Friday, June 29, 2007

My COBRA insurance ended a couple of months ago. I was thrilled that I found new, personal health insurance through the same insurance company. I was also thrilled with the cost, less than half of what I was previously paying through COBRA. However, I'm not thrilled with the coverage and finding out that many services are not covered.

It struck me particularly hard when I realized that it covers nothing for my mental health. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months or so, but I see my therapist weekly. The psychiatrist charges about $200, and $800/year is not an unfeasible amount to come up with. My therapist charges $160, and it's nearly impossible for me to come up with over $600 a month to cover that cost.

So sadly, I told my therapist this week that I could no longer afford her services, and we've agreed to start weaning me off the therapy. I'll be going once a month for a few months and we'll see.

That was 3 days ago. Since then, the following things have happened to me:

1. Found out that the company my Dad works for will be closing its doors in one week.

2. Been babysitting for kids that I adore but require a great deal of attention and I'm stressed out (ie - 9 yr old asked me today how Nemo's therapy was going...)

3. Had a breakdown after taking Lucian out for dinner with friends; he behaved hideously and in addition I had to listen to how wonderful everyone else's lives are (vacations, babies, weddings, etc) so we left early and both of us cried the whole way home. I was having a moment of pity about how hard it is being a single parent without someone to fall back upon.

4. I'm trying to organize a bachelorette party for my sister - imagine the non-drinker/full time mother who gets her pajamas on at 7 pm trying to throw a party for major partiers/drinkers that doesn't feel incredibly lame. I have nothing against drinking and partying, it just doesn't fit my current lifestyle. And to be honest, I never fit into that lifestyle, I'm much too controlling.

5. For Nemo's birthday we were planning to get together for dinner. Said he was going to call me and never did. Felt like I was transported to 3 years ago when he would never call me back and I'd leave messages saying - just call me if you're alive. I'm disappointed in myself because he's been communicating better lately and I believed that he was going to call me. I'm even more disappointed in myself because I took Lucian shopping for a gift and told him it was Nemo's birthday. So Lucian was singing Happy Birthday and saying Daddy's birthday! all day. Breaking my heart each time.

6. I'm incredibly frustrated with my diabetes. I haven't had good numbers in weeks. I feel like all I do is correct the high numbers, and increase my basals. Maybe it's stress. The highs stress me out more. And I think the insulin makes me hungrier. Which makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail: high, more insulin, weight gain... round and round. And my insulin prescription was $100. Totally stressful.

Only 3 more weeks until I can unload on my therapist.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Good for something

Last night Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner. I chose the restaurant: it was one of those design your own stir fry type of places and I thought it would be a more nutritious choice for Lucian than the usual hamburger/french fry combo.

When we go out to eat, I always try to get a booth because I can put Lucian closer to the wall and block his exit. He's long done with high chairs and booster seats. He can get up and jump around though, which is usually why I usually choose faster, waitress-free meals when we go out. When we have dinner with Nemo, Lucian always sits next to him. And I sit across and try to control all my feelings and emotions.

It used to be that I'd have to sit on my hands, nervously drink my Diet Coke and keep my mind occupied on something else. The control freak in me always wanted to jump in to meet Lucian's every need. It was difficult to turn that over to someone else, particularly Nemo, even for one meal. Being in public and fearing an embarrassing scene didn't help me either.

I realized last night just how far I've come. Lucian was antsy, and quite full from the salad portion of the meal so he didn't want to eat. Nemo was successful getting him to eat a few bites of his meal, plus some soup and more of the vegetables from the salad. The restaurant was loud, busy, and distracting.

As I finished my meal, I sat back and observed Nemo and Lucian. Lucian was ready to leave, and Nemo was worn out. He was frazzled. We discussed how maybe Lucian just wasn't ready for that type of restaurant, despite our best intentions. I had a wonderful, relaxing meal. I was an observer and occasional commenter, but with Nemo attending to most of Lucian's needs, I was free to enjoy my meal. Maybe it wasn't the most relaxing meal I've ever eaten (is that even possible with a 2 year old??) but considering how most of our dinner's out go, it was very enjoyable.

This is one of the things I've missed being a single parent. Having someone there to help you. My parents do help me a great deal, but it's different having another parent to help you.

As the title of this post suggests, I've found that Nemo is good for something. Surprisingly, thanks to medication and therapy (on both our sides), I'm okay with relaxing a bit of my super tight control over the situation. And that's good for more than something, it's good for everything.