Happy 4th of July

The city I used to live in has one of the biggest fireworks shows in the area. It was our good fortune that not only could we walk the mile to the park where it was at (and miss all the traffic), but we found out that we could see the show from our back patio. A few years we walked, and others we watched from home.

Two years ago, I was pregnant and in the middle of trying anything that would get Nemo to stay home with me. To get him to spend time with me, to see if I could connect with him in some way. He was a stranger to me by July. I twisted his arm though, and we had plans to watch the fireworks together.

I was excited. Nemo, not so much. As the sun went down, I started giving him reminders, as he was "busy" doing computer stuff, phone stuff, anything that would take him away from me, but still keep his body physically in the house.

The fireworks started. He watched for maybe a minute and then his phone rang. He went inside and I watched the rest by myself. I could hear the crowd in the distance, and the neighborhood children running around joyfully while waving sparklers. I remember watching Nemo inside and feeling like I was spying on a stranger. You know when the lights are on in someone's home and you can see right in? I felt like I was watching my own life from the outside.

Then, there was last year. I had invited my sister and some friends over. Lucian was in bed at his normal early bedtime. While I was waiting for everyone to arrive, I was frantic. I was being paranoid, but I was freaked out that Nemo was going to show up. (at this point, no one I knew wanted to have any contact with him, and I didn't want things to be awkward for me or them.) My anxiety was out of control. It was out of control until I finally moved out in October, but times like that night, it was extra stressful.

Nemo didn't show up, thankfully. I thought about the previous year and was thankful that I had friends there to enjoy the fireworks with me. As we watched, I again looked into my house and thought - next year I won't be here. It was sad because I knew my tradition was ending. Worse, I didn't really know what was going to take the place of the whole it left behind.

Holidays and birthdays always make me reminisce. This year is no different. My parents' house isn't near any fireworks displays. And frankly, I'm not about to search one out. I'm so happy that it's 2006, and my anxiety has improved. I can see that I've made tremendous progress.

What a difference a year makes!