Moving on... slowly

I hate bloggers like me. You get you all involved in their stories, and then they fade out of existence.

The truth is, I think about my blog every day. Multiple times. Because not only am I obsessive, I am guilt ridden about mostly everything. (I'm a therapist's dream!)

Lucian is keeping me very busy these days. He's intelligent, intense, demanding, and full of energy. I adore him (of course!) and I enjoy every minute with him, but I'm not able to accomplish things while he's in my presence. Things like laundry, cleaning, etc. have to wait until he's asleep. Add to it my e*bay selling, and there's not much time left. I haven't had good success getting Lucian to play by himself for long. He will watch videos (certain videos at certain times) which months ago I couldn't get him interested in. Actually, he was interested, just more interested in his toys.

We play trains quite a bit. It's still his favorite. The other day, he asked me to play - Mama, play choo choo's? Please! I was cleaning the kitchen and told him to wait a few minutes. So he calls out to my Dad (his favorite train playing companion by far because my Dad indulges him more than anyone) who was trying to get dressed. Then he called out to my Mom, who was doing her hair. When none of us were takers, he asked the dog. In the most serious, pleading voice. He cracks me up every day.

My Dad's job is in jeopardy. We're not sure if his company is selling or closing, but something is happening and he might not have a job one way or the other come next month. We're all trying to be positive about it. He's on insulin now (and doing wonderfully) but that may affect his job choices in the future. It's out of my hands, and I'm just trying to keep the faith that things work themselves out one way or the other.

I'm sure you're wondering - what about Nemo? I wish I had been keeping a better record of events, conversations and feelings, because I can see the point I was at before, and the place I'm at now, but I'm not quite sure how to draw the line between the two.

I'm doing an unbelievable job at forgiveness. Basically what I've done is said - I am forgiving Nemo, and I've been repeating it any time I feel anything negative. There's still a lot of things that I can't think about because they hurt too much. Just this week, after a friend started talking about feeling her baby kicking, I painfully remembered that I could not get Nemo to place his hand on my stomach when I first felt kicking from the outside. While both my parents and my sister fought for a good spot, Nemo was half way across the room, barely able to pay attention. He never once felt the baby kick. I can't think about it because these things hurt me down to my soul. When I get down about these feelings, I put it out of my mind and pick myself up again. Some days it's easier than others. One day the jolt of pain won't be so severe.

Things have been a gazillion times better than they were just a year ago. Nemo has apologized to me. He's admitted that he threw our life together away. He's taken full responsibility for his actions. He's admitted to verbally and mentally abusing me. He's been working with me, instead of against me. He's shared some things with me that I can't say to the public, but let's just say that there were things in his life that he never told me about, that I have sympathy for. He's getting professional help, has made better decisions, and I believe is trying to turn his life around. I am happy for him and wish him the best. I hope that he'll turn the mess of his life into something positive.

With all these good changes, I still know of some recent lies. He's not 100% honest with me. I still worry about Lucian in his care. I was blind to a great many things about Nemo and I'm now seeing some of these things through different eyes. I guess it's a mother's job to worry. With Lucian talking more and more, it will only get easier because I'll be able to communicate with him about his safety. Hopefully that will be enough to help him make good choices when he's around Nemo.

About a month ago, Nemo and I took Lucian to a train event. We spent the day at a local tourist park, riding the train, having lunch together, and walking around seeing the sites. I think I can speak for all of us, it was a good time. I'd still rather not have Nemo in my life, but since he is, I'm going to make the best of it. And I'll admit, it was nice having someone else's help chasing Lucian. I've missed Nemo, my friend, and I think I have that person back. Maybe not in the same way or same form, but it's not uncomfortable between us. Looking at us, you'd never know that we weren't a happy couple with a toddler. I'm trying to look at it like he's a new person. My new friend, Nemo. A friendship with boundaries. And then I get to go home with my son and have my own life.