Driving

There's a couple of key pieces of information that I haven't gotten around to writing about. Actually, truthfully, it's hard for me to even think about, let alone type it out and see it in written form. I'm going to do it, it just might take me some time. I've felt empowered by this blog. By telling my story and releasing it to the universe.

So here goes. It's not the juiciest part of the story, but it involves Lucian, so it's hard for me.

I made the phone call to my lawyer to start the divorce proceedings because of a phone call I received from Nemo.

Lucian was about eight weeks old. We were in his room. I folded laundry while he was entranced with a music box. The phone rang. At this point, Nemo had been showing up randomly, intermittently maybe twice a week, and almost never on a weekend. I was still in doubt about his whereabouts and I had convinced myself that he was not seeing Elvira. I still thought he was taking the anti-depressants.

It was 11:00 on a Friday morning. He was calling to tell me that he was going to his family's cottage for the weekend. I was surprised by the information, as like I said, he hadn't been telling me much of anything in months. It was a quick conversation and before I hung up I told him to have a safe trip. (and I really meant it) He then said (and I'll never forget it) that wouldn't it be better for everyone if he drove his car off the side of the road?

I replied that of course it wouldn't be better. We talked for a bit longer. I was really worried about him. Not just because of that conversation, but also in the way he had been acting for the last ten months (coincentally I would find out later the same ten months that he had been with Elvira). He seemed really defeated, and I felt sorry for him.

I then called my lawyer because I realized that I couldn't have Lucian in the car when Nemo was driving. Not that Nemo had been around to drive us anywhere anyway.

My lawyer started the proceedings. It took all of my courage to tell her to start. I still don't know how I did it. It was because I was looking at my baby and I knew that I couldn't have him be in the presence of someone like the person Nemo had turned into.

I still to this day have not let Nemo drive Lucian. I still don't trust him either. Obviously, Nemo's still alive. The thing that worries me the most, is that Nemo continues to deny the fact that he had suicidal ideation and that he used/uses drugs. I can't let my son be in that environment alone.

So it's up to me to take Lucian for all of the parenting time. It's a huge burden upon me. Alot of times I feel like a taxi driver. If I thought that Lucian were benefitting from this relationship with a drug using, sociopathic liar, I'd drive him across the state. But Nemo's got serious issues with lying, and he's just charming and suave enough to convince others that he's being truthful. Hell, I believed him for a long time myself.

I'm sure there are many people (in my life and whoever might be reading this) who might not agree with my decision not to let Nemo drive. I feel that I've done the right thing and I won't let anyone convince me otherwise. I've had to point out to others some of the choices they've made for their own children that others don't agree with.

As a mother, you have to do what you think is best. I will fight til the end for Lucian, for his childhood, for his innocence. Until then, I'm doing all the driving.