Breakdown

Prior to two and a half years ago, I used to handle stress pretty well. I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason why I've turned into a total basket case. Maybe it's all the reasons put together: pregnancy, baby, divorce, moving, trust issues, joblessness, etc. Any little thing can be the straw that broke my camel's back. The snap that makes my life seem unbearable.

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.

I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.

I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.

The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)

So here's what I found out:

1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.

2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.

3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.

4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)

5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.

After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.

I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.

I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?

A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.

And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)

What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)

I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.

I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.

I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.

I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?

I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.

This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.

The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.