Working through the affair

I have the highest amount of respect for women who stay with their husbands after he's cheated (or vice versa). When I first learned of Nemo's affair, I considered staying too.

One of my initial reactions was that having the truth out in the open meant that we could deal with it. I thought that maybe we could get some professional help. I thought that our marriage was worth fighting for.

Pregnancy clouded my judgment. Looking back, I'd like to hit my October 2004 self over the head with a brick. That girl felt that nothing was going to ruin her happy ending. She thought that things could be fixed. She lived in a dream world.

What ended up happening was that I put the affair on the back burner because the baby was coming. The pan was boiling over on the stove, but I refused to see it. I had visions of marriage counseling, of Nemo and I being able to work things out.

I wrote him a list of my demands. It wasn't until after Lucian was born that I realized that he wasn't adhering to a single one of them, and had no intention of doing things like coming home directly after work, answering the phone when I called, or changing his cell phone number. I took our marriage seriously. He wanted to have his wife on paper, and his floozy on the side.

I once heard that Bill and Hillary Clinton went to daily marriage counseling when they were in the middle of his infidelity. At the time, I couldn't understand how she stayed with him. I realized though, when I went through a similar situation, that the difference was that her husband was willing to fight for their marriage. He made a huge mistake, admitted to it, and was willing to earn her trust back by jumping through all the hoops she needed.

In contrast, my husband made a huge mistake, denied it, admitted it, denied it, kept making the huge mistake, and made me feel like it was my fault.

I was the only one willing to fight for our marriage. And that's no marriage at all.