A couple of updates

It's been awhile since I've talked about Nemo, and it's been on purpose because I don't want to make my life about him. I feel like enough has been said and what more is there for me to say?

But I'd still like to give an update once in awhile. For those of you bored enough and brave enough to have read my blog from the beginning, I feel you deserve to know how the story continues to play out.

So here goes.

In a strange twist of fate, Nemo has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I knew it was coming late last year when he had blood taken and a doctor had told him that his blood sugar was in the high 200's. I'm not sure what the current diagnosis number is, but I was surprised when nothing became of that blood test. Months later, I was the only one not surprised by his diagnosis.

He's taken the whole thing quite well. He's made diet changes (lost 25 pounds) and he's on pills. His doctor (who also happens to be my doctor) said that if he were to lose more weight, he could probably come off the pills. We've talked a little about it, and I'd like to think that my influence has affected him in a positive way.

In general, things with Nemo have been stable. His parenting time seems to be good for both him and Lucian. Nemo has cancelled a few times, but it's definitely been more reasonable than in the past.

Probably the biggest change is that I've let Nemo start driving Lucian. I was very reluctant. Very, very reluctant. In Lucian's whole life, Nemo had driven him only 3 times: when he picked us up from the hospital, his 5 day old doctor appointment, and once to Nemo's parents' house. All of those times I was in the car. All of those dates were in December, 2004.

I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever completely trust Nemo again. Every time good things happen, there's still a voice in the back of my head that reminds me of some of the things he's done in the past. A lot of times, it still hurts me deep in the gut. If I could have, I'd never have allowed parenting time to happen at all, and for the most part, over time, the situation has been fine.

I still didn't really want Nemo to drive. I was terrified and panicked. Nemo accused me of being overprotective and having control issues. (Hello!! Just where do you think those control issues came from, buddy?) In the end, after much deliberation and reluctance, I decided it was time to let go. It was really hard. Having to put trust in someone that you have doubts about. And trusting him with the most important thing in the world to me.

But it went okay. Nemo now picks up Lucian twice a week for a couple of hours. Mostly they still go to Nemo's parents' house (where I had been dropping Lucian off).

[A side note: One of these parenting time nights I went shopping with my Mom and on the way back, Nemo was in front of us at the traffic light. It was about 15 minutes before Nemo and Lucian were due back and we were about 5 minutes from home. He didn't see us, and turned into another subdivision near our house to stall. I was happy that he's trying hard to be on time, and he's taking it seriously by leaving early. I didn't tell him that we had seen him, but it meant alot to me.]

Anyway, there are some benefits for me. The biggest being that a big portion of what was scaring me is no longer there. (fear of fear itself kind of thing) I know I did the right thing for 3.5 years, and I feel that the timing was only right at this point now. I also spend less time in the car, less on gas (yeah!!) and less on food (since I always needed to eat out.)

My relationship with Nemo is good. I feel like he's an old friend, and we're able to joke around and have a good time when we're together (with Lucian, obviously). For my own sake, it's good. (God, how many times can I use the word good?) But more importantly, for Lucian's sake, he's seeing Nemo and I getting along, having meals together, parenting together, and Lucian's learning all sorts of things about family, love, and forgiveness that he won't be able to articulate for years to come.

For that, I am grateful.

My COBRA insurance ended a couple of months ago. I was thrilled that I found new, personal health insurance through the same insurance company. I was also thrilled with the cost, less than half of what I was previously paying through COBRA. However, I'm not thrilled with the coverage and finding out that many services are not covered.

It struck me particularly hard when I realized that it covers nothing for my mental health. I see my psychiatrist every 3 months or so, but I see my therapist weekly. The psychiatrist charges about $200, and $800/year is not an unfeasible amount to come up with. My therapist charges $160, and it's nearly impossible for me to come up with over $600 a month to cover that cost.

So sadly, I told my therapist this week that I could no longer afford her services, and we've agreed to start weaning me off the therapy. I'll be going once a month for a few months and we'll see.

That was 3 days ago. Since then, the following things have happened to me:

1. Found out that the company my Dad works for will be closing its doors in one week.

2. Been babysitting for kids that I adore but require a great deal of attention and I'm stressed out (ie - 9 yr old asked me today how Nemo's therapy was going...)

3. Had a breakdown after taking Lucian out for dinner with friends; he behaved hideously and in addition I had to listen to how wonderful everyone else's lives are (vacations, babies, weddings, etc) so we left early and both of us cried the whole way home. I was having a moment of pity about how hard it is being a single parent without someone to fall back upon.

4. I'm trying to organize a bachelorette party for my sister - imagine the non-drinker/full time mother who gets her pajamas on at 7 pm trying to throw a party for major partiers/drinkers that doesn't feel incredibly lame. I have nothing against drinking and partying, it just doesn't fit my current lifestyle. And to be honest, I never fit into that lifestyle, I'm much too controlling.

5. For Nemo's birthday we were planning to get together for dinner. Said he was going to call me and never did. Felt like I was transported to 3 years ago when he would never call me back and I'd leave messages saying - just call me if you're alive. I'm disappointed in myself because he's been communicating better lately and I believed that he was going to call me. I'm even more disappointed in myself because I took Lucian shopping for a gift and told him it was Nemo's birthday. So Lucian was singing Happy Birthday and saying Daddy's birthday! all day. Breaking my heart each time.

6. I'm incredibly frustrated with my diabetes. I haven't had good numbers in weeks. I feel like all I do is correct the high numbers, and increase my basals. Maybe it's stress. The highs stress me out more. And I think the insulin makes me hungrier. Which makes me feel like I'm chasing my tail: high, more insulin, weight gain... round and round. And my insulin prescription was $100. Totally stressful.

Only 3 more weeks until I can unload on my therapist.

Meltdown

Nemo came over for his parenting time last night. We had dinner, then Nemo and Lucian proceeded to watch the choo choo movie, while I spent a leisurely hour reading. Nemo asked me about Christmas gifts for Lucian. We spoke a little about his grandmother, who is in poor health. He told us about a tv program he had seen that might help my Mom's business. At one point, I had to discipline Lucian by putting him timeout, and Nemo supported my actions.

Since this seems like a rather lovely evening (as far as spending time with Nemo goes), what complaint could I possibly have? Because you know I have one...

Last night, and for a few weeks now, Nemo has been participating in life again. He's communicating more, asking questions, getting involved in people's lives again.

As happy as I am that Nemo is easier to be around, I can't help but feel that all the pain and torment I went through by his doing is being glossed over. Because old Nemo is coming back!

It's easy to fall back into a relationship with an old friend after a fight. Even a sister, brother, or parent. But a wife/husband? It's much more complicated. I had to leave our marriage because it was killing my soul. I made the right decision, and I don't regret it for a minute. But having others see Nemo as being himself again feels like it's diminishing my suffering. And although I'm trying to "lay it down" (as my mother says), or work through it so I'm not carrying the pain around with me forever, I haven't reached that point yet. It still hurts me to think of all the nasty emotional games Nemo played with me. (I also don't want to be a victim forever, but for the moment, I'm still in the midst of feeling like one.)

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a bad feeling? And you can't figure out the reason for it? Then you realize that you had a bad dream. And even if you can or can't remember the details, those negative feelings follow you around for awhile? That's kind of how I felt last night. My rational side was like - it went great tonight, why are you complaining? But I couldn't help feeling... I don't know, not positive.

I had gotten used to the new Nemo. I knew what to expect. Now that I'm seeing glimpses of my old Nemo, it confuses me.

(Let me make it clearn that I don't want to get back together with him. And I really mean that I do not want to get back together with him. Forevermore, in my eyes, Nemo will walk hand and hand with untruths and manipulations. I can never see one without seeing the other. I will never be able to look at Nemo and not see the person who wouldn't come pick me up at the hospital after giving birth to Lucian, or that night, when he left me alone with a newborn when I couldn't even bend over due to the c-section incision. The way I see it, once a murderer, you're always a murderer. Even if you've served your time you can't take it away. Once a diabetic, always a diabetic. It's still there, even if you don't always see it. Maybe you can move on from the past, but you can't rewrite history.)

So there I was last night, after Nemo left, feeling like I had a black cloud hanging over me. I got over-emotional and worked up, started crying and obsessing. I couldn't figure out why when it seemed like things went really well. Then it hit me what my meltdown was about: my past colliding with my present and future. I've never handled any kind of change well, even positive change. The emotions are too much for me. When a two year old has a tantrum because his environment, emotions and communication skills aren't in sync, I understand, because that's what happened to me last night.

Today I'm feeling better. I've been able to talk my way through it. Thanks to my wonderful medication, (have I mentioned lately how great I feel?) I still feel stable. I'm even glad it happened because I learned a little more about the feelings I encountered.

I'm still hoping that he rides off into the sunset and leaves Lucian and me alone. A girl's gotta have a fantasy, right?

An example of how obsessing and worrying gets me nowhere

Lucian's birthday is this month. He'll be two. I've been aware since his first birthday that this year his birthday will fall on Nemo's night of parenting. Basically, I've been planning how to handle this situation for almost a year now, so that I can have the birthday for my son that I want, with me included, and where I feel in control.

(I've mentioned that I'm totally obsessive compulsive and controlling, right? This is why I'm seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Who the heck thinks this much about their kid's birthday a whole year before?)

I found some coupons for a kid-type restaurant in the newspaper. I approached Nemo tonight:

Me: (holding coupons) I was thinking about Lucian's birthday and thought maybe we could have dinner at this (totally obnoxious, expensive, bad food) restaurant.

Nemo: (surprised and excited) Yeah! Sounds good.

Me: I thought we could invite our parents, my sister, etc etc, buy 47 tokens, and order these five things off the menu, get there at 6:30, leave at 8:00, blah blah blah....

Nemo: Sounds good. What day of the week is his birthday on?

Me: Umm... (playing dumb because I have his next ten birthdays planned out) Let's see, last year it was on a (n)day, so it must be a (n+1)day.

Nemo: Okay. Sounds good to me.

Me: Let me know and we can plan how many people and whether we need to make a reservation. And I can plan for the weather, acts of God, and other miscellaneous things.

Nemo: Okay. Cool.

Do I need to blather on about everything? I get nervous talking to people (this even happens with people I'm close to) where suddenly I've told them so much they're either bored to tears or know way too much information about boring things in my life.

Obviously, Nemo is just along for the ride, just happy to be invited along. And I've been thinking and obsessing about it for a year. Don't get me started on the holidays. I feel so messed up. Yet I can't stop.

My doctor put me on some new medication. Hopefully it will straighten me out. This is getting so tiring.

Inappropriateness

Nothing sends me into an emotional frenzy like dealing with Nemo.

(And before I tell you what happened this time, I'd just like to say that I'm really trying not to let him agitate me. But he does. Just by existing and having contact with me and my son.)

Last night I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house for his parenting time. A good number of the extended family were there, which I assumed was due to Nemo's brother moving out of state this weekend, and they were having his farewell dinner on a night when Lucian was there.

(Let me also interject that I am more nervous on nights when there are others there. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm definitely more anxious when there's a group of Nemo's relatives there.)

My Mom came with me to pick Lucian up. Some of the younger relatives were gathered around the kitchen table playing cards and eating cake. Nemo had Lucian on his lap. He gets up to give Lucian to me.

I get distracted by Nemo's aunt, who is trying to offer me a piece of cake, so I'm not able to take Lucian from Nemo. Nemo waits. And with Lucian in his arms, says to him - if you lift up your shirt, and let me see your belly button, I'll give you a bite of cake.

I then said, quickly and loud enough for the whole kitchen to hear me - this is not a str*ip club, my child isn't going to take off his clothes for any kind of bribery.

We left without further incident. But it weighed on me last night, and this morning too.

Before I was able to address the subject, I received an e-mail from Nemo, saying how my comment was out of line. He goes on to say how I should have pulled him aside privately and how he never knows what kinds of comments are going to set me off. Not only was he the one with the offensive behavior, he's trying to pin it on me. So typical.

I ended up e-mailing him back:

What prompted me to make the str*ip club comment, was your comment to Lucian
about lifting his shirt to see his belly button and he could have a bite of cake. This comment was so out of line - no child should ever be made to feel that they have to do something like reveal a body part for food. I want Lucian to know this is wrong, so that he is never touched in the wrong way. I'm not saying that that was your intention, but in this day and age, every child is potentially at risk, and he needs to know that that was an inappropriate request.

That being said, my response was said to shock you, not embarrass you. I needed you to know on the spot that your comment was inappropriate. In the last year of our marriage, I sat by quietly while everything was falling down around me. I didn't stand up for things that I knew were wrong. I've since learned in therapy that when something happens that shocks you, you respond to it. If there's a fire in your
house, you yell FIRE!!, not sit around and watch your house burn to the ground.

His response was that I misunderstood what he had said, that he only meant that Lucian had some cake on his stomach. My Mom was standing right there, and neither of us misunderstood what he said.

I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I can't trust this man for a minute. Even if he really doesn't mean any harm, his comments are inappropriate at best.

It's no wonder that I'm up at night worrying. There're so many horrifying possibilities of nightmares to come.

I still don't know which part was the lie

This morning I e-mailed Nemo to find out how contagious his disease is today.

Surprisingly (and I mean this in an ironic way), he is still sick today. Sicker, in fact, than yesterday. Today he has the sores and is ill. And he cancelled his parenting time. Thankfully.

He said that he'd be iffy for the remainder of the week. Especially for Lucian's swim class, because he doesn't want to get in the water if he still has the sores. Hello, wasn't that what I was saying to him yesterday? When he told me how much better he was doing?

I don't want this blog to become the look-what-Nemo-has-done-now show, so I'm going to try and keep these ridiculous exchanges to a minimum. I've realized by the new tags that I'm using, that way too many of my posts are about Nemo and that's not what I want this blog to be about. I really want it to be about how I'm putting my life back together, with explanations of what happened in the past.

I'm going to try to do it anyway.

Lies, lies and more lies... or maybe not?

If someone is constantly lying to you, and you are forced to deal with them, how do you make it work?

As I mentioned on Friday, Nemo called and told me he was sick. Not only called me, but sent me an e-mail with links about this disease he has and how horrible it is. He told me that he went to the doctor on Friday morning and the doctor told him to come back on Monday to be re-evaluated. That he even might have to be admitted to the hospital for seven days.

I told Nemo in no uncertain terms that I did not want Lucian around him if he was contagious. Nemo agreed with me.

Fast forward to today, Sunday. Nemo called me this afternoon to see Lucian tomorrow. I asked him how his disease was progressing. He said that his boils or scabs or whatever were mostly healed. I don't see how this is possible since it has only been two days. And from my research on the internet, most likely these boils would have needed to be surgically drained. Nemo did not mention that he had had that done on Friday. (although he told me about a coworker that had her boils surgically drained, so I assume he would have told me that he, too, had had that done.)

He said that he is still going back to the doctor tomorrow. I said that I wanted him to ask the doctor specifically about his contagiousness. But is he really going to the doctor?

Then I asked him if he was okay, because he sounded distant. (I slip this concern of mine in every once in awhile. But honestly, sometimes he sounds sick and contagious, or so unlike himself, that I wonder if he is drunk or high or something) Anyway, he tells me that he is out of the state, out shopping for condos with his brother, who is moving.

Isn't it interesting that the same weekend that Nemo is claiming to be deathly ill, is the same weekend he takes a trip that is over five hours away. My guess is that he wanted to leave Friday night, so he suddenly had this illness.

Here I've been so worried that Lucian is going to catch this disease, when Nemo probably hasn't been sick at all.

Or has he?

I'm exhausted by all these things I can not control. How do I not worry about Lucian? I think any mother would worry. And yet, I feel like Nemo's always in control, because he can make things up as he goes along.

Every time it gets a little easier for me, something happens and I get more frustrated. I want this vicious cycle to end.

I wish there was an end in sight.

The universe is trying to tell me something

Lucian's sick again. It's a nasty cold this time. He spent the first day of the funeral with my god-daughter, who also has a cold. The awake time wouldn't be so bad if he'd sleep well at nap and bedtime.

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but tonight was supposed to be our first swimming class. I wanted to sign Lucian up but I'm a little afraid of the water myself, so I thought it would be perfect if Nemo could get in the water with him. Up until today, Nemo has sounded excited about it.

This morning, I decided that the swimming class was out for tonight. I was disappointed since it's the first class and all. But I wouldn't want someone bringing their sick kid to class. So I e-mailed Nemo and told him that we weren't going.

An hour later, he called me. He is sick too. He's got some infection that is resistant to antibiotics that shows itself with boils and pus. Nice. Just what I want my almost two year old exposed to. Even if Lucian weren't sick, he'd have backed out. (I got my bathing suit out a few days ago in anticipation that Nemo wouldn't be joining us - I just had this feeling.)

(Sidetrack: wondering what to do about Nemo's illness and how to keep Lucian away from him. Nemo's going back to the doctor, so maybe I shouldn't worry too much. But I probably will anyway. And Nemo said that his sores started yesterday, around the same time he was getting directions to the pool from me. Why didn't he mention anything then?)

Back to the first story. So then, an hour after Nemo's call, I received another phone call. The parks and rec dept was calling to say that the instructor is sick and we'll start next week.

Three separate reasons for not going to the swim class. That's enough of a sign for me.

Hopeful

I'm feeling better today. I started taking the new medication this morning, and although the doctor told me it would start working immediately (not like the anti-depressants I take that take weeks and months), I was doubtful. But surprisingly, something in me feels different. In a good way.

And while I still realize that nothing has changed since yesterday, I feel hopeful. Not hopeful in that I'm expecting great things to happen. Just a switch from feeling hopeless and indifferent to maybe things could be better.

Optimistic.

Nemo came over to see Lucian again this morning. I hate myself for saying this, but I always was and still am a reactor to his moods. So when his mood is good, I'm good. When he stirs up trouble, I feel awful. I HATE that. And I'm trying to work on changing it.

We had a nice visit. Went for a walk and played with Lucian's toys. It's been good for me to watch their interaction. No drama, just a play date. I'm filled with relief.

There's a church sign I recently saw that said something like - blessings can't be received with a closed fist. It was one of those things that haunted me every time I'd drive by when I was clenching the steering wheel. Today I realized that through the miracle of prescription drugs, my hand was open. Ready to receive blessings.

Hopeful.

Some things never change

Since Lucian's been sick, Nemo has called me several times over the past couple of days to inquire on how he's doing. He has seemed very concerned. Yesterday Nemo said that if Lucian wasn't better (and this illness has a pretty long tail for contagiousness) that he would like to come over and see Lucian at my parents' house.

Nemo has been showing more interest in Lucian lately. I've complained about it before. I still don't understand why now. I'm trying not to over analyze it, because it's driving me crazy. I mostly think that Nemo has had to have some accountability to his parents, and that's his motivator.

Anyway, back to the current events. Today Lucian was feeling slightly better. He's at the stage of the illness where you're not completely better but you don't want to lay around either. So he was extremely fussy, not eating well, and just generally not the most charming of children today. (We watched train videos all. day. long.)

I e-mailed Nemo and to confirm with him to come over because Lucian wasn't up to going over to see him. I didn't hear back from him until almost dinner time, when he called and said he was still at work. He said that he had to stay until 6:30 (he usually leaves at 4:30) and what time was Lucian going to bed? He knows that we have a routine, that I get Lucian to bed at 7:00 nearly every night. And still he asks.

I'm trying hard to make Nemo insignificant in my life because I give him too much of my power. I generally plan my day around the fact if we have a visit or not. It's stupid, I know. It makes me feel like if I'm prepared for the situation that I'm in more control over it. I feel so out of control. I'm not sure that my preparedness really helps. (hello my old friend - the link between diabetes and preparedness) I know that my obsessing doesn't help, and I haven't been able to stop that either.

What I believe happened was that Nemo saw an easy way out. A way for him to have a night off from babysitting Lucian and having dinner with his parents.

I'm so confused and unfocused on the situation that I can't seem to understand it. It baffles me.

I guess the bottom line is that I didn't have to see Nemo today. Lucian got to bed early (6:30! because he was a mess tonight) and I got a few extra hours to myself. Whatever am I complaining about?

I'm going to go to bed and try and forget about this. I can't seem to get a good grasp on it awake. Maybe my subconscious can work it out.

Sick again

Lucian is sick again. Or should I say sick still, since he had a cold last week?

Last night I dropped him off at Nemo's parents' house. On the way over, he was quietly reading his Thomas the tank engine brochure that he likes to study in the car. He was so quiet, I thought maybe he had fallen asleep. Usually he reads and points at things - car! bus! trees! When we dropped him off, he was fine.

My Mom and I went shopping. An hour into it (and before we got to eat dinner I might add), I received a call from Nemo saying that Lucian was screaming his head off. They couldn't get him to eat or stop crying. I said I'd be right there, and we went and picked him up.

We were able to get him to stop crying, but he wasn't himself. We ended up taking him to the after hours clinic at the hospital. We had an amazing doctor who was incredibly patient with Lucian. He told us that Lucian has hand, foot and mouth disease. (I thought it sounded like something that horses get so I looked it up and that's called hoof and mouth disease)

Although it sounds worse, it's just a virus and he should be back to normal in a few days.

I was very happy with the way that Nemo and his parents handled the problem. I'm glad they called and deferred everything to me. It was a good lesson for them too - normally they see only the best side of Lucian, when he's happy, clean, well, and rested.

It gives me a bit of hope for the future. What a strange package it came in.

Dinner

Last night, Lucian and I met Nemo for dinner. It's part of my let's see how Nemo and Lucian interact with each other plan. At this point, I still don't feel that Nemo has earned any trust from me. But the only way for that to happen is to see them together. And although he doesn't have my trust, I did witness Nemo being tender with Lucian, and even that was a positive step.

Lucian (aka Mr No Nap) made the whole affair a bit more difficult, but all in all, we had an okay time. Because, really, how great of a time can you have with your ex-husband who you despise, who lies every chance he gets, sleeps with any willing female, and looks and smells awful?

Back to the story: We met at a local fast food restaurant. You know, the one with the kid's meals and choking hazard toys because they never have the toddler toys? Anyway, we placed our order and when the girl told us the amount, Nemo said - I've got it. He gets his wallet out, reaches into the bill section and realizes that he doesn't have enough money. So he pulls out his debit card and hands it to the girl.

Seconds go by, I'm holding Lucian who wants to be put down but I can't let him run, so he's starting to freak out. The girl then says - your card was denied.

Why I was shocked, I'll never know. (Last summer, when it was our account, I was denied an $11 purchase at the grocery store. We used to receive overdraft notices in the mail daily. I'm not sure how Nemo ever paid all those fees back, we had so many.) I think I was surprised because I thought that even though Nemo is paying me child support, I thought that Elvira and his dad (and possibly others) were helping him out financially. Maybe it's always a shock to find out someone is dead broke. Later I would feel sad at how pathetic he is, and self-doubt as to if I should have bought this jerk dinner. But at the moment all I felt is surprise.

I paid for dinner. I opened my wallet, glanced at my credit cards that I've been able to keep. I thought of my good fortune of not having my credit ruined by this man. I reached into the bill section and slickly pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the girl.

Nemo was embarrassed and said things like - my paycheck must not have cleared, and - I'll pay you back on Friday.

I told him not to worry. I might not have a house of my own or a car of my own, but I can afford a hamburger for my son.

We ate our meal while I basked in the joy that is having (a small bit of) your life in control.

What I did about my dilemma

Thanks to everyone that responded with comments about my dilemma.

I ended up doing what everyone suggested. I e-mailed him and said that because I hadn't heard from him, I had already made plans. (My plans were to get Lucian to bed on time, but he didn't need to know that.)

I wrestled with it for awhile, because even though Nemo doesn't deserve it, I'm really trying to work with him rather than against him.

Our parenting time agreement is MWF 5:30 - 8:00. So, Nemo needs to let me know by 5:30 the night before. It's been in effect over a year now. He has all day until 5:30 to call - you'd think that would be a relatively easy task.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he normally e-mails me in the morning from work. So he's better about the 24 notice then. But on Sundays, it's hit or miss. He never e-mails me on a Sunday, which I don't understand because it seems to me that it would be easier than having to talk to me (or my parents). My theory is that he's out late on Saturdays, and spends Sundays recuperating. I still think he's into drugs.

The strangest part might be his response. I was nervous, as I always am when I have to set boundaries with him. But he e-mailed me this morning and said that he was sorry that he called late, and "wished that it didn't have to be like this". I'm not sure what he meant. I mean, the reason we implemented the 24 hour notice was because of him! He just wasn't showing up for parenting time, and I'd have to sit around and wait for him. This was when I was still living in my old house.

I guess I'll never figure him out.

I felt really good about what I did. Especially hearing from you - it reinforced my decision. Thank you. Stay tuned for more dilemmas of mine... I've got many more!

What would you do if you were me?

I have a difficult time making decisions. I can't seem to make choices - I always worry that I'll make the wrong one.

So, dear readers, I want to ask you what you would have done if you were in my situation.

Nemo has to give me 24 hours notice to take advantage of his parenting time. If he doesn't call, I don't have to honor his request.

Tonight, he called fifteen minutes late. I was not home, so he left a message.

This is not the first time this has happened. In the past, I have both said yes and no, depending on the circumstances. On the one hand, I'm trying to work with him. But on the other, I feel that if I don't set and keep some boundaries, he'll take advantage of me forever.

And really, 15 minutes! He had ALL day long to call or e-mail me. You'd think that if it were that important to him to see Lucian that he'd make it a priority.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. You can leave it anonymous if you'd like.

I'll let you know what I did afterward.

Successful day

Today was the day of the party, the one I had the panic attack about. All my worrying was for nothing. It was a successful day.

I first took Lucian over to Arista's and he and my goddaughter splashed in the pool and played with her toys, then Arista, Lucian and I drove to the party.

Nemo met us in the driveway, as was my request. He had to borrow my sippy cup, because even though I had reminded him, he had brought nothing for Lucian.

Arista and I went shopping. I bought a pair of shoes for Lucian that I had been eyeing, for less than $4. I also bought myself a cute top for $7. We had such fun - it reminded me of the days we used to spend shopping before the kids.

Then we picked up Lucian. Nemo again met us in the driveway. Lucian's godfather (a cousin... I'll have to tell that particular story soon) and Nemo's aunt (not the one whose house it was) met us too. Nemo's aunt was so kind, she said that she wanted me to come over and see her, that she didn't care about everything that had happened, she just wanted to see me. She was one of the ones I really miss. I told her that Nemo's family had made everything so awkward. Lucian's godfather was equally wonderful. We talked for a few minutes, and then left.

Poor Lucian was exhausted tonight since he missed his nap. He could barely keep his eyes open for his bath. But he arrived home in one piece, and seemingly unscarred.

So I have nothing to complain about today.

Panic attack

Last week, I mentioned the party that Nemo would like Lucian to attend.

After I told Nemo that I would bring Lucian, I asked him if there was a specific time frame that he had in mind. He e-mailed me and said that he'd be there anytime after 2:00.

I then went to considerable effort to change my plans for that day. My amazing friend Arista said that she would go shopping with me that day. Since this party is not close to either my house nor hers, we made a plan. A plan, which by the way, could not include a nap for Lucian.

I e-mailed Nemo to tell him that I would have Lucian there from 2:00-5:00. I thought that he would be happy, or at least satisfied that Lucian would in fact be able to attend on a day that wasn't his, and a location that is normally out of the question. That would have been too easy. He responds to me and asks if Lucian can stay until 7:00.

Keep in mind that Lucian's normal bedtime is 7:00, and that's when he has a 2-3 hour nap. Keep in mind also, that Nemo has never spent five consecutive hours with Lucian either. Oh yeah, and part of my plan change, was to go out with Arista and her family that evening.

This happened yesterday. It seems ridiculous to me now, but I started to panic. I had to take some of my anti-anxiety medication. I didn't want to say no to Nemo because I'm afraid of future consequences. Nemo has shown no interest in returning to court, but he's such a smooth talker that the thought of going to court scares me. It motivates a lot of my actions. The courts are very pro-father right now.

In the end, I e-mailed Nemo back and explained how I had rearranged our schedules to accommodate his original request. I told him that I was really trying to work with him (in spite of him being a horrible person, husband, and father).

Today he responded that he was trying to work with me too. All that worrying, and I don't think he even gave my response a second thought.

Remind me of that the next time I'm panicking.

Moving in the direction of my future

I know that I need to get a job. I've been putting it off for a few reasons. The biggest one being that I want to spend as much time with Lucian as possible while he's young. For me, and for him.

Due to our parenting time schedule, one of my worries is that if I'm working, Lucian may be spending more weekday awake hours with Nemo than with me. (that is, if Nemo's consistent that particular week.)

But I'm realistic, if nothing else. I know that even with all the problems, drama, and pain that I've been through, I still have had a good thing going in that I haven't been forced back to work before I was ready. (alright, I admit, I'm still not entirely ready. But I've had a good, long time to get used to the idea.)

I've given my future a good deal of thought. Should I go back to school? Should I take a part time job, just to get myself out of the house? Will anyone hire me after being out of the workforce so long? Do I have any skills left?

Even though I've lacked it before, regarding my future I've had faith that something would come to me. Either I would wake up with a sudden direction to take, a passion for something, or a job.

Today a friend of mine called me and said there's an opening at her company. She's told them some of my situation (leaving out a lot of the dramatic bits, I'd assume) and they'd like to talk to me.

The job wouldn't be my dream job, but it sounds like it could escalate into more. I like the idea that I might be doing more menial tasks to start with and advance into other stuff later. The company also is very flexible with my friend's schedule - she's able to be with her kids when they need her. I love that, as Lucian is the first priority for me.

So I sent her my resume, and we'll see what happens. I'm nervous, anxious and apprehensive. But also a bit excited. It could be a perfect fit.

Note to self: don't make plans that can't be changed

This just in:

Less than an hour after I was complaining about the parenting time, Nemo calls me to tell me that he can't make it tonight because he had another tooth fall out. I believe that this is his third one. He has had some major dental work done in the past, so I'm not sure which the other two teeth are (real or im*plant), but he said this one was an im*plant. I have no idea if this is the truth or a lie. I mean, he's been living without two teeth all this time, what's the big deal about losing a third?

It figures that my Mom and I had some good shopping planned for tonight, doesn't it?

More on parenting time

Even though I complain about the parenting time constantly (much more than I blog about), there is a (very) small part of me that looks forward to it. I hate to admit it, but it's my only real, consistent time out of the house by myself.

I'm not usually by myself though. My Mom almost always goes with me, after the screaming incident she likes to be there as back-up. We plan a dinner out, and usually some shopping. Luckily, Nemo's parents live close to lots of shopping, so it's easy to rotate between the malls and other shopping areas without becoming too bored. On occasion, we might go visit my grandmother, who has cancer and is not doing very well.

On the infrequent times that my Mom can't go, I might go to the library, meet up with friends (although it's rare that anyone can fit into my specific time block), or just go out to dinner by myself with a book. Even the times by myself are pleasant enough.

Besides the fact that I don't trust Nemo, the hardest part for me is that I don't like that the parenting time is etched in stone. That I feel like I have no choice about it. Usually, I have a nice time, and it's a good break for me to get out of the house. I can accomplish things quicker too without dragging around a toddler.

I just hate that it's forced upon me.

Can anyone guess next year's theme?

I got an e-mail from Nemo today. This is his usual mode for contacting me to ask to see Lucian. Per the court order, he has to give me twenty-four notice when he wants to take advantage of his parenting time. I hate having more contact with him than is necessary, but it's better than last summer where I was waiting and waiting for him to show up all the time, and over half the time, he didn't. He's been more consistent lately.

Anyway, his e-mail also asked if we could work out an arrangement so that Lucian could go to a family party of his. His aunt and uncle throw a big family reunion type party every summer. In years past, I've had to drag Nemo with me, as he never wanted to go. Suddenly, he not only wants to go, but wants to bring Lucian with him.

I've had a sick feeling in my stomach all day about this. I can't even explain why. It would really only be for a few hours, and there would be lots of people there so I know that Lucian would be watched carefully. His aunt and uncle live quite a good distance from my house so it's not like it's convenient for me to get to, but that's not the part that bothers me the most. It's because I know that he just wants to play father-of-the-year for a couple of hours.

He's able to step right in and play the part when it suits him, but when Lucian and I have really needed him to be a parent, he's out of the picture. Nemo's slogan should be - I'm not a father, but I play one on tv.

So even though it tore me apart, I e-mailed him back and said that I could probably work it out. I'm going to do it. But I don't like it.

One of my objections is about party is the theme. Usually the theme has been something bland, like - everyone wear the color red, or stripes, or a Hawaiian theme. Last year, right after everyone found out that my marriage ended because my husband left me for a str*ipper, they chose the theme of Ho*oters. I thought it was terribly offensive. Even though I was invited, I decided not to go. This year, their theme is beads. We all know what that means. Luckily, Lucian doesn't.

Ugh. It's all so dreadful. For so many reasons.