Birthday party

Imagine feeling so anxious about a child's birthday that you have to take a double dose of your anti-anxiety medication.

That's what I did yesterday.

Lucian and I were invited to Nemo's cousin's daughter's birthday party. More specifically, the birthday girl was the daughter of Lucian's godfather.

All of Nemo's family was going to be there. The only reason I agreed to go was because the cousin and the godfather have both made an effort to befriend me. Oh, and the second smaller reason that I didn't want Nemo fighting me for this time - I thought it would just be easier to attend.

As is the case with most of my anxieties, there wasn't much reason for it. The party went smoothly. And besides my annoyance with my ex-mother-in-law because she wouldn't let Lucian come to me when he hit his head, I didn't have an awful time.

Nemo's dad never looked at me or said a word to me, just sat on the couch like a lump. None of the uncles greeted me either. It's amazing how childish sixty year old men can be. I was pleasantly surprised that two of the male cousins who have mostly ignored me in the past two years came up to me and hugged me hello.

What counts the most is that Lucian had a wonderful time. They have every toy known to man at their house and he was in his glory. He was sent home with balloons too - it just doesn't get any better than that for him.

Peace offering

Lucian and I went to Nemo's workplace today and went out to lunch with him. It was undramatic, and dare I say bland? I drove home feeling that it had been a positive experience.

Months ago, I had made the decision that I wasn't going to supply Nemo or his family with any more photos of Lucian. They were always begging me for photos. I felt like - they own a camera, have access to stores that do photo processing, and a lot more funds that I have, why can't they take their own photos? Or offer to split the cost of a photo session? I know that I was being angry, petty, and cheap by cutting off the photos. But it also drove my point home to them.

Somewhere along the way, I've realized that I'm never going to get the apologies I want and deserve. They're never going to say what I want to hear. I'm working towards forgiveness (but certainly not forgetfulness). So today in a gesture of forgiveness, I brought Nemo and his dad each a photo: Nemo one for his desk, his dad one for their house.

The picture I selected was a really good one. I'm no professional, but I love to take pictures, look at pictures, get them developed. I love the whole process. I'm nostalgic enough that I realize that you have to take the photographs to have something to look back upon later.

I've probably taken over 10,000 photos of Lucian since his birth. A lot of them he's not even looking at the camera. But I've also gotten a few good ones along the way. One of which was the one I selected for Nemo and his parents.

Nemo's dad pulled the photo out of the envelope like I had given him an explosive and by pulling it out slowly he'd be able to react before the bomb went off. Then, to my amazement, he was amazed. He must have stared at the photo for a full five minutes. It was almost awkward how he was staring at the photo. He was full of questions, he wanted to know where I took it (my parents' front porch) and the camera I used (mine, that I finagled out of the divorce).

He never actually thanked me, because I'm sure that would blow his big scary guy cover. I knew that he liked it though and was impressed by it.

Other than that, nothing actually happened. And that's just fine with me.

The godfather drama

I consider myself spiritual, but not overly religious. I was raised Catholic, and while I'm not attending church every Sunday or necessarily agree with all the Catholic teachings (women priests, abortion, family planning, homosexuality, etc), Catholicism is so ingrained in me that it's still my organized religion of choice.

That being said, I wanted to have Lucian baptized. Nemo agreed, although I couldn't get him to commit to anything for months.

Nemo's parents, being of the all-talk-and-no-action sector of Catholicism, started pressuring Nemo to have Lucian baptized.

As an aside note, after Lucian was born and I was in my drugged up with magnesium bliss due to the pre-eclampsia, my Mom was so worried about the state of my marriage and what would become of Lucian (she saw him as being in the crossfire), that my Mom baptized Lucian herself. Technically a baptism can be done by anyone. Usually though, the only reason you wouldn't have it done a bit later is if the child is in physical danger. Later, the priest asked me if Lucian had been previously baptized (guess the Catholics don't want to accept you if you're already spoken for) and I said, yes, by my Mom at the hospital. I couldn't believe it, because the priest nearly turned me away. I explained the whole Nemo situation, and he relented.

So back to my original story. Nemo's parents pressure Nemo. Nemo pressures me. We couldn't agree to who should be Lucian's godfather. Nemo and I had an unspoken agreement that my sister would be the godmother. Nemo in return wanted his brother to be the godfather.

I had a huge issue with this, as Nemo's brother not only knew about Nemo's relationship with Elvira, but had supported it. Very openly. While I was home gestating, Nemo was cheating on me with the str*pper, and his brother was part of the party. (Because really, who is more fun? A huge pregnant woman or a str*ipper who supplies you with drugs?)

Nemo and I got into many screaming matches. He just couldn't understand why his brother wasn't good enough. I explained to him that I wanted Lucian's godfather to be someone Lucian could look up to, someone who could possibly help him through a spiritual crisis.

I don't particularly care for Nemo's brother - he's immature and sneaky. He hasn't spoken a word to me or looked me in the eye in over a year and a half now, since I confronted him about knowing Elvira. Why would I choose someone for my son to look up to who doesn't repect me?

I gave Nemo a few suggestions on men I would agree to. Nemo was set on the fact that it had to be someone from his family. So I gave him three choices, two of them his family members and one was Arista's husband. He agreed to his cousin's husband. Then I planned the baptism.

I thought the drama was over with until one day I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house. Nemo and his dad were at work. Nemo's mother, Cruella, was there alone. Apparently she had just learned about our godfather choice and she was mad that we hadn't chosen Nemo's brother. I explained that we thought that CH (cousin's husband) was the best choice.

She blew up at me. Got in my face and started screaming at me - how could I do this to her family? (uh, CH is part of your family) what is wrong with her son? he deserves to be the godfather, he's Lucian's uncle! he's Lucian's blood! (little did she know that none of them were blood) and on and on and on... This was in my pre-therapy days. I've since learned to stand up for myself and not let my mothering be undermined. That day, though, we had a fifteen minute screaming session that ended with me leaving in tears. Still, I couldn't back down.

It was so absurd. I've since taken note when I attend baptisms and find out who the godparents are. I've never seen any other grandparent have an issue with who the parents chose. It's still unbelievable to me that Cruella thought she was within her jurisdiction to dictate who we should choose.

As it turned out, CH has been a good choice. He wrote Lucian a beautiful note on his baptism day. He also gave generously and thoughtfully. He has taken an interest in Lucian's life, and makes an effort to give him little gifts. (not that I ever get them. Nemo keeps them all at his parents' house) But still, it's the thought that counts.

My sister couldn't make the baptism. She had had a vacation planned for months, and since I waited until Lucian was almost six months old to have him baptized, he was already the oldest baby and I didn't want to prolong it another month. Plus, I wanted to solidify the godfather choice.

My friend Arista stepped in as the proxy godmother. It was awesome because now Lucian has two godmothers, two very special women who care about him completely.

And one godfather, who wasn't my first choice, but fits the bill nicely.

Successful day

Today was the day of the party, the one I had the panic attack about. All my worrying was for nothing. It was a successful day.

I first took Lucian over to Arista's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys, then Arista, Lucian and I drove to the party.

Nemo met us in the driveway, as was my request. He had to borrow my sippy cup, because even though I had reminded him, he had brought nothing for Lucian.

Arista and I went shopping. I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing, for less than $4. I also bought myself a cute top for $7. We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids.

Then we picked up Lucian. Nemo again met us in the driveway. Lucian's godfather (a cousin... I'll have to tell that particular story soon) and Nemo's aunt (not the one whose house it was) met us too. Nemo's aunt was so kind, she said that she wanted me to come over and see her, that she didn't care about everything that had happened, she just wanted to see me. She was one of the ones I really miss. I told her that Nemo's family had made everything so awkward. Lucian's godfather was equally wonderful. We talked for a few minutes, and then left.

Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap. He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath. But he arrived home in one piece, and seemingly unscarred.

So I have nothing to complain about today.

How I lost all respect for my father-in-law, part 2

Here comes the part of why I no longer have any respect for my father-in-law.

I moved out of our marital home and in with my parents in October. Lucian's 1st birthday was in November. I would have loved to have thrown a party (I love to entertain), but I really didn't want to feel obligated in inviting Nemo's whole family. Plus, I didn't have the money. So it was just my immediate family and my best friend with her daughter.

Nemo called the day before and asked if he could join us in whatever we were doing to celebrate Lucian's day. I invited him to join us, and also his parents. Cruella called on Lucian's birthday. She spoke with my mother, and my Mom invited her to come also. She declined. I thought it was sad that her pride was standing in her way of celebrating her grandson's birthday.

Nemo told me that his family planned a birthday dinner for another night. It happened to be a night that we had arranged that I would pick Lucian up at 7:00, rather than 8:00. I dropped him off early to compensate, and Nemo agreed to it.

I arrived that night with my father. There was an uneaten cake on the table, and unopened gifts. They had not even started their celebration when we arrived. Jabba asked if they could have five more minutes. I said okay, but that we had to pick my Mom up and couldn't stay. It was a rainy night and my Mom was waiting for us.

After five minutes, I went to get Lucian's coat. Jabba asked again for five more minutes and I said that I'd love to be able to stay, but if we didn't leave, my Mom would be waiting out in the cold for us. It was now 7:15 and I said to Nemo - we agreed on 7:00, right? He agreed with me. Then, he shut up and let everything else happen.

Jabba suddenly went from the calm man that I knew to someone out of control. He started screaming at me, saying that it wasn't fair and that his family wanted to have a birthday for Lucian too. At first, I just stood there. Then, I started getting into it with him.

My Dad is a quiet, loving, caring, understanding man. He is not a fighter. He's a peace maker. My Dad scooped up Lucian and said that we were leaving. I was so proud of him. He then said in a deep, authoritative voice to Jabba that his daughter was a good person and I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. It's now months later and I'm still so proud of him for standing up to Jabba. Both Jabba and Nemo are big bullies and I'd taken too much from that family already.

Jabba wasn't happy with my Dad's words though. He puffed up his chest like a peacock and went over to my Dad. He pushed himself into my Dad, who was still holding Lucian. I had to come over and physically push Jabba out of the way. My Dad then left the house with Lucian.

I, of course, wasn't as calm as my Dad. They had engaged me, and I was ready to fight. I argued with Jabba and Cruella for a bit longer, (by this time, Cruella had started screaming too) and then finally left. I was shaking when I got into the car.

I realized afterward that I should have called the police. (Just like I should have when Elvira showed up on my doorstep) This was an example of the assault part of assault and battery.

It was a week before I started sleeping well again at night. I became even more frightened of my ex-in-laws.

Did I mention that other family members were there? They were shocked by Jabba's behavior too. But not one of them said a word or tried to help me in any way. Even Nemo said quietly - dad, Stella and I did agree to 7:00.

Jabba didn't make eye contact with me for almost six months after this incident. Most times, he hides in another room when I arrive. Cruella is currently in Europe for the summer, which has forced him to be the one who answers the door now when we arrive. He is now saying hello to me.

I have lost all respect for this man. Not just because of the screaming and pushing my Dad. It's because he did it all in front of Lucian. That's the part that infuriates me the most. No child should have to be witness to something like that, especially when his mother is being berated.

Oddly enough, Jabba has gained some respect for me. Maybe because I didn't back down. Maybe because he knows that I have the power to tell his whole family of Nemo's sterility and Lucian's paternity. I don't know.

I can only hope that Lucian's next birthday is more peaceful.

How I lost all respect for my father-in-law, part 1

I once thought that my father-in-law, Jabba, was a great man. He was raised by a wonderful mother, and an alcoholic, abusive father. To escape his father, he packed his family up and moved them to the United States when he was a young man.

He spoke no English. He took a low paying job. He traveled back to Europe for the purpose of meeting a wife, and brought her back to the United States with him. He's taken care of his mother ever since -Sophia has lived with them their entire marriage.

The early years were difficult, as money was tight. As time went on, however, he rose through the company little by little. After thirty years, he became the owner and president of a thriving business. He had a respectable family and many friends.

It wasn't until Nemo and I were married that I learned a lot of this story. Nemo knew almost nothing about his grandfather - he was never even aware of the real reason his father came to this country. I was the one who told him a great deal of his family history.

I became friends with my father-in-law. Not the kind of friends that get together and have lunch and gossip. Just two people who had mutual respect for each other and shared a love of his son.

For my part, I was a good daughter-in-law. I cultivated a relationship with both my in-laws. I didn't miss a holiday, and frequently went out of my way to stop at their house or to do favors for them. I took Sophia to the doctor and out shopping frequently. Whatever they needed, I was there.

Then, Nemo cheated on me and abandoned Lucian and me. When it finally got so bad that I was considering divorce, I went to both Nemo's parents and told them everything. They really seemed like they wanted to help. They both tried talking to Nemo. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't change anything, but I loved them for trying.

The first time I lost a little respect for Jabba was when I went to him after I realized how much money Nemo had stolen from us. There was a family rumor that Jabba had helped us with some of the IVF expenses (which wasn't true). I wanted to make sure that he had not given money to Nemo, and to tell him not to give him any additional money because of all of Nemo's spending. His words to me were - I'm not giving either of you any money. It really hurt me because I wasn't asking for any money and he made me feel like a crook. I had been trying to do him a favor and he insulted me.

Last year, after the divorce was filed but before it was final, my life was in transition. For me, that time was the hardest part of everything. I have a bunch of crazy stories to tell about Nemo's mom in particular, but I'll save those for another time. As the year wore on, things became more strained between Nemo's parents and me. I think they felt like they had to choose a side. I really tried to keep the peace, but all my efforts backfired.

Nemo's parents chose their son over their daughter-in-law and grandson.

To be continued... Lucian's awake from his nap.

Can anyone guess next year's theme?

I got an e-mail from Nemo today. This is his usual mode for contacting me to ask to see Lucian. Per the court order, he has to give me twenty-four notice when he wants to take advantage of his parenting time. I hate having more contact with him than is necessary, but it's better than last summer where I was waiting and waiting for him to show up all the time, and over half the time, he didn't. He's been more consistent lately.

Anyway, his e-mail also asked if we could work out an arrangement so that Lucian could go to a family party of his. His aunt and uncle throw a big family reunion type party every summer. In years past, I've had to drag Nemo with me, as he never wanted to go. Suddenly, he not only wants to go, but wants to bring Lucian with him.

I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day about this. I can't even explain why. It would really only be for a few hours, and there would be lots of people there so I know that Lucian would be watched carefully. His aunt and uncle live quite a good distance from my house so it's not like it's convenient for me to get to, but that's not the part that bothers me the most. It's because I know that he just wants to play father-of-the-year for a couple of hours.

He's able to step right in and play the part when it suits him, but when Lucian and I have really needed him to be a parent, he's out of the picture. Nemo's slogan should be - I'm not a father, but I play one on tv.

So even though it tore me apart, I e-mailed him back and said that I could probably work it out. I'm going to do it. But I don't like it.

One of my objections is about party is the theme. Usually the theme has been something bland, like - everyone wear the color red, or stripes, or a Hawaiian theme. Last year, right after everyone found out that my marriage ended because my husband left me for a str*ipper, they chose the theme of Ho*oters. I thought it was terribly offensive. Even though I was invited, I decided not to go. This year, their theme is beads. We all know what that means. Luckily, Lucian doesn't.

Ugh. It's all so dreadful. For so many reasons.

A story that typified our relationship

While I was in Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella, we spent some time shopping for household furniture and decorations, since the house was brand new and nearly empty. We have completely different tastes, so I mostly just watched while she picked out whatever she liked. She didn't really want my opinion anyway.

Until it came to the picture to go above Nemo's and my bed. She insisted that I pick it out. So we go to this store, that was like some kind of warehouse club for home decor. We go to the aisle with all the pictures, and she starts removing them from the shelves. This is how it went:

C: How about this one? (pointing to a picture of Jesus on the cross)

Me: That's fine, whatever you want.

C: No, I want you to pick out what you like.

Me: How about this one? (pointing to a picture with some flowers)

C: No, that won't work. How about this one? (pointing to a picture of Mary with Jesus)

Me: Well I like this one. (pointing to a landscape)

C: This one would be better. (pointing to a closeup of Jesus on the cross.)

Me: That's fine. Choose whatever you want.

C: No, I want you to choose whatever you want.

Me: I chose two that I liked but you said no.

C: I told you you could choose whatever you like. How about this one? (pointing to yet another picture of Jesus.)

I'll interrupt here to say that I'm a spiritual person. I was raised Catholic, and while there are many things about the church that I don't agree with (it's stance on abortion, IVF, gay marriage, women priests, priests being able to marry, etc), I'm not offended by Jesus or God or Mary in any way. I really just wanted something else hanging above my bed. It was supposed to be my choice, right?

So, to continue:

Me: Whatever you like is fine with me.

C: I'd like you to make the decision.

Me: I like the flower one.

C: How about this one? (pointing to yet another picture of Jesus.)

Me: So I can choose whatever I like as long as it's of Jesus?

C: No, get what you like.

Me: I liked the flower one.

C: You're supposed to have a picture of Jesus above your bed.

Me: Okay, how about this one? (pointing to the tackiest one of the bunch.)

C: Wonderful.

Here's the kicker: Cruella isn't religious or spiritual at all. She just wanted what she wanted. And wanted me to want what she wanted. Did you get all that?

On the day this happened, I wrote this exchange in an e-mail to Nemo. He cracked up and said - that's just like my mother. How do you deal with someone like this? I never could figure it out and that's why I usually went along with whatever she had to say. She was always right. No matter what.

My relationship with Nemo's family was doomed so long ago. At the time, I just thought it was funny. I might not be able to change the craziness, but at least I can recognize it.

The trip, part 2

See part one.

I had no idea what to expect from a month with my mother-in-law. I either figured that I'd leave loving her or hating her. In the end, it was a bit of both.

From the moment I stepped off the plane, I was having major stomach pain. I think I've suffered from IBS for most of my life. My stomach has been a mess since I was a very small child. The only way that I've found to relieve the shooting, burning pain is to lie down and sleep it off. But Cruella wasn't buying into my pain - I think she thought I was making it up.

I cried my eyes out the first day when I realized how emotionally tough it was going to be. Cruella was going to manipulate and dictate me. We arrived at the house after traveling thousands of miles, being dirty, exhausted, and me with my stomach ache. All I wanted to do was lie down, but Cruella had other plans for us: lunch with some relatives. It was agonizing to eat. And with the time difference, my body was expecting breakfast, but we were eating lunch.

I don't want to drag this story out so I'm going to briefly summarize here how our days went. We either:

got up, went to the beach for ten hours, had dinner with relatives, and stayed out late,

OR

we got up, had lunch with relatives, had dinner with relatives, and stayed out late.

I get bored very easily and even with my plenitude of books, all those hours at the beach drove me batty. The meals with the relatives were a burden too because I couldn't speak to anyone, and Cruella didn't want to translate for me. It was horrible being trapped at someone's house for hours on end listening to the conversation but not understanding. I finally started bringing my books and crochet with me to entertain myself.

One night, we left early after having dinner with an aunt. Cruella was aware of my stomach issues, and I was having a particularly bad time that night. I thought we were on our way home when I noticed that she wasn't heading in the direction of home. She told me that we were going to visit her sister. I insisted that she take me home. She didn't like the idea of me being alone, and was disappointed that I wasn't going to go with her. If I had been with my own mother, she would have insisted I go home and take care of myself. Heck, she'd have gone home and taken care of me herself. But this is the way Cruella is, it's all about how things look, not how they really are. She threw a fit that I wasn't going with her to see her sister. I couldn't believe that she didn't want to leave me at home alone for a few hours.

Other nights I was doubled over in pain at someone's dinner table. One afternoon I spent a couple of hours in someone's living room while she got a manicure and pedicure. Another day she pinched me at the dinner table, so hard that it left a mark. Many days she'd drag me to distant relatives' houses. I think she enjoyed playing the part of the American who did well now coming back to her roots. I think she liked to show me off too, but also to keep me in my place.

The trip wasn't all bad. I got to see my mother-in-law in a whole new capacity. I did love her, and I learned a few things on how to deal with her. I got a tan for the first time in my life. I did a lot of thinking, where I came to the conclusion that I wanted to have a baby through any avenue. I read a lot of books. I played a lot of solitaire. I felt more comfortable in my own skin than I had in a long time. We even did a bit of shopping here and there, which were my favorite times.

I had high hopes of really seeing the sights and doing all sorts of touristy things. After all, if someone came to visit my hometown, I'd really want to show them around. Take them to all the best places. I did get a good feel for the culture though. I was really immersed in it and that alone was the biggest learning experience for me. It changed me, in a good way. I see the world from a whole different perspective now. I had traveled before, but never for such a length of time, and never immersed in the culture so much. It was a gift, and one that I've kept with me.

I was never so happy to be home. Even today, years later, I'm still thankful. Thankful to be back where I understand the language. Thankful to be close to my friends and family. Thankful for my American Diet Coke. Thankful to be suffering with my IBS at home. But mostly, thankful that I had an experience, and that it's over, never to be repeated again.

The trip

A few years ago, I spent a month in Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. I felt pressured into going by Nemo, Cruella, and my father-in-law, Jabba. My in-laws built a house there, with the intention of living there part time when they retired. (Nemo's family all moved to the United States before he was born. Many of their relatives are still living in the same town they're from.)

Anyway, I knew before going that it was going to be a tough trip for me. I didn't speak the language for one. Which meant that I'd be able to communicate with Cruella only. Four weeks of speaking to no one but her. Secondly, they have a car, but it's a manual transmission which I don't know how to drive, so I'd basically be unable to go anywhere by myself. Thirdly, I knew that being away from my husband and family was going to be difficult. I get homesick easily.

The main reason that I went was because I needed some time to think. We had just had the failed IVF's, and didn't know what to do next. My life felt like it had no direction (to be honest, it still feels that way). The other reason I went was because heck, it was a free trip to Europe. How could I have turned that down?

I spent a month preparing for the trip. The diabetes supplies alone took up a whole suitcase. I got a loaner pump and brought three times what I thought I'd need in supplies. I also brought lots of yarn to crochet my heart out with. I brought thirty books with me. Yes, that's three-zero - 30 books with me. I had more books than clothes. And when I had to unpack and repack at Nemo's parents' house before we left, everyone was making fun of me. Still, I read them all, and even had to ration myself at the end so I'd have something for the plane trip home.

At the airport, I sobbed at the gate. Nemo's eyes were wet. I had to pull myself away from him to go through the security line. I've thought about that moment many times after all the events of the past two years. And all I can come up with is that he did love me. At one point he did. I still can't figure out how it can change so quickly. But once upon a time, he cried when I was leaving him.

To be continued...

Reprieve, but...

Last night, we had a reprieve. Nemo called and said that he was stuck at work and wouldn't be able to make his parenting time.

I got Lucian to bed early, and I had a night to myself, so I'm not complaining, but I am wondering. Was Nemo really working late? And, what would I do if I was relying upon him to babysit during that time? What if I had a job?

I believe that Nemo is currently taking advantage of his parenting time because of his family. I don't have it all figured out, but I think it goes something like this: Nemo's parents want to be a part of Lucian's life. (as grandparents, their time is derivative of Nemo's) Nemo can not afford his lifestyle, let alone the child support he has to pay. His parents give him money. They threaten to take the money away if they don't get to see Lucian. So Nemo calls me, and I bring Lucian over and Nemo gets his money.

I feel like it's a big farce. The whole situation is so fake, I can hardly stand it. I'm a sincere and genuine person. I have a hard time lying or pretending. (I'm more likely to not notice your haircut, then to compliment it - you know, the if-you-can't-say-anything-nice rule) And this situation to me is a charade. At some point, it's going to come crashing down.

Some believe (the legal system for one) that any father is better than no father at all. I'm not outwardly arguing this point. But being that Nemo is not the sperm donor and that I have never seen him actually be a father to Lucian, it just feels so fake. I'm repeating myself here. Sorry. How long will I have to tolerate this joke?

And Nemo's already called for tomorrow night. Ugh.

A kiss

Last night I dropped Lucian off with Nemo and his mother. I'm doing better about accepting the parenting time. Not great, but marginally better. I still feel like it's a waste of my time, but I'm accepting it, a little at a time.

Anyway, when my Mom and I picked Lucian up, Lucian came running to me, with a big smile and a loud - Ba Ba!!!! (for some reason he can't pronounce m's, so he calls me Ba Ba) Cruella leaned in and said - give me a kiss good-bye. Lucian then looked deep in my eyes and planted a big wet kiss on my lips. Then he smiled again and hugged me.

It was so wonderful. I can't even describe how elated I was. It was the purest joy of motherhood I've experienced.

Cruella has wanted to be Lucian's mother since the day he was born. I know this probably sounds a bit paranoid, but it's the feeling I've gotten from her from day one. She has tried to tell me what to do, and then she's gone and done her own thing, rather than listening to me. Every chance she gets, she undermines me. She has tried to get Lucian's attention away from me. She's actually pried him out of my arms several times.

So that one kiss, it makes everything worth it.

Ultrasound

When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I learned that I would be having an 18 week ultrasound. I was told that if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby, that that was the ultrasound that they could tell us.

I asked Nemo when would be convenient for him to go. I thought we could get the first appointment in the morning so that he wouldn't have to miss alot of time at work.

He informed me that he couldn't go. He was too busy at work. What?

This was the day that we would find out if we were having a son or a daughter, and he couldn't go? He had gone in late plenty of other times, and missed entire days without problem. The kicker is that Nemo works for his dad. My ex-father-in-law, Jabba, has been very unkind to me since the divorce, but at that time was very supportive of the baby and me. (At the time he thought the baby was his biological heir too so that could be part of the difference. Oh and the shame of divorce that I've brought upon their family, let's not forget that. Because there's no shame in your married son dating a str*ipper and leaving his wife. Just ending the marriage is the shameful part. But I digress...)

I spent a week in turmoil. Should I go to the ultrasound alone? I was embarrassed that my husband didn't want to go with me. When I told friends and family about the appointment, everyone was so excited, and all I felt was dread and humiliation.

So I went to his mom, Cruella. I told her that Nemo wasn't going to go. She laughed at me, and said that of course he was going. Nemo and I had had serious conversations about it, repetitively. I used all my persuasive powers and had been unable to convince him. I begged and pleaded and he still told me he couldn't go. Cruella called me the next day and said that Jabba said Nemo was going.

I made the appointment. Nemo said to me later that it was all a joke and that of course he was planning on going. I didn't think it was funny. Nothing in my life was funny. Not the fact that he was gone all the time, lying to me all the time, or manipulating me all the time. It was exhausting.

By the way, the ultrasound went great. We found out that the baby was a boy (obviously). Nemo wore his shocked face the whole way home. Deer in the headlights. I think that day it really hit home that a baby was coming. One that he felt wasn't his, and didn't really want.

And, he was only an hour late to work that day.

Infertility, part 2

Read part 1.

After the last IVF in early 2003 that was negative, Nemo and I decided not to push farther on at that point. Thinking back now, it was probably more my decision (as most things in the marriage were) because each IVF took a small piece of me. Each negative was extremely difficult and I needed some time away from infertility.

In the summer of 2003, I went to Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. Nemo's parents own a home there. I felt pushed into it, but at the same time, it was an adventure to take my mind off of the infertility. And I desperately needed that, so I went. I did alot of soul searching there as I had alot of time on my hands. Imagine yourself in a foreign country where you can't communicate with anyone besides your mother-in-law... who I later figured out was playing passive agressive mind games with me. I'm digressing here. So anyway, we spent alot of time at the beach, where I kept my mind open to all the possiblities. A little boy playing in the sand made up my mind: I would love any child that came into my life.

At this point in our infertility journey, we had been given the donor sperm option several times. Nemo didn't like the idea, as he felt that it wouldn't be his child. I didn't share his opinion, but I respected it.

When I came home from Europe, I was calmer than I had been in years. I had faith that a child would come to me.

Six months or so went by - I figured we had been happy before infertility, couldn't we be happy again without kids? I was okay in the short term, but still unsettled about the future. One day in the car, I brought it up. Surprisingly, Nemo responded to the donor sperm idea in a positive way. We had known all along that the few immature sperm that he could produce were of very low quality. It took us time (and alot of money) to accept that.

So in February I went back to the fertility clinic telling them our decision to try the donor sperm route. They required us to meet with a psychologist. I fell in love with Nemo all over again that day. He said things like - I want to have a baby, no matter the genetics, and - sperm doesn't make a father. We passed the psychological exam with flying colors.

We then went in to choose a donor. There were pages and pages of men just waiting to be the father of my baby. It was a daunting task. I broke down. I wasn't sure how I could choose someone that wasn't my husband to have a baby with. I remember telling Nemo that I just wished that he could be the father. And that using a donor was just so complicated. Nemo held up extremely well. He was very rational the whole time. We finally chose one, and never looked back.

I had my first and only insemination in March. I didn't think that it had worked. Nothing had worked in the past, so my hopes weren't high. The night before I went for the pregnancy test, I cried myself to sleep. Infertility cuts you off from the world in a way that most diseases/conditions don't. (my diabetes is nowhere near as isolating.) I could get through the days, but the nights were particularly hard.

The next morning, I went for the blood test and the nurse called me in the afternoon. My heart raced as I picked up the phone. I heard the words that I never thought I would hear - Stella, you are pregnant. I was stunned.

The first thing I did was to call Nemo at work. When I told him, he was shocked. He was speechless. I thought he had hung up on me speechless. He then said - I never thought it would work. I've remembered those words since because I truly think that he really did think that it wouldn't work. I believe that he went along with everything just to keep me happy and quiet. I will probably never know his true motivation for allowing the pregnancy to happen when I don't think it's what he wanted.

The issue of Lucian's biological father has colored my view on just about everything. From the fact that Nemo was never protective of Lucian, that he left me at home with a newborn alone after having a c-section, that he didn't really want to spend time with Lucian until the court got involved, and the fact that even now, I don't think that Nemo has bonded with Lucian.

Many people (including my fertility clinic) will say that the genetics don't make a difference. I'm one of those people who the genetics wouldn't have made a difference to. But the fact is, the genetics made a difference to Nemo. He might not say it out loud, but his actions speak for his heart.

For the record, I would do it all again. My son is amazing. He is beautiful, smart and charming. I know that all mothers feel that way about their kids so maybe my view is clouded with love. I love everything about him, and I'm so thankful to the donor who made my dream a reality and helped give Lucian life.