I just had the one year anniversary of moving in with my parents. In the next week, I will celebrate one year that my divorce has been final. (Coincidentally, the divorce was final just the day before what would have been our sixth anniversary.)
I had ten months to prepare for the move to my parents' house. I physically started packing things over six months before the final box was carried out the door. I had time to look at every item in the house: Will I need this in my new life? Is it fair or unfair for me to take or leave it? Is this worth fighting over? Will Nemo even know it's gone? Definitely my obsessive behavior coming out there!
Nemo never said more than a few words about me moving. Every once in awhile, he'd say - what happened to the wine rack? (moved to a different room so my crawling son wouldn't get into it, duh) or - have you seen my winter coat/gloves/favorite shirt/sandals/etc? (banished all that stuff from my sight, but not the house, try looking in your own closet, you idiot) But for the most part, he was pretty clueless about anything I had packed or relocated.
Moving day came on a Sunday. Most of our furniture had either been his or mine from before our marriage so it wasn't hard to divide. Surprisingly, we had come to an agreement early on regarding the other furniture that we had bought together. And even though friends and family thought that I should take everything I could get my hands on, because he deserved nothing for what he did, I didn't want to start any arguments with him, so I left him half.
We never really decided who was going to take what other than those few couches and tables. There was a great deal of other things that we both wanted: the $1800 camera that Nemo had bought right at the same time he bought Elvira a $500 watch which I thought should belong to me, and Tivo, specifically.
On moving day, most of my furniture and boxes were loaded up to take to my parents' house. I realized then that there was alot more that I had missed that I didn't have time for that day. So I postponed actually leaving. I knew that I'd never be able to retrieve something later if I left it, so I wanted to go through everything with a fine toothed comb.
I need to back the train up a bit and tell you that as a shower gift, my Mom painted the baby's room. She painted a mural that covered every inch of the walls and took her over 125 hours. (depicted in the photo above, although the mural was not completely finished when the photo was taken. And, that was only part of one wall.) Nemo's parents bought us the baby furniture. On moving day, I had cleared out Lucian's room, besides the crib.
One night later that week, Nemo came home from work. My parents were there, and we were going to go out to dinner so Nemo could have some parenting time. Upon returning, Nemo started screaming at me. He had noticed that I took the baby furniture that his parents had bought. I tried reasoning with him. I couldn't exactly take a mural with me, so he could keep that. Where was the baby to sleep if not in the crib that was specifically purchased for him? I wasn't about to go out and buy new furniture. It's a ridiculous argument to have.
Nemo kept yelling, and started calling me names. I was frightened. After seeing his behavior from the previous year, I thought that he might get violent. My Mom stepped up and started trying to reason with him also. Have you ever argued with crazy? It's completely impossible. My Dad sat quietly, not wanting to get involved.
[side note: I had a long talk with my Dad after this incident. I told him that he needed to step up and defend me and not sit idly by. Not long after this particular day came Lucian's birthday, where my Dad stepped up to the plate with grace.]
Nemo eventually got so mad that he left. Maybe he felt that he might be violent, I don't know. I was truly terrified of him that night. When I have moments where Nemo is putting on his I'm-a-nice-guy-how-could-you-think-otherwise? act, I remember that night and I can't forget my feelings of terror.
What if my parents hadn't been there? That is what scares me the most.
My parents helped me get everything else out of the house in the next two days. I felt like a criminal because alot of the stuff was moved out after dark. Because I didn't know when Nemo would return (alot of times he would arrive at crazy hours), I felt the pressure of getting out of there quickly and quietly. It's not my proudest moment sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night. Even though I was only taking what was mine, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, and the law had not made me feel otherwise.
In my mind, I still walk through the house. I visit all the rooms, opening drawers, looking out windows, remembering how my fingers touched the door knobs and how my feet felt cold on the tile. I remember my pregnancy and feeling trapped in my dream house, the crying and sobbing and anguish that took hold of me when I lay on the kitchen floor in a ball. I remember cleaning ceiling fans, hanging Christmas lights, and mourning the losses of my IVFs. I can hear the doorbell ringing when Elvira came to the door and feel the panic and fear in my chest. It's all saved in my head, never to be forgotten. I can't always pull out those memories, they're a big knot that I can't seem to figure out where to start. It pains me too much to try and even think about unraveling it, let alone actually getting it loose.
Emotionally I've been weak for the past few weeks; I've been having a difficult time. I've been in a hard place. But it's not as hard as it was. I'm in a brighter place now. There's hope. My doorbell doesn't ring in the middle of the night. I haven't had to clean a ceiling fan and I've never lay crying on the floor in the fetal position, or screamed at the top of my lungs til I could no longer use my voice. There's order here, a predictability that gets me through the day, even the hard ones. I'm surrounded by love and respect, faith, peace and happiness. I'm so thankful for what I have.
There are still many demons lurking around. I mean, Nemo is still in the picture. But my son and I are safe and loved, and that's the biggest blessing there is.
Oh, and I did take the crib and the camera. And my amazingly wonderful parents bought me a new Tivo of my very own.
I had ten months to prepare for the move to my parents' house. I physically started packing things over six months before the final box was carried out the door. I had time to look at every item in the house: Will I need this in my new life? Is it fair or unfair for me to take or leave it? Is this worth fighting over? Will Nemo even know it's gone? Definitely my obsessive behavior coming out there!
Nemo never said more than a few words about me moving. Every once in awhile, he'd say - what happened to the wine rack? (moved to a different room so my crawling son wouldn't get into it, duh) or - have you seen my winter coat/gloves/favorite shirt/sandals/etc? (banished all that stuff from my sight, but not the house, try looking in your own closet, you idiot) But for the most part, he was pretty clueless about anything I had packed or relocated.
Moving day came on a Sunday. Most of our furniture had either been his or mine from before our marriage so it wasn't hard to divide. Surprisingly, we had come to an agreement early on regarding the other furniture that we had bought together. And even though friends and family thought that I should take everything I could get my hands on, because he deserved nothing for what he did, I didn't want to start any arguments with him, so I left him half.
We never really decided who was going to take what other than those few couches and tables. There was a great deal of other things that we both wanted: the $1800 camera that Nemo had bought right at the same time he bought Elvira a $500 watch which I thought should belong to me, and Tivo, specifically.
On moving day, most of my furniture and boxes were loaded up to take to my parents' house. I realized then that there was alot more that I had missed that I didn't have time for that day. So I postponed actually leaving. I knew that I'd never be able to retrieve something later if I left it, so I wanted to go through everything with a fine toothed comb.
I need to back the train up a bit and tell you that as a shower gift, my Mom painted the baby's room. She painted a mural that covered every inch of the walls and took her over 125 hours. (depicted in the photo above, although the mural was not completely finished when the photo was taken. And, that was only part of one wall.) Nemo's parents bought us the baby furniture. On moving day, I had cleared out Lucian's room, besides the crib.
One night later that week, Nemo came home from work. My parents were there, and we were going to go out to dinner so Nemo could have some parenting time. Upon returning, Nemo started screaming at me. He had noticed that I took the baby furniture that his parents had bought. I tried reasoning with him. I couldn't exactly take a mural with me, so he could keep that. Where was the baby to sleep if not in the crib that was specifically purchased for him? I wasn't about to go out and buy new furniture. It's a ridiculous argument to have.
Nemo kept yelling, and started calling me names. I was frightened. After seeing his behavior from the previous year, I thought that he might get violent. My Mom stepped up and started trying to reason with him also. Have you ever argued with crazy? It's completely impossible. My Dad sat quietly, not wanting to get involved.
[side note: I had a long talk with my Dad after this incident. I told him that he needed to step up and defend me and not sit idly by. Not long after this particular day came Lucian's birthday, where my Dad stepped up to the plate with grace.]
Nemo eventually got so mad that he left. Maybe he felt that he might be violent, I don't know. I was truly terrified of him that night. When I have moments where Nemo is putting on his I'm-a-nice-guy-how-could-you-think-otherwise? act, I remember that night and I can't forget my feelings of terror.
What if my parents hadn't been there? That is what scares me the most.
My parents helped me get everything else out of the house in the next two days. I felt like a criminal because alot of the stuff was moved out after dark. Because I didn't know when Nemo would return (alot of times he would arrive at crazy hours), I felt the pressure of getting out of there quickly and quietly. It's not my proudest moment sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night. Even though I was only taking what was mine, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, and the law had not made me feel otherwise.
In my mind, I still walk through the house. I visit all the rooms, opening drawers, looking out windows, remembering how my fingers touched the door knobs and how my feet felt cold on the tile. I remember my pregnancy and feeling trapped in my dream house, the crying and sobbing and anguish that took hold of me when I lay on the kitchen floor in a ball. I remember cleaning ceiling fans, hanging Christmas lights, and mourning the losses of my IVFs. I can hear the doorbell ringing when Elvira came to the door and feel the panic and fear in my chest. It's all saved in my head, never to be forgotten. I can't always pull out those memories, they're a big knot that I can't seem to figure out where to start. It pains me too much to try and even think about unraveling it, let alone actually getting it loose.
Emotionally I've been weak for the past few weeks; I've been having a difficult time. I've been in a hard place. But it's not as hard as it was. I'm in a brighter place now. There's hope. My doorbell doesn't ring in the middle of the night. I haven't had to clean a ceiling fan and I've never lay crying on the floor in the fetal position, or screamed at the top of my lungs til I could no longer use my voice. There's order here, a predictability that gets me through the day, even the hard ones. I'm surrounded by love and respect, faith, peace and happiness. I'm so thankful for what I have.
There are still many demons lurking around. I mean, Nemo is still in the picture. But my son and I are safe and loved, and that's the biggest blessing there is.
Oh, and I did take the crib and the camera. And my amazingly wonderful parents bought me a new Tivo of my very own.
1 comment:
You truly have my admiration for all that you have endured.
Meri-ann x
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