It's an extremely slow process, but I'm making small strides in my life. I'm pleased to be able to report that after 3.5 years of staring at it on the shelf, I was finally able to undertake the task of updating Lucian's baby book.
I feel ridiculous saying that this was a monumental task for me. I mean, writing in a baby book? It's so silly. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Along the way, I had been jotting down notes: first tooth, first word, first step, etc. So all it took was for me to fill it all in.
Every time I tried to write things in, I'd feel such incredible anger about Lucian's first weeks and months where I was alone. When I'd think about what I wanted to say, it felt like everything I wanted to say was either a 'poor me' statement or filled with sarcasm.
Someday, I want Lucian to know the story surrounding his birth and the early stages of his life. But I want the story to be told factually, not with anger or bitterness. He'll be able to figure that out for himself.
So there I sat for 3 hours, writing and filling in the blanks in his book. Writing the facts and having it be about Lucian, and not about how my life didn't go as I planned. It's not done yet, but now it's not empty either.