I had a conversation with my brother this morning. I'm not able to talk to him as much as I'd like, because he works all the time. Like twelve hour days.
Anyway, during this somewhat rare conversation we had, he said something to me that I've been thinking a lot about. He said - I want to try and live in the present, make peace with my past, and stop worrying about the future. That's true happiness. (this is not a direct quote, by the way)
I wish I could learn that this is the moment I need to be happy in.
I have plenty of happy moments. Most of them involve Lucian. But the rest of the time, I'm not. Even though I realize that I'm in a better place than I was last year, the year before, or even where I was during the facade that was my marriage. Even though I'm thankful for everything I do have: the baby I dreamed of, a supportive family, a roof over my head, I'm not happy now.
I've always been a glass is half full kind of person. I don't feel like that same person anymore. I realize that I'm in a transition, which is necessary to become the person I'm going to be. Like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. I need to experience all this. Even though it's so hard. I wish I could wrap up in my cocoon until the butterfly in me comes out.
About Me
- stella
- United States
- I'm a 30-something mom to a wonderful little boy named Lucian, who was conceived using a sperm donor and IUI. Previous to that, I did IVF twice. I've had type 1 diabetes for almost twenty-five years and have used an insulin pump for eight. I'm currently using the Deltec Cozmo. I'm divorced from Nemo, who left me while I was pregnant. I'm currently single, without a job, and living with my parents. I'm not a writer, just someone with a story to tell. All events are factual to the best of my memory. Names are changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
1 comment:
When I was going through my divorce, my brother reminded me that you only live once, so you'd better get it right.
Sorry about your sociopath ex... I just tuned in now, but read quite a bit. Doesn't sound fun. I finally left my ex after way too many years (13, to be exact) and found myself a happy single mom of 3 (all from IVF). I had done all the mourning of the marriage beforehand, so the divorce was purely a relief.
I remarried an amazing guy and we quickly had 2 children (a year apart). It is amazing what a REAL marriage is like... Anyway, just wanted to give you some hope :-) There are great people out there, you just have to be lucky enough to meet them :-)
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