Trying on divorce

Nemo said that he wanted a divorce after I gave birth to Lucian. After that, he kept saying to me that he didn't want a divorce. Yet, he was never around. (how confusing is that?)

He never helped put the baby stuff together, never helped with the baby unless someone else (as in his family) was present. Never was kind or considerate to me. Never thought about anyone but himself. Never told me the truth about where he was spending the night, or our money.

I threatened divorce for awhile. I now believe that even in my state of denial, I knew divorce was coming. So I tried it on. I didn't like it. Hated it. Not only did I not want my marriage to be a failure, I was comfortable in my old life, I wanted Lucian to have a father, and I truly loved my husband. Anyway, Nemo and I would have discussions (on rare occasions when he spent a few minutes at home) and we'd talk about how our lives would be divided. I was (and still am) convinced that divorce is not better for anyone. As long as two people want to be married that is. The keyword, want, is what Nemo didn't want.

In my naivete, I thought that I could hold up the marriage myself. I held it up for such a long time that I never realized how much of a partnership it's supposed to be. Some of it might be the control freak inside of me, that I thought I could do it alone. And I did. But you can only sustain a failing marriage by yourself for so long.

I had consulted a lawyer less than three weeks after Lucian's birth. I called her back before he was two months old and said - let's go for it. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. I felt like I was the one leaving, even though he had left me a long time before.