Saturday, May 20, 2006


I was scared the whole time I was pregnant. For many reasons (including being at home most nights alone) but I was scared what the baby was going to be like.

I had nothing concrete on the father of my baby. We chose the donor based upon blood type and ancestry. I've never seen a photo of him. I don't know his value system. I know that he's tall, good looking, and healthy. I now know that he gave me a beautiful child. But then, I didn't.

I knew that I would never reject any child, but I was still uncertain exactly what I was in for. Who would he look like? What genetic factors would be out of my control? Would he look like a troll, or have two heads? My mind escalated with possibilities.

Lucian was extremely active in utero. He kicked and moved around the clock. Even the doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, etc would comment how active he was. I'd entertain myself for hours just watching my stomach roll and lurch. But I couldn't help but think, who is this child living inside of me?

It didn't help that Nemo was mostly out of the picture, and when he was around, didn't want to speak about it. I think it pained him. So I kept my feelings to myself, because I had no one else to confide in. I was petrified.

After he was born, it took me all of ten seconds to fall in love with Lucian. In one breath, all my fears subsided. He was perfect in every way. He still is.

I wish I had had more faith. Next time I will.


Meri-ann said...

I just have to tell you how brave and amazing I think you are, you have been through so very much and I admire your resilience. I have added your link to my blogroll, I hope you don't mind but I think you are a fabulous inspiration and I want to keep an eye on you!!

stella said...

Thank you, Meri-Ann, your words are so kind. I checked out your blog and you've been through lots too. I'll keep tabs on you too! (have no idea how to do the blogroll thing...)