Today I heard from a friend that she's going to be getting a divorce. Her husband told her that he wants out of the marriage, that he no longer loves her. She doesn't think that there's another woman in the picture. But I don't believe that.
Truth be told, myself and some others thought their marriage was heading towards divorce for awhile now. They've had some problems that have been obvious to others, although not so obvious to them, I guess.
My heart goes out to her. I recognize many of the feelings that she's experiencing. Her life as she knows it is ending.
Eighteen months ago, when I told her that I had filed for divorce, I also told her about Nemo having very little contact with Lucian. That he had no interest, and had told me that Lucian would be living with me. What she told me then was - but he's his father! Of course, you'll both be splitting time with Lucian. I remember being incredibly upset, thinking about my helpless two month old spending time with my helpless, drug using, str*ipper loving, evil, idiot husband. I couldn't bare it.
So today I asked her what she thought was going to happen to her three kids. She said - they'll be staying with me, and I doubt that he'll really want to spend any time with them, since he hardly sees them now. I didn't say anything, because I remember still how hurt her comment made me. But the fact is, once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain, he'll be interested in them too. And legally, he has every right.
I fought for Lucian, because I love him. Because I want what's best for him, for his safety, his emotional and physical well being. Nemo only fights when he thinks it will get him something in return, or to hurt me. And sadly, this is his legal right too.
Divorce really sucks. No one wins. Then again, infertility sucks, diabetes sucks, but somehow I've come out on the other side alive from all this stuff. I've made my peace with diabetes. I'm nearly successful with infertility, and I'm trying hard to find peace with the divorce.
I'm a symbol of hope for her. Hope that things do get better with time. Hope that the painfulness will subside. I still have a long way to go, and I'm thankful to be where I am now, rather than where I was even a year ago.
Even having hope, it still sucks.
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3 comments:
Currently a father myself, and having been the child of divorced parents, and being the brother to a divorced parent I had issue with your statement, "But the fact is, once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain, he'll be interested in them too." I understand if you hold some resentment towards your ex-husband and if this is how he views your child, then shame on him. But, your statement is no fact. The relationship I had with my mother's ex-husband (my dad), the relationship my nephew has with his mother’s ex-husband (my brother) and the relationship I have with my daughter has with her mother's husband (me) has nothing to do with the mothers. They are all relationships that are built on the love a father feels for a child. Those relationships don’t just die or all of a sudden manifest when marriages fall apart.
Hi fountainhead,
Thanks for your comment.
When I'm speaking on my blog, I am in no way claiming to be an expert on anything but my own life. I am writing from my own personal experiences. If you've read any of my blog, you'll see that my son has very little relationship with my ex-husband. This is not to say that you, your dad, brother, nephew, etc don't have wonderful relationships. I know nothing about them and the comment wasn't directed at you (or anyone else in particular).
In my experience, and the observations I've had with this particular friend, I feel that my statement was justified.
In my case in particular, Nemo showed no interest in Lucian until we went to the friend of the court. Since then, he has fluctuated, but mostly shows minimal interest.
That being said, I have an awesome relationship with my Dad. It has nothing to do with my Mom. There's a full spectrum of father-child relationships. My Dad and I are at one end, Nemo and Lucian are at the other.
I'm glad to hear that it sounds like your relationships are positive.
-Stella
Well you do know more about your life and your friends than I do, so you're right, you are justified with your statement. I should have read it as such, but I unfortunately took it as blanket statement.
I have read some of your blog and there is one thing I am curious about, how old is Nemo? You stated that you are 30-something, but his actions seem to be those of a 20-something or teenager even.
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