The trip

A few years ago, I spent a month in Europe with my mother-in-law, Cruella. I felt pressured into going by Nemo, Cruella, and my father-in-law, Jabba. My in-laws built a house there, with the intention of living there part time when they retired. (Nemo's family all moved to the United States before he was born. Many of their relatives are still living in the same town they're from.)

Anyway, I knew before going that it was going to be a tough trip for me. I didn't speak the language for one. Which meant that I'd be able to communicate with Cruella only. Four weeks of speaking to no one but her. Secondly, they have a car, but it's a manual transmission which I don't know how to drive, so I'd basically be unable to go anywhere by myself. Thirdly, I knew that being away from my husband and family was going to be difficult. I get homesick easily.

The main reason that I went was because I needed some time to think. We had just had the failed IVF's, and didn't know what to do next. My life felt like it had no direction (to be honest, it still feels that way). The other reason I went was because heck, it was a free trip to Europe. How could I have turned that down?

I spent a month preparing for the trip. The diabetes supplies alone took up a whole suitcase. I got a loaner pump and brought three times what I thought I'd need in supplies. I also brought lots of yarn to crochet my heart out with. I brought thirty books with me. Yes, that's three-zero - 30 books with me. I had more books than clothes. And when I had to unpack and repack at Nemo's parents' house before we left, everyone was making fun of me. Still, I read them all, and even had to ration myself at the end so I'd have something for the plane trip home.

At the airport, I sobbed at the gate. Nemo's eyes were wet. I had to pull myself away from him to go through the security line. I've thought about that moment many times after all the events of the past two years. And all I can come up with is that he did love me. At one point he did. I still can't figure out how it can change so quickly. But once upon a time, he cried when I was leaving him.

To be continued...