Thursday, December 28, 2006

Let it begin with me

I may never forgive Nemo for what he's done, how he's changed my life and the pain he's put me through. But I realize that forgiveness is not about him, it's about me. It's about moving on and letting go of the past. I'm not ready for that yet, but at some point I want to be able to think about my pregnancy, Lucian's birth, and the time thereafter without a bitter taste coming up in my throat.

I've done a better job at accepting Nemo in Lucian's and my life. I don't like it, but I'm not fighting it so much. That's a conscious effort though on my part - it doesn't come easy.

Our plan for the holidays this year was for Lucian and me to have dinner with Nemo's family on Christmas Eve, and Nemo to have dinner with my family on Christmas day. Due to my bronchitis, I was unable to attend the Christmas Eve dinner - I just dropped Lucian off for a few hours.

I want this post to be about forgiveness and peace, so I'm going to leave out the parts where Nemo was late, I was having great anxiety, and the fact that I received another prank call (from his cell phone this time) at 2:45 am the night before.

On Christmas day, an uncle of mine joined us for dinner. So it was my parents, my sister, Lucian, Nemo, my uncle and me for dinner. It was pleasant. We ate, we laughed, Lucian fussed because he wanted to play with his toys rather than eat.

Shortly after dinner, Lucian had his bath, and Nemo got his coat on to leave. We had not had dessert yet, and I asked Nemo if he wanted to stay. (and even as I said it, I was thinking NO! but yet my good manners couldn't make me not issue the invitation.) Nemo declined. My Mom asked him, and then my Dad asked him. Nemo declined both invitations also, and when I looked at his face, I saw tears in his eyes. He quickly left. We had dessert and I didn't think much of it until the next day.

My uncle that joined us for dinner has been carrying around a lot of anger over his mother's death. He later told my mother that he was inspired by my family and how we dealt with Nemo after the events of the last couple of years. For us to have had a pleasant meal with him showed my uncle that you can deal with your anger in different ways and that peace is possible.

Up until that point, I'd been feeling like I'd repressed so much anger about Nemo that it annoyed me. Like why didn't I ever throw Nemo's clothes out in the front yard? Why didn't I slash his tires or key his car? Why did I continue to do his laundry, or keep the house clean when I knew that he would be keeping it? Why didn't I retaliate in some way?

I wish that I could have used my anger like that, but it's not the way I am. I'm a peacekeeper. And at times that makes me a pushover or a doormat, someone that bullies love to have around. But at the same time, I'm proud of my behavior. I've never sunk to Nemo's level.

Will I ever have complete peace and acceptance with Nemo? Probably not, because he can't be trusted. But I'd like to head in that direction.

There was a song that we used to sing in church when I was a child that my Mom loved. It was called Let There be Peace on Earth. I heard it at the store the other night. I haven't heard it in twenty years, and it was playing at the craft store of all places. I sang along with it - let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me...

I am going to find peace.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Merry Christmas...

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Season's Greetings....

Whatever holiday you celebrate, I hope it's filled with joy and peace.

I've been sick with bronchitis. Seems like I'm always sick for the holidays. But they were still nice. With a hint of anxiety and stress thrown in just for fun. More details to come when I'm feeling better.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Nemo came over for his parenting time last night. We had dinner, then Nemo and Lucian proceeded to watch the choo choo movie, while I spent a leisurely hour reading. Nemo asked me about Christmas gifts for Lucian. We spoke a little about his grandmother, who is in poor health. He told us about a tv program he had seen that might help my Mom's business. At one point, I had to discipline Lucian by putting him timeout, and Nemo supported my actions.

Since this seems like a rather lovely evening (as far as spending time with Nemo goes), what complaint could I possibly have? Because you know I have one...

Last night, and for a few weeks now, Nemo has been participating in life again. He's communicating more, asking questions, getting involved in people's lives again.

As happy as I am that Nemo is easier to be around, I can't help but feel that all the pain and torment I went through by his doing is being glossed over. Because old Nemo is coming back!

It's easy to fall back into a relationship with an old friend after a fight. Even a sister, brother, or parent. But a wife/husband? It's much more complicated. I had to leave our marriage because it was killing my soul. I made the right decision, and I don't regret it for a minute. But having others see Nemo as being himself again feels like it's diminishing my suffering. And although I'm trying to "lay it down" (as my mother says), or work through it so I'm not carrying the pain around with me forever, I haven't reached that point yet. It still hurts me to think of all the nasty emotional games Nemo played with me. (I also don't want to be a victim forever, but for the moment, I'm still in the midst of feeling like one.)

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a bad feeling? And you can't figure out the reason for it? Then you realize that you had a bad dream. And even if you can or can't remember the details, those negative feelings follow you around for awhile? That's kind of how I felt last night. My rational side was like - it went great tonight, why are you complaining? But I couldn't help feeling... I don't know, not positive.

I had gotten used to the new Nemo. I knew what to expect. Now that I'm seeing glimpses of my old Nemo, it confuses me.

(Let me make it clearn that I don't want to get back together with him. And I really mean that I do not want to get back together with him. Forevermore, in my eyes, Nemo will walk hand and hand with untruths and manipulations. I can never see one without seeing the other. I will never be able to look at Nemo and not see the person who wouldn't come pick me up at the hospital after giving birth to Lucian, or that night, when he left me alone with a newborn when I couldn't even bend over due to the c-section incision. The way I see it, once a murderer, you're always a murderer. Even if you've served your time you can't take it away. Once a diabetic, always a diabetic. It's still there, even if you don't always see it. Maybe you can move on from the past, but you can't rewrite history.)

So there I was last night, after Nemo left, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me. I got over-emotional and worked up, started crying and obsessing. I couldn't figure out why when it seemed like things went really well. Then it hit me what my meltdown was about: my past colliding with my present and future. I've never handled any kind of change well, even positive change. The emotions are too much for me. When a two year old has a tantrum because his environment, emotions and communication skills aren't in sync, I understand, because that's what happened to me last night.

Today I'm feeling better. I've been able to talk my way through it. Thanks to my wonderful medication, (have I mentioned lately how great I feel?) I still feel stable. I'm even glad it happened because I learned a little more about the feelings I encountered.

I'm still hoping that he rides off into the sunset and leaves Lucian and me alone. A girl's gotta have a fantasy, right?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Confused, but not obsessing

I got an e-mail from Nemo this weekend. He said that he had found the perfect Christmas gift for my Dad, gave me a website, and then said that he would have liked to buy it for him but that it was awkward. But he'd give me money to buy it for him.

I'm softening to Nemo. I don't mean that in a I'd-like-to-get-back-together-with-him way. Never. I mean it in a I-hate-him-a-tiny-bit-less way.

It was such a strange e-mail because he has made obvious his lack of funds, and yet he offers me money to buy a gift for my Dad? Mostly it was strange because he took the time. Two years ago I could barely get him to show up for the birth of Lucian, yet now he's sending me e-mails about gifts I should buy.

I'd like to think the best but what I really feel is that it's staged. I think Nemo has very little going on his life at the current moment. With his brother out of state, one of his party buddies, just became a father, another (#3 on that list in the link) is getting remarried soon, and even though I can't seem to find what Elvira is up to these days without asking directly, I think she's out of the picture, so I think he's bored.

Luckily, thanks to my new medications, I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about it. But I don't think I'll ever be convinced that there's not an ulterior motive in anything he does again.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Lots of miscellaneous stuff

In no particular order, random happenings...

I think I've had more internet traffic find my blog by searching "cut my hair short" or "chopped hair" than anything else I've ever written. Maybe I need to change my tagline?

Nemo came over tonight, and dare I say, all things considered, it went well. We laughed about some things that happened in the past, and he also fixed one of Lucian's toys. I can not forget all the hideous things he's done, but I will say that I'm tolerating him better. That's as generous as I can be.

I took Lucian to see Santa this week. Last year, he had a meltdown sitting on Santa's lap (all three times!) This year, he sat patiently, and although he was acting more shy than usual, he smiled for the camera. He pronounces Santa as aah-kah and it cracks me up each time he says it.

I also took Lucian for his two year photos. He did wonderfully. I had many great photos to choose from. I also had a coupon (a really great coupon) so I was able to order more pictures and not feel guilty about the cost. When I took Lucian for his nine month photos, the photographer made me feel guilty, even when I explained that I was on a strict budget. Feeling horrible, I cried the whole way home in the car that day. Anxiety drugs + awesome coupon + preparation for the guilt + in charge of my own money instead of having a negative bank balance = a much better experience.

Lucian had his two year doctor appointment too. His height is 90th percentile, weight 50th and head size 25th. He's tall and skinny with a small head. What can I say? I'm short, not thin, and have a larger head. I'm so glad that his size seems to be similar to my father's, or perhaps his donor father. The doctor was also impressed with the number of words he's saying, and his understanding of shapes and colors. He's a sharp kid, but I work hard with him too. Having someone else (especially someone with an MD after her name) say great things about your child is the best that it gets.

I have a good deal of my Christmas shopping completed. I'm that person who always starts early (like September), but can't find the perfect gift until the last minute (my poor decision making skills at work). My brother and sister and I agreed to a $10 budget, and it was much easier than I thought it would be. I've bought mostly trains for Lucian, and a tricycle that he already found and tried to ride. I also bought a matching one for my God daughter. I feel less pathetic this Christmas - I'm sure alot of that is due to my wonderful anti-depressants.

Does anyone besides me think Tivo is a burden? I get so backed up with shows that I have to start deleting things that are least important so I can keep the more important ones. I really want to watch everything I tape - I have such good intentions, but not so many hours to be camped out in front of the tv.

I've been having a horrible time with my blood sugars. I can't seem to figure out why I'm having quite so many highs with no reason. I've increased my basals and boluses and it still doesn't seem to be working. I have a history of increasing my insulin and gaining weight from being hungry, so I'm more conservative than I should be because I'm scared of that viscious circle. I'm already heavier than I should be.

Speaking of which, my parents bought an ice cream machine and my Mom is now making homemade ice cream just because it's fun. I have too much of a sweet tooth to not take part in our family ritual of dessert.

I saw a friend and her husband argue this weekend, and it made me realize that there are some definite benefits to being single. Besides having the bed to myself or not having to share Tivo that is (that Tivo burden is mine alone!) I realized that right now I'm so glad that I only have to worry about myself and Lucian. And that one day Lucian will grow up. I often was a parent to my husband, and although I miss being part of a couple, I'm so glad that right now it's all about me and how I want to run things. I don't miss making lunches, insisting he take his medicine, picking up after him, reminding him that it's trash day, trying to make important decisions with no input from him, or watching what he wants on tv. I don't even have to consider his feelings at all.

Well I gotta go. Tivo is awaiting.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Me and my rubber suit against the world

My new anti-depressants are wonderful. I've already mentioned that I'm doing better, but I can't help but say it again.

I used to feel that my problems were being soaked into my soul. I couldn't think about anything else. I'd get focused on something, and not be able to let it go. My mind and my heart were so heavy, carrying everything around constantly. I was being eaten alive by my thoughts. I felt powerless to change anything.

I now feel like I'm wearing a rubber suit. I have an extra layer of protection against the world. The ugliness comes at me and instead of absorbing it, I'm able to see it clearly, then wipe it off. The problems aren't trapped inside me forever and ever. I'm able to put them on a shelf in another room, and take them out once in awhile. And then put them back again.

My load has been lightened considerably. I'm still confused by alot of things. There's still problems in my life that need solutions. But I feel like I've been given a big chunk of myself back.

Maybe I could have clicked my heels at any time and been transported to this place. I'm sure that the power was within me all along. But I couldn't access it before now. I was chasing my tail and I didn't know how to stop.

I'm freer than I've been in a very long time.

It's a start.

Friday, December 01, 2006

My heart

My dearest Lucian,

Happy Birthday - today you turned 2.

Two years ago you came into my life, but now I can't remember clearly a day that you weren't in it. Everything that happened to me before you came along seems rather empty. I wonder where I found joy? And hope and inspiration?

It hasn't been an easy couple of years for me. So much in my life has changed from the way it was, the way I thought it would be. You're being raised in a completely different (and way better) environment. I have often felt that you are the only thing that kept my head above water during the heartache in my life.

I love you more than I ever could have imagined. Did I ever even know what love was before you? While I was pregnant, I feared the unknown. Not knowing your other biological parent left 50% of you up to chance. That scared me. But from the moment I set my eyes upon you, I knew who you were: the light of my life. Even now, there's little I know about the other half of your genetics.

A few weeks ago, we went to a party, and you were the only one dancing. Twirling and marching, laughing and dancing your heart out while a crowd gathered to watch. I had a vision of what your grandmother was like as a child.

Every night, you have a bath, get your pajamas on, have a bottle while we read books, then you "march" to your room, grab your blanket and your pacifier that you lined up just-so on your dresser and put your arms out to be picked up so you can go to bed. You're so deliberate in your actions, following our routine with such precision, that we call you a mini-me version of your grandfather.

And when you smile! You smile with your eyes, just like me. I see my own reflection in your face. You have the charm of your uncle. When you flash one of your smiles, people melt and are under your spell forever. You have the sweetness of your aunt. A charitable, kind, loving disposition that I wish I had myself.

I'm just as fascinated by your genetics that I can't attribute to anyone. Where did your nose come from? Your defined jawline? Your huge feet? Every day it's like I'm unwrapping a present and I can't wait to see what's coming next.

I'm thrilled to be a part of your life. I consider myself blessed and too fortunate for my own good to be your mother. I am honored and humbled that in all the world of parents and children, eggs and sperm, that we found each other.

Today and everyday before and after, you are my heart.

Love, Mom