Thursday, February 21, 2008


Nemo sent me a gift for Valentine's Day. It was a monogramed article of clothing (God am I so paranoid that I think he's going to look up specifically what he sent me? Apparently, yes.) It arrived in the mail in a giftbox and with a card.

As far as Valentine's Day gifts go, it was probably my best ever. As far as gifts from Nemo go, it was probably in the top 10. Although I will say that when he was still at the point of buying me gifts, he was always generous. Not always thoughtful, but generous.

Oftentimes I would receive a gift that was fun (a digital camera, cell phone, other electronic item) but wasn't the most meaningful gift. I always wrote it off to the fact that he's just a different type of giver than I am. I like to pay attention to the receiver's wants and needs and pick out something they might not have specifically asked for and they didn't even know they wanted.

In the last year, Nemo has gotten me several gifts that he put some thought into. For Mother's Day he bought me the last book in the Harry Potter series. For my birthday he bought me steaks that I had briefly mentioned in passing.

I still don't trust him. I still haven't forgotten the things that he put me through. But I will say, I'm pleased that he's finally thinking about me in a different way. From a perspective of thoughtfulness.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Is winter over yet?

Recent happenings, in bullet points to keep it simple.

  • I am pleased to say, that after my post 10 days ago, for the first time today Lucian did not ask for his pacifier. Hooray! (For the time being) I can stop worrying about his crooked teeth, and without the guilt of breaking his heart.
  • It's been cold and snowy and icy for much too long now. We've been cooped up in the house and I'm stir crazy. The sun finally came out today and that helped a bit. I've been finding myself eating more and dreaming of napping all day long. Actually, I'd probably be happy if the temperature got above 20 so we could go outside. (I even have snowpants!)
  • Speaking of eating more, I'm so discouraged about my weight. I have gained about 25 pounds since moving in with my parents over 2 years ago. And we eat more healthy meals here than I ever used to make for myself. So what's the problem? I'm eating at night. Bad things, mostly peanut butter. I know it's horrible and I beat myself up about it daily. But I can't find the power within myself to stop.
  • My best friend, Arista's mother died recently. She suffered through a long illness so it wasn't a surprise. It's made me think a great deal about my own parents and how precious our time is. I'm so grateful for every day. And at the same time, I'm depressed as hell.
  • Lucian has hit the point in his language development where he questions everything. I mean, everything. Today he asked me how the sun came out. He wanted to know where all the cars on the road were going, specifically. And what's the name of the person who lives in that house there? A few weeks ago in church, he said loudly - Momma, where's God? I want to see him! I never thought that I'd be having religious discussions with a 3 year old.
  • Which brings me to Nemo. Things are fine, in case you're wondering. Lucian has asked me where daddy's going when we leave Nemo's parents' house. I'm not ready to tackle it yet, but sooner or later he's going to ask about Nemo's house and how come he's never been there. Or why he's never been in his car, or anywhere unsupervised with him. I'm definitely feeling a little more trusting in Nemo than even a year ago. But not entirely. And as much as I like where things are at, I still see the lying scheming crazy person that was him and may still be there. As I said, I can't think about it.
  • Before I get too obsessive compulsive, I'm going to go to bed. I've got a new Maeve Binchy book awaiting me, and I'm excited to dive in.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Good-bye, friend

In the 3 years since Lucian's birth, I've never felt like I've disappointed him like I have in the past 24 hours.

I had to take away his pacifier.

The first night I had Lucian home from the hospital (the night when Nemo left me alone), my Mom came over and and took care of the baby so I could sleep. That night, she introduced him to the pacifier. We have joked that my Mom got him hooked, but the fact is, the pacifier saved my sleep and my sanity a great many times over the past 3 years. (And I place no blame on my mother.)

There was a time when I used to take 3 pacifiers and put them around his stuffed animal's limbs so that he could find them in his crib if he dropped one inadvertantly during the night. I used to carry them in my pockets, purses, even the cup holder in the car.

Last summer, I started weaning him down. Little by little, I told him that we couldn't take it with us in the car, that he had to leave it on the dresser when it wasn't nap time, and started explaining how it was going to give him crooked teeth.

We recently went to both the dentist and the pediatrician. They both said it needed to go ASAP.

I tried explaining it to him, and surprisingly he understood. But as bedtime would approach, he still craved the pacifier.

My Mom came up with the idea of the pacifier fairy who would come to take the pacifier and leave a gift. After lots of prepping, last night was the night. The pacifier fairy brought him a new stuffed animal to make it less scary, and I told him he could play with a train set from Christmas that we hadn't opened.

Today went surprisingly well. He took a nap with little problem and spent a good portion of the day playing with the train. And then it was bedtime.

We cried together over the loss. He's lost the thing he loves most in the world. I know it was the right thing to do, but I never considered how horrible I'd feel. I've done other things that have been in Lucian's best interest that haven't been pleasant (discipline and vaccination shots, for example) and I've always been able to remain unemotional about it. (I do admit though as a diabetic, it's a little hard for me to work up any sympathy for vaccination shots, or for parents that are so pained by having to submit their child to them.)

I feel like I've ripped his heart out, even if it was the right thing to do.