Tools

Diabetes is probably what's going to kill me. After two decades of dealing with it, I've pretty much accepted it. Diabetes though, is a disease that can be controlled. Not easily, not pretty, but it's not necessarily a death sentence. But, if you live with it long enough, chances are the complications will get you.

I felt guilty for years and years. Every thing I ate, I felt bad about. Every blood test I skipped, every shot I missed (most were accidental), every doctor appointment filled me with dread.

Then I started using the (insulin) pump. The day after I started, I felt freedom for the first time. I've not only achieved much better results, but the emotional difference was life changing. Short of a cure, nothing is better. It's the best decision I've ever made about my health. Even with the inconveniences, I love love love it. It makes me feel like a normal person. Most days I run on autopilot - my diabetes management runs itself. It's wonderful.

So I've been thinking lately how my experiences with diabetes have prepared me for the challenges I currently face. For so long, diabetes was front and center, eating me alive, taking control over my life. I don't think I fully lived until I got my pump. I was reborn that day.

I'm hoping that I find some tool, if you will, that will help me achieve control over my current situation. Right now, the only thing that's keeping me feeling not completely claustrophobic is that Lucian will grow up. One way or another, he will eventually turn eighteen and be in control over his own life. I won't have to worry about Nemo then, corrupting my baby. I won't be obligated to give Nemo so many evenings per week. I can't wait for that day. (at the same time, I'm trying not to wish time away, trying to enjoy every moment of Lucian's life)

In the meantime, I'm just trying to cope. Waiting for the day when I can relax a bit. When I can shift into autopilot and know that it will all be okay.