Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Still, whatever the outcome of this morning's visit, he soon will start the never ending infinity of shots. It saddens me. I know how inconvenient, sometimes painful, dreadful, and frustrating it is. It also gives me promise, because my Dad's diabetes has been headed in this direction for awhile, so I'm relieved that he's finally taking a step that will benefit his health.
Mixed emotions. The story of my life.
I admit that it's also hard for me to watch. I know enough to know that even though at times it's easy, it's not at first, and there's always moments where diabetes throws you a curve ball. I know it's coming and I'm powerless to stop it from hitting him. Still though, I know that this is the best thing for his health, so I support it one hundred percent.
It's fitting that it's Halloween - a day of candy gluttony - that my Dad is taking this step away from his restrictive diet. I hope one day soon he is able to enjoy a bit of that candy. A little no-guilt chocolate can go a long way.
Monday, October 30, 2006
I had ten months to prepare for the move to my parents' house. I physically started packing things over six months before the final box was carried out the door. I had time to look at every item in the house: Will I need this in my new life? Is it fair or unfair for me to take or leave it? Is this worth fighting over? Will Nemo even know it's gone? Definitely my obsessive behavior coming out there!
Nemo never said more than a few words about me moving. Every once in awhile, he'd say - what happened to the wine rack? (moved to a different room so my crawling son wouldn't get into it, duh) or - have you seen my winter coat/gloves/favorite shirt/sandals/etc? (banished all that stuff from my sight, but not the house, try looking in your own closet, you idiot) But for the most part, he was pretty clueless about anything I had packed or relocated.
Moving day came on a Sunday. Most of our furniture had either been his or mine from before our marriage so it wasn't hard to divide. Surprisingly, we had come to an agreement early on regarding the other furniture that we had bought together. And even though friends and family thought that I should take everything I could get my hands on, because he deserved nothing for what he did, I didn't want to start any arguments with him, so I left him half.
We never really decided who was going to take what other than those few couches and tables. There was a great deal of other things that we both wanted: the $1800 camera that Nemo had bought right at the same time he bought Elvira a $500 watch which I thought should belong to me, and Tivo, specifically.
On moving day, most of my furniture and boxes were loaded up to take to my parents' house. I realized then that there was alot more that I had missed that I didn't have time for that day. So I postponed actually leaving. I knew that I'd never be able to retrieve something later if I left it, so I wanted to go through everything with a fine toothed comb.
I need to back the train up a bit and tell you that as a shower gift, my Mom painted the baby's room. She painted a mural that covered every inch of the walls and took her over 125 hours. (depicted in the photo above, although the mural was not completely finished when the photo was taken. And, that was only part of one wall.) Nemo's parents bought us the baby furniture. On moving day, I had cleared out Lucian's room, besides the crib.
One night later that week, Nemo came home from work. My parents were there, and we were going to go out to dinner so Nemo could have some parenting time. Upon returning, Nemo started screaming at me. He had noticed that I took the baby furniture that his parents had bought. I tried reasoning with him. I couldn't exactly take a mural with me, so he could keep that. Where was the baby to sleep if not in the crib that was specifically purchased for him? I wasn't about to go out and buy new furniture. It's a ridiculous argument to have.
Nemo kept yelling, and started calling me names. I was frightened. After seeing his behavior from the previous year, I thought that he might get violent. My Mom stepped up and started trying to reason with him also. Have you ever argued with crazy? It's completely impossible. My Dad sat quietly, not wanting to get involved.
[side note: I had a long talk with my Dad after this incident. I told him that he needed to step up and defend me and not sit idly by. Not long after this particular day came Lucian's birthday, where my Dad stepped up to the plate with grace.]
Nemo eventually got so mad that he left. Maybe he felt that he might be violent, I don't know. I was truly terrified of him that night. When I have moments where Nemo is putting on his I'm-a-nice-guy-how-could-you-think-otherwise? act, I remember that night and I can't forget my feelings of terror.
What if my parents hadn't been there? That is what scares me the most.
My parents helped me get everything else out of the house in the next two days. I felt like a criminal because alot of the stuff was moved out after dark. Because I didn't know when Nemo would return (alot of times he would arrive at crazy hours), I felt the pressure of getting out of there quickly and quietly. It's not my proudest moment sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night. Even though I was only taking what was mine, I felt vulnerable and unprotected, and the law had not made me feel otherwise.
In my mind, I still walk through the house. I visit all the rooms, opening drawers, looking out windows, remembering how my fingers touched the door knobs and how my feet felt cold on the tile. I remember my pregnancy and feeling trapped in my dream house, the crying and sobbing and anguish that took hold of me when I lay on the kitchen floor in a ball. I remember cleaning ceiling fans, hanging Christmas lights, and mourning the losses of my IVFs. I can hear the doorbell ringing when Elvira came to the door and feel the panic and fear in my chest. It's all saved in my head, never to be forgotten. I can't always pull out those memories, they're a big knot that I can't seem to figure out where to start. It pains me too much to try and even think about unraveling it, let alone actually getting it loose.
Emotionally I've been weak for the past few weeks; I've been having a difficult time. I've been in a hard place. But it's not as hard as it was. I'm in a brighter place now. There's hope. My doorbell doesn't ring in the middle of the night. I haven't had to clean a ceiling fan and I've never lay crying on the floor in the fetal position, or screamed at the top of my lungs til I could no longer use my voice. There's order here, a predictability that gets me through the day, even the hard ones. I'm surrounded by love and respect, faith, peace and happiness. I'm so thankful for what I have.
There are still many demons lurking around. I mean, Nemo is still in the picture. But my son and I are safe and loved, and that's the biggest blessing there is.
Oh, and I did take the crib and the camera. And my amazingly wonderful parents bought me a new Tivo of my very own.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Anyway, during this somewhat rare conversation we had, he said something to me that I've been thinking a lot about. He said - I want to try and live in the present, make peace with my past, and stop worrying about the future. That's true happiness. (this is not a direct quote, by the way)
I wish I could learn that this is the moment I need to be happy in.
I have plenty of happy moments. Most of them involve Lucian. But the rest of the time, I'm not. Even though I realize that I'm in a better place than I was last year, the year before, or even where I was during the facade that was my marriage. Even though I'm thankful for everything I do have: the baby I dreamed of, a supportive family, a roof over my head, I'm not happy now.
I've always been a glass is half full kind of person. I don't feel like that same person anymore. I realize that I'm in a transition, which is necessary to become the person I'm going to be. Like the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. I need to experience all this. Even though it's so hard. I wish I could wrap up in my cocoon until the butterfly in me comes out.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I believe I just have a cold, but it's been in my head and sinuses, and making my world seem fuzzy. Emotionally too it's been a hard few weeks for me. I've been feeling so defeated and unmotivated. I'm going to be returning to my doctor soon because I think I need some medication changes.
Lucian has started stringing words together. I'm amazed by everything he says - "birthday party" "mama coat" "bye-bye doggie" stuff like that. He's also learned the power of the word "no!" which has caused some power struggles between us. Since he hasn't figured out the concept of choices, he basically says no to everything, even if he really wants it.
Nemo has informed me that he's starting group therapy for "something that happened before he met me". I have no idea if this is a lie, the truth, or somewhere in between. I'd love if he were getting therapy for something, but I've learned enough from the past that he tells convenient lies. I'm sure he knew that I'd buy into an idea about him getting some kind of help.
I've started receiving hang up calls again. I believe that it's Elvira. I don't know of any telemarketers that call and hang up at 9:30 on a Saturday night. And really, the point of a telemarketer is to talk to you, not hang up.
Most days Lucian and I go on a walk with my Dad and the dog. My parents have an exercise bike which I've recently started using. I haven't lost any weight, nor am I feeling any better, but I feel like I could feel better. At least I'm trying.
I used to crochet quite a bit, and my Mom has been at me to start again. I finally took her suggestion and started a blanket. I don't feel the passion I once did, but as with everything else, I'm hoping to change my thinking by changing my actions. Even if it's not working yet.
Last week I saw my endocrinologist. My A1C is at 7.0. Considering my stress, it's a number I can live with, but not one that I'm happy with. Luckily, my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect, so I didn't leave the office feeling bad about everything. He gave me two bottles of insulin samples too, which is a huge help considering my $50/prescription price tag that I can hardly afford.
I'm off to try and take a rest before Lucian is up from his nap.
Monday, October 16, 2006
I went to a Halloween party on Saturday. Since Nemo and I met because we had friends in common, this party was thrown by a couple that we both knew. Although they were closer to him than me. I had not seen any of this group of friends in two years, since their last Halloween party, at which I was eight months pregnant and had recently found out that my husband had cheated on me. I was still attempting to keep my marriage together. Strike that, what I was really trying to do was pretend that nothing was wrong because I had no clue how to proceed.
I knew going to this party was going to be hard. I'm aware that they know more about the breakdown of my marriage than I do. I think that the reason I wanted to go was that I wanted to go and hold my head high and show them that Nemo has not destroyed me. And I also was hoping that maybe I'd be given a sliver of information that could possibly help me, by either moving on or giving me some strength and power through knowledge.
I was given that sliver. But I emotionally paid a high price for it.
The couple throwing the party told me that Nemo is not welcome in their home. Most of what I learned came from the wife, who was pretty generous with information. If we had had more time (and if I had more emotional strength to hear it, I'm sure I could have gathered more.)
So here's what I found out:
1. Nemo at one point during our relationship gave his phone number to the above said wife and said to call him and that they should get together.
2. Nemo was spotted kissing someone at a bar while I was pregnant. (and while this is not news or surprising to me in the least, it was still offensive to me to hear.) There was a big discussion/argument between the friends as to what should be done. What they did: nothing.
3. Nemo's close friend, whom I like to call hypocrite-friend, and who counseled me before I had Lucian, was/is(?) a wife beater. More on this friend later, because there's a whole story there. I thought hypocrite-friend was a friend of mine, and I was fooled by him too. He was often Nemo's alibi and partner in crime.
4. The biggest piece of information that I found out was that when Nemo went on his trip to Las Vegas back in March, 2004, a girl followed him there. While I was being inseminated to bring a child into our family, he was with someone else, a waitress from a bar he frequented. (and because my friend has also met Elvira, she knew that this other person was someone completely different.)
5. Lastly, Elvira was witnessed high on cocaine at a wedding. Not sure where Nemo was during this scenario. Maybe he just wasn't making a nuisance of himself. That was the last time he was seen by the wife.
After hearing all this, I broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had arrived with another friend and her husband, and I quietly excused myself, saying that it was time for me to go home.
I got in the car and sobbed the entire way home. Gut wrenching, aching sobs and I didn't even have any tissues. I was on the verge of hyper-ventilating.
At home, miraculously my parents were still awake. My Mom was able to talk me down a bit.
I'm sure that you're wondering why I was so upset. I've known for a long time that Nemo cheated on me. It's common knowledge that he's a jerk, a slut, trash, a master manipulator and a liar. I haven't cried over him in a year and a half. Why now?
A big part of what hit me so hard was the fact that I finally had some proof from someone that Nemo was cheating on me from the beginning. I mean, passing out his number to a friend of mine? How risky is that? For a long time now, I've convinced myself that he started cheating because he couldn't deal with the infertility and the use of donor sperm and my pregnancy.
And even though I'm happy that I'll be able to tell Lucian that his conception was in no way a cause of the deterioration of our marriage, I rationalized that it was a good explanation, that it made sense. As if there's a good excuse for cheating on your pregnant wife. (or for cheating in general, for that matter.)
What I discovered though, is that my whole life during the years with Nemo was a sham. I thought it was just the marriage, but it's all of it. Everyone seemed to know but me. This big piece of my life was like a dream sequence. And no one told me. (not that I fault them - it's a hard position to be in.)
I'm mad at Nemo, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at this whole horrible situation. I don't know what to do with my anger. I'm not the yelling, screaming, conniving, confronting, revengeful type.
I'm mad that Nemo has more contact with me now than he did in the last year of our marriage. I'm mad how he's jerking Lucian and me around like puppets. I'm mad how the court allows this. I'm mad that I'm in this mess. The biggest part of my anger revolves around my sweet son.
I wouldn't trade Lucian for anything. I would fight a million battles for him. I'd give my heart and soul to have him in my life. I know that he was meant to be here, and that's why he is. And yet, I can't help feeling like, why didn't Nemo just say no? Why didn't he just say, let's wait a month on the sperm donor thing? He knew about his girlfriends on the side, he knew it was becoming an issue. Even I knew something was wrong that week he went to Vegas. Instead he just said, we'll be fine next week. And I believed him and went through with the insemination.
I believe in making up for wrongs in your life. Putting your time in. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time, kinda thing. And I think, haven't I paid enough of a price for loving this man? Haven't I given enough of myself and my child and my life to this mistake that I made? This mistake that was loving and trusting my husband? How much longer will I have to pay? How much more will I need to be in therapy and medicated?
I made my bed and now I'm stuck lying in it.
This weekend, I opened Pandora's box, knowing full well that I might not like what was inside. I'm still happy with my decision to go to the party, and thankful that I received the information, even if it haunts me for a long time to come.
The truth is the truth. And knowing the truth will help me rebuild. But it's harder than I ever imagined.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Been having quite the emotional, busy and sleep deprived weekend and I'm not ready to write about it just yet. I'm still here, and surviving. (Surprisingly, blood sugars have been surprisingly good through it all.)
Be back soon when I can update more. Come back again.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
(And before I tell you what happened this time, I'd just like to say that I'm really trying not to let him agitate me. But he does. Just by existing and having contact with me and my son.)
Last night I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house for his parenting time. A good number of the extended family were there, which I assumed was due to Nemo's brother moving out of state this weekend, and they were having his farewell dinner on a night when Lucian was there.
(Let me also interject that I am more nervous on nights when there are others there. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm definitely more anxious when there's a group of Nemo's relatives there.)
My Mom came with me to pick Lucian up. Some of the younger relatives were gathered around the kitchen table playing cards and eating cake. Nemo had Lucian on his lap. He gets up to give Lucian to me.
I get distracted by Nemo's aunt, who is trying to offer me a piece of cake, so I'm not able to take Lucian from Nemo. Nemo waits. And with Lucian in his arms, says to him - if you lift up your shirt, and let me see your belly button, I'll give you a bite of cake.
I then said, quickly and loud enough for the whole kitchen to hear me - this is not a str*ip club, my child isn't going to take off his clothes for any kind of bribery.
We left without further incident. But it weighed on me last night, and this morning too.
Before I was able to address the subject, I received an e-mail from Nemo, saying how my comment was out of line. He goes on to say how I should have pulled him aside privately and how he never knows what kinds of comments are going to set me off. Not only was he the one with the offensive behavior, he's trying to pin it on me. So typical.
I ended up e-mailing him back:
What prompted me to make the str*ip club comment, was your comment to Lucian
about lifting his shirt to see his belly button and he could have a bite of cake. This comment was so out of line - no child should ever be made to feel that they have to do something like reveal a body part for food. I want Lucian to know this is wrong, so that he is never touched in the wrong way. I'm not saying that that was your intention, but in this day and age, every child is potentially at risk, and he needs to know that that was an inappropriate request.
That being said, my response was said to shock you, not embarrass you. I needed you to know on the spot that your comment was inappropriate. In the last year of our marriage, I sat by quietly while everything was falling down around me. I didn't stand up for things that I knew were wrong. I've since learned in therapy that when something happens that shocks you, you respond to it. If there's a fire in your
house, you yell FIRE!!, not sit around and watch your house burn to the ground.
His response was that I misunderstood what he had said, that he only meant that Lucian had some cake on his stomach. My Mom was standing right there, and neither of us misunderstood what he said.
I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I can't trust this man for a minute. Even if he really doesn't mean any harm, his comments are inappropriate at best.
It's no wonder that I'm up at night worrying. There're so many horrifying possibilities of nightmares to come.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
There are past events that I'd like to write about, but I'm not in the right mental frame of mind to do it just now.
So here's a brief update what's been happening this week:
Lucian is doing well. He can now repeat the alphabet letter for letter, and is really working hard at trying new words.
Nemo is being his usual (insert expletive here) self. He's so inappropriate at times, it drives me crazy. He e-mailed a picture of Lucian to me, writing - doesn't it look like he's about to do something bad? Maybe I just take offense at everything he says and does, but really, are any two year olds bad? The picture was of Lucian smiling in his car seat.
I've been having a difficult time with my blood sugars again. I'm going to the endocrinologist next week. Maybe he can snap me back into where I need to be.
The weather is becoming increasingly dreary. Today has a nap written all over it. I think the weather may be a factor in my somewhat sour mood.
Here's to tomorrow being a more focused day!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
That's what I did yesterday.
Lucian and I were invited to Nemo's cousin's daughter's birthday party. More specifically, the birthday girl was the daughter of Lucian's godfather.
All of Nemo's family was going to be there. The only reason I agreed to go was because the cousin and the godfather have both made an effort to befriend me. Oh, and the second smaller reason that I didn't want Nemo fighting me for this time - I thought it would just be easier to attend.
As is the case with most of my anxieties, there wasn't much reason for it. The party went smoothly. And besides my annoyance with my ex-mother-in-law because she wouldn't let Lucian come to me when he hit his head, I didn't have an awful time.
Nemo's dad never looked at me or said a word to me, just sat on the couch like a lump. None of the uncles greeted me either. It's amazing how childish sixty year old men can be. I was pleasantly surprised that two of the male cousins who have mostly ignored me in the past two years came up to me and hugged me hello.
What counts the most is that Lucian had a wonderful time. They have every toy known to man at their house and he was in his glory. He was sent home with balloons too - it just doesn't get any better than that for him.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I didn't get it.
No surprise there, really. I had already pretty much decided that it wasn't the ideal job for me. To be honest, I was a little relieved that I didn't have to turn down a job offer. (I'm not in the position to be turning any down job offer at this point, so really, it's a relief.)
The letter I received was the nicest rejection letter ever. The good news about the whole thing is that they really liked me (the word impressed was even used!), and if I weren't so overqualified (what?) they would have offered me the job. They'd like to keep me in mind for other positions that they're hiring for in the next few months. Because this is a small company and I have a very close friend working there, I'm believing this as fact.
The timing is good too. I'm feeling more ready to go back to work by the day. (Not that I want to, but I'm dealing with it) At some point, I may even be READY! I feel like one day I might even be excited about it.
I've been trying to have faith that my life will work out the way it's supposed to. That faith that I should have had while I was waiting for Lucian to enter my life.
Even with all the other things I'm dealing with (and I'll be the first to admit that a lot of it is my own mental state), I'm way more hopeful than I ever was.
And just in case you're wondering about Nemo's flesh eating disease, I'll have an update this weekend. I'm trying not to let him spoil my good mood today.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
I can see myself walking through the rooms of our house. I'm often alone in my memories, in the way I can see the morning sun coming through the windows in just such a way that signals the hope of a new day. I see myself in my favorite chair, curled up with a book, one that I won't remember the title or the details of six months later. I see my cats perched on top of the refrigerator - I'd attempted climbing up on kitchen chairs to swat them down, but they'd be up there again before I knew it. I finally left them to their bird's eye view in peace. I see myself dancing in the family room, decorating the Christmas tree, and weeding the garden.
I see moments with Nemo too. He and I sleeping in on a lazy Sunday morning, the way my sheets felt against my skin, and warmness that comes only from sleeping beside another person. I see us having dinner together, watching a movie, getting ready for a wedding, painting the basement, planning a trip, all mundane things that mean nothing individually, but together add up to a life shared.
This old life of mine was a sham. The things that I thought I had weren't really there at all. Sure, the material things were there, our physical bodies were there. But the key piece was my husband, his heart, and he was an illusion. I bought into it. I'm not mad at myself for not seeing it earlier, Nemo put on a good show for me. It would be like getting mad at yourself for believing in Santa Claus for so long - when you're a child, all the evidence points to the fact that he is real - but once you know the truth, you're able to see through the facade. And wouldn't you like to go back to the time when you believed? Just for a moment? To breath it in take that fullness with you? There's something to be said for blissful ignorance.
However, there's more to be said about living the truth.
I want to live in the world of integrity, sincerity and honesty. Sometimes these two worlds of mine collide. And I wish for things that I know in my head just can't be, because they never really were.
In my heart, those things were real. If only to me and no one else.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Surprisingly (and I mean this in an ironic way), he is still sick today. Sicker, in fact, than yesterday. Today he has the sores and is ill. And he cancelled his parenting time. Thankfully.
He said that he'd be iffy for the remainder of the week. Especially for Lucian's swim class, because he doesn't want to get in the water if he still has the sores. Hello, wasn't that what I was saying to him yesterday? When he told me how much better he was doing?
I don't want this blog to become the look-what-Nemo-has-done-now show, so I'm going to try and keep these ridiculous exchanges to a minimum. I've realized by the new tags that I'm using, that way too many of my posts are about Nemo and that's not what I want this blog to be about. I really want it to be about how I'm putting my life back together, with explanations of what happened in the past.
I'm going to try to do it anyway.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
As I mentioned on Friday, Nemo called and told me he was sick. Not only called me, but sent me an e-mail with links about this disease he has and how horrible it is. He told me that he went to the doctor on Friday morning and the doctor told him to come back on Monday to be re-evaluated. That he even might have to be admitted to the hospital for seven days.
I told Nemo in no uncertain terms that I did not want Lucian around him if he was contagious. Nemo agreed with me.
Fast forward to today, Sunday. Nemo called me this afternoon to see Lucian tomorrow. I asked him how his disease was progressing. He said that his boils or scabs or whatever were mostly healed. I don't see how this is possible since it has only been two days. And from my research on the internet, most likely these boils would have needed to be surgically drained. Nemo did not mention that he had had that done on Friday. (although he told me about a coworker that had her boils surgically drained, so I assume he would have told me that he, too, had had that done.)
He said that he is still going back to the doctor tomorrow. I said that I wanted him to ask the doctor specifically about his contagiousness. But is he really going to the doctor?
Then I asked him if he was okay, because he sounded distant. (I slip this concern of mine in every once in awhile. But honestly, sometimes he sounds sick and contagious, or so unlike himself, that I wonder if he is drunk or high or something) Anyway, he tells me that he is out of the state, out shopping for condos with his brother, who is moving.
Isn't it interesting that the same weekend that Nemo is claiming to be deathly ill, is the same weekend he takes a trip that is over five hours away. My guess is that he wanted to leave Friday night, so he suddenly had this illness.
Here I've been so worried that Lucian is going to catch this disease, when Nemo probably hasn't been sick at all.
Or has he?
I'm exhausted by all these things I can not control. How do I not worry about Lucian? I think any mother would worry. And yet, I feel like Nemo's always in control, because he can make things up as he goes along.
Every time it gets a little easier for me, something happens and I get more frustrated. I want this vicious cycle to end.
I wish there was an end in sight.