Infertility, part 1

I had never considered how painful infertility was until Nemo and I found out that we couldn't have kids. We hadn't even started trying.

I knew that I wanted to have children. I didn't know how hard it would be, or what lengths I would go to to fulfill that dream.

Being diabetic, I knew that made pregnancy trickier, although not impossible.

In early 2001, I sent Nemo to my endocrinologist because I thought he had a thyroid problem. After running tests, the doctor determined that he had low testosterone. (which usually happens to men a bit later in life, not in their 20's). He said that he wanted to do a sperm count. The first one came back at less than 100,000. At the time, I thought that was okay. I mean, it only takes one, right?

Nemo had other sperm counts come back at zero. No alive sperm.

We consulted a urologist. Nemo went through a few procedures, that were uncomfortable to say the least. (the words aspiration and testicles in the same sentence just sounds painful) He was on board for everything. Took the time off of work, paid the doctor bills that weren't covered, and was fully supportive in our quest to have a child.

It was slowly sinking in for me that we might never have children. After alot of thought, I decided that I was willing to pursue any avenue to have a baby. Nemo, however, was against adoption. He thought that he couldn't love a child that wasn't his. I didn't share this feeling, but I respected his decision.

So we started the long road to IVF. Since we found that Nemo produced small quantities of immature (but alive) sperm via a biopsy of his testicles, IVF with ICSI was the only way to go. The actual procedures were painful and expensive, not to mention the drugs, surgeries and uncertainties that come along with it.

We did three IVF's. Each one turning out negative. It got harder each time. The disappointment of it was a bitter pill to swallow. I just couldn't imagine my life without children.

All around me, people got pregnant easily. That made it even more difficult. The general fertile public doesn't understand just how painful it is to be on the other side. Baby shower invitations, minivan commercials, birthday parties, kids at restaurants, maternity clothes, Christmas cards, you name it and it tugged on my heart strings. Kids are everywhere!

Those few years were hard, plain hard. I cried alot, particularly on holidays. Even now, I think about the sadness that consumed me, and it's still painful, even with my Lucian.

I also think about all my embryos that didn't make it. Who they could have been. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If one of those embryos had made it, I wouldn't have Lucian. Wouldn't have pushed further on.