Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Lately I've been devouring everything written by Marian Keyes. I love Irish writers, and I've been particularly enjoying her work.

So one of the books I stumbled upon is Watermelon. I'm not more than 50 pages in, but I was hooked from the first sentence. I think she's writing about my life. (Although the book was published before I even met Nemo.)

Just when you think that your story is unique, it isn't. I feel a whole lot less singled out knowing I'm not the only one. Even if it is just fiction.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


I have to admit, there's another reason that I've stayed away from my blog. I don't like some of the feelings that I have, and I hate to whine about things. Or at least, I hate to whine excessively about the same stuff over and over. I'm of the school that feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. So although I don't like them, I try not to beat myself up too much, I try to work through them. But I hesitate mentioning them here because I'm afraid of other's comments. (so I've turned them off on this post)

Take today for example. Lucian and I went to a birthday party for one of his preschool friends. It was lovely and we had a great time. There was a woman there who just rubbed me the wrong way. But then she got to telling how her husband is out of the country on a work assignment for the summer. And how. her. life. sucks.

Immediately, I think, at least you have a husband (and he sounds rather nice), and he's. coming. back. Of course, I didn't say that. But there's a part of me that wanted to. I'm just jealous of her and sad for myself, and I hate it. Normally I'm not walking around feeling lots of pity. I really even like my life. But I'm easily offended by people who complain about things: he doesn't pick up his dirty socks! he works long hours (to support the family) and I never get to see him! Stuff like that.

I hate these feelings that I have. Maybe it's just that I'm not that kind of person who'd be complaining like that. I'd be more likely to say - my husband's gone for the summer and I miss him and it sucks, but it's only for 3 months and I'll live through it. Maybe I should have said to her - my husband's gone forever, and I miss who I thought he was, but it's only the next 14 years that I have to co-parent with him, and I'll live through it.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Bleeding a turnip

My divorce has been final for 2.5 years. During the process (about 11 months), my legal fees were in the $25,000 range. You read that right, 25 k, 25 big ones, twenty-five thousand dollars. A brand new car worth of fees.

I'm not a celebrity or a CEO or an owner of a sports team. Just a regular person who went through a painful divorce.

I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't cut off the legal spending earlier in the process. The truth is, I never received an invoice from my attorney, and I had assumed that the initial retainer I gave was covering it. In hindsight, I'm angry with myself for not questioning the costs. But with the state I was in (mostly paralyzing fear) I have to give myself a break. I did what I thought was best at the time.

You can imagine my surprise then, when the attorney's office called me in March and told me that I owed almost $10,000 more. I freaked out. All the pain and fear came rushing back at me. Let's just say it was an unpleasant couple of days to be around me.

I gained some control over myself. Spent some time trying to get the invoices*. Spent more time going through the invoices. And, putting my college degree to work, added up the figures to nearly $35,000 in legal fees. That doesn't include Nemo's lawyer, or the mediator who was paid probably another $5000 between us. I knew that divorces were expensive, but never in my wildest dreams figured they were about the average-American's-annual-salary expensive.

* Up until this March, I had never received an invoice. I never once saw on paper what I was billed for. I insisted that they send this to me, and after getting it wrong twice, I finally received a copy of my entire account. Nothing on it looks suspicious (but how can I remember, it was 3 years ago!) unless you have a problem being billed for 3 hours of internet time at the full attorney hourly rate.

There are so many factors to this situation, I can't possibly type that much. But I will say, this is a highly respected law firm in my area. They've done some pretty high profile cases, because I've seen them in the newspaper.

On the advice of a family member with a law degree, I've sent a letter outlining all the mistakes that were made. I'm still waiting to hear back from them.

Besides the fact that I don't have $10,000, it's not the amount of money that angers me. One way or another I believe it will all work out. Things always do. What I'm mad at is that the person/firm I put my trust in misled me. Maybe unintentionally, but I had been led to believe (for 2.5 years) that with the divorce decree, all the fees were wrapped up.

I feel like I've been stabbed in the back by someone I trusted. (sounds familiar) It was even suggested to me that I get a lawyer to fight my original lawyer. Aaaaagggghhhh!!!!

It's left me wondering, just when does all this end?


I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts down. Writing my story was a release of all the things that happened over my infertility/pregnancy/divorce. This blog was by far the best thing I did to heal myself. (not to mention the cheapest!)

What I found afterward (after the most painful parts of the story were written that is), is that my blog became someplace where I had stashed all the bad things. Little by little, I backed off because it hurt. It's like all my therapy sessions rolled up into one staring at me each time I log in. And I don't regret for a single second that I've put it out there for the world to see, but at the same time, I want to live my life just as Stella. Not the diabetic infertile jobless divorcee who has a sperm donor baby and lives with her parents.

Sometimes I need a break from that person.

I know I needn't give an explanation, but for my own peace, I feel better knowing I've given a reason to why I've avoided posting.

Thanks for sticking around. Stay tuned - there will be another update soon.