Friday, September 29, 2006

The universe is trying to tell me something

Lucian's sick again. It's a nasty cold this time. He spent the first day of the funeral with my god-daughter, who also has a cold. The awake time wouldn't be so bad if he'd sleep well at nap and bedtime.

I can't remember if I mentioned it before, but tonight was supposed to be our first swimming class. I wanted to sign Lucian up but I'm a little afraid of the water myself, so I thought it would be perfect if Nemo could get in the water with him. Up until today, Nemo has sounded excited about it.

This morning, I decided that the swimming class was out for tonight. I was disappointed since it's the first class and all. But I wouldn't want someone bringing their sick kid to class. So I e-mailed Nemo and told him that we weren't going.

An hour later, he called me. He is sick too. He's got some infection that is resistant to antibiotics that shows itself with boils and pus. Nice. Just what I want my almost two year old exposed to. Even if Lucian weren't sick, he'd have backed out. (I got my bathing suit out a few days ago in anticipation that Nemo wouldn't be joining us - I just had this feeling.)

(Sidetrack: wondering what to do about Nemo's illness and how to keep Lucian away from him. Nemo's going back to the doctor, so maybe I shouldn't worry too much. But I probably will anyway. And Nemo said that his sores started yesterday, around the same time he was getting directions to the pool from me. Why didn't he mention anything then?)

Back to the first story. So then, an hour after Nemo's call, I received another phone call. The parks and rec dept was calling to say that the instructor is sick and we'll start next week.

Three separate reasons for not going to the swim class. That's enough of a sign for me.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Lucian has reached two verbal milestones in the past week.

First, he said his first sentence: Gigi, play. (Gigi is grandma, my mother) My Mom was so thrilled that she obeyed his command and ran into the next room to play with his trains.

Second, he said his first two syllable word without a repeat (like Gigi or Mama): birthday. It sounds more like bood-day because he hasn't mastered r's or th's yet.

This has been a hard week out of a long year for me. I'm dragged down by other things, most that I'm too sad and depressed about to write about. (because it might bring me down further) So I'm glad that I have something cheerful about which to write.

My son is a joy. Soon he'll be discovering his world in brand new ways, and he'll be able to speak about it.

That's definitely worth writing about.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I've been emotionally fragile this past week, and haven't had the energy to sit down at the computer for long. I apologize if this post seems choppy.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. My grandma is in a better place now, and her death was a celebration because she is now at peace. It's still hard, don't get me wrong, but it does make it easier knowing that she's no longer suffering.

My other three grandparents all died 12-15 years ago, so it's been awhile since I'd experienced a death in the family. I'm also older and at a different place in my life. Even though I wasn't as close to this particular grandparent, her death affected me in a way that the others hadn't.

Her death was like a birth, everyone gathered around her bed, transitioning her from one world to the next. I am so grateful that I was able to say good-bye and witness some of her last moments here on earth. It really was beautiful.

The funeral was two days - one for viewing, the other for the actual service. Arista and her husband took Lucian the first day, and Nemo's mother watched Lucian the second. I was a little worried about how the second day was going to turn out, but in the end, Lucian was fine, Nemo's mother enjoyed having him, I had a free babysitter, and I feel a little stronger about leaving Lucian with Nemo's family.

During the two days, I was able to spend time with cousins that I hadn't seen in a long time. Friends and family came from great distances to be there for my family, and that's a wonderful feeling.

My family is Catholic, but my grandma didn't want a Catholic mass. We had a service at the funeral home, with a family friend officiating. It was intimate and touching. The most meaningful part for me was this book. (the verse is here) I'm going to purchase a copy for the future.

There was a bagpipe player at the grave site. They released a dove as a symbol of hope.

I learned something this past week: my grandmother wasn't a daily player in any of our lives. I said it a few weeks ago that she was missing out. As she laid on her deathbed, it was her biggest regret.

The message I took from it is that I want to make a difference in someone's life. Even my own.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


My grandma died yesterday afternoon.

I'll be gone for a few days - be back next week once the funeral is over.

Thanks to everyone for thoughts, prayers and kind comments.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Maybe today... maybe not

My grandmother is still fighting for her life. She is heavily dosed with morphine, has not eaten in days, has no kidney output, is struggling for breath, but she is still alive. To everyone's surprise.

There's been a lot of family drama in addition to the stress of her dying. I can't go into it, because it doesn't directly involve me. Suffice it to say, it's not helping matters that her death is dragging out. It's been emotional and painful for everyone involved. Six children camped out at the hospital for four nights 24/7 does not equal peace and harmony.

Two days ago, I said that I'd be surprised if she lasted another twenty-four hours. I guess I'll keep saying it until her time comes. The nurses have been saying for three days - it shouldn't be long now. So no one wants to leave her side thinking the moment could come at any time, and everyone wants to be there.

She's slipped so much that she's not aware of our presence anyway.

It's been hard to get on with other tasks of daily living. You just can't put the rest of your life on hold. Especially with a toddler running around.

Nemo has been gracious and understanding. Did I just say that??? He has surprised me a few times in the past week and I have to say that it's been a good thing. I still don't trust him, but I'm glad that he's making a small effort.

Lucian has decided that his afternoon nap is not always necessary. It's the one time of day where I can accomplish a few things, so I hope this is only temporary. He's utterly exhausted and desperately needs that nap. I desperately need his nap! Especially this week.

I've also been riding the blood sugar rollercoaster the past few days. I mistakenly skipped a dinner bolus (that of course was pizza, which is the worst) and I was high, then low, high, low, etc. I need to calm down because I know my problem is over-correction. Last night I woke up low and ate chocolate til I felt better. I hate when I do that, but my good sense is gone until my blood sugar rises again. I even bolused a bit when I regained my senses and realized how much I had eaten, but afraid of another low, I was conservative. So I woke up high again. I really need to get off this ride.

I'm going to try and relax now. Today might be the day for my grandmother. I'll need to be strong for my mother and all I'm feeling is tired and wiped out.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Saying good-bye

This morning I went to the hospital to say good-bye to my grandmother. It's the kind of thing that you know you need to do, are happy that you did it, but it's hard to go.

My Mom and her brothers and sisters were all there. They've been taking turns staying the night. They've been crying, laughing and reminiscing. It's heartwarming to see them. (and I recognized how sad I am that Lucian quite possibly won't have a brother or sister, but that's a topic for another day.)

Lucian, my Dad, and I went in to see my grandma. I don't have a babysitter, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to bring Lucian in, but there wasn't a problem.

GM looked like a ghost of her former self. She recognized us, but couldn't maintain alertness. I kissed her on the cheek and prayed that she finds her way home.

There is a certain surrealness when death is imminent. I can't explain the transition, except to say that she is neither dead nor alive. There's been talk of the funeral, with GM still breathing in the next room. But how can you not plan for something that is mere hours ahead of you?

It was almost how I felt during the final days of my pregnancy. My baby wasn't here, nor not here. Floating in between both universes. Except of course, that bringing someone into the world is a happy time, and when they leave, it's not.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Circle of life

At the hospital where both Lucian and I were born, my grandmother will draw her final breath in the next few days. The same hospital where I received my diabetes diagnosis, our infertility diagnosis, and where Lucian was conceived. Life and death, and everything in between all in one building.

My grandmother's kidneys are failing. In addition to the breast cancer that metathesized in her liver, it has now spread to her bones. Her body is shutting down. There is nothing that medical science can do for her now, besides make her more comfortable in her final days.

For her sake, I pray that my grandmother's suffering comes to an end soon.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Peace offering

Lucian and I went to Nemo's workplace today and went out to lunch with him. It was undramatic, and dare I say bland? I drove home feeling that it had been a positive experience.

Months ago, I had made the decision that I wasn't going to supply Nemo or his family with any more photos of Lucian. They were always begging me for photos. I felt like - they own a camera, have access to stores that do photo processing, and a lot more funds that I have, why can't they take their own photos? Or offer to split the cost of a photo session? I know that I was being angry, petty, and cheap by cutting off the photos. But it also drove my point home to them.

Somewhere along the way, I've realized that I'm never going to get the apologies I want and deserve. They're never going to say what I want to hear. I'm working towards forgiveness (but certainly not forgetfulness). So today in a gesture of forgiveness, I brought Nemo and his dad each a photo: Nemo one for his desk, his dad one for their house.

The picture I selected was a really good one. I'm no professional, but I love to take pictures, look at pictures, get them developed. I love the whole process. I'm nostalgic enough that I realize that you have to take the photographs to have something to look back upon later.

I've probably taken over 10,000 photos of Lucian since his birth. A lot of them he's not even looking at the camera. But I've also gotten a few good ones along the way. One of which was the one I selected for Nemo and his parents.

Nemo's dad pulled the photo out of the envelope like I had given him an explosive and by pulling it out slowly he'd be able to react before the bomb went off. Then, to my amazement, he was amazed. He must have stared at the photo for a full five minutes. It was almost awkward how he was staring at the photo. He was full of questions, he wanted to know where I took it (my parents' front porch) and the camera I used (mine, that I finagled out of the divorce).

He never actually thanked me, because I'm sure that would blow his big scary guy cover. I knew that he liked it though and was impressed by it.

Other than that, nothing actually happened. And that's just fine with me.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Know me, know my blog

Tonight I had dinner with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a few months.

She asked me how things were going with Nemo, and I filled her in, giving her just the quick edited version (because I'm really working at lowering the drama in my life, and not devoting whole evenings to talking about the craziness that surrounds me).

Anyway, at one point she turned to me and said - Stella, your life is better than a soap opera!

I looked at her quizzically, trying to read her comment to see if she was somehow aware of my blog. She wasn't.

I just laughed and replied with a twinkle in my eye - ain't that the truth!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Odds and ends

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now, so I'm going to try and give updates on a few topics.

1. Nemo
Nemo continues to surprise me. I can never seem to figure out what comes next with him. Last week, he missed a parenting time night, and then I didn't hear from him all weekend. Then on Monday, he ended up meeting my Mom, Lucian and I for dinner with the #1 engine. He didn't give me notice that he was coming, but I had previously invited him. We had a nice evening, and later e-mailed me to tell me that he had fun, and he had missed my Mom. (!!!???) He sees my Mom every time we drop Lucian off, and never even greets her.

Then, just this morning, I get an e-mail from Nemo giving me his 24 hour parenting time notice, and he tells me - by the way, you looked nice in that shirt you were wearing last night. Um, was that a compliment? He repulses me so much that it creeps me out. He's probably just trying to set me on edge.

I also found out that he gave his ex-gf (not Elvira) the ability to see some photos on-line that I had taken of Lucian at our train dinner. I removed them, because I don't like knowing that the shady people he hangs out with are looking at photos of my kid. I'm sure it's an over-reaction on my part. If he had asked me, I probably would have just said yes. If anyone knows of a good photo sharing web based program that you can limit people's rights, I'd love to know about it.

2. My grandma
I went with my Mom to visit GM this morning. She doesn't look good, and it's difficult to have a conversation with her, but my Mom said that she looked better than yesterday. They are running all sorts of tests on her to try and figure out what else is wrong with her in addition to the cancer. In my opinion, I think they should spend the time, money and effort just trying to make her comfortable because there's not really much they can do for her anyway.

3. The job hunt
I've started taking the job search a little more seriously. No luck yet, but I have sent a few resumes out. And right now, that's a big deal for me. I applied for a job that's so close to home that I could walk. It's literally at the end of my street. I think it would be a good opportunity, something I could feasibly do, good benefits, good hours, and did I mention that it's close to home? I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime I've been selling some stuff on eb*ay, which is helping me have some extra spending money.

4. Nemo's brother
A few weeks ago, I was disappointed that Nemo wasn't leaving the state. Well as luck would have it, his brother has been offered a job, and he will be leaving the state. This means lots of trips for Nemo's family to take! And even though I've lost respect for his brother, I'm happy for him too. It's a win-win for everyone!

5. Lucian goes to school
My sister is a teacher and I took Lucian to her classroom for a visit. The kids were so excited, and so was he. I was so proud of my sister - she was authoritative and kind, fun and stern. I enjoyed seeing her in action and seeing how the students reacted to her.

6. My insulin pump
I chose the Deltec Cozmo for a few reasons, one of them being I liked the clip and how it could be rotated like a cell phone. Then, my clip broke. They sent me a new one. That one broke too, and when I got the replacement, I got a leather case. It's nicer than the clip, but I don't like it. I liked the old plastic clip where I didn't have to open the case all the time. I've been dealing with the leather case for awhile now, but when I called to reorder more supplies, I asked them if I could get one of the old clips. They no longer have the old clips, so I ordered this one, which if you ask me, seems really similar to the old clip except this one costs $19.99.

I'm off for now to do some more job searching!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

A letter to all my readers

To my anonymous commenter that said:
self pity is not your friend.

I guess your mother didn't teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all. Or not to judge people.

You might have missed it, but this blog is all about me. Me, me, me and me! I've looked through my stats and I've seen that you've come back here quite a few times, you've even subscribed to my blog through bloglines. There must be a reason you're coming back, I wonder why though if you think I'm pitying myself. If you don't like what I have to say, no one's forcing you to return.

I won't feel bad about expressing my feelings honestly. In fact, I even think most of us deserve a little self pitying from time to time. Although my post wasn't about self pity. It was about how things in my life personally had changed in the last five years. I was naive to what my husband was capable of and now I'm not.

I'm not going to delete your comment. Even though you've successfully annoyed me, it's a good remember that not all people out there on the internet are thoughtful. You are why bloggers turn off anonymous comments.


To all my other readers, anonymous and known, lurkers and commenters:

Thanks for reading. Thanks for all the kind words and support, even if it's silent.

I appreciate a good discussion and dialogue, and it's okay if you don't agree with me. I like hearing dissenting opinions and like learning from others. I like diversity and coming into contact with people who not only are similar but are different than I am. The personal attacks are what I don't like.


Monday, September 11, 2006

Five years

I can't say anything about September 11, 2001 that hasn't already been said by many others. At least, not anything eloquent, meaningful or profound. And it was such a defining moment for so many that I can't even begin to go there because I don't want to diminish what happened.

So what I'm going to write about is how September 11 changed me, personally.

I was at work that morning (at the job I would later lose partially because of the events of September 11). Someone called me into a conference room where we watched the breaking news. At first, I didn't even understand.

We saw the World Trade Center towers collapse. We all shrieked in horror. Twice.

The company sent us home at noon to be with our families. I drove home taking a particular notice to my surroundings. I felt like a child who had just found out that there was no Santa Claus. I realized how naive our old world was. I knew things would be changing, but I didn't understand what the particulars would be.

Today, as I've thought back about that day five years ago, amidst the terror, the tragedy, the sadness, and the loss, all I've been able to think about is this: On that fateful day, I still had something - my husband loved me.

Now, he does not.

Talk about being naive.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Lessons from my grandmother

My grandmother is not doing well. She has cancer. It started in her breast, but has metastasized in her liver. About six months ago, she was given between six months and three years to live.

She's made six months, but I don't know how much longer she's going to be able to fight it.

I haven't been very close with my grandmother. That's not to say that I haven't wanted to be close. GM is not someone who has close relationships. It makes me sad because my other grandparents, who have been dead quite some time, were involved in my life. And this grandmother has had so many opportunities, and she's dying alone. I have tried to reach out to her, visited her, brought her meals, but it's very one sided.

GM has six children, fourteen grandchildren, and eleven great-grandchildren. I don't believe that she's even met all the great-grandchildren. It disappoints me tremendously, even more so after suffering from infertility. To have a big wonderful family and not be involved, well it saddens me. So many others would give anything to have a family like hers, and she's almost completely removed from it.

For so long, I removed myself from children and people with children. Infertility was incredibly painful that that's all I could do to save myself. I was bitter, and unpleasant to be around. It's scarred me, and still affects me, but I'm much more pleasant to be around after having Lucian in my life.

Now that I finally have a child of my own, I couldn't imagine not embracing him and his children. I don't want to miss a second of his life. My parents either. They also know what a blessing we've received in this child, that every moment counts.

GM is a nice lady. She causes no harm to others. She's not demanding or inconsiderate, she doesn't want to get in others' way. But at the same time, I've never seen her passionate about anyone or anything. She misses birthdays and skips weddings. She never asks questions about what's going on in your life.

But boy oh boy, is she missing out. And I think it's such a tragedy.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The godfather drama

I consider myself spiritual, but not overly religious. I was raised Catholic, and while I'm not attending church every Sunday or necessarily agree with all the Catholic teachings (women priests, abortion, family planning, homosexuality, etc), Catholicism is so ingrained in me that it's still my organized religion of choice.

That being said, I wanted to have Lucian baptized. Nemo agreed, although I couldn't get him to commit to anything for months.

Nemo's parents, being of the all-talk-and-no-action sector of Catholicism, started pressuring Nemo to have Lucian baptized.

As an aside note, after Lucian was born and I was in my drugged up with magnesium bliss due to the pre-eclampsia, my Mom was so worried about the state of my marriage and what would become of Lucian (she saw him as being in the crossfire), that my Mom baptized Lucian herself. Technically a baptism can be done by anyone. Usually though, the only reason you wouldn't have it done a bit later is if the child is in physical danger. Later, the priest asked me if Lucian had been previously baptized (guess the Catholics don't want to accept you if you're already spoken for) and I said, yes, by my Mom at the hospital. I couldn't believe it, because the priest nearly turned me away. I explained the whole Nemo situation, and he relented.

So back to my original story. Nemo's parents pressure Nemo. Nemo pressures me. We couldn't agree to who should be Lucian's godfather. Nemo and I had an unspoken agreement that my sister would be the godmother. Nemo in return wanted his brother to be the godfather.

I had a huge issue with this, as Nemo's brother not only knew about Nemo's relationship with Elvira, but had supported it. Very openly. While I was home gestating, Nemo was cheating on me with the str*pper, and his brother was part of the party. (Because really, who is more fun? A huge pregnant woman or a str*ipper who supplies you with drugs?)

Nemo and I got into many screaming matches. He just couldn't understand why his brother wasn't good enough. I explained to him that I wanted Lucian's godfather to be someone Lucian could look up to, someone who could possibly help him through a spiritual crisis.

I don't particularly care for Nemo's brother - he's immature and sneaky. He hasn't spoken a word to me or looked me in the eye in over a year and a half now, since I confronted him about knowing Elvira. Why would I choose someone for my son to look up to who doesn't repect me?

I gave Nemo a few suggestions on men I would agree to. Nemo was set on the fact that it had to be someone from his family. So I gave him three choices, two of them his family members and one was Arista's husband. He agreed to his cousin's husband. Then I planned the baptism.

I thought the drama was over with until one day I dropped Lucian off at Nemo's parents' house. Nemo and his dad were at work. Nemo's mother, Cruella, was there alone. Apparently she had just learned about our godfather choice and she was mad that we hadn't chosen Nemo's brother. I explained that we thought that CH (cousin's husband) was the best choice.

She blew up at me. Got in my face and started screaming at me - how could I do this to her family? (uh, CH is part of your family) what is wrong with her son? he deserves to be the godfather, he's Lucian's uncle! he's Lucian's blood! (little did she know that none of them were blood) and on and on and on... This was in my pre-therapy days. I've since learned to stand up for myself and not let my mothering be undermined. That day, though, we had a fifteen minute screaming session that ended with me leaving in tears. Still, I couldn't back down.

It was so absurd. I've since taken note when I attend baptisms and find out who the godparents are. I've never seen any other grandparent have an issue with who the parents chose. It's still unbelievable to me that Cruella thought she was within her jurisdiction to dictate who we should choose.

As it turned out, CH has been a good choice. He wrote Lucian a beautiful note on his baptism day. He also gave generously and thoughtfully. He has taken an interest in Lucian's life, and makes an effort to give him little gifts. (not that I ever get them. Nemo keeps them all at his parents' house) But still, it's the thought that counts.

My sister couldn't make the baptism. She had had a vacation planned for months, and since I waited until Lucian was almost six months old to have him baptized, he was already the oldest baby and I didn't want to prolong it another month. Plus, I wanted to solidify the godfather choice.

My friend Arista stepped in as the proxy godmother. It was awesome because now Lucian has two godmothers, two very special women who care about him completely.

And one godfather, who wasn't my first choice, but fits the bill nicely.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I'm feeling better today. I started taking the new medication this morning, and although the doctor told me it would start working immediately (not like the anti-depressants I take that take weeks and months), I was doubtful. But surprisingly, something in me feels different. In a good way.

And while I still realize that nothing has changed since yesterday, I feel hopeful. Not hopeful in that I'm expecting great things to happen. Just a switch from feeling hopeless and indifferent to maybe things could be better.


Nemo came over to see Lucian again this morning. I hate myself for saying this, but I always was and still am a reactor to his moods. So when his mood is good, I'm good. When he stirs up trouble, I feel awful. I HATE that. And I'm trying to work on changing it.

We had a nice visit. Went for a walk and played with Lucian's toys. It's been good for me to watch their interaction. No drama, just a play date. I'm filled with relief.

There's a church sign I recently saw that said something like - blessings can't be received with a closed fist. It was one of those things that haunted me every time I'd drive by when I was clenching the steering wheel. Today I realized that through the miracle of prescription drugs, my hand was open. Ready to receive blessings.


Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Battling obsessions

I've been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half. In January, I added a psychiatrist to the mix when I just couldn't handle things on my own anymore. Since then, I've been on medication for both depression and anxiety, which has helped me immensely.

In the past couple of months however, I've noticed some other things. I'm not sure if it's having a mental health team working with me that has brought these things to light, if I've just started developing symptoms, or maybe I'm just going crazy in my old age. One way or another, I seem to be alot more obsessive compulsive than I was previously.

My therapist (who I adore, by the way) thinks that my obsessive qualities stem from diabetes. Always having to be prepared, that kind of thing. My psychiatrist believes that obsessive compulsive traits are genetic. My feeling is that my life situation has triggered my obsessions, which maybe I was able to deal with easier before, when my life was a little less problem-free.

You wouldn't know by looking at me that anything was wrong. (and I'm probably generalizing or stereo-typing here) You wouldn't know I was a diabetic either, so there you go. I'm not at the end of the obsession spectrum, definitely more towards the middle. I do have routines and rituals but they're not obvious. For example, I'm not washing my hands hundreds of times a day. Now that's a big stereotype.

What I do is get something stuck in my head and can't let it go. And it's not usually of the good variety, like something positive. I get stuck on things like Nemo winning custody of Lucian, blowing it all out of proportion until I'm sick with anxiety. Mostly this happens to me at night.

I'm a very logical person. I live in the world of rationality. One of the hardest things for me is that I know alot of my feelings are irrational. I'm completely aware of it, yet I can't help being taken over by them at times.

Last week my therapist wanted to me to recognize that I'm being obsessive. To think about how different things would have been if I hadn't obsessed, just let life happen. Dare I even go there?

This week my psychiatrist agreed. She suggested I read some books, but forgot to give me suggestions. Anyone have any? We changed and added some medication. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it helps.

Because right now, I feel like I can't help myself.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Another post where I'm whining about my life

My parents are gone many weekends. My Mom is an artist who sells her wares at local art fairs. My Dad helps her out. Although they return in the evening, they can be gone anywhere from twelve to sixteen hours a day during these particular weekends.

I need a break from my parents, so these weekends are refreshing in the fact that I have the whole house to myself and Lucian and I are just able to hang out by ourselves. (Let me just say here that my parents are both wonderful, tolerant people who rarely get on my nerves. And I believe that the reverse is also true - for the most part, they enjoy having me around.)

It's been a long, long weekend for me - I haven't left the house in many days due to Lucian's illness. He's feeling better, but he's (probably) still contagious, so I won't be taking him out for a few more days yet. So here I was today, home alone with Lucian. We played with what seemed like every toy in the house. We're both stir crazy after so many days cooped up in the house. We watched all his train videos for the 4,849,305th time.

The only break in my day was when Nemo stopped over. Because of the holiday, we negotiated a different time, so that I could get Lucian to bed early. And because of Lucian's illness, Nemo agreed to come over to see us. Basically the only difference was that he watched the train videos with us and we (Lucian and I both) showed him that we know the names of all the different trains. (Even the ones like Mavis and Diesel, who look alot alike. Go ahead, quiz me.) All in all, it was a pleasant visit.

Nemo left, and I put Lucian down for his nap. I've been carrying around loneliness since. I'm not sure what spurred it on. Maybe it's just a general feeling I've had lately. That I'm utterly alone in the universe. And I know that's not true - I have lots of friends and family around.

I'm not ready for the dating scene. I'm not ready to go through all the trouble of finding someone I'm compatible with. It sounds like a completely overwhelming task to me. And yet, I'm not sure what the alternative is. Be alone forever?

I'm just in a sad, lonely mood right now. I'm anxious and restless.

My parents will be home soon, so I'll have some adults to talk to.

I feel like I'm whining alot lately. I'm hoping to snap out of it soon. I'm visiting my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe she can help.

Saturday, September 02, 2006


My life consists of so many things that keep me occupied that I rarely sit down and think about being diabetic. I breeze through the day with blood tests, boluses of insulin, watching the clock, changing my site, getting a comfortable sleep position, trying not to let either of my cats catch a glimpse of my tubing, etc etc that most days I'm on auto-pilot. My diabetes runs itself.

Sometimes, I'll test my blood to find only a few minutes later to not have a clue what it was. A high I would have recognized and taken action. (or a low for that matter, but I'm pretty good about feeling those) If I'm in target, I see the number and forget it.

There are still days where things go haywire. I'm having a pretty good run right now of good days. When I have a high, it's usually because I didn't carb count correctly. I correct it, and move on. My basal rates seem to be working well, and I'm not having any severe lows or outrageous highs.

I remember a time when I thought of nothing else besides diabetes. I wasn't thinking of diabetes itself, or what kind of long term complications I could develop. Rather, I was so aware of being different. I was pretty open about telling friends and teachers, because I felt it was necessary should something happen to me. But at the same time, I realized that once I told people, it separated me. It made me into someone who was carrying a lot more baggage. People were always amazed that I was able to deal with the pressures of diabetes (all those shots!), school (I was an honor roll student), and life in general. I just figured what choice was there? Not take the shots? But I always felt different than everyone else. High school and college were hard - I was a self imposed nerd due to the inflexibility I felt I had. (those were the days before the DCCT and MDI even.)

When I started using the pump, I got my life back. It sounds crazy for me to even say it, because how much changed? Mostly it was just my attitude. I got to a place in my life where I was able to accept my diabetes wholeheartedly. I've been able to shrink it down to a manageable level, and I'm better because of it.

I'm not without scars though. Diabetes has altered my life's course. I like to think that it's mostly for the good, but I know better.

I've climbed up the mountain rather than going around it. And it only took me two decades! Either way, I got through it.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Some things never change

Since Lucian's been sick, Nemo has called me several times over the past couple of days to inquire on how he's doing. He has seemed very concerned. Yesterday Nemo said that if Lucian wasn't better (and this illness has a pretty long tail for contagiousness) that he would like to come over and see Lucian at my parents' house.

Nemo has been showing more interest in Lucian lately. I've complained about it before. I still don't understand why now. I'm trying not to over analyze it, because it's driving me crazy. I mostly think that Nemo has had to have some accountability to his parents, and that's his motivator.

Anyway, back to the current events. Today Lucian was feeling slightly better. He's at the stage of the illness where you're not completely better but you don't want to lay around either. So he was extremely fussy, not eating well, and just generally not the most charming of children today. (We watched train videos all. day. long.)

I e-mailed Nemo and to confirm with him to come over because Lucian wasn't up to going over to see him. I didn't hear back from him until almost dinner time, when he called and said he was still at work. He said that he had to stay until 6:30 (he usually leaves at 4:30) and what time was Lucian going to bed? He knows that we have a routine, that I get Lucian to bed at 7:00 nearly every night. And still he asks.

I'm trying hard to make Nemo insignificant in my life because I give him too much of my power. I generally plan my day around the fact if we have a visit or not. It's stupid, I know. It makes me feel like if I'm prepared for the situation that I'm in more control over it. I feel so out of control. I'm not sure that my preparedness really helps. (hello my old friend - the link between diabetes and preparedness) I know that my obsessing doesn't help, and I haven't been able to stop that either.

What I believe happened was that Nemo saw an easy way out. A way for him to have a night off from babysitting Lucian and having dinner with his parents.

I'm so confused and unfocused on the situation that I can't seem to understand it. It baffles me.

I guess the bottom line is that I didn't have to see Nemo today. Lucian got to bed early (6:30! because he was a mess tonight) and I got a few extra hours to myself. Whatever am I complaining about?

I'm going to go to bed and try and forget about this. I can't seem to get a good grasp on it awake. Maybe my subconscious can work it out.