Thursday, December 04, 2008

Healing

It's an extremely slow process, but I'm making small strides in my life. I'm pleased to be able to report that after 3.5 years of staring at it on the shelf, I was finally able to undertake the task of updating Lucian's baby book.

I feel ridiculous saying that this was a monumental task for me. I mean, writing in a baby book? It's so silly. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Along the way, I had been jotting down notes: first tooth, first word, first step, etc. So all it took was for me to fill it all in.

Every time I tried to write things in, I'd feel such incredible anger about Lucian's first weeks and months where I was alone. When I'd think about what I wanted to say, it felt like everything I wanted to say was either a 'poor me' statement or filled with sarcasm.

Someday, I want Lucian to know the story surrounding his birth and the early stages of his life. But I want the story to be told factually, not with anger or bitterness. He'll be able to figure that out for himself.

So there I sat for 3 hours, writing and filling in the blanks in his book. Writing the facts and having it be about Lucian, and not about how my life didn't go as I planned. It's not done yet, but now it's not empty either.

Small strides.

3 comments:

helan said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Barbara

http://www.ipodepot.info

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EMR said...

Maybe we can not do much but just extend the shoulder of understanding and kind support that you gear up and fight the hard days and surely there be better blooms in your garden soon.the ill health takes a turn from the positive to negative and vice versa...have to deal with it.