I recently attended the 2nd wedding of a friend. (A year ago, I was surprised to hear that she was seriously dating less than three months after her husband filed for divorce, and long before it was final.) She's happy, so I'm happy for her.
It was a fun wedding and even though I'm not feeling particularly good about my body image lately, I got lots of comments on my new short hair (that my Mom cut!! shhhh!) and my new glasses that were a big step for me in a much edgier direction (and I love the change!) I wore a maternity outfit (see that's how big I've gotten!) and I got compliments on it too. I got hit on by a 26 year old so all in all it was a good night.
But it got me thinking about if I were to ever get married again. And while I don't feel much more datable than I did a year ago, I've come far in many other ways. For one, my relationship with Nemo. My friend's ex-husband was understandably absent, but I realized that if it had been my wedding, I'd have invited Nemo. I haven't forgiven him completely, but nearly. We have dinner together (with Lucian and my family) at least once a week. We're nowhere near being best friends, but I'm content with our interactions. And even though I still have anxiety about the future, it no longer consumes me.
I left the wedding feeling good about the path that I've chosen. I'm so glad that I've been working towards forgiveness. I don't regret a single moment where I've put my son first. I'm still not ready to start dating, but I feel hopeful that life is going to work out the way that it should.
Moment by moment, I'm happy. It's when I think of the past or the future that I get anxious. (I try to stay in the present as much as possible.) Leaving this wedding, the strangest sensation came over me: I saw a glimmer of peace waiting for me down the road. I've tried to remain hopeful throughout the past three years but I haven't succeeded nearly as much with hopefulness as I have with forgiveness.
Until now, and it feels pretty darn good.