Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sick again

Lucian is sick again. Or should I say sick still, since he had a cold last week?

Last night I dropped him off at Nemo's parents' house. On the way over, he was quietly reading his Thomas the tank engine brochure that he likes to study in the car. He was so quiet, I thought maybe he had fallen asleep. Usually he reads and points at things - car! bus! trees! When we dropped him off, he was fine.

My Mom and I went shopping. An hour into it (and before we got to eat dinner I might add), I received a call from Nemo saying that Lucian was screaming his head off. They couldn't get him to eat or stop crying. I said I'd be right there, and we went and picked him up.

We were able to get him to stop crying, but he wasn't himself. We ended up taking him to the after hours clinic at the hospital. We had an amazing doctor who was incredibly patient with Lucian. He told us that Lucian has hand, foot and mouth disease. (I thought it sounded like something that horses get so I looked it up and that's called hoof and mouth disease)

Although it sounds worse, it's just a virus and he should be back to normal in a few days.

I was very happy with the way that Nemo and his parents handled the problem. I'm glad they called and deferred everything to me. It was a good lesson for them too - normally they see only the best side of Lucian, when he's happy, clean, well, and rested.

It gives me a bit of hope for the future. What a strange package it came in.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

My response

After the e-mail from Nemo yesterday, and hours of deliberation including debating it from all angles with my Mom and sleeping on it (which always seems to give me a better perspective), I decided to e-mail Nemo back.

What I really wanted to do was yell and scream - #%*@ you!! I'm usually such a calm, rational, in control at all costs type of person. I've had way more than I can handle of him.

Nemo does whatever he wants, whatever suits him in the moment. He thinks about no one besides himself. Ever. So after treating me the way he did, he has no problem coming to me and continuously asking for more. Like he deserves more. Because he's so very sorry. And can't I just get over it?

I decided that the best way to handle Nemo is to yes yes him and blow him off like I don't really care about any of it. Like I'm too busy and didn't just spend the last 24 hours trying to decide what I should say, so my words aren't engraved in an e-mail for years to come and haunt me. I decided that one sentence would be best.

This is what I said:
Lucian can call you whatever you'd like him to call you.

To which he responded:

Thank you!!
Oh what a happy day it is when Nemo is happy. Ha. I won't be calling Nemo daddy for a long time to come, if ever. But he doesn't need to know that. I won't be referring to him as Lucian's father. In all the years I was married to Nemo, I never addressed either of his parents by any name. I asked Nemo to ask them what they wanted to be called, and he never would. So I figure I'll just continue doing with Nemo what I've already been doing with his parents.

For the moment, the drama has passed yet again. Tomorrow, who knows? I'm just trying to take one day at a time.

Monday, August 28, 2006

E-mail from Nemo

I know I'm going to take some heat from saying this, because if I was not in my current situation, I'd probably feel the same way. I really want Nemo out of mine and Lucian's life. This is not news to anyone that has followed my blog.

Nemo has turned into a bad influence that I don't want my son to be around. He's treated me awful, and Lucian too. Lucian just doesn't remember. And I really don't think that Nemo has turned his life around in a positive way. He is showing more interest in Lucian lately. Which I guess would be a good thing for most dads to show, however, I believe that he's setting Lucian up for a fall.

Today I received the following e-mail from Nemo:
I have a question. Do you plan on not letting Lucian call me dad? I feel I am his father and it would be nice not to have you or your family undermine that. I know you will tell him i am not biologically his dad but in all other aspects i will be! I love him and only wan the best for him. i know i hurt you and you feel betrayed! i can not go back and change things. i can only make a difference in the future. if i could i would go back and make things different! I am sorry!!

On Friday when my Mom and I picked Lucian up, my Mom told Lucian to say good-bye to Nemo. She didn't say - say good-bye to your dad. Obviously, Nemo noticed.

I wish that Nemo actually meant those things that he said in the e-mail. But he lies all the time. What this e-mail boils down to is that he wants to look the part for his family. I'm sure what happened was that Nemo's dad noticed that my mom didn't call Nemo dad, and said something to Nemo. (could you follow that?)

I feel torn. I still can't call Nemo Lucian's father. For so many reasons. None of them have to do with the fact that Nemo isn't Lucian's biological father. They are not even because Nemo treated me badly. It's because he's treated Lucian badly. I mean, what kind of father chooses to leave his newborn son the first night he's home from the hospital for a str*ipper? What kind of father disappears for ten days when his son is only a month old? (at that point that was a third of his life that he missed) What kind of father doesn't greet the child when he arrives home? What kind of father won't stop smoking in the car for his child? What kind of father has to be pressured by his parents just to spend time with his son? Really.

I've wrestled with this before, and never came to any conclusion. I knew that sooner or later Nemo would notice that I've never called him anything in reference to being a dad. I still don't feel that those words can leave my mouth.

I don't know how I'm going to respond to this e-mail. If you have any thoughts, please comment. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of - I'm going to let Lucian choose what to call you, you big jerk! Maybe I'll leave out the big jerk part.

In the long run, I realize that I'm holding onto this and the only person that's it's bothering is me. Nemo is Lucian's legal father and there's nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes I really hate the circumstances I'm in.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

My future: (insert something here)

Yesterday I wrote about Nemo's job prospect. Today I'm writing about mine.

I don't want to work and I'm putting off finding a job. I'm not normally a lazy person (and I'm certainly not lounging around all day - I'm chasing a 21 month old) but I can't seem to find it in me to take the job search seriously.

I know that I need a job. Not only do I need more of an income than my child support provides, I need the health insurance. And I need good health insurance. Damn this diabetes of mine.

When I was in college, I knew all this. Even so, I was flighty when it came to what I wanted to do with my life. I was a good student in high school, but by the time I got to college, I was burned out. I started off being pre-med but after a semester I decided I didn't have it in me to pursue being a doctor. (Strangely enough, over the years, I have educated more doctors than they have educated me.)

I changed my major to business and pretty much floated my way through the rest of my college experience. I envisioned myself working a 9-5 type job that paid well, that would give me good health insurance, and nights and weekends off. What I didn't realize is that having a business degree does not equal obtaining a business job. (like generally how a teaching degree = teacher, a law degree = lawyer, a biophysicist degree = biophysicist, etc) After college, I had no idea what to do with myself. Even less of an idea than I did four years before.

I've had jobs in the meantime. Some more interesting, more demanding, more or less money (mostly less). But none of them have been a life calling. None of them opened me to other opportunities. None of them inspired me. In fact, they did the opposite. When I was laid off from my last job, I pretty much buried my head in the sand. I was on the baby quest too, but that was only part of it. I was afraid. Just as I am now.

Here I am over ten years out of college, with no goals. And call me depressed (because clinically, I am) but for the life of me, I don't even care. I have no idea what to do with my life. All I really want to do is be a 1950's housewife and stay home with my son. That's what inspires me. Nice goal, huh?

I haven't yet heard about that job I interviewed for. They're not making any decisions until next month. To be honest, I'm not all that excited about it, for the main reason that I fear I'd miss out on too much of Lucian's life because of the hours. And for the slightly smaller but still substantial reason that I really don't want to be a receptionist, even if it wasn't a permanent thing.

I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm pretty frustrated. And indifferent. And scared, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, and filled with dread. Pretty much the same feelings I've had for a long time now. Only now, I need to do something. Anything.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The new job that wasn't

A few weeks ago, Nemo let me know that he couldn't take advantage of his parenting time because he was going to an interview that was out of town. I get so excited that I don't really care what his excuse is, if we get a day to ourselves. But I always follow up on whatever the excuse du jour is. This has provided me with great entertainment because I know that his excuses are usually lies. And as time goes on and he's used up all the easy excuses (traffic, weather, etc) his lies have gotten more substantial.

When I followed up on his interview, he told me that the job was an hour away from my brother in the big city. He seemed to have quite a few details, so either it was the truth (always a possibility I guess) or he had given the lie some thought.

For awhile I got down on my knees and begged God for Nemo to get the job. I wished, I hoped, I bargained. I thought it would be a wonderful solution to the headache that is my parenting time problem.

As it turned out, Nemo got the job. But he decided not to take it. Apparently they were willing to pay good money (which obviously he needs) and moving costs. He told me that he didn't take it because he didn't want to leave Lucian. I may have bought that as an excuse if he was acting like a real father to Lucian. Lucian has never, ever been a priority for Nemo. Not once. So why now?

Maybe parts of story were true (the interview part? the location of the company?) but I still think it was a lie. What purpose it served, I'm not quite sure. He's big on talk and little on action, so maybe it was all to con me. Maybe he had the interview but didn't get the job. Maybe he got the job but decided not to take it because his dad offered him more money to support his drug habit. Maybe he couldn't leave his legion of ex-girlfriends and str*ippers.

All I know is that I am disappointed that he isn't leaving the state.

Thursday, August 24, 2006


Last night, Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner. It's part of my let's see how Nemo and Lucian interact with each other plan. At this point, I still don't feel that Nemo has earned any trust from me. But the only way for that to happen is to see them together. And although he doesn't have my trust, I did witness Nemo being tender with Lucian, and even that was a positive step.

Lucian (aka Mr No Nap) made the whole affair a bit more difficult, but all in all, we had an okay time. Because, really, how great of a time can you have with your ex-husband who you despise, who lies every chance he gets, sleeps with any willing female, and looks and smells awful?

Back to the story: We met at a local fast food restaurant. You know, the one with the kid's meals and choking hazard toys because they never have the toddler toys? Anyway, we placed our order and when the girl told us the amount, Nemo said - I've got it. He gets his wallet out, reaches into the bill section and realizes that he doesn't have enough money. So he pulls out his debit card and hands it to the girl.

Seconds go by, I'm holding Lucian who wants to be put down but I can't let him run, so he's starting to freak out. The girl then says - your card was denied.

Why I was shocked, I'll never know. (Last summer, when it was our account, I was denied an $11 purchase at the grocery store. We used to receive overdraft notices in the mail daily. I'm not sure how Nemo ever paid all those fees back, we had so many.) I think I was surprised because I thought that even though Nemo is paying me child support, I thought that Elvira and his dad (and possibly others) were helping him out financially. Maybe it's always a shock to find out someone is dead broke. Later I would feel sad at how pathetic he is, and self-doubt as to if I should have bought this jerk dinner. But at the moment all I felt is surprise.

I paid for dinner. I opened my wallet, glanced at my credit cards that I've been able to keep. I thought of my good fortune of not having my credit ruined by this man. I reached into the bill section and slickly pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the girl.

Nemo was embarrassed and said things like - my paycheck must not have cleared, and - I'll pay you back on Friday.

I told him not to worry. I might not have a house of my own or a car of my own, but I can afford a hamburger for my son.

We ate our meal while I basked in the joy that is having (a small bit of) your life in control.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I've picked up a nasty cold. Lucian has too. So we're both crabby today. We had plans to go swimming at a friend's pool, but I had to cancel because I didn't want her baby to get sick because of us. I was really looking forward to it too.

I recently purchased my first bathing suit in probably five years. I'm extremely modest, and a bit on the heavy side (especially around my middle) which is why I've been avoiding pools, beaches, and summer activities in general for a long time. (I'm also afraid of the water so that doesn't help either.)

Two years ago I got my current pump, the Cozmo. The main reason I chose it was because it was waterproof. How much sense does that make?

Anyway, I found this great bathing suit at lands end. I was hesitant about ordering it because I'm not one to buy clothing without trying it on. I'm so un-proportionate now that I can't take anything for granted.

Amazingly, this bathing suit was designed for my body. The best thing about it, is that it has a little pocket inside and my pump fits in perfectly! I can now go swimming and wear my pump the whole time and there's no way it will come out of the pocket. Plus, it covers up all the body parts I want covered.

Swimming doesn't get any better than that.

Monday, August 21, 2006


I'm back from my brother's wedding. All in all, the wedding was a success. My brother is happily married and is now on his way to Hawaii with his new wife.

The wedding was emotionally very difficult for me. For many reasons. The first was that Lucian being unwelcome offended me. Not to the wedding itself, because I understand that many people want adults-only parties. (although it would have been nice since we were travelling 500 miles to attend, and Lucian is his only nephew.) What bothered me was that Lucian was not invited to the photos beforehand. If you feel I'm over-reacting, please don't tell me, I can't hear it now. I would have really liked a family photo with my son included. (they did, however, include my sister's boyfriend. I'm not knocking him in any way because I like him a lot and think he's awesome for her. I just think that they could have included their nephew in the photos too.)

Second, I often felt like the third wheel. Like the person who's in the way. I was the oldest bridesmaid, the only non-sorority girl, and also the heaviest. The only previously married, old lady of the bunch. I was a fish out of water.

Third, my brother lives downtown. He's a big city guy now. I love my brother, but he makes me feel like I'm one of his relatives from some po-dunk town. (The rest of my family lives here too, but I won't speak for them, only myself) The fact is, I live in a thriving suburban area. There is nothing his city has that I don't have here. I don't do well in big cities. I feel claustrophobic. I hate taxis - they make me nervous. I would rather walk than take a taxi. I like being in control of my destination. I like being able to drive across town and not have to pay someone $20 to get there. I was given wrong addresses twice, that didn't help me feel calmer either.

Lastly, this weekend made me realize just how far apart my brother and I are. And not just in our locations. They had two maids of honor and two best men, and all four of them gave toasts. Each one explained what great people my brother and his new wife are, and what a perfect couple they are, yada yada yada... typical wedding toast stuff really. But I realized that I knew nothing about them as a couple. That I basically have very little relationship with them at all. It makes me sad because that's not how I want it. But as I learned with Nemo, there's only so much you can want someone in your life before you just have to let it go.

I take Ativan for anxiety. I took more pills this weekend than I have in the last three months at home. I had a difficult time sleeping. I felt uptight and out of place the entire time. Several times I had to leave the room and regroup myself.

Before I make it sound like it was all horrible, there were good moments too. We took Lucian to a train store and loaded him up with lots of new trains. It was Lucian's first road trip and he did wonderfully. I took Lucian in the hotel pool and he loved it. He cried when we left. It was nice to get away for the weekend, even in spite of all the stress. My aunt and uncle from out of state came and it was wonderful to see them too.

I'm just so relieved to be home.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I can't believe a word he says

I'm exhausted. I really have no time to blog, but I couldn't stay away. So I'm going to try and make this short and sweet, as I have to get up early tomorrow morning for our big trip.

Tonight was the night that Lucian and I met Nemo at the zoo for the concert. All in all, it was a very positive experience. There ended up being a group of about fifteen of us. I think Lucian was scared of the crowd. But once it thinned out a bit towards the end, he danced his heart out.

Nemo spent some time talking to me. He expressed sadness about my friend going through the divorce. He even told Arista's husband that he would do it a lot differently if given another chance (however, he had about 100 chances and blew them all).

Arista pulled me aside before we left. She said - it seems like Nemo is acting human and making an effort. We discussed whether or not it was all for show, but still were happy of the outcome either way.

Then something happened that soured my whole evening.

I decided to use the bathroom before we left. At the same time, Nemo took Lucian in search of something for Nemo to drink. Afterward, I met him where he had already rejoined the others. He was drinking a bottled water, and I asked him - oh so you did find a vending machine? Which he then says to me - no, I ran into ex-girlfriend who gave it to me.

What a coincidence! He must think that I am dumber than I look. However, I found out about his sleazing around with her in a sneaky way, so I can't come out and admit I know anything.

Nemo claimed that he didn't know she was coming. And oddly enough, he left his phone in the car, so if they had planned to meet, they must not have been specific, since I was the one who chose our concert viewing location.

Arista, who already knew about ex-girlfriend, said to me - just when I was thinking things were going well. She has now experienced the same feeling I used to get when things Nemo did just didn't add up right.

The thing is, I don't really care who he is with these days. I mean, I care for Lucian's sake, but what really irks me is the lying. And it scares me just how much I used to believe.

I can't let my guard down for a minute with him.

See you next week...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Busy week

This is going to be a very busy week for me. So if I don't post at all, it's because I just don't have the time.

My brother is getting married this weekend, out of town. I'm freaking out right now how to incorporate all of Lucian's stuff and schedule into their busy (child-free) itinerary. I haven't taken Lucian farther than a short day trip, so it will be interesting.

My Mom's birthday is this week and we're trying to fit in some time to celebrate that also.

My Dad is on vacation, which means that things are getting done around here. He keeps himself so busy that I feel guilty for relaxing. That will have to wait until next week when he goes back to work.

I'm also trying something new with Nemo this week. On one of his nights, we are going to meet at the zoo because they stay open late and have concerts. It was something I had wanted to do, and he seemed pretty excited about it too. Arista and her family are going to go, so that should cut the tension a little.

I'm hoping to be able to blog this week. I enjoy getting my feelings out there so much that I'm going to try hard to fit it in. But just in case I can't find time - see you next week!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

A better place

I complain about Nemo a lot (because there's a lot to complain about) but really things have gotten better. A little better anyway.

It was incredibly awkward during the transition time after I had filed for the divorce, but before I had moved out. Nemo was unpredictable and frightening. I felt like he was a loose cannon waiting to go off. A couple of times, he did.

The first time was in the spring. I was reading four month old Lucian a story, when Nemo came home. During this time, Nemo would come home from work on random nights, and never even greet or pay attention to Lucian. Ever.

Anyway, this particular night, he came home and was mad at me. (usually he was just indifferent towards me, like he didn't know who I was at all.) He was upset because I had told my attorney everything, and given her a list of our assets, including his profit sharing account that I had said I wouldn't go after. (and as an aside, I didn't want to go after it. But after he had spent all the equity out of our home, he left me no choice.)

I explained this to him. But he was still mad. He got even more upset. I asked him to please keep his voice down, that he was going to scare Lucian. Nemo walked out of the room and started screaming obscenities at me from another room. Mean and cruel things that I can't even repeat. Even though Lucian was too young to understand, I pledged then that I would never have him in that kind of environment again. No child should have to hear horrible things about their mother.

After that, I avoided Nemo as much as possible. Then, he stole my journal. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. I voiced this to my attorney, but she thought it was in my best interest to stay in the house, as it gave me more leverage.

So even though I'm constantly complaining about him, it's gotten better. I live somewhere where he doesn't show up randomly. He doesn't call and harass me anymore. We have very little to talk about. We're not really fighting about anything anymore.

Just knowing that Lucian and I are safe from the screaming, obscenities and drama makes it all the better. I'll tell you about the second time he went off on me another time.

Friday, August 11, 2006

What a surprise! Nemo's cheating on the str*ipper

Just when I've started to make some peace with my situation, I find out things that I don't want to know.

I found out last night, that in addition to Elvira, Nemo is in deep contact with an ex-girlfriend. I knew of her existence all through my marriage, because from time to time, Nemo would tell me an update about her. I always felt he was honest, and I'd guess that he spoke with her about 3-4 times a year.

This ex-girlfriend was a high school girlfriend. She's married, and has a child. I believe that she is living with her husband at her mother's house. The mother has never liked Nemo.

Anyway, last night I found out that he has been "sneaking into her house" because her husband works nights. Apparently, he's going to be working the day shift for two weeks, and she's not happy about it. Ex-gf told Nemo that she hadn't called him the day before because she knew that he was with "the ball and chain" (not me! hooray!) Nemo told ex-gf that he loved her, repeatedly.

The whole thing makes me ill. I know that I was looking for this information, it didn't come find me, so what do I expect? Still, I guess in my naivete, I thought that he was happily settled with the str*ipper. It still upsets me to think he's out prowling around. Not for me, but for Lucian.

I've thought of all the things I could do: contact Elvira, contact ex-gf's husband, etc etc. I'm not that person who does that stuff though. Which leaves me with dealing with it on my own. I wish I was someone who could pull off some mean revenge type stuff.

My Mom thinks that this is all great. Because now I have additional information on him. He has a new ball and chain. That it just reinforces that it was never about me, it's about him. Also, chances are, with his current lifestyle, he wouldn't want to have an overnight with Lucian.

Still, the feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Divorce sucks

Today I heard from a friend that she's going to be getting a divorce. Her husband told her that he wants out of the marriage, that he no longer loves her. She doesn't think that there's another woman in the picture. But I don't believe that.

Truth be told, myself and some others thought their marriage was heading towards divorce for awhile now. They've had some problems that have been obvious to others, although not so obvious to them, I guess.

My heart goes out to her. I recognize many of the feelings that she's experiencing. Her life as she knows it is ending.

Eighteen months ago, when I told her that I had filed for divorce, I also told her about Nemo having very little contact with Lucian. That he had no interest, and had told me that Lucian would be living with me. What she told me then was - but he's his father! Of course, you'll both be splitting time with Lucian. I remember being incredibly upset, thinking about my helpless two month old spending time with my helpless, drug using, str*ipper loving, evil, idiot husband. I couldn't bare it.

So today I asked her what she thought was going to happen to her three kids. She said - they'll be staying with me, and I doubt that he'll really want to spend any time with them, since he hardly sees them now. I didn't say anything, because I remember still how hurt her comment made me. But the fact is, once her husband realizes that he can use the kids to bargain, he'll be interested in them too. And legally, he has every right.

I fought for Lucian, because I love him. Because I want what's best for him, for his safety, his emotional and physical well being. Nemo only fights when he thinks it will get him something in return, or to hurt me. And sadly, this is his legal right too.

Divorce really sucks. No one wins. Then again, infertility sucks, diabetes sucks, but somehow I've come out on the other side alive from all this stuff. I've made my peace with diabetes. I'm nearly successful with infertility, and I'm trying hard to find peace with the divorce.

I'm a symbol of hope for her. Hope that things do get better with time. Hope that the painfulness will subside. I still have a long way to go, and I'm thankful to be where I am now, rather than where I was even a year ago.

Even having hope, it still sucks.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

But will I be able to blog at work?

Today was my interview. It went surprisingly well. I was a bit nervous beforehand, but once I got there, I was fine.

The job is in the legal profession. They are actually looking for a receptionist, which I'm way overqualified to do. However, right now, I'm looking for some no-brainer type of work. (not to say that being a receptionist is the easiest thing to do, just not the most challenging for me in the long run.) The cool thing is that at some point in the future, they are looking for someone who could do more on the legal side, so the job could grow with me as my brain begins to function again. Then, they would look for a new receptionist.

I really liked both of the men I interviewed with. One went to the same college I did, and earned the same degree, although he was a year ahead of me. They seemed to respect family time a lot too, and that makes a big difference to me.

Here are the positives:
1. good health insurance (which I desperately need)
2. close proximity to home, and even closer to Nemo's parents' house
3. flexibility (they are actually looking for someone to work until 6:00. I told them that due to my current parenting time schedule, I would need to leave by 5:00 MWF, and they said that they could work around that.)
4. my friend already works there and likes it
5. I wouldn't have to go out and look for something else
6. they know that I'm a divorced, single mother with diabetes and they were cool with that

Here are the negatives:
1. I'd have to answer the phone, and do lots of secretarial work, which is not really my dream job
2. I'd have to work until 6:00 on TTh, which would mean that theoretically Nemo would be spending more awake hours with Lucian during the workweek than me.

Obviously, the positives outweigh the negatives. Except that the one negative involves Lucian, and that makes me sad. I always thought that I'd be able to stay home with him until he went to school, so it's hard for me to accept that I won't be doing that.

I probably won't know for a couple of weeks yet. But I'll keep you posted.

Monday, August 07, 2006

What I did about my dilemma

Thanks to everyone that responded with comments about my dilemma.

I ended up doing what everyone suggested. I e-mailed him and said that because I hadn't heard from him, I had already made plans. (My plans were to get Lucian to bed on time, but he didn't need to know that.)

I wrestled with it for awhile, because even though Nemo doesn't deserve it, I'm really trying to work with him rather than against him.

Our parenting time agreement is MWF 5:30 - 8:00. So, Nemo needs to let me know by 5:30 the night before. It's been in effect over a year now. He has all day until 5:30 to call - you'd think that would be a relatively easy task.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he normally e-mails me in the morning from work. So he's better about the 24 notice then. But on Sundays, it's hit or miss. He never e-mails me on a Sunday, which I don't understand because it seems to me that it would be easier than having to talk to me (or my parents). My theory is that he's out late on Saturdays, and spends Sundays recuperating. I still think he's into drugs.

The strangest part might be his response. I was nervous, as I always am when I have to set boundaries with him. But he e-mailed me this morning and said that he was sorry that he called late, and "wished that it didn't have to be like this". I'm not sure what he meant. I mean, the reason we implemented the 24 hour notice was because of him! He just wasn't showing up for parenting time, and I'd have to sit around and wait for him. This was when I was still living in my old house.

I guess I'll never figure him out.

I felt really good about what I did. Especially hearing from you - it reinforced my decision. Thank you. Stay tuned for more dilemmas of mine... I've got many more!

Sunday, August 06, 2006

What would you do if you were me?

I have a difficult time making decisions. I can't seem to make choices - I always worry that I'll make the wrong one.

So, dear readers, I want to ask you what you would have done if you were in my situation.

Nemo has to give me 24 hours notice to take advantage of his parenting time. If he doesn't call, I don't have to honor his request.

Tonight, he called fifteen minutes late. I was not home, so he left a message.

This is not the first time this has happened. In the past, I have both said yes and no, depending on the circumstances. On the one hand, I'm trying to work with him. But on the other, I feel that if I don't set and keep some boundaries, he'll take advantage of me forever.

And really, 15 minutes! He had ALL day long to call or e-mail me. You'd think that if it were that important to him to see Lucian that he'd make it a priority.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. You can leave it anonymous if you'd like.

I'll let you know what I did afterward.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Successful day

Today was the day of the party, the one I had the panic attack about. All my worrying was for nothing. It was a successful day.

I first took Lucian over to Arista's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys, then Arista, Lucian and I drove to the party.

Nemo met us in the driveway, as was my request. He had to borrow my sippy cup, because even though I had reminded him, he had brought nothing for Lucian.

Arista and I went shopping. I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing, for less than $4. I also bought myself a cute top for $7. We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids.

Then we picked up Lucian. Nemo again met us in the driveway. Lucian's godfather (a cousin... I'll have to tell that particular story soon) and Nemo's aunt (not the one whose house it was) met us too. Nemo's aunt was so kind, she said that she wanted me to come over and see her, that she didn't care about everything that had happened, she just wanted to see me. She was one of the ones I really miss. I told her that Nemo's family had made everything so awkward. Lucian's godfather was equally wonderful. We talked for a few minutes, and then left.

Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap. He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath. But he arrived home in one piece, and seemingly unscarred.

So I have nothing to complain about today.

Friday, August 04, 2006

The fight

Lots of things were inflicted on me and my marriage by Nemo while I was pregnant two years ago. I think that I've touched on most of them at this point. I've really tried to get some of this stuff out of my head and out onto the internet, but it has occurred to me that I've forgotten one significant incident.

It was an early morning in November, 2004. I was approximately thirty-six weeks pregnant. It was a few days after the voting incident and our anniversary, but before my meltdown.

I was up early. I had an appointment for an ultrasound and an NST at the hospital to check on the baby. At this point, Nemo had not been sleeping at home, and was only coming home after work for a couple of hours before he left again for the night.

So I was getting my coat on, waddling to the door, when the door opened and Nemo came in. I nearly jumped out of my skin. He looked like he had been run over by a truck. There were bruises on his face under his right eye and he couldn't move his arm.

I asked him what had happened, and here's what he said. (keep in mind that although I knew about his "former" relationship with Elvira, he had sworn to me that it was over, and that he had been spending the nights with his brother or cousin because he was so unhappy.) He said - I was at B's house (a friend who had been arrested a few years back for dealing drugs) playing cards. A guy came to the door, and wanted to see B's sister. Nemo, because he was such a chivalrous, gallant man, intervened, and the guy ended up beating Nemo up.

The story had holes from the beginning, but I had no idea what to make of it. I got mad at him, and asked why on earth he was defending B's sister when his wife was home alone, scared, and very pregnant? Then, I left. Because the most important thing in my life was my baby and I didn't want to be late for my appointment.

Nemo headed to the ER (different, closer hospital than the one where I was heading), where they told him that he'd need physical therapy for his dislocated shoulder.

On the way to my appointment, Nemo's mother called me three times. I didn't answer any of her calls - I didn't know what to say to her. I spent the rest of the day in denial hiding out at my parents' house letting them give me the attention my very pregnant body and mind needed.

The worst part about it was that Nemo wanted me to lie for him. And although I never did, for a long time I didn't tell the truth either. He wanted me to say that he fell down our stairs in the middle of the night. I laughed out loud typing that just now, but at the time, it upset me greatly. I mean, he wasn't even sleeping at my house anymore, let alone walking down my stairway in the dark in the middle of the night.

After Lucian was born (and his face was still bruised), he started joking around to people that I had pushed him down the stairs. The first few times, I let it go, but I finally told him that if he didn't stop with that hideous lie, I was going to tell his family the truth about his fight.

In December when I was trying to convince Nemo's parents that Nemo had left me (because they didn't believe that their son was capable of doing anything so horribly cruel) I told them about the fight. Nemo's dad, Jabba, said - I knew that he didn't fall down the stairs. I never believed that story.

The kicker of the story is that there was a police report filed. Nemo later denied its existence too, but it was laying around our home office for awhile, and I committed some of it to memory. Later, when I found out Elvira's name and address, I was able to find some information on the internet that she had requested a personal protection order against the same man who was in the fight with Nemo. Coincidentally, it was on the same date. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I can put two and two together.

During all this time, I believed with my heart and soul that Nemo was mentally ill. He was my family and I was prepared to stand by him. I still think that Nemo is mentally ill in some way. I just think that in addition, he's evil.

I'm so glad that the evil is out of my life. I wish he was out of Lucian's.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


Good news! I have an interview next week.

Now, if I can only convince someone to hire a diabetic, divorced, single mother with a crazy parenting time arrangement. And, oh yeah, I haven't worked in nearly five years.

I'll have my work cut out for me.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Obsessive Compulsive

There's some obsessive compulsive tendencies in my family. I don't believe that any of us are extreme about it where it's affecting our daily lives. But if you look close enough, you'll realize that it's there just the same.

For the most part, it shows itself in routines and repeated phrases.

I crave routine myself, and I'm the first person to admit it. I have a daily routine, and I get frustrated when things don't happen the way I like them to. I'm able to get over it pretty quickly and move on when the routine gets broken, and I think that's probably the biggest difference between me, and others where the problem is more severe.

I'm not a phrase repeater myself, but there are members of my family who repeat things over and over. I won't mention who, because if they ever read this, they'll know who they are. They will even fully admit that they do it. I found that the best way to deal with the repetition is not to respond. When they don't have an audience, they tend not to do it so much.

And then there's Lucian. I've realized that he has inherited the phrase repeater gene. Right now, he's obsessed with trains. Whenever he sees a train, he yells - koo koo! (for choo choo) If I don't respond, he repeats it again and again until I acknowledge that yes, in fact, he has seen a train. And since there are now many, many trains around the house, it seems like he is saying it all day long.

He also does it in reference to my parents. One day, we dropped my Mom off somewhere and he and I got back in the car. The entire way home, he questioned - Gigi? (for Grandma) I'd then say, we just dropped her off. A minute later, he'd ask again - Gigi? I was going crazy. Another time, my sister was in the car driving him and I was following in a separate car. She said he called my name the whole time. Not just calling, but questioning - Baba? Baba? Baba? (his name for me).

Almost everything Lucian says is in the form of a question anyway. Car? Phone? Doggie? Tractor? Plane? Cracker? Wheel? Shoe? Chair? I feel obligated each time to say, yes, Lucian, that is a ______.

And then there's please. My Mom and I thought that it would be good to teach him to say please when he wants something. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, he must say please about four hundred times a day. He'll sit in his high chair and see that I'm getting him something and say - please! please! please! over and over and over again.

I hope that he grows out of this. It's exhausting trying to answer him all day long.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


I've had acne almost my entire life.

The first time I saw a dermatologist was when I was in the first grade. My Dad used to take me once a month or so. They'd have me lay down with steam burning my face to loosen everything up. I hated it. Then it got worse when the doctor would come in and use this tool to remove my blackheads. I remember being the only kid in the office. The only good things were that my Dad always took me out for ice cream afterwards, and I got to miss school. This went on all during elementary school.

By the time I got to middle school, my acne problem had escalated. My parents found me a different doctor. I liked him a lot. The first time I saw him I was probably eleven. I remember him telling me that I could have problems til I was eighteen. Eighteen! That seemed like forever to me. This doctor was thorough and patient, and through the years prescribed me everything under the sun.

In college, my acne problem got worse. By this point in time, I had rotated through every drug a few times, and nothing had worked. My face was always red, blotchy, achy, and rough.

Until my doctor said enough was enough and put me on Accutane. It cleared me up beautifully. I had the skin of a model. I look at pictures of myself from that time, and you can see that my skin is shiny and bright. Accutane has a lot of side effects, including birth defects so it's not without risk. But to me, after a lifetime of break-outs, it was worth it. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life.

Accutane is meant to be taken for a few months and stopped. It works by drying up your oil glands. In most people, the results last. Or at least clear up your skin to the point where an over the counter drug will work. Of course, that didn't happen for me.

Within a year, I was back at the dermatologist. We did another round of the Accutane. Another year later, same result. I was out of options.

My acne was a little less severe in my post-college days. I think that my hormones were probably more stable than when I was a teenager. However, I still had many flare-ups. I saw the dermatologist regularly until a few years ago when I finally gave up completely. I had been seeing the same doctor for almost twenty years. He did as much for me as he possibly could.

Last year, my Mom saw a commercial for Proactiv. At the time, she thought that I needed some confidence boosters because I was in the midst of the divorce. So she signed me up. I had my doubts about Proactiv, but it worked fairly well. I wasn't in the majority that had astonishing results, but the break-outs were less severe.

In May, I was shopping at my favorite store, Costco, and discovered that they sell a Proactiv knockoff called AcneFree. I had a coupon so I figured I had nothing to lose.

I tried it, and after a month, my face cleared up considerably. It's amazing. I wish I had had this product years ago. My skin still isn't perfect, but it's made a huge difference.

The biggest difference for me, though, has been with my self esteem.

The world is kinder if you're beautiful. I always felt like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. That there was a gorgeous person beneath my outside layer of ugliness. As I grew up, it mattered a bit less. It was easier after high school, even easier after college.

When the doctor told me my acne would clear up by the time I was eighteen, I'm sure he never realized that it would be almost twice that before I was happy with my skin.