Lucian's conception

As I've said in a couple of other posts, my son is a miracle. Every baby/person is a miracle, but Lucian's existence is a miracle of timing.

Since Nemo and I had skipped steps that most couples take (because with male factor infertility we had to go right to IVF) we had to backtrack a bit. I started charting my temperature and bought an ovulation predictor kit. It was an odd feeling for me, after three years of infertility, that I might be able to get pregnant pretty much on my own.

Nemo had a trip scheduled to Las Vegas with his friends in mid-March. I was unhappy about the trip. There were probably ten people going, and some of them were bringing their wives. Nemo had not invited me, and made it clear that he wanted to spend some time with his friends without me. I was a different person then; I accepted a lot of his behavior because I didn't know that I had a choice. I allowed him to go, because it seemed easier to just let him go than to argue.

Before the trip, I had been doing the ovulation prediction. Days went by and I wasn't getting a positive. So I gave up, thinking that maybe I had ovulated really early. (I have a luteal phase defect which I thought had thrown things off.) Three days later, Nemo was set to leave. I had one stick left and decided to use it on a whim. I was shocked when the color turned.

I called the clinic, and they had me come in for an ultrasound. My IUI would be the next day. Since it would be a Saturday, I was to go pick up the frozen specimen myself before the procedure.

I dropped Nemo off at the airport that night. Saturday morning, I woke up early and went to the cryobank. They gave me the vial of the donor we had chosen, telling me to keep it in my pocket until I arrived at the clinic.

Everything went according to the textbook at the clinic. The nurse told me that the sperm count was 80 million and performed the IUI. Half an hour later, I was on my way home. Two weeks later, I would find out I was pregnant.

Nemo had started acting funny the week he left for Las Vegas and I had the IUI. In fact, I questioned him about his behavior before he left. He claimed that he was fine, just needed some time with his friends. I think if it had been a month later, I wouldn't have gone through with the insemination at all. Because by April, Nemo was spending hardly any evenings at home. (although it would take me months to discover Elvira.)

I'm angry at Nemo for so many things. Mostly though, I'm angry that he okayed the use of donor sperm and then abandoned me during the pregnancy (unless it involved looking good for the sake of his family) and after Lucian was born, abandoning both of us. I'm angry that Nemo wasn't there for the insemination, that he chose his friends over me, and the procedure that would give us Lucian.

It pains me to think about Lucian's conception, my pregnancy and the birth. I'm trying to get past the anger. I haven't been very successful yet at letting it go. Someday, I'll look back and all I'll see is the joy of Lucian. Someday.