Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Narcotics and my anxiety attack at the drug store

I'm not usually a procrastinator, but when it comes to getting prescriptions filled, I wait until the last minute. Part of it is that I hate the process so much, and the other part is that my copay is $50 per prescription. So I put off getting refills until I am desperate.

I recently went to drop off one of my scripts. It was for my morning pill, the one that gets me through the day, one that is normally prescribed for ADD, which my doctor believes is part of my problem in focusing on things. (what was I talking about?? ha ha...)

Anyway, the pharmacist called me back to the pharmacy to tell me that they only had eighteen pills they could give me. My prescription is for thirty. No problem - I said - I'll just pick up the rest when they come in. But no, I was told that since it was a narcotic, whatever they gave me, I'd have to live with because the rule/law? is that they can't give you the balance if they've given you a partial fulfillment. This seems completely ridiculous to me. But whatever. I have diabetes, I've suffered infertility, I've been through a nasty divorce - I get that life isn't fair or logical.

The pharmacist was overly nice (besides her pronunciation and whispering of the word narcotic, that made me feel like a criminal) and called five pharmacies until she found one that had thirty pills. (I think she saw the desperation in my face: I need my narcotic! NOW!) While she made the phone calls, I panicked, wished I had my anti-anxiety medication (how's that for irony? being at the pharmacy without my pills?), prayed to God that someplace in the tri-county area had my pills, and realized that I can't let this happen again.

As I was driving to the other pharmacy, I realized just what a balancing act I have going on right now. I'm so happy with the way I feel, that I'm scared of losing what ground I've gained. I also had no idea I was taking a narcotic (my doctor never mentioned it, web md never mentioned it, and I certainly don't feel like I'm taking a narcotic, all I feel is more normal). Right now my pills are my crutch. I don't want to be on this cocktail forever, but for the moment, I'm scared to have them taken away. I'm not ready not to have the support.

Next time, I'm calling the week before to make sure they have my narcotic available. And I won't forget to bring my anti-anxiety pills either.

Just in case.

Sunday, January 28, 2007


I found my wedding album recently. It was in some boxes that I finally decided to sort through. Truth be told, one of the reasons I stayed away from the whole sorting project was because of stuff I might find, like the wedding album.

So I found it, but it took me two weeks to drum up the courage to look at it. I went through each page slowly, letting the memories and feelings and changes absorb. It was painful. I sobbed through a good portion of the process. It's haunted me since.

I showed the album to my therapist. I think that I wanted her validation - yes, this wedding did happen. Someone wanted to marry me at one point in my life. The beauty and love of that day existed pure and unaffected by the events that followed. I think I wanted her to see that I was a normal person, Nemo was a normal person, we were a normal couple even. Even if maybe we weren't.

I had agreed that Nemo would keep the album. For someone who violated every wedding vow, he sure had an interest in the wedding keepsakes. In one of my - go ahead and take all this, I certainly don't care about our wedding album because it obviously meant nothing - moods, I almost pushed the album into his hands and out the door. But at the last minute, I grabbed it. For three reasons. 1. It was my pet project (obsession) for months. I chose every photo, every placement, every page. With all the work I put into it, I couldn't just leave it behind. 2. The cost. I'm cheap, and I paid for it (almost) myself. 3. Sentimental reasons including knowing that I would eventually have a need to look at it, to convince myself that it did in fact happen.

I feel that I've pulled myself (mostly) out of the depths of depression, that I'm now able to control my anxiety and obsessiveness (all thanks to lots of pills and therapy), but what I'm now realizing is that I'm having to deal with feelings and events that I previously pushed aside because they were too painful.

At the same time, I'm emotionally fragile. With my current medications, therapy, routine, support, etc, I'm finally balancing on my big toe on the high wire. But anything, even a small thing, could make me topple over and have to start again. I'm fighting daily just for where I am now, and I'm afraid of losing the more stable ground I've discovered in the past few months.

I still feel paralyzed: too afraid to look back, too confused to go forward. But I try, a little at a time. When I'm ready. When I can set aside the time to cry over things like my wedding album, that at one time made me so happy.

And I dream about a happier, stable future. I have to believe that it's out there.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Tear-down and reconstruct

I have a sinus infection. After just having bronchitis a month ago too. I'm sick of being sick. Luckily Lucian has only had colds that disappear so I can't complain about my body turning them into full blown infections. The doctor wanted to give me a steroid in addition to the antibiotics, but I wouldn't take it. I'd rather deal with the headache, coughing and drainage than 300+ blood sugars.

We've done some construction to my bedroom in the basement. (okay, not me... we had someone do it) Which meant that I had to box up everything, move it to another area, try to live without certain things for the duration (like the internet) or dig through boxes, wait, and finally try and put it all back. My only complaint is that this has been done the week that I'm not feeling well. I'm really excited that not only is my room better, it's also cleaner and more organized than it previously was. Spring cleaning a couple months early if you will. I slept in my own bed last night. Heaven.

I've had some issues that I've been dealing with lately, things that happened in the past that I'm trying to deal with. Nemo has been a whole lot like his old pre-drug, pre-stripper, pre-Lucian self. I have a really hard time trying to reconcile those two people into one. I know that no one is all bad or all good, we're somewhere on the spectrum between the two ends. It's just hard to figure out where Nemo should go. I look at him and the good and the bad both come rushing at me. I want to remember the good, but it's painful. I want to forget the bad, because it is painful. But I also don't want to forget, because, well, it happened and I don't want it erased.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Another list

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't been blogging, because things have been pretty good and I don't want to jinx it. I've also reached a level of acceptance (a low level for sure!) and a lot of the time I feel it's just easier to forge ahead than work through old stuff. Plus I've been busy.

I hate to make a list, but I'm a list person. And any post is better than no post at all, right?

1. Lucian suddenly wants people to play with him every waking moment. While this is quite charming, it's frustrating not to be able to accomplish anything with him in the room. Plus he hasn't mastered the skill of sharing. But he's darling and so excited that I can't say no to his requests - "Mama, play!" He's also been saying things like - "Mama driving. Papa's car. Lucian backseat." It's such a riot. He tells stories like that all day. My favorite is when he's taking a bath - "Lucian pen*is. Mama no. Papa pen*is."

2. My sister got engaged. This might merit a whole blog on its own. (just kidding) I am extremely happy for her. That being said, I'm getting annoyed with everyone (my sister, friends and even Nemo if you can believe it) ask me how I'm taking the news. I'm happy, excited, thrilled. I hope she gets her happy ending. Because there is such stress put on me that I'm not as excited as I should be, I just don't know how to act. I'm so frustrated. This wedding has nothing to do with me [besides being sister of the bride and matron/maid (do I get to be a maid again, or how does that work anyway?) of honor], it's really about my sister and her fiance. I've been telling everyone I'm fine. I had my dream wedding day. Now please leave me alone and tell me where to buy the dress and what time you want me there.

3. My relationship with Nemo is still improving. It's reminding me of how it is with an old college room mate - familiar but reserved. He took Lucian, my mom and me out to dinner tonight. It was a grand gesture for him. I'm still reminded of my old Nemo and it still hurts. But I'm doing okay.

4. Speaking of which, I feel pretty darn good. Most of the time. I have lots of energy, which I have been pouring into listing lots of junk on that auction site I hate to mention. I'm even toying with the idea of opening a store. Have no idea where I'd get that kind of inventory but it's the first thing (besides Lucian) that I've been excited about in a long time.

5. I applied for a job this week that I really really want. It's part time with benefits, close to home, similar to a company I worked for before, doing something I could really handle. I worked really hard on my resume and cover letter - I hope it pays off. It would give me everything I need - to be close to home and Lucian to have control over that part of my life, health insurance, money, etc etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, even though I've been disappointed by these kind of things many times before.

6. I'm not sure if it's my new pills or what, but my blood sugars have been all out of whack. I used to take about 35 units of insulin/day, now I'm up closer to 45. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it does. It took me weeks to tweak my basals so I could even come close to normal numbers. I don't know why I fight it so much. I just hate seeing my basals go from 18 units/day to 28.

7. I have a shopping day planned with my mom tomorrow. I'm dropping Lucian off with Nemo's mom and I'm getting out for the day. Nemo told me that Lucian begs Nemo's mom to play trains with him all day. That vision has been keeping a smile on my face because she's not one to get down on the floor and play. So it's gotta be a long day for her with him there.

8. Something else about Lucian. He climbed out of his crib for the first time the other day. I went in to get him one morning and he was sleeping on the floor with three pacifiers lined up next to him, and the picture of him and me moved on the dresser. I cracked up. Until I realized that he's not entirely safe anymore. He can get out of his crib. That petrifies me.

I want to write a big long meaningful post sometime soon. I've got lots of thoughts in my head just not the time to write them.

I have high hopes for 2007 though. It's going to be a better year.