Monday, December 31, 2007

He'll melt your heart too

Last night, I put Lucian to bed around 8:00. I had the monitor on and all was quiet for 45 minutes. Then out of the blue I heard him announce - I love you Momma!

He called out 3 or 4 times. So I went into his room and he asked me to pick him up, so I did. He hugged me tightly, and quietly whispered - I love you forever and ever.

I love you forever and ever too, my little man.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Breaking tradition

2001 - Six years ago tonight, I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and cried myself to sleep. (cried about infertility insensitivity's of others)

2003 - Four years ago tonight, I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and cried myself to sleep. (cried about the babies that I did not have)

2004 - Three years ago tonight, Lucian and I went to the Nemo family Christmas Eve party, came home, and both cried ourselves to sleep. (I cried about my husband being MIA, although he was at the party, and the fact that I couldn't get him to commit to attending my family Christmas. Lucian cried because he was less than 4 weeks old and colicky.)

Do you see a pattern here?

I was not invited to the Christmas party in 2005, and in 2006 I invited myself, but was sick with bronchitis. I also invited myself this year.

Before Lucian and I left tonight, I was having a small anxiety attack. That's what going into hostile territory tends to do to me. :-)

Everything went fine. Even though the whole time I was counting the minutes until we could leave, it was bearable. Thankfully there was no drama this year, and my inner peace (and one nice anti-anxiety pill) kept me in control.

So in breaking tradition, I'm happy to report that Christmas Eve 2007, I went to the Nemo family Christmas party, came home, put my son to bed, and fell asleep with no tears.

note: just in case you were wondering what happened to Christmas Eve 2002, we were at Nemo's family house in Europe. We flew in that day, and my internal clock was so messed up that I was up until 4 am. I didn't cry that year, but since I had had my first IVF fail 2 weeks before, I was pretty dried up.

Giving peace a chance

I recently attended the 2nd wedding of a friend. (A year ago, I was surprised to hear that she was seriously dating less than three months after her husband filed for divorce, and long before it was final.) She's happy, so I'm happy for her.

It was a fun wedding and even though I'm not feeling particularly good about my body image lately, I got lots of comments on my new short hair (that my Mom cut!! shhhh!) and my new glasses that were a big step for me in a much edgier direction (and I love the change!) I wore a maternity outfit (see that's how big I've gotten!) and I got compliments on it too. I got hit on by a 26 year old so all in all it was a good night.

But it got me thinking about if I were to ever get married again. And while I don't feel much more datable than I did a year ago, I've come far in many other ways. For one, my relationship with Nemo. My friend's ex-husband was understandably absent, but I realized that if it had been my wedding, I'd have invited Nemo. I haven't forgiven him completely, but nearly. We have dinner together (with Lucian and my family) at least once a week. We're nowhere near being best friends, but I'm content with our interactions. And even though I still have anxiety about the future, it no longer consumes me.

I left the wedding feeling good about the path that I've chosen. I'm so glad that I've been working towards forgiveness. I don't regret a single moment where I've put my son first. I'm still not ready to start dating, but I feel hopeful that life is going to work out the way that it should.

Moment by moment, I'm happy. It's when I think of the past or the future that I get anxious. (I try to stay in the present as much as possible.) Leaving this wedding, the strangest sensation came over me: I saw a glimmer of peace waiting for me down the road. I've tried to remain hopeful throughout the past three years but I haven't succeeded nearly as much with hopefulness as I have with forgiveness.

Until now, and it feels pretty darn good.

Saturday, December 15, 2007


I'm the worst blogger ever. I have every intention of writing every day, and I have a few half-posts saved that I just didn't like enough to finish, let alone actually publish. Every day I have a moment of - I should blog about _____. So many thoughts, so little time, too little energy.

Because I'd really like to post this rather than have it sit as a draft, here's a quick summary.

1. Lucian just celebrated his 3rd birthday. I could start a complete blog just about him and all the charming and wonderful things he does. He also challenges me constantly, and at the end of the day, I'm worn out.

2. I have a new "niece" courtesy of my friend Arista. I am enjoying this baby as I have no other. Before Lucian, I was depressed about babies. With Lucian, I enjoyed every moment, but I was also going through other emotional issues (to say the least!) And now, I'm at a place where I'm comfortable around babies, and able to love like I wasn't before. I still take pregnancy news hard. Maybe that will always be hard for me. But I've come so far.

3. My on-line e bay business is going well. Not enough yet to continue doing it for years, but enough for the time being. I believe if I had the right product, I could sell it. Right now it's perfect because it allows me to have a flexible schedule, even if it's unpredictable and exhausting.

4. Nemo has had some serious health problems lately. Serious enough that he was in the hospital for Thanksgiving, which resulted in Lucian and I staying home and having pizza for dinner. It was really one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever. I am worried about Nemo. I don't want to sound hard. I know it sounds terrible that I had a great Thanksgiving while Nemo was in the hospital. I feel bad even writing it.

5. I've gained weight in the past 6 months, my blood sugars are bordering on fair to poor and I feel pretty blah about myself. My mental health has been stable at a place that I feel good about.

So that's it in a nutshell. Nothing exciting, but I'm okay with that. I'll be back later with more. Promise!