It's late, and maybe I'm just tired

Tonight I had dinner with Nemo. With Lucian of course. For awhile now, we've had swim classes on Friday nights, and this week's class was cancelled. Nemo e-mailed me earlier in the week and asked if I'd like to go out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.

I should mention that not only was it one of our favorite restaurants, it's also somewhere that Nemo worked during high school, his parents are close family friends of the head chef, and friends of the owner. On top of that, it's also a banquet hall, and we had our wedding reception there.

So it's a nice place, with lots of memories. I wanted to say no, but I wasn't sure how to. We've both been working hard at finding solutions instead of creating problems, that I'm trying to honor innocent, easy requests. I mean, a dinner where you don't order at the counter? How could I refuse?

I hadn't been to this restaurant since my baby shower. When Lucian and I arrived, it was like my old life and new life colliding. I remembered all the good things, and those are just as painful for me. Sometimes I'm able to pretend that Nemo doesn't exist, like that part of my life never happened. I'm even able to avoid most of our old haunts, as my parents' house is far enough away that there are many other choices, without it seeming deliberate that I'm avoiding some place in particular.

I haven't updated my blog in forever, and now here I am rambling on and on about going to dinner on one night out of my entire life. It's not like I don't have dinner with Nemo once a week already. I'm bothered that a location bothers me. That a building or an idea of it, can hold so much power over me. I hate that. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to others or not, and I hate that my mind works this way.

(Side note: my grandparents moved out of state to live with an aunt in 1992. My aunt added a complete addition onto her house for them. They both died in 1994. In 2001, I visited for a cousin's wedding. I could not go into my grandparents' "apartment". It had been almost 7 years! It was just to painful for me even then. So this feeling is not new for me.)

Back to the dinner: I had a wonderful meal. Lucian was very well behaved (he doesn't usually even sit still for fast food.) The family friends were very kind to me. I can't think of one complaint, besides I left and just felt very sad.

There's an emptiness in me. Maybe it's a bit of self-pity, I don't know. I feel ridiculous that I've cried tonight over a restaurant. I guess I'm crying for my old life and I'm not sure why, because it wasn't authentic or true. It was a lie, and I'm better for knowing it. My new life is full of love, happiness, truth, and peace. Why am I so sad?

I was going to end there, but I don't want to end this post so depressing. So I'll tell you what happened on the way home. It's about a 30-35 minute drive through suburbia. With Mr. Non-stop-talker in the back seat:

Look Mama! School bus! Look Mama! big truck! Look Mama! Buh-geh King! Mama Buhgeh King! Look Mama! Pia! (pizza) Pia! Eat pia! Look Mama! Mahdonnal's! Hambuhgeh!

Maybe I should be scared that he's such a big fan of fast food, but it's so darn cute. I feel better already.