had broken up with her that morning, right after they had been intimate. I couldn't believe it, as he had been planning to come home for days, all the while still seeing the girlfriend. Among other things, I felt used.
She then showed me a text message on her phone that was from Nemo. It had been from the previous day when he had been having dinner with me at his parents' house. It said that he loved and missed her and would be with her shortly. Seeing it in writing made me ill.
Finally, Elvira and her friend left. (by the way, I thought that both of them were probably high on something.) Nemo and I sat down and had a talk. I was sick. I was repulsed by him. Disappointed and sad. I couldn't believe that my life had come to this. Sitting with my estranged husband in the middle of the night discussing his high, str*ipper girlfriend. He was still lying to me. Still wouldn't admit that he had done anything wrong.
When I asked him why he had slept with her when he was trying to make an effort to return to our marriage, he said - it's like when you quit smoking and you want to savor your last cigarette. I was so offended by that statement, I didn't even know what to say.
He left for work early that day. When I later saw his phone bills (that I had subpoened), he made a phone call to Elvira the moment he left the house. So much for wanting to get back together with me.
I was incredibly angry. I'm not a drama queen. I don't throw tantrums. I'm not evil or vindictive by nature. I briefly thought about throwing his clothes out on the lawn or changing the locks. But really, what would that have accomplished? I'm still angry. I'm trying to work through it, but it's hard. Mostly I don't know what to do with my anger. Nemo has said to me many times since - can't you just get over it? He doesn't get it. His brain is probably fried from the drugs. But he also wasn't the one lied to, manipulated, cheated on, or humiliated.
Sometimes the things that seem to be the worst thing can turn out to be the best. After I got over the shock of it all, (and that took me a good week) I started telling people and it was cathartic. Elvira did me a service. I found out alot of information that night that I didn't know previously. I had known my marriage was ending but I didn't understand the basics. After that night, I couldn't deny it any more. It hit me over the head. I saw the light. I opened my eyes. I could start fighting for my new life and my child's.
The truth can set you free.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
A kiss
Last night I dropped Lucian off with Nemo and his mother. I'm doing better about accepting the parenting time. Not great, but marginally better. I still feel like it's a waste of my time, but I'm accepting it, a little at a time.
Anyway, when my Mom and I picked Lucian up, Lucian came running to me, with a big smile and a loud - Ba Ba!!!! (for some reason he can't pronounce m's, so he calls me Ba Ba) Cruella leaned in and said - give me a kiss good-bye. Lucian then looked deep in my eyes and planted a big wet kiss on my lips. Then he smiled again and hugged me.
It was so wonderful. I can't even describe how elated I was. It was the purest joy of motherhood I've experienced.
Cruella has wanted to be Lucian's mother since the day he was born. I know this probably sounds a bit paranoid, but it's the feeling I've gotten from her from day one. She has tried to tell me what to do, and then she's gone and done her own thing, rather than listening to me. Every chance she gets, she undermines me. She has tried to get Lucian's attention away from me. She's actually pried him out of my arms several times.
So that one kiss, it makes everything worth it.
Anyway, when my Mom and I picked Lucian up, Lucian came running to me, with a big smile and a loud - Ba Ba!!!! (for some reason he can't pronounce m's, so he calls me Ba Ba) Cruella leaned in and said - give me a kiss good-bye. Lucian then looked deep in my eyes and planted a big wet kiss on my lips. Then he smiled again and hugged me.
It was so wonderful. I can't even describe how elated I was. It was the purest joy of motherhood I've experienced.
Cruella has wanted to be Lucian's mother since the day he was born. I know this probably sounds a bit paranoid, but it's the feeling I've gotten from her from day one. She has tried to tell me what to do, and then she's gone and done her own thing, rather than listening to me. Every chance she gets, she undermines me. She has tried to get Lucian's attention away from me. She's actually pried him out of my arms several times.
So that one kiss, it makes everything worth it.
Friday, May 26, 2006
3:00 am
Something happens in your body at 3:00 am. Diabetics know that it's the start of the dawn phenomenon. Something changes with your hormones. For me, I often wake up.
Last night, 3:01, I was awake. I had to turn the tv on to lull me back to sleep, to stop the thoughts running around in my head. I wish there was an off switch for my anxiety.
So I was laying there thinking about another night, two years ago, when I was awake. I was pregnant, it was summer (July or August). It cool for that time of year. The windows were open and a soft breeze blew in. My tv was on. My husband was not home.
At that point in our marriage, and to my disappointment, Nemo went out most nights. I was mad, sad, irritated, and frustrated about it. But I couldn't keep him home. (can you really make anyone do anything?) As spring turned to summer and then to fall, he stayed out later and later to finally not returning at all.
This particular night, I woke up scared, in a panic. I went to the kitchen, got something to eat, and tried to call Nemo. He didn't answer his phone. I waited, and tried again. I left five messages in a half hour. He would hate when I'd do that, but I couldn't help myself. I was becoming more and more irritated as the months went on, and I felt the control over my life slipping away as my husband slipped away. It wasn't right that I should be home by myself, not knowing where my husband was in the middle of the night.
I remember looking out the window. Feeling the breeze. Staring at the nearly full moon and how it brought light to the yard. Watching the leaves on the trees rustle. Feeling like but for one small thing, Nemo being there, I could be serene in that moment. I wondered where Nemo was during that one moment. Where he could be that he couldn't be bothered to answer the phone.
He called me forty-five minutes later with some excuse. In the end, they were all the same: he fell asleep at n's house with his phone in the car, he was at x bar where he couldn't hear his phone even on vibrate, he was driving home with the radio on loud (but still an hour away), etc etc. I felt so depleted. I didn't believe his excuses, but I sure wanted to, so I convinced myself he wasn't lying to me. (n = any random friend or relative that would lie for Nemo)
Those nights were long, painful. I hated going to bed at night because I knew it would repeat again. The best thing Nemo did was in November (before Lucian's birth) when he told me he wasn't coming home, that he'd be sleeping at n's house trying to figure out what was making him so unhappy.
I hope never again to have such painful nights. Even now, up at 3:00 am, I'm calm. Even with tossing and turning insomnia, I know my loved ones are in bed safe. I'm not waiting for someone to come home, who had so obviously not wanted to be there in the first place.
Last night, 3:01, I was awake. I had to turn the tv on to lull me back to sleep, to stop the thoughts running around in my head. I wish there was an off switch for my anxiety.
So I was laying there thinking about another night, two years ago, when I was awake. I was pregnant, it was summer (July or August). It cool for that time of year. The windows were open and a soft breeze blew in. My tv was on. My husband was not home.
At that point in our marriage, and to my disappointment, Nemo went out most nights. I was mad, sad, irritated, and frustrated about it. But I couldn't keep him home. (can you really make anyone do anything?) As spring turned to summer and then to fall, he stayed out later and later to finally not returning at all.
This particular night, I woke up scared, in a panic. I went to the kitchen, got something to eat, and tried to call Nemo. He didn't answer his phone. I waited, and tried again. I left five messages in a half hour. He would hate when I'd do that, but I couldn't help myself. I was becoming more and more irritated as the months went on, and I felt the control over my life slipping away as my husband slipped away. It wasn't right that I should be home by myself, not knowing where my husband was in the middle of the night.
I remember looking out the window. Feeling the breeze. Staring at the nearly full moon and how it brought light to the yard. Watching the leaves on the trees rustle. Feeling like but for one small thing, Nemo being there, I could be serene in that moment. I wondered where Nemo was during that one moment. Where he could be that he couldn't be bothered to answer the phone.
He called me forty-five minutes later with some excuse. In the end, they were all the same: he fell asleep at n's house with his phone in the car, he was at x bar where he couldn't hear his phone even on vibrate, he was driving home with the radio on loud (but still an hour away), etc etc. I felt so depleted. I didn't believe his excuses, but I sure wanted to, so I convinced myself he wasn't lying to me. (n = any random friend or relative that would lie for Nemo)
Those nights were long, painful. I hated going to bed at night because I knew it would repeat again. The best thing Nemo did was in November (before Lucian's birth) when he told me he wasn't coming home, that he'd be sleeping at n's house trying to figure out what was making him so unhappy.
I hope never again to have such painful nights. Even now, up at 3:00 am, I'm calm. Even with tossing and turning insomnia, I know my loved ones are in bed safe. I'm not waiting for someone to come home, who had so obviously not wanted to be there in the first place.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Another one
I want to have another baby.
I know how absurd this is. I have no money, no job, no car. I live with my parents. After years of infertility, I really am satisfied with having just one. Lucian is enough.
But still... I dream of another. These are the things I think about: How cute would Lucian be as a big brother? I'd get more use out of all the baby stuff and maternity clothes. I'd get to experience pregnancy with a clear mind. It would drive Nemo's family crazy. But mostly, I'd love it for me.
I'm a good mother. (and father too) There aren't many things I'd brag and say that I do well. But motherhood is one of them. I think this is why I pushed so hard during the infertility struggles. I knew I'd be a great mom.
I already have an awesome donor, Lucian would have a full sibling, it would only cost me $300 for the sperm sample (that's assuming it worked with one try - it's my dream so I might as well go for the gold, right?)
But it's not a realistic dream at this point in my life. But my heart still dreams about it anyway. If I won the lottery, my first call would be to the fertility clinic.
I know how absurd this is. I have no money, no job, no car. I live with my parents. After years of infertility, I really am satisfied with having just one. Lucian is enough.
But still... I dream of another. These are the things I think about: How cute would Lucian be as a big brother? I'd get more use out of all the baby stuff and maternity clothes. I'd get to experience pregnancy with a clear mind. It would drive Nemo's family crazy. But mostly, I'd love it for me.
I'm a good mother. (and father too) There aren't many things I'd brag and say that I do well. But motherhood is one of them. I think this is why I pushed so hard during the infertility struggles. I knew I'd be a great mom.
I already have an awesome donor, Lucian would have a full sibling, it would only cost me $300 for the sperm sample (that's assuming it worked with one try - it's my dream so I might as well go for the gold, right?)
But it's not a realistic dream at this point in my life. But my heart still dreams about it anyway. If I won the lottery, my first call would be to the fertility clinic.
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