The line between biological and adopted children

For me, there was never a difference between the way I saw biological children versus the way I saw adopted children. Both ways make a family. I never really gave it a second thought until recently.

I have a very close friend who has two children. They just happen to be adopted. Those kids are the children she was meant to have. I never refer to them as adopted, just as "my friend's kids". It's a non-issue for me.

Then we chose to use donor sperm. Still no issue for me. The baby we would have would be both of ours. Loved equally by us and our families. It would just so happen that he/she would be half adopted. I was okay with that, and I still am.

Then my husband left me. Abandoned me during my pregnancy, never was there after Lucian was born either, etc etc... He never bonded with Lucian. Nemo has shown a bit more interest lately (about three weeks), but since Elvira, the str*ipper girlfriend is suddenly out of the picture, he has a bit more time on his hands.

I believe that if Lucian had been the biological child of Nemo, things would have been different. Maybe not. But I really think that Nemo might have been more involved, cared a bit more, and been a bit kinder. In his head, he would have thought "my child", not "her child".

It took me many months after Lucian's birth, but I now see Lucian as my child only. I feel bad that I feel this way, like I am not doing right by all adopted kids. But I can't help it. I feel that Nemo is not his father. And really, before I beat myself up too bad, it's not just the biology, it's the fact that Nemo never treated Lucian like he was his.

So I have a hard time. How do I trust my ex-husband, who is not my baby's biological father, with who I see as my child? A real father, biological or not, does not treat the mother or the baby the way that we've been treated.

How do I trust someone, who has not had an interest, who has admitted to drug use, who suggested suicide, with my baby that I fought long and hard for? This man is a stranger to both of us.