Alone before the baby

The week that Nemo went to the psychiatrist and admitted to me that he had used drugs, he stopped coming home at night altogether. The next week, I had a meltdown.

Nemo was home for a bit on Saturday (to take a shower, check his mail, etc) and I told him that my car needed to be looked at. One of the warning lights was on. He said that he would look at it on Sunday, and left.

On Sunday, I waited for him. I called him a few times, but he didn't answer. I finally went out with a friend shopping, hoping that he'd be home when I returned. He wasn't.

At 7:00 pm, I started calling his friends and family. No one knew where he was, or had heard from him. They all sounded like they were telling the truth. At the time, I remember thinking - he can't still be with Elvira, because they would know about it.

One of Nemo's friends had a long conversation with me. He was divorced, his wife had cheated on him. He couldn't reach Nemo either. I was sobbing and hyperventilating on the phone with him. I was out of control. He suggested we meet for lunch the next day. I was so desperate, I agreed.

I cried for nearly an hour that night. Hard, sobbing, like someone had died. I think it hit me that our marriage was dead. You can't hold a marriage up by yourself, and by God, I tried. For a very long time. And I couldn't do it any longer.

Nemo called me the next morning from work as I was on my way for an ultrasound. (I was having weekly ultrasounds by this point in the pregnancy.) He said that he needed to get away so he went to his parents' cottage. He said that he went by himself and that he didn't answer the phone because he wanted to be left alone. Of course, in my heart I knew that he didn't go alone. I knew that he was lying. I even called him out on it. But I was also desperately trying to hang on to him. I thought he was mentally ill and needed my help. I truly loved him.

I met his friend for lunch. Really, he didn't provide me with any information that I didn't know already. His advice was to "stand by my man" and that Nemo would come back to me, and to tell my family because I was going to need their help once the baby came. I took the second part seriously and that's when I told my Mom and Dad, who were a huge help to me.

Nemo didn't spend a night in our house from Halloween until one random night in December where he passed out and I didn't wake him. The entire time I thought - I could go into labor now. Or now. Or now. And I'd have had no idea where my husband was, or how to get ahold of him (since he never answered his cell phone when I called.)

I'm really trying not to feel sorry for that person that was me. But I can't help it. I feel so sad for her.