Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Feeling better

I love my new (prescription) drugs. While I'm still struggling in many ways, I feel that I'm rejoining my life, a little at a time.

I've been able to focus lately. It's feels amazing to really be content with a task at hand and not freaking out about what comes next.

I'm accomplishing much more than I ever used to.

Plus I feel like I'm not always coasting through the day, waiting for the end when I can go to bed. There are moments along the way that I'm enjoying.

The chatter in my head is slowing down. My obsessive thoughts are taking up less space.

I'm finding that things that would cause me great anxiety before don't affect me so greatly. I'm able to see these things as a temporary road block instead of a permanent one and I'm able to think more logically.

I'm starting to think that Lucian and I really will be fine in the end. I've been saying it, trying to believe it, but up until now, I haven't been able to convince my heart.

I actually feel lighter.

One of my pills keeps me in a constant state of dry mouth. Sometimes the thirstiness makes me question my blood sugar. It's a small price to pay.

Even my prescription copay, which I think is outrageous, is a small price to pay.

I'm nowhere near thinking all my problems are solved, or even that I hold the key to solving them soon. But I feel optimistic, hopeful, and more content in my own skin that I have in a long time.

Anything is possible. It feels good just to say it, and really mean it.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Tonight I found out that my friend who filed for a divorce about three months ago, is dating someone.

I'm conflicted for two reasons:

First, for her kids. (but since I didn't hear this from her directly, I don't know much about it, and I'm going to assume that she is not introducing this new person to her children yet. I like to think that she has their best interests in mind.) So I'm not going to address this issue.

Second, because I feel left behind. In my own life. My reasoning for not dating is because for the time being, my son is the most important thing. I'm trying to give him the most solid foundation that I can, and right now (for me, anyway) I feel that I'm doing the right thing. I want to get our lives on track before I introduce someone new into it. (maybe even more importantly, I want to get my life on track before I introduce someone new into it.)

I can't help but wonder, how is my friend able to get on with her life so quickly? Before the papers are finalized and signed? How? Why am I not ready? Why is she?

The conflict that I'm having is that I really do want to have someone in my life. I want that fairy tale happy ending too. (heck I just want a little less of a bumpy ride along the way) But I don't feel very datable right now - I wouldn't want to date me. (You know that whole, you've gotta love yourself before others can thing.)

It's hard sitting on the sidelines. Even if you know you're not ready to get into the game.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm still alive

I've been terribly busy lately. I've been thinking a lot about posting, but haven't had the time or energy to do it. Especially to do it without sounding pathetic, depressed, or God forbid, like I'm throwing myself a pity party.

So in no particular order, here's what I've been up to:

1. Selling things on the famous auction site that I won't mention by name. I've sold a bunch of Lucian's clothes. Not that I'm really making any money with all the fees they charge, but even a few dollars means something when you're jobless, right? Plus I'm getting rid of some clutter.

2. I chopped my hair off. I've had long hair since 8th grade, when I had a horrible "boy" cut that I detested. After that, I never had the guts to cut it short. I've been feeling for awhile now that I need some kind of change, any change, just to prove I can do it. So I did it. Seven whole inches. Now my hair is just a hair (ha ha) below my chin. I love it. I feel like I've lost ten pounds. (Nemo used to like my hair long, which was another reason for doing it.)

3. Lucian has been talking nonstop. Something just snapped in him one day. He's now repeating everything. And naming everything. He likes to take a roll call. At dinner, he'll go - Papa, Gigi, Mama, Oy (which is what he calls himself. I'll say - where's Lucian? And he'll say - Oy! and point to himself. And then I'll say - where's Oy? And again he points to himself.) If I ask him who's here, he names us all plus the pets. It's a riot.

4. My new medications are working well. One of the new ones I'm on is helping with my obsessiveness. I'm finding that things that would upset me before aren't bothering me quite so much. I'm not reacting quite the same way. I'm spending a fortune on doctor's bills and medications, but I don't care, because I think there might actually be an end to the fog in my head.

5. Nemo asked me about the holidays and I didn't freak out (much). We came up with a plan. One that I can live with. Have I mentioned that Nemo has been MIA for Lucian's first two Christmases? This year he's suddenly turned into Father Christmas.

6. Lucian's birthday is coming up. I wasn't able to do anything for his first birthday due to circumstances and finances. I'm having a party to which I haven't invited Nemo or his family. I feel wonderful about it. I still can't afford to do much, but that's okay. It will be a party nonetheless.

7. I think I've mentioned before that my Mom is an artist. The holidays are where she makes the majority of her income. I've always helped where I could, which is to say, not very much. This year, she's doing something that my left brain can participate in. Every night that we're not too exhausted, I've been helping her. Hopefully she'll make lots of money. I think helping her has helped me mentally focus too. Helping other people is always more helpful for yourself. Words to live by.

Monday, November 06, 2006

An example of how obsessing and worrying gets me nowhere

Lucian's birthday is this month. He'll be two. I've been aware since his first birthday that this year his birthday will fall on Nemo's night of parenting. Basically, I've been planning how to handle this situation for almost a year now, so that I can have the birthday for my son that I want, with me included, and where I feel in control.

(I've mentioned that I'm totally obsessive compulsive and controlling, right? This is why I'm seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Who the heck thinks this much about their kid's birthday a whole year before?)

I found some coupons for a kid-type restaurant in the newspaper. I approached Nemo tonight:

Me: (holding coupons) I was thinking about Lucian's birthday and thought maybe we could have dinner at this (totally obnoxious, expensive, bad food) restaurant.

Nemo: (surprised and excited) Yeah! Sounds good.

Me: I thought we could invite our parents, my sister, etc etc, buy 47 tokens, and order these five things off the menu, get there at 6:30, leave at 8:00, blah blah blah....

Nemo: Sounds good. What day of the week is his birthday on?

Me: Umm... (playing dumb because I have his next ten birthdays planned out) Let's see, last year it was on a (n)day, so it must be a (n+1)day.

Nemo: Okay. Sounds good to me.

Me: Let me know and we can plan how many people and whether we need to make a reservation. And I can plan for the weather, acts of God, and other miscellaneous things.

Nemo: Okay. Cool.

Do I need to blather on about everything? I get nervous talking to people (this even happens with people I'm close to) where suddenly I've told them so much they're either bored to tears or know way too much information about boring things in my life.

Obviously, Nemo is just along for the ride, just happy to be invited along. And I've been thinking and obsessing about it for a year. Don't get me started on the holidays. I feel so messed up. Yet I can't stop.

My doctor put me on some new medication. Hopefully it will straighten me out. This is getting so tiring.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The night before

The night before my wedding, I cried my eyes out at the rehearsal dinner.

There had been a lot of stress the week before the wedding. Nemo and I didn't even talk for a bunch of days about three weeks before. I had had a freak out of sorts the summer before too, but we (meaning I) had resolved that.

It should have been smooth sailing at the last minute, but it wasn't. Even though I thought it was, I realize now that it was filled with bumps.

I was a pretty relaxed bride-to-be. I let others make decisions: my Mom the flowers, Nemo's mom the cake, that sort of thing. I was planning a marriage, not a wedding. I just wanted the day to be fun and stress-free. I got almost none of that.

After the rehearsal at the church was finished, and after we had had dinner, we start saying good-bye to everyone. That's when Nemo tells me that he is going out with his friends. It's like 11:00 at night, and tomorrow is the biggest day of our lives. And he wants to go out. He had a bachelor party the week before, why did he have to go out once more? Why this night of all nights? I wanted him to be in bed early preparing for our day. But that's not why I started crying.

I asked, then begged Nemo not to go. I pleaded with him to do this one thing that would make me happy. What did he say to me? That he couldn't disappoint his (dirt bag) friends. They were forcing him to go.

I approached two of his friends, two that I had more respect for than the others. I asked them that if they were going to take Nemo out, and wouldn't do me this one favor, would they at least guarantee that they wouldn't keep him out late or get him drunk. The friend that I had the highest amount of respect for looked me straight in the eye and said - I can't promise you anything. That's when I burst into tears.

Knowing all I do now about what happened to my marriage and the person I was really marrying, this story is not of great significance besides the fact that it shows me that even early on, Nemo wasn't willing to compromise with me. He put his friends and his need for instant gratification before me. Always.

I knew even then, that it wasn't his friends' responsibility for making sure Nemo got sleep the night before his wedding. It was Nemo who wanted to go, he was the problem in this. I think it was just easier for me to blame his friends.

[side note: 10.5 months later, at another friend's wedding, it was slipped out in conversation that Nemo and his friends had gone to a str!p club that night. I was so mad then that I didn't speak to Nemo for a few days. He claimed that he just didn't remember. His friends still remembered after 10.5 months, why didn't he?]

I never thought about calling off the wedding. Never had a doubt at all once I recovered from my cold feet panic from the summer previous. I loved Nemo and I accepted him with all his faults included. I convinced myself that love was enough. I even thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I had no idea just how naive I was. I probably still don't understand the complexities of the disaster that was my marriage.

Tomorrow would have been my seventh anniversary. Tonight there will be no tears, and tomorrow I will celebrate the joy of living the truth.