Saturday, August 18, 2007


I've purposely stayed away from updating, because I'm in a major funk these days and I feel like all I do is complain.

My sister's wedding is next week. The fact that I live with my parents has made the event more stressful for me. I'm often in the middle of planning that I don't want to be involved in, but I can't excuse myself from either. I also had to plan the bachelorette party. And while I love to organize a party, it was hard for me to plan this one. I love my sister, and I'm happy for her, so it wasn't about jealousy or anything like that. I feel like the past few years have aged me to the point of uncomfortableness among my peers. Even amongst people who have had similar lives (college, marriage, kids, etc), my path to this moment has had so many twists and turns that I feel unable to connect with others (besides the close friends I already have). I ended the evening in tears. I'm embarrassed to even admit that.

God I hate being an emotional mess!

Lucian had Lyme Disease. We had quite a few days of high fevers and general crankiness, but thankfully after a long round of antibiotics, he is fine. He had a mosquito bite that developed a ring around it (like a bulls-eye). The doctors thought that I should have seen the tick that bit him. It's a mystery to me. I don't live in one of the states where the disease is considered endemic and one doctor told me that he had never seen a pediatric case before. (lucky us to be his first!)

I've started potty training Lucian. He's been doing great, really making a good effort, although we've still had a fair share of accidents. Part of me would like to put it off forever, and the other part of me would like him out of diapers by the time he goes to kindergarten.

I am doing okay with only seeing my therapist once a month. Surprisingly well, actually. If I had the luxury of better insurance, you can bet that I'd be in her office more often, but I'm dealing with trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of the high anxiety and obsessiveness about Lucian's future that I had before, I'm able to see the present more clearly and not panic about the future. I'm still having quite a bit of anxiety, and most of my feelings revolve around sadness and loss (instead of anger, confusion, and helplessness). I guess that's an improvement.

Nemo continues to be on a healthy path. I'm thankful and happy for him. He has alot of issues yet to deal with, and I know that even though I have many hard moments, it's much harder for him. We have become friends of a sort. We've developed a communication that's easy, light, friendly. That's not to say that my life wouldn't be alot easier if I didn't have to plan my schedule around his parenting time. But it's been okay. I can deal with him, and with the situation without having a complete meltodwn. That's progress!