Mommy guilt

I struggle with Mommy guilt. I'm sure it stems from my Catholic upbringing, perhaps even my parents' Catholic upbringing. I respond well to guilt.

I'm basically both mother and father to Lucian. I respond to his every need. I'm the one who's been there for everything. I've gotten him on a good schedule. I do all the (minor) disciplining. I not only enjoy it, but I feel obligated to do it. I enjoy the obligation, if you will.

My therapist wants me to get out a bit more. Go out with friends. Go shopping by myself. Find some interests that aren't kid or divorce related. Just do something.

It's been hard. Harder than I ever imagined. And most of the time, Lucian is napping or down for the night when I leave, so it's not like I'm missing very many of his awake hours.

I have a good time out with friends, or myself. I don't feel guilty about that. I feel guilty for missing a part of my son's life. I realize that I can't be there for every moment for the rest of his life. Someday he'll be in school, and I'm okay with that. I really just wanted to be with him during the early years. And for the most part, I've been able to accomplish that.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't. There's so many good reasons why I deserve a break too. I feel like it took me so much time, so much money, so much effort to have this baby and I really just don't want to miss a moment of it.

Maybe I just need him to enter the terrible two's and I'll want to pawn him off onto someone else. He's pretty darn cute when he cries though.