Saturday, June 17, 2006

My wandering mind

One of the things that I'm trying to work on is living in the moment. It's difficult because my mind races, I get caught up in ideas that are nowhere near happening now, and I panic.

I think about Lucian at three, speaking in sentences and being with Nemo. Will I be forced at that point into a situation I'm not comfortable with? (ie driving or overnights)

I think about Lucian starting school. Will Nemo fight for the amount of time he currently has? Will I be working and will I be able to be there for Lucian when he gets off the bus?

I think about Lucian playing on a sports team, or playing an instrument, or doing whatever activity he enjoys. Will Nemo support it? Will I have to explain to Lucian why Nemo's not there? Will Nemo even be in the picture then?

I think about Lucian and the friends he will make. When they start talking about their fathers, what will Lucian say? Will he be as uncomfortable with the explanation as I am?

I think about how I can protect Lucian for the next sixteen and a half years. At a certain point, I'll be able to trust Lucian to do what's right, but still. He'll be a child. How can I protect him without being overprotective?

I'm trying hard not to let the situation with Nemo and me affect how I'm parenting Lucian. I want him to form his own opinions. I want him to know the truth, and do with it what he pleases.

I'm working with my therapist trying not to project myself too far out into the future. To be in the here and now, and to be grateful for what I have already. Still, it's so hard. I'm not very successful. Any free moment and my mind is running off in another direction.

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