Abuse

My therapist asked me to consider something: will I admit that Nemo abused me?

I'd like to state for the record that he never, ever, laid a finger on me. Physically, I was not abused.

Emotionally and verbally.... Possibly. Probably. All right, a definite maybe.

She redefined it: will I admit that Nemo disrespected me?

God, YES. It feels good to write. He disrespected me in ways that most people don't even treat their pets. I was treated worse than an animal, by the man I loved, cherished and honored. I was respectful and loyal, devoted to him.

Nemo was never controlling in the typical way. (or at least the way I think most controlling husbands are protrayed on tv.) He didn't really care where I went, or who I was with, or how long I was gone. He controlled me by taking advantage of my caring, loyal, devoted nature. He would twist things around so that he was able to work the situation in the way he wanted to on whatever particular day it was. He was a master manipulator. He'd lie about anything, and have to lie again to cover the lies. I wanted to believe him.

He would tell me how fun his friends were, how he was only happy when he was with them and how unhappy he was around me. (this was during my pregnancy, by the way) He would say - go ahead and go out with your friends then, I can't be there for you. I'd reply, I'm x months pregnant, where am I going to go? I wanted to be home with my husband. Besides most people I know are getting ready to end the day at 11 pm, not start it.

We'd have the same conversations night after night and nothing ever got resolved. He'd ask -didn't we talk about this last night? But when nothing is resolved and your marriage is hanging in the balance, what do you do? If he had respected me, he would have listened to what I was saying and tried to work it through with me.

I suggested marriage counseling (about 6000 times) - he never wanted to go. I suggested we spend more time doing things together - he thought all my suggestions were boring. I suggested we plan for the baby, he was uninterested.

I now know that his abusive, disrespectful behavior started when he met Elvira. He ripped my heart out. It devastated me, humiliated me, and angered me. I tolerated it because I didn't know what else to do at the time.