Jealousy

I hate being envious. I try to squash jealous feelings when they surface. Alot of times I have to consciously turn the other cheek, and I think others think I'm being rude. But it's sometimes the only thing I can do to maintain my sanity.

The first major jealous feelings I had were after I was diagnosed with diabetes. I was a child on a schedule and a diet. I'd watch others get to eat whatever they wanted. And really, it wasn't the food that I envied most. It was their freedom, their careless eating habits. I'd be green with envy and I'd pretend I wasn't. One time a teacher brought in donuts for the entire class. She made a big issue in front of everyone and presented me with an apple. I held in my tears, and after class I went to the bathroom and cried. The teacher was trying to be concerned and thoughtful. But publicly pointing out someone's inadequacies hurts (even ones I had no control over).

Jealousy is UGLY. It changes relationships. It eats at you. Life isn't fair and I'm certainly not promoting a socialistic society by any means. I really want the whole world to be happy - I'm not wishing anything bad to come to anyone. But knowing that you can't obtain something that you want, well it's just so painful.

Then came along infertility. As the years went by, my heart longed even more for a child. I suppose I fell victim to the idea of having a perfect family. I was envious of everyone who could easily have kids. It cut me as deep as that teacher bringing me the apple.

I shouldn't use the past tense. I'm still envious of people who are in control of their fertility. Maybe even more now. I'm jealous of women who can have any number of kids they choose. I'm jealous of women who have husbands around. Even more, I'm jealous of women whose husbands are wonderful. Some of them don't even know how amazing their husbands are.

I watch couples and families out in public. I know that not every relationship is perfect and that by witnessing a few minutes of interaction doesn't mean that that's what's really happening under the surface at home. But I watch these people and I wonder how they stay together. I wonder how the wife got someone so great. I wonder how I chose so wrong. I wonder if they know how lucky they are.

I turn my cheek and try not to think about it. I have the baby I dreamed of. We're just not the family I dreamed of.