Meltdown

Nemo came over for his parenting time last night. We had dinner, then Nemo and Lucian proceeded to watch the choo choo movie, while I spent a leisurely hour reading. Nemo asked me about Christmas gifts for Lucian. We spoke a little about his grandmother, who is in poor health. He told us about a tv program he had seen that might help my Mom's business. At one point, I had to discipline Lucian by putting him timeout, and Nemo supported my actions.

Since this seems like a rather lovely evening (as far as spending time with Nemo goes), what complaint could I possibly have? Because you know I have one...

Last night, and for a few weeks now, Nemo has been participating in life again. He's communicating more, asking questions, getting involved in people's lives again.

As happy as I am that Nemo is easier to be around, I can't help but feel that all the pain and torment I went through by his doing is being glossed over. Because old Nemo is coming back!

It's easy to fall back into a relationship with an old friend after a fight. Even a sister, brother, or parent. But a wife/husband? It's much more complicated. I had to leave our marriage because it was killing my soul. I made the right decision, and I don't regret it for a minute. But having others see Nemo as being himself again feels like it's diminishing my suffering. And although I'm trying to "lay it down" (as my mother says), or work through it so I'm not carrying the pain around with me forever, I haven't reached that point yet. It still hurts me to think of all the nasty emotional games Nemo played with me. (I also don't want to be a victim forever, but for the moment, I'm still in the midst of feeling like one.)

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a bad feeling? And you can't figure out the reason for it? Then you realize that you had a bad dream. And even if you can or can't remember the details, those negative feelings follow you around for awhile? That's kind of how I felt last night. My rational side was like - it went great tonight, why are you complaining? But I couldn't help feeling... I don't know, not positive.

I had gotten used to the new Nemo. I knew what to expect. Now that I'm seeing glimpses of my old Nemo, it confuses me.

(Let me make it clearn that I don't want to get back together with him. And I really mean that I do not want to get back together with him. Forevermore, in my eyes, Nemo will walk hand and hand with untruths and manipulations. I can never see one without seeing the other. I will never be able to look at Nemo and not see the person who wouldn't come pick me up at the hospital after giving birth to Lucian, or that night, when he left me alone with a newborn when I couldn't even bend over due to the c-section incision. The way I see it, once a murderer, you're always a murderer. Even if you've served your time you can't take it away. Once a diabetic, always a diabetic. It's still there, even if you don't always see it. Maybe you can move on from the past, but you can't rewrite history.)

So there I was last night, after Nemo left, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me. I got over-emotional and worked up, started crying and obsessing. I couldn't figure out why when it seemed like things went really well. Then it hit me what my meltdown was about: my past colliding with my present and future. I've never handled any kind of change well, even positive change. The emotions are too much for me. When a two year old has a tantrum because his environment, emotions and communication skills aren't in sync, I understand, because that's what happened to me last night.

Today I'm feeling better. I've been able to talk my way through it. Thanks to my wonderful medication, (have I mentioned lately how great I feel?) I still feel stable. I'm even glad it happened because I learned a little more about the feelings I encountered.

I'm still hoping that he rides off into the sunset and leaves Lucian and me alone. A girl's gotta have a fantasy, right?