On the work front

I lost my job in 2001. The company I worked for was bought out, then 9/11 happened. They laid off ten percent of the workforce.

The lay off surprised me because I was a good employee. When I thought about it afterward though, I realized that my job was easily divided up between others.

I called Nemo right after they let me go and I was driving home with all my personal items in the trunk. He calmed me down and assured me that our life would go on. He insisted that I go home, enjoy the day, take a nap, whatever. I was a mess and he made it better.

We decided that I would stay home for awhile. It made sense with all the infertility stuff we were going through. (We were involved in the testing phase of IVF.) He liked that I was at home during the day to take care of things. I liked being home. I handled all the cooking, cleaning and shopping, things that he'd rather not be involved with. I had dinner on the table waiting for him every night after work. I was your perfect 1950's housewife.

I got too spoiled with the situation. I never wanted to return to work. Having a baby became an even bigger challenge for me. Nemo suggested (quietly) that he needed me to work again because he was having a difficult time with the bills. Looking back, I should have known better.

But because he never hit me over the head with it, I didn't understand the strain it was putting on our marriage. This is the one fault that I will accept in our divorce. I should have gone back to work. By the time I realized my error, I was six months pregnant, and I knew no one would hire me. Plus, by that time, I was starting to become aware of Nemo's extra-marital antics, so I had no motivation to help our "family." I was under too much stress with the pregnancy and trying to figure out why my husband was never home.

I love being a stay at home mom. Love love love it! I'm quite happy tending to my son's needs. If I had the money, I'd stay home forever. It's been so important to me to give him a good foundation for when I do have to return to work.

(Just as an aside, I am in no way judging anyone for making other choices. I think that most working outside the home moms have a more difficult job.)

Pretty soon though I'm going to have to get my act together and decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Right now, I'm considering going back to school. Besides giving me additional education (I do have my bachelor's), it would allow me to gradually return to the workforce, without being away from Lucian full time.

Every time I think about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, I get very anxious. It's hard for me to think about. I know that I'm going to need to do something about it soon, because I can't afford not to. I'm currently driving my parents' car, and it's getting increasingly harder.

Many moms have been forced to work too. I'm not alone in this. I still wish it was different though. I've been blessed that I've had as much time as I've had. Still... I dread the day where I'm not with Lucian all day.