Friday, July 18, 2008

A couple of updates

It's been awhile since I've talked about Nemo, and it's been on purpose because I don't want to make my life about him. I feel like enough has been said and what more is there for me to say?

But I'd still like to give an update once in awhile. For those of you bored enough and brave enough to have read my blog from the beginning, I feel you deserve to know how the story continues to play out.

So here goes.

In a strange twist of fate, Nemo has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I knew it was coming late last year when he had blood taken and a doctor had told him that his blood sugar was in the high 200's. I'm not sure what the current diagnosis number is, but I was surprised when nothing became of that blood test. Months later, I was the only one not surprised by his diagnosis.

He's taken the whole thing quite well. He's made diet changes (lost 25 pounds) and he's on pills. His doctor (who also happens to be my doctor) said that if he were to lose more weight, he could probably come off the pills. We've talked a little about it, and I'd like to think that my influence has affected him in a positive way.

In general, things with Nemo have been stable. His parenting time seems to be good for both him and Lucian. Nemo has cancelled a few times, but it's definitely been more reasonable than in the past.

Probably the biggest change is that I've let Nemo start driving Lucian. I was very reluctant. Very, very reluctant. In Lucian's whole life, Nemo had driven him only 3 times: when he picked us up from the hospital, his 5 day old doctor appointment, and once to Nemo's parents' house. All of those times I was in the car. All of those dates were in December, 2004.

I'm honestly not sure if I'll ever completely trust Nemo again. Every time good things happen, there's still a voice in the back of my head that reminds me of some of the things he's done in the past. A lot of times, it still hurts me deep in the gut. If I could have, I'd never have allowed parenting time to happen at all, and for the most part, over time, the situation has been fine.

I still didn't really want Nemo to drive. I was terrified and panicked. Nemo accused me of being overprotective and having control issues. (Hello!! Just where do you think those control issues came from, buddy?) In the end, after much deliberation and reluctance, I decided it was time to let go. It was really hard. Having to put trust in someone that you have doubts about. And trusting him with the most important thing in the world to me.

But it went okay. Nemo now picks up Lucian twice a week for a couple of hours. Mostly they still go to Nemo's parents' house (where I had been dropping Lucian off).

[A side note: One of these parenting time nights I went shopping with my Mom and on the way back, Nemo was in front of us at the traffic light. It was about 15 minutes before Nemo and Lucian were due back and we were about 5 minutes from home. He didn't see us, and turned into another subdivision near our house to stall. I was happy that he's trying hard to be on time, and he's taking it seriously by leaving early. I didn't tell him that we had seen him, but it meant alot to me.]

Anyway, there are some benefits for me. The biggest being that a big portion of what was scaring me is no longer there. (fear of fear itself kind of thing) I know I did the right thing for 3.5 years, and I feel that the timing was only right at this point now. I also spend less time in the car, less on gas (yeah!!) and less on food (since I always needed to eat out.)

My relationship with Nemo is good. I feel like he's an old friend, and we're able to joke around and have a good time when we're together (with Lucian, obviously). For my own sake, it's good. (God, how many times can I use the word good?) But more importantly, for Lucian's sake, he's seeing Nemo and I getting along, having meals together, parenting together, and Lucian's learning all sorts of things about family, love, and forgiveness that he won't be able to articulate for years to come.

For that, I am grateful.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

System restore point

I've been having computer problems lately. I can't seem to figure out what's wrong, and I dread having to put time into researching what the problem is and how to fix it. I also don't want to have to find someone and pay them to fix it. Not to mention time without my computer. How would I survive? Just joking, but I've gotten awfully reliant upon the instant gratification of e-mail and internet.

So basically what I've been doing when the whole thing crashes, is I start it in safe mode and try to repair the problem (which somehow it knows how to do?) Sometimes that works. Other times, I do a system restore, where you can choose (or it chooses) a point where things were working fine and starts you back at that point. For the moment, that seems to work.

Maybe you understand all that, perhaps better than I do. But I was trying to explain to my Mom how it works (not very well, but the key word is trying). When it suddenly dawned on me, what if you could go back and choose a point before your life went astray?

I wonder if I would go back to when I was pregnant, right about to give birth, bearing the weight of my marriage, would I gather up my friends and family and have support that would have made things easier?

I wonder if I would go back to 2001 before I lost my job? Or right afterwards? When I might have made different choices about a career or education?

I wonder if I would go back to early 2001 before Nemo and I found out that we were going to have fertility problems? (this was a particularly good time of our marriage)

I wonder if I would go back to the night of my rehearsal dinner? Would I call the whole thing off?

I wonder if I would go back to before I even met Nemo.

I wonder if I would go back to my pre-diabetes innocent self?

And yet, all these events have made me the person I am. Even more importantly are the recent events that have made Lucian who he is, and I wouldn't change him for the world. It's interesting to think about though.

Where is your system restore point?